Expectations of LS?

[fooled once]

What were your expectations from LS?

I lurked and saw the great support given in the Breaking Up forum.

So, my expectations were high.

My expectations were lower for other forums (Dating, OW/OM).

I do however, have favorite posters in both (Bent, jthorne, and Mme. Chaucer among them).

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

Not at all.

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

Yes, and I appreciate them.

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

Yes, I'm a Girl Scout that way .

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

Zero.

 

I have never reported anyone.

I have.

I abhor name-calling and abusive posts and while neither have been aimed at me, I will report such posts aimed at others.

 

My fav part of LS: When people in pain receive support.

Least fav part: The tiresome Men vs. Women thing.

 

I love this post! It made me laugh...well, the Girl Scouts part

[Spark1111]

I found and started my first thread the weekend of Dday so as far as expectations were concerned, I was not really in a fit state to really figure that out. My life was a mess, I did not have a clue what was going to happen and I desperately needed help.

 

 

 

100% yes

 

 

 

No. But much of that was due to my emotional state at the time of joining. I was not thinking at all clearly.

 

 

 

I have received infractions but by far the majority are not for posts on either OW/OM or the Infidelity forum. I have also had one stint of being on moderated status which I was hit with out of the blue with no other infractions when I made a post saying that I thought LS was about free speech. The Mod who did that is no longer around (and disappeared immediately after the relevant and controversial thread was locked down).

 

 

 

I report spam/blatant trolls. I have also reported other posts where I see totally unwarranted vicious attacks on other posters.

 

 

 

It can definitely get a bit too hot here at times

 

 

 

I think my second most annoying (after the mod status one) was getting two infractions within two minutes for posts made over two weeks apart. That to me indicated that whoever was reporting me was making it personal and was trying to "dig dirt"

 

 

 

This place can irritate the h%ll out of me at times expecially when it deteriorates into gender or BS/OW wars. But there are some amazing posters on here and they helped me more than they know on the road to recovery.

 

I will always remember "Stop it"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=related

 

 

Anne, I have seen the brickbats hurled your way, both by fBS who despise cheaters and OW/OM who despise your recurring statements that you loved your husband more than your OM.

 

You always speak in a clear and concise voice, never waiver in your self assessment and have a great deal of courage to withstand brick bats from both sides of the triangle!

 

You are one of the few fWS who post here and I, for one, appreciate that you still do.

 

You provide a unique perspective and for me, are a telling example of why more fWSs do NOT post here: You are attacked by both BS and APs....and often, maybe more so than anyone.

 

Be proud of yourself. You are rare around LS and I am happy both BSs and OW/OM have NOT succeeded in running you off!

[Spark1111]

I love this post! It made me laugh...well, the Girl Scouts part

 

Thank you for posting! A lot that I read makes me go hmmmmm....but I always learn something.

 

I, for one, am glad you too are still here! You have not been run off, you seem to try to give balanced opinions.

 

I agree the infighting in the last 12 months have seemed extreme. As I have so many daily responsibilities, I may have missed what caused the factions to grow, but they did and I am sorry to have seen that.

 

People who seemed to me to be open minded grew less so when banded in a group that only saw ghosts and goblins and dark shadows in corners where before there had not been any.

 

The powers of suggestion, or too high expectations, or the us against them mentality can limit one's vision or ability to hear and to heal.

 

The need to be right can too.

 

I, in my personal journey of healing from pain have been guilty of all of the above.

 

But at least I have the courage to examine my flawed thinking, introspect, and admit it.

 

Thanks for posting.

[cerridwen]

 

The powers of suggestion, or too high expectations, or the us against them mentality can limit one's vision or ability to hear and to heal.

 

The need to be right can too.

 

I, in my personal journey of healing from pain have been guilty of all of the above.

 

But at least I have the courage to examine my flawed thinking, introspect, and admit it.

 

Thanks for posting.

 

Beautifully, beautifully articulated.

[cerridwen]

Oh, I can relate to the tiresome men vrs. women thing!

 

Can I threadjack my own thread?

 

Is that in TOS?

 

Cerridwen, do you think men in pain often lash out in anger?

 

I do.

 

Do you believe, like me, that many men are not encouraged to express their vulnerable emotions like women do; that when they are truly in pain, they revert to either arrogant "know-it-all ness" or harsly respond in anger when a nerve is struck?

 

I do.

 

t/j over.....

 

Hi Spark,

Yes, I believe men sometimes lash out in anger on LS.

And yes, because anger is one of the few acceptable emotions for a man.

 

More frequently poor critical thinking skills and immaturity fuel the Men vs. Women mentality.

 

More than once, I've read a post and recoiled at the flawed reasoning.

It's not as shocking if the poster is a teen.

Yet, there seems to be a fair number of older men who espouse the same venom and warped reasoning.

It borders on disturbing, really.

 

I equally dislike remarks that hint at misandry.

I'm a very big fan of men.

[cerridwen]

 

I am inspired by the betrayed spouses who have reconciled ... it makes me really truly believe in love (not that I had any doubts because of how I feel about my H, but made it more real for those outside of my family). Love is so special and so warm; and so frightening and so hard at times.

 

^^This really touched me.

 

Brava for digging through the negative and focusing on the positive!

[seren]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

Hmm, I just trawled everywhere looking for insight about A's, I was one of the 'never happen to us' people so was totally lost. I visited other sites, one was a site for OW that I stumbled accross when looking for infidelity sites. Wow! what a vitrolic experience that was. From LS? I just needed to get it out, to talk about how it felt to be me, to be so dammed lost and hurt. I suppose a safe place.

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

 

No, I don't thinks so, but I did expect a recognition that it hurt to hurt

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

 

Given that it was/is a site where both sides can contribute I expected some dissention. I tend to view people in terms of who they are not what they do, but was and am still amazed that people deliberately seek to belittle, hurt or not try to understand. I was dissapointed to read lately that some people who have been around a long time, simply come on to stir the pot. Unecessary and pathetic in my book. I miss certain posters, while I didn't always agree with them, I respected their viewpoint. Lately, it feels more settled where we can learn and have debates that don't collapse.

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

 

Sort of, I am not a this is how something works person, the posts gave a better understanding of the stance of each forum. I have read it more lately.

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why

 

No infractions, which is surprising as IRL I am not known for my tact. I tend to pitch my responses as I am aware that a lot of people here need support, not attacks. Hmm must strop up the posting.

[thomasb]

What were your expectations from LS?

{ I have limited expectations due to the conflicting opinions here.}

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

{ Certainly not. I knew it would be heated... per the subject matter.}

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

{Yes}

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

{ No}

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

{ So far four, I think. Don't really care! I have my veiw, moderators have their own.}

I have never reported anyone. Much of the advice, especially in the beginning was often harsher than I wanted or expected to hear, but in retrospect, I could still appreciate the position other poster's were coming from. Even the ones that hurt me to the core.

 

Sometimes, I needed to take a LS break under the guise of: I couldn't take the heat, so I got outta the kitchen.

 

I received one infraction for sharing a cosmo recipe with two other posters on an especially giddy Friday afternoon after a grueling work week on a thread where someone was in pain. I was insensitive, off-topic and deserved it.

 

Care to share your thoughts? Anyone?

 

I like the debate aspect of posting here. Not so much the advice since my life is very far removed now from the affair.

[donnamaybe]

I'm just glad to be able to keep communicating with them in a venue that is honest, but venom free. It's too bad LS can't be that kind of place.

Sorry, but I was able to read many of the posts on that "other site," and it is far from "venom free."

 

I have found many great people on this site; those who don't rationalize away poor behavior.

[What_Next]

Like many I found this site from google. I read the TOS after registering, SOP for me when I come into any forum.

 

I had limited expectations but I was so lost at the time when I came here I likely would have grasped to anything. I was so surprised to find a place where the members seem to really care about the various stories that get posted.

 

I have had a few infractions all of which I've deserved...

 

Despite my own situation being well on the way to being sorted out, I'll continue to the LS community as it has given me so much in return.

[jthorne]

What were your expectations from LS?

I expected the truth, which was what I got for the most part.

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

Absolutely not. I expected the exact opposite.

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

You bet.

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

Briefly.

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

I have pages of infractions.

 

I received one infraction for sharing a cosmo recipe with two other posters on an especially giddy Friday afternoon after a grueling work week on a thread where someone was in pain. I was insensitive, off-topic and deserved it.

May I have that recipe please?

[PhoenixRise]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

I didn't have any specific expectations. I knew it would be a mixed bag since this is an open forum

 

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

 

I didn't expect that every response would be kind. I had lurked here for a while before I registered and I knew that a reconciling BS could have a difficult time on this board.

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

 

Oh Yeah. There were people posting here who firmly believe once a cheater always a cheater and the only self respecting way to deal with infidelity is divorce. There were people posting here who believed and said that if a man is cheating it definitely means something is wrong in the marriage (specifically something is wrong with the wife). So I completely expected dissenting opinions. Heck, I expected to be voicing some dissenting opinions myself.

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

 

No, not before I started posting but I have read them since.

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

 

I have never received an infraction.

 

I have never reported anyone. Much of the advice, especially in the beginning was often harsher than I wanted or expected to hear, but in retrospect, I could still appreciate the position other poster's were coming from. Even the ones that hurt me to the core.

 

Sometimes, I needed to take a LS break under the guise of: I couldn't take the heat, so I got outta the kitchen.

 

I received one infraction for sharing a cosmo recipe with two other posters on an especially giddy Friday afternoon after a grueling work week on a thread where someone was in pain. I was insensitive, off-topic and deserved it.

 

Care to share your thoughts? Anyone?

 

I have never reported anyone. One of the things I like about Ls is that the forum is open and everyone is free to express their opinions within the TOS. I didn't come to LS for sympathy after my H's affair. I came for understanding and here is where I started to get it. That wouldn't have happened any specific group of posters had been censored or berated into silence.

[Brokenlady]

I am sorry to hear that BL! I sensed you were sensitive but always highly intelligent and searching for answers. Like me, I needed to take a LS mental health break when I could not deal with what was being hurled at me.

 

In retrospect, could staying longer than you should have in a losing relationship have been a defensive reaction?

....snip.....

 

In retrospect I have concluded it was me I was not yet in the part of the healing process that would allow me to consider the brickbats coming my way.

 

I could not hear another's truth because it was not my truth at the time.

 

So are we back to expectations, again?

 

 

Sure, I think it was partly defensive. I have no trouble hearing "hard" truths, but what I got was a lot of posters telling me how evil I was, calling me names, wishing me I'll, and glorifying a BS who doesn't even post here. It was undiluted vitriol. And most of the "truths" I got were also WRONG.

 

Unlike the predictions that so many of the initial posters hammered me with, my MM did leave to be with me and he did get D. And then of course, I got slammed for that too - home wrecker, etc. Even innocuous posts about how to make peace with th e BS quickly deteriorated into ripping apart my moral fibers.

 

As if I didn't hate myself enough, and wasn't getting hated by the bs and her minions enough, I came here hoping for some support and found mostly agreement that I sucked as a person. It seriously impacted my ability to do anything because I was so convinced that I deserved everything I couldn't function. This is just not a safe place for ow.

[donnamaybe]

You know, I understand how some of the REALLY harsh posters like the infamous Dexter can make a HUGE impression on someone to the point that that's all they remember about their first moments on LS, but for the most part, aside from not liking the opinions of others that don't mesh with yours (the general you), I just don't recall people getting beaten up to the degree that I read here. Maybe it's because some of the posts were removed before I saw the thread. Who knows.

[Linda9999]

I have never reported anyone. One of the things I like about Ls is that the forum is open and everyone is free to express their opinions within the TOS. I didn't come to LS for sympathy after my H's affair. I came for understanding and here is where I started to get it. That wouldn't have happened any specific group of posters had been censored or berated into silence.

 

I am relatively quite new but I wanted to agree with this. I only have one infraction so far and haven't reported anyone. It takes a while to get the 'feel' of a board, and till I do I don't feel comfortable reporting.

 

My reason for joining? I was googling the usernames of the internet scammers my husband was involved with on SS and AFF and found one here, so I joined up to see if it was 'her' or not. It wasn't. Then I stuck around when I saw the infidelity forum, because I have basically no one in real life who understands what I've been going through the last year. I love that there's guys and girls too, and I get many valuable insights from both.

[fltc]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

I was hoping to find some relief for a problem that's been messing up my life and preventing me from sleeping for over a year now. I've been reading most of the forums and I've learned how minor my problem is compared to others but, be that as it may, I'm still not able to sleep!

 

I've also learned there's no help for me here so I've never posted my problem. I'm directing no blame to any of the members, it's just that this isn't the right place so....

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

 

No, Yes, Yes, None.

 

I'll continue to hang out here and offer opinions from time to time if I think my opinion might be of some use to someone.

 

Thanks for an interesting thread, I've been meaning to post the above for some time but you've given me a perfect opportunity to do so.

[Brokenlady]

Sorry, but I was able to read many of the posts on that "other site," and it is far from "venom free."

 

I have found many great people on this site; those who don't rationalize away poor behavior.

 

Donna, given that you aren't a member, you are not in a position to provide an opinion on that it's about actual feedback free from gratuitous bashing from those that just seek to beat others to resolve their own insecurity.

 

And it is my opinion that your posts are among the most venomous I've seen, especially for someone who allegedly has never been on any side of the A triangle.

[donnamaybe]

Donna, given that you aren't a member, you are not in a position to provide an opinion on that it's about actual feedback free from gratuitous bashing from those that just seek to beat others to resolve their own insecurity.

 

And it is my opinion that your posts are among the most venomous I've seen, especially for someone who allegedly has never been on any side of the A triangle.

If I recall correctly, I was kind to you when others were not. Unless, of course, like some of the now banned members, you were unkind to me first.

 

And yes - I've read things on that site, and the venom was free flowing, and the obsessing over LS and certain members continues. Some of the venom flowed right back over here I think just yesterday from someone ON that site who ON that site said she enjoys coming here "just to piss those people off." Venomous? Yep.

[PeachyPink]

Donna, given that you aren't a member

How do you know she's not a member? I'm just wondering because usually people don't use the same names on different forums. Edited March 10, 2011 by PeachyPink

[PeachyPink]

What were your expectations from LS?

Since it's an open forum, I expected a lot of diverse ideas.

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

I think it'd be silly to expect all posts to be kind, don't you?

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

How boring would it be if we all thought the same thing?

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

No, I did not.

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

What's an infraction?

I have never reported anyone. Much of the advice, especially in the beginning was often harsher than I wanted or expected to hear, but in retrospect, I could still appreciate the position other poster's were coming from. Even the ones that hurt me to the core.

 

Sometimes, I needed to take a LS break under the guise of: I couldn't take the heat, so I got outta the kitchen.

 

I received one infraction for sharing a cosmo recipe with two other posters on an especially giddy Friday afternoon after a grueling work week on a thread where someone was in pain. I was insensitive, off-topic and deserved it.

 

Care to share your thoughts? Anyone?

Hi Spark,

You are one of my favorite posters, so I am please to participate in your thread.

[Spark1111]

I have never reported anyone. One of the things I like about Ls is that the forum is open and everyone is free to express their opinions within the TOS. I didn't come to LS for sympathy after my H's affair. I came for understanding and here is where I started to get it. That wouldn't have happened any specific group of posters had been censored or berated into silence.

 

It is one of the things I like best too, that it is open, and the posters tend to be, for the most part, articulate.

 

About the bolded: That is a perfect summation for me! My expectations were to gain understanding, not sympathy!

 

For others it may differ.

[Spark1111]

Sure, I think it was partly defensive. I have no trouble hearing "hard" truths, but what I got was a lot of posters telling me how evil I was, calling me names, wishing me I'll, and glorifying a BS who doesn't even post here. It was undiluted vitriol. And most of the "truths" I got were also WRONG.

 

Unlike the predictions that so many of the initial posters hammered me with, my MM did leave to be with me and he did get D. And then of course, I got slammed for that too - home wrecker, etc. Even innocuous posts about how to make peace with th e BS quickly deteriorated into ripping apart my moral fibers.

 

As if I didn't hate myself enough, and wasn't getting hated by the bs and her minions enough, I came here hoping for some support and found mostly agreement that I sucked as a person. It seriously impacted my ability to do anything because I was so convinced that I deserved everything I couldn't function. This is just not a safe place for ow.

 

I am sorry to hear that!

 

I know I posted on many of your threads, and you on mine.

 

I'm sure there may have been some stupid or cruel posts, but it is my nature to ignore them....

[Spark1111]

You know, I understand how some of the REALLY harsh posters like the infamous Dexter can make a HUGE impression on someone to the point that that's all they remember about their first moments on LS, but for the most part, aside from not liking the opinions of others that don't mesh with yours (the general you), I just don't recall people getting beaten up to the degree that I read here. Maybe it's because some of the posts were removed before I saw the thread. Who knows.

 

See, and that is what is hard for me to wrap my head around!

 

Dexter challenged everyone, and I was okay with his stance. He is a "hard-liner" and he never waivers in his opinion.

 

So, I figure he represents a segment of society that despises cheating, despises cheaters, and divorced immediately. He ALWAYS brings the BS perspective into ANY thread regarding infidelity.

 

And what is wrong with that? If it is not your view, don't respond.

 

But to deny that there is a portion of the world that feels EXACTLY the way Dexter does/did.....seems naive to me.

 

Again, we go back to expectations I think...

[Spark1111]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

I was hoping to find some relief for a problem that's been messing up my life and preventing me from sleeping for over a year now. I've been reading most of the forums and I've learned how minor my problem is compared to others but, be that as it may, I'm still not able to sleep!

 

I've also learned there's no help for me here so I've never posted my problem. I'm directing no blame to any of the members, it's just that this isn't the right place so....

 

 

 

No, Yes, Yes, None.

 

I'll continue to hang out here and offer opinions from time to time if I think my opinion might be of some use to someone.

 

Thanks for an interesting thread, I've been meaning to post the above for some time but you've given me a perfect opportunity to do so.

 

Thanks for posting here.....

 

And I sincrely hope you do find help for that problem keeping you up nights!

[Spark1111]

Hi Spark,

You are one of my favorite posters, so I am please to participate in your thread.

 

Why...thank you!

 

An infraction is when you have violated the Terms of Service and your posting rights are suspended for a while.

 

Bentnotbroken calls it "being placed on the naughty step."

 

And that's a pretty good analogy, IMO!