Expectations of LS?

[anne1707]

You know, I understand how some of the REALLY harsh posters like the infamous Dexter can make a HUGE impression on someone to the point that that's all they remember about their first moments on LS

 

Dexter challenged everyone, and I was okay with his stance. He is a "hard-liner" and he never waivers in his opinion.

 

So, I figure he represents a segment of society that despises cheating, despises cheaters, and divorced immediately. He ALWAYS brings the BS perspective into ANY thread regarding infidelity.

 

As you can imagine, Dexter has expressed his opinion about my situation in the past but I don't have a problem with that. When I came here, I was not after sugar-coated support and empathy. I was after help and sometimes that meant taking some very strong criticism. Dexter is somebody whose opinion I respect. He is clear on how he feels and will express that and in turn he also acknowledges that people can change and learn.

[Spark1111]

Donna, given that you aren't a member, you are not in a position to provide an opinion on that it's about actual feedback free from gratuitous bashing from those that just seek to beat others to resolve their own insecurity.

 

And it is my opinion that your posts are among the most venomous I've seen, especially for someone who allegedly has never been on any side of the A triangle.

 

Okay, again about perceptions, maybe...(no pun intended)!

 

I think Donnamaybe is direct, blunt, challenging....but I sense she is trying to empower women, even OW, to demand and expect more from these MM; to believe YOU deserve more!

 

And she does it with women crumpling from infidelity at the hands of a very unremorseful man.

 

She's trying to kick some basic common sense into all of us who have accepted less than we truly deserved.

 

That's just MY perception of Donnamaybe.

 

But I guess the point I am trying to make, is that we ALL perceive differently.

[anne1707]

I think Donnamaybe is direct, blunt, challenging....but I sense she is trying to empower women, even OW, to demand and expect more from these MM; to believe YOU deserve more!

 

Totally agree with you Spark

[Owl]

I'm really surprised. What could you possibly get infractions for? Your posts always seem polite and relevant.

 

I've had infractions for being off topic, for directly answering a post back to the person who'd asked a question of me instead of answering as a generalized "to everyone" response, for incivility, and once 15 days moderation for sarcastically suggesting someone engage in an "illegal activity".

 

Some I felt I deserved...some I didn't.

 

It's how it goes.

[donnamaybe]

Okay, again about perceptions, maybe...(no pun intended)!

 

I think Donnamaybe is direct, blunt, challenging....but I sense she is trying to empower women, even OW, to demand and expect more from these MM; to believe YOU deserve more!

 

And she does it with women crumpling from infidelity at the hands of a very unremorseful man.

 

She's trying to kick some basic common sense into all of us who have accepted less than we truly deserved.

 

That's just MY perception of Donnamaybe.

 

But I guess the point I am trying to make, is that we ALL perceive differently.

Oh, Spark, you GET ME!

 

That's really what I hope for - for everyone, men AND women, to not settle for scraps and second-fiddle treatment.

[donnamaybe]

Totally agree with you Spark

Thanks Anne! It really means a lot to see two wonderful women of LS understand me and know what's in my heart!

[freestyle]

Totally agree with you Spark

 

 

I'm going to third this---Spark said it very well---it's the exact same impression I've had of Donna.I've never seen her be venemous, or mean--just very direct about where she stands. I've never seen her call a poster names, but she will find colorful adjectives to describe the behavior that she finds deplorable. I don't see attacking the behavior/actions the same as attacking the poster.

 

 

And I have to tip my hat to the Queen of Concise--Donna can sum up in one or two sentences what would take me four paragraphs to say.

[donnamaybe]

Now I'm blushing.

 

But really, I do appreciate how you guys understand where I'm coming from. It truly means a lot.

[worlybear]

I was absolutely desperate when I first posted on LS. My adult son told me about this website as he knew I was struggling to cope with everything that was happening in my life.

It was one of the smartest things he's ever done!

I have found the LS community invaluable for their concern, kindness and comments- even the exasperated remarks when I truly couldn't see the wood for the trees were welcome.

I have received 3 infractions- (too spirited a response on OW thread methinks!)

I like to read most of the categories and chill out on the water cooler from time to time.

I would like to mention particularly Anne 1107, Bent Not Broken, Owl..... and the infamous Dexter(And there are tons of others,too) for their input on my chaotic existence!

Thanks guys!

[TerryW]

No, I didn't read the rules hence my one and only infraction....using real names. I have never reported anyone.

I think I originally posted for sympathy. I didn't expect dissenting opinions. Silly me....

I come back here probably once every two months unless something comes up. Like today, I'm going into the two months time frame of H's affair.

I love the support and hope I get from this board. I especially like when someone tells what is happening at say 2 years post d-day. I'm almost there and it helps to see if I'm at a normal place or not. I don't usually post any advice because I feel like I am so messed up from this and I realize everyone's situation is different and frankly I don't want to cause anyone pain. I look forward to the day that I no longer to come here.

[donnamaybe]

So it's basically a place where everyone drank the same "love potion" and are on the same trip?! Like a bag of skittles but just orange flavor? Ok.... where's the joy in that? Pretty monotone, no?

 

I came here under another name.... just to think about it, makes the hairs of my neck stand up. I came across this place from a link at another site. I was in a bad place and acted as, LOL! Honestly, there was very little support offered. I stopped talking about MY issue and just commented on others. A brigade of OW (am I allowed to even say that without being flagged? WTF!) came down on me and told me to beat it and that so what if my H had cheated, left with his OW (yet all of this after violent assaults, couple of arrests, etc...), that I basically deserved it. Facked up part is that, at that time I felt like I did and this place made it even more firm. Then I went away and didn't come here for a few yrs. Thank GOD for IC and RL friends!

 

Infractions- Yes and even POINTLESS ones, yet I see people openly and freely insulting one another. At this point, I stick around because I would miss some of my LS peeps. The place became a circus with too many ring masters.

That's awful! First you were hurt deeply by your own husband, and then a bunch of horrid people on LS twisted the knife?!

 

I'm so sorry you went through that. But now you're where you're at, and I see a very strong, intelligent gal!

 

And fortunately, Mimo, many of those "ringmasters" are now gone.

[thomasb]

That's awful! First you were hurt deeply by your own husband, and then a bunch of horrid people on LS twisted the knife?!

 

I'm so sorry you went through that. But now you're where you're at, and I see a very strong, intelligent gal!

 

And fortunately, Mimo, many of those "ringmasters" are now gone.

 

 

True Donna. They joined one of those 'other' sites where you are only allowed if you drink the kool-aid. I would seriously hate to be as narrow minded as those people are.

[Spark1111]

that it was a site for people who truly care about loving, faithful, caring relationships.

 

I didn't expect to find most seem like they come straight from Ashley Madison

 

Well, then we are back to expectations again.

 

I wasn't sure what I would find here, and in all honesty, the pain on the OW board (with a very rare few exceptions) broke my heart....and opened my eyes towards understanding.

 

I have known only a few people IRL that have left their SO and married their AP...but only a few. And for 3 out of the 5 (I know, big whoop, Spark is sheltered in the suburbs) it seemed a good choice, truly.

 

I would guess these were the rare exit affairs.

 

The other two? OMG! Crash and burn and crash and burn. Whatever the marital issues were claimed to be? Un uh....crazy married crazier, and people empathize with the BS in those cases, in fact, even telling him/her how much better off they are now.

 

Just my experience.

[Spark1111]

I'm going to third this---Spark said it very well---it's the exact same impression I've had of Donna.I've never seen her be venemous, or mean--just very direct about where she stands. I've never seen her call a poster names, but she will find colorful adjectives to describe the behavior that she finds deplorable. I don't see attacking the behavior/actions the same as attacking the poster.

 

 

And I have to tip my hat to the Queen of Concise--Donna can sum up in one or two sentences what would take me four paragraphs to say.

 

Yes, she can. And I admire that about her too! Whether compliment or criticism....she nails it.

[Spark1111]

No, I didn't read the rules hence my one and only infraction....using real names. I have never reported anyone.

I think I originally posted for sympathy. I didn't expect dissenting opinions. Silly me....

I come back here probably once every two months unless something comes up. Like today, I'm going into the two months time frame of H's affair.

I love the support and hope I get from this board. I especially like when someone tells what is happening at say 2 years post d-day. I'm almost there and it helps to see if I'm at a normal place or not. I don't usually post any advice because I feel like I am so messed up from this and I realize everyone's situation is different and frankly I don't want to cause anyone pain. I look forward to the day that I no longer to come here.

 

Great point! I too came here to ensure I was normal, though God knows I did not feel normal at all!

 

There is some good advice out there, and some very poor advice out there; whether it be the internet, books, or marriage counselors! (Shop around!)

 

But I could always come here....and someone would say, "Oh jeez, I went through that at about that same time," And I knew I wasn't going to lose my mind, soul, self-esteem....

 

I was normal! That alone was hugely reassuring.

[Spark1111]

So it's basically a place where everyone drank the same "love potion" and are on the same trip?! Like a bag of skittles but just orange flavor? Ok.... where's the joy in that? Pretty monotone, no?

 

I came here under another name.... just to think about it, makes the hairs of my neck stand up. I came across this place from a link at another site. I was in a bad place and acted as, LOL! Honestly, there was very little support offered. I stopped talking about MY issue and just commented on others. A brigade of OW (am I allowed to even say that without being flagged? WTF!) came down on me and told me to beat it and that so what if my H had cheated, left with his OW (yet all of this after violent assaults, couple of arrests, etc...), that I basically deserved it. Facked up part is that, at that time I felt like I did and this place made it even more firm. Then I went away and didn't come here for a few yrs. Thank GOD for IC and RL friends!

 

Infractions- Yes and even POINTLESS ones, yet I see people openly and freely insulting one another. At this point, I stick around because I would miss some of my LS peeps. The place became a circus with too many ring masters.

 

I guess I didn't know you before....but I like what you offer now! You are exuberant, and opinionated, and whether you realize it or not.....very, very funny!

 

And you offer the rare perspective of (sorry if this is hurtful to you, but it IS RARE) of having the WS who marries his AP and then.....misses you!

 

I have read that in psych journals, but have never actually known someone who experienced it.

 

So thanks for posting. I'd like to meet you in the islands and share a Bahama Mama with you.

 

(oops, no recipe sharing! I will receive my second infraction!:eek:)

[Spark1111]

I have been lurking for quite some time and actually remember the incident you are talking about, although it sounds nothing like you describe it. You must have totally misinterpreted what went down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2377966&postcount=197

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2378357&postcount=199

 

Ooh...Thomasina Ballerina....don't go there. You could be in violation of TOS.....

 

It would be unfair to current and former members to cut and paste from other threads.

 

Many of the most offensive threads are deleted by the mods. As are the most offensive posts.

 

Please stay on topic.

[Spark1111]

True Donna. They joined one of those 'other' sites where you are only allowed if you drink the kool-aid. I would seriously hate to be as narrow minded as those people are.

 

Thomasb, I think people are entitled to find a forum that best suits them. It is no different than let's say, a Christian Marriage web site that reveres marriage and loving family and how to attain it after an affair.

 

I only have issues with those who presume to turn this site into something it is not under the guise of "support."

 

Hence this thread. If you came here with certain expectations and they were not fulfilled, and your dissatisfaction became great, you have EVERY RIGHT to go find one that better suits your needs.

 

But you do not have the right to try to change this site.

 

Do not change the kool-aid drunk here.

 

Agree?

[Silly_Girl]

Please stay on topic.

 

I have known only a few people IRL that have left their SO and married their AP...but only a few. And for 3 out of the 5 (I know, big whoop, Spark is sheltered in the suburbs) it seemed a good choice, truly.

 

I would guess these were the rare exit affairs.

 

The other two? OMG! Crash and burn and crash and burn. Whatever the marital issues were claimed to be? Un uh....crazy married crazier, and people empathize with the BS in those cases, in fact, even telling him/her how much better off they are now.

 

Just my experience.

 

Is the thread about the success rate of marriages coming out of affairs (60%... not bad...) or the expectations of posters when they joined LS?

 

I'm happy to discuss both.

[silktricks]

And you offer the rare perspective of (sorry if this is hurtful to you, but it IS RARE) of having the WS who marries his AP and then.....misses you!

 

I have read that in psych journals, but have never actually known someone who experienced it.

 

I know a couple like that.... He left his wife, married his AP, and now spends all of his time talking about his ex-wife (who is now happily re-married)... one of those people who is simply never satisfied IMO.

[Spark1111]

Is the thread about the success rate of marriages coming out of affairs (60%... not bad...) or the expectations of posters when they joined LS?

 

I'm happy to discuss both.

 

No, that was about finding a site that suits your NEEDS better and what I PERCEIVED to be the pain on the OW board when I joined.

 

It was humbling to me, and it led to greater understanding, not less.

 

As I had no expectations of what to expect, I could heal and grow and learn here.

[Spark1111]

My answers in bold.

 

Thank you! And I am sorry you are experiencing infidelity.

 

Yet, you seem funny and can joke about it.

 

God knows, it took me a long time to find any humor in my situation.

 

And I am not sure if I could find the difference between satin and sateen!

 

I have ALWAYS been a disappointment to my mother who still dresses like Audrey Hepburn and wears high heels fercryinoutloud! at 84!

[Spark1111]

I know a couple like that.... He left his wife, married his AP, and now spends all of his time talking about his ex-wife (who is now happily re-married)... one of those people who is simply never satisfied IMO.

 

That happens!

[Spark1111]

Is the thread about the success rate of marriages coming out of affairs (60%... not bad...) or the expectations of posters when they joined LS?

 

I'm happy to discuss both.

 

Oh, I misunderstood you.

 

No, those are 5 people I know personally who married their affairs partners. The vast majority that I do know or have heard of having affairs, returned home.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Spark!

 

What were your expectations from LS?

 

TBH, I was on here before under another name when I was at the end of my A, before D-day. Then at D-day. I was not in a good place and I couldn't handle the both constructive and non-constructive advice I was being given. I took a break to concentrate on my reality and then lurked for months before I finally joined again (under a new name as that old account was gone). Then it was a couple of months before I posted. I'm an introvert IRL so I guess I'm just introverted online too.

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

 

One of the reasons I was slow to post was because I knew how harsh some people could be on wayward wives and I didn't know if I was ready to take the heat. But now I'm fine. Everyone has their experiences and it shapes their opinions. I listen to even the harshest poster as long as they're making valid points based on their own experience. Everyone's comments are worthwhile.

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

 

No...whoopsie.

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

 

None...I probably don't post enough! I did report one person once, who started a thread which was boiling full of anger. Another member wrote a very long, well thought out, empathetic response to this post. The OP wrote back, attacking her personally on things that were not even related...even saying how her picture shows she wasn't even old enough to offer him anything useful. Among other things. It was sooooo out of line I reported it and later the thread was gone.

I'm glad I found LS and read other people's stories. It gives me another perspective and causes me to think about my own past and actions. And I hope that maybe my own experience can help someone not choose the path I did.