Expectations of LS?

[Silly_Girl]

Oh, I misunderstood you.

 

No, those are 5 people I know personally who married their affairs partners. The vast majority that I do know or have heard of having affairs, returned home.

 

I think we're on the same wavelength, I was talking non-A divorce rates and rates of those who got together due to the A.

[hART]

I didn't expect anything, but subjective opinions. I got some very caring and smart people.

[fooled once]

Okay, again about perceptions, maybe...(no pun intended)!

 

I think Donnamaybe is direct, blunt, challenging....but I sense she is trying to empower women, even OW, to demand and expect more from these MM; to believe YOU deserve more!

 

And she does it with women crumpling from infidelity at the hands of a very unremorseful man.

 

She's trying to kick some basic common sense into all of us who have accepted less than we truly deserved.

 

That's just MY perception of Donnamaybe.

 

But I guess the point I am trying to make, is that we ALL perceive differently.

 

I will fourth or fifth this. Donna is very much about empowering women and not putting up with BS (that's bull sh*t).

 

No, I didn't read the rules hence my one and only infraction....using real names. I have never reported anyone.

I think I originally posted for sympathy. I didn't expect dissenting opinions. Silly me....

I come back here probably once every two months unless something comes up. Like today, I'm going into the two months time frame of H's affair.

I love the support and hope I get from this board. I especially like when someone tells what is happening at say 2 years post d-day. I'm almost there and it helps to see if I'm at a normal place or not. I don't usually post any advice because I feel like I am so messed up from this and I realize everyone's situation is different and frankly I don't want to cause anyone pain. I look forward to the day that I no longer to come here.

 

Terry, Please join in. You are no more messed up than the rest of us I am sure there are posters who will find support, answers or understanding in your posts!

 

So it's basically a place where everyone drank the same "love potion" and are on the same trip?! Like a bag of skittles but just orange flavor? Ok.... where's the joy in that? Pretty monotone, no?

 

I came here under another name.... just to think about it, makes the hairs of my neck stand up. I came across this place from a link at another site. I was in a bad place and acted as, LOL! Honestly, there was very little support offered. I stopped talking about MY issue and just commented on others. A brigade of OW (am I allowed to even say that without being flagged? WTF!) came down on me and told me to beat it and that so what if my H had cheated, left with his OW (yet all of this after violent assaults, couple of arrests, etc...), that I basically deserved it. Facked up part is that, at that time I felt like I did and this place made it even more firm. Then I went away and didn't come here for a few yrs. Thank GOD for IC and RL friends!

 

Infractions- Yes and even POINTLESS ones, yet I see people openly and freely insulting one another. At this point, I stick around because I would miss some of my LS peeps. The place became a circus with too many ring masters.

 

Mimo, I love your style and your posts! Don't ever change for anyone!!!

 

Well, then we are back to expectations again.

 

I wasn't sure what I would find here, and in all honesty, the pain on the OW board (with a very rare few exceptions) broke my heart....and opened my eyes towards understanding.

 

I have known only a few people IRL that have left their SO and married their AP...but only a few. And for 3 out of the 5 (I know, big whoop, Spark is sheltered in the suburbs) it seemed a good choice, truly.

 

I would guess these were the rare exit affairs.

 

The other two? OMG! Crash and burn and crash and burn. Whatever the marital issues were claimed to be? Un uh....crazy married crazier, and people empathize with the BS in those cases, in fact, even telling him/her how much better off they are now.

 

Just my experience.

 

I know one couple who is still together after they both embarked on exit affairs, with each other They are wonderful people and I adore them.

 

One of my best friends caught her H of 20 years cheating ... and found out he was a serial cheater. They are no longer together and he is now with the OOW of the OW he was with before his wife found out. They are two of the most classless, pompous, arrogant people I know and I know they both worry about the other cheating.

 

Thomasballerina - I know I spelledthat wrong, but you are mistaken. Things were edited - and quite quickly. I find it very telling that YOU remember something from that long ago, when you were "lurking". Hmm.......

[bentnotbroken]

Why...thank you!

 

An infraction is when you have violated the Terms of Service and your posting rights are suspended for a while.

 

Bentnotbroken calls it "being placed on the naughty step."

 

And that's a pretty good analogy, IMO!

 

 

:love:Thank you. It's better than having my nose put in the corner.

[pureinheart]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

 

I have never reported anyone. Much of the advice, especially in the beginning was often harsher than I wanted or expected to hear, but in retrospect, I could still appreciate the position other poster's were coming from. Even the ones that hurt me to the core.

 

Sometimes, I needed to take a LS break under the guise of: I couldn't take the heat, so I got outta the kitchen.

 

I received one infraction for sharing a cosmo recipe with two other posters on an especially giddy Friday afternoon after a grueling work week on a thread where someone was in pain. I was insensitive, off-topic and deserved it.

 

Care to share your thoughts? Anyone?

 

This is the first discussion forum I had ever been in. One night was pissed off at then MM and did a search, a post came up from LS which lead me to the OM/OW board and started posting.

 

I didn't expect anything, and back when I joined it was priddy mello, fun, and very supportive. I left due to being extremely busy. Then sometime in 2009 I came back and saw a whole new selection of posters that I didn't recognize...LS was much different.

 

I feel blessed to have met a group of people of which I love and respect, they have had such an impact on my healing that I can't even communicate.

 

This being my first 'discussion' forum', I didn't know what a 'TOS' was. I've never really read it, have seen through others posts.

 

I've gotten a few infractions here and there.

[findingnemo]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

 

I have never reported anyone. Much of the advice, especially in the beginning was often harsher than I wanted or expected to hear, but in retrospect, I could still appreciate the position other poster's were coming from. Even the ones that hurt me to the core.

 

Sometimes, I needed to take a LS break under the guise of: I couldn't take the heat, so I got outta the kitchen.

 

I received one infraction for sharing a cosmo recipe with two other posters on an especially giddy Friday afternoon after a grueling work week on a thread where someone was in pain. I was insensitive, off-topic and deserved it.

 

Care to share your thoughts? Anyone?

 

Hi Spark,

 

I am relatively new and found LS by chance. I was frustrated because I had conflicting views of my EA and needed help from anywhere but home, my friends and family. I had no expectations mainly because I didn't know such a board existed. I don't mind dissenting views and in fact welcome them. They help me get some balance.

 

TOS - I haven't read them yet:o. I will soon. Infractions...not yet. I'm assuming you can tell easily when you have one.

 

I reported a post today. I think it was spam or advertising. As for rude or insulting posts, I do get irritated about them but will not report them. Why should I? There are so many posters who will handle the insults appropriately.

 

I came here thinking that I was different things, some good and some bad. I have learned so far that 1) so much happenning to me has happened before, 2) I am not the cleverest person in the world, 3) there are people out there who can offer valuable advice, and 4) I think I prefer opening up on LS than telling my friends and family. I learned that I am in an EA and therefore in a way still an OW. I am beginning to understand BS' pain more. In my mind, WS' are still an enigma but yet human and in pain. I love the happy thread!! Finally, a pratical way for me to be grateful and notice the good in my life.

 

The people on LS are smart and funny. They are knowledgeable and quite good at expressing themselves. It seems to have a lot of people from different parts of the world and there are men too:D. That's important to me because not all rules are universal. So I hope I can help people see their problems from a different angle. I hope that by helping others, I can find peace with myself with regards to my Rs.

 

Good thread. Had missed it somehow.:bunny:

[Silly_Girl]

I am beginning to understand BS' pain more.

 

Hi FN, you were a BS long before you joined LS, just curious as to what you have learned from others about their pain vs your own?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

I didn't really have any expectations..just thought maybe someone who had walked in my shoes would be able to guide me in what the next course of action should be as my world came tumbling down. Of course you Spark told me to keep my cool and to be proud of myself for finding this out...and how I was just at the beginning of my big rollercoaster ride and to hold on!

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

For sure!

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

Nope..still haven't!

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

Tons! Some people have done it out of spite..but I don't care. They are pigs anyhow! HAHAHA! (Thats how I get them btw)

I have never reported anyone. Much of the advice, especially in the beginning was often harsher than I wanted or expected to hear, but in retrospect, I could still appreciate the position other poster's were coming from. Even the ones that hurt me to the core.

I have probably done it a couple of times. Not compared to some who do it on a DAILY basis.

Sometimes, I needed to take a LS break under the guise of: I couldn't take the heat, so I got outta the kitchen.

 

I received one infraction for sharing a cosmo recipe with two other posters on an especially giddy Friday afternoon after a grueling work week on a thread where someone was in pain. I was insensitive, off-topic and deserved it.

 

Care to share your thoughts? Anyone?

 

 

Great thread Spark. I think your advise helped me tremendously in the first days after D-Day. You kind of made me feel like I wasn't the only one who was going through that pain and made me really think and not make any rash decisions. You kept on telling me give it a year, give it a year..when all I wanted to do was sell the house and move on. I am glad you gave me that and I couldnt ask for a better relationship now. Almost 1 year after D-Day and we're getting stronger and better everyday! Thanks to you and the other awesome supporters I had. The others can well..you know..nah I won't say it..just get another violation..or as Bent would put "being placed on the naughty step"!

[OWoman]

What were your expectations from LS?

 

That I'd find a group of people who were in similar positions to myself, who could comment and advise on what I was mulling over. That there would be enough intelligent people to have a discussion with, and that I'd gain input from which I could inform my own views.

 

When you came here for advice and support, was your expectations that all would be kind?

 

Oh no! Having lurked, I saw just how mean some people could be! That was why I came out "with guns blazing" in my first post, laying out the parameters of what I was hoping to attract. It didn't work, of course - because I'd asked that people not waste their time discussing the morality of my situation as an OW, I got royally flamed and insulted and LS melted under the vehemence of the bitter insults tossed at me and other OWs, so Tony deleted the thread.

 

Did you expect dissenting opinions?

 

Yes, though I did hope they would stick to the topic. I was naive and foolish, as few did.

 

Did you even read TOS before starting to post?

 

Yes.

 

How many infractions did you receive, and why?

 

None until pretty recently, and then suddenly it seemed tat some posters decided to start reporting everything I said - no doubt trying to get rid of me the same way that other "unrepentants" had been chased off. :laugh:

[Spark1111]

This is the first discussion forum I had ever been in. One night was pissed off at then MM and did a search, a post came up from LS which lead me to the OM/OW board and started posting.

 

I didn't expect anything, and back when I joined it was priddy mello, fun, and very supportive. I left due to being extremely busy. Then sometime in 2009 I came back and saw a whole new selection of posters that I didn't recognize...LS was much different.

 

I feel blessed to have met a group of people of which I love and respect, they have had such an impact on my healing that I can't even communicate.

 

This being my first 'discussion' forum', I didn't know what a 'TOS' was. I've never really read it, have seen through others posts.

 

I've gotten a few infractions here and there.

 

I think it is wonderful to find people who support you and whom you can rely on.

 

I know it has been a tremendous help to me to!

[Spark1111]

Hi Spark,

 

I am relatively new and found LS by chance. I was frustrated because I had conflicting views of my EA and needed help from anywhere but home, my friends and family. I had no expectations mainly because I didn't know such a board existed. I don't mind dissenting views and in fact welcome them. They help me get some balance.

 

TOS - I haven't read them yet:o. I will soon. Infractions...not yet. I'm assuming you can tell easily when you have one.

 

I reported a post today. I think it was spam or advertising. As for rude or insulting posts, I do get irritated about them but will not report them. Why should I? There are so many posters who will handle the insults appropriately.

 

I came here thinking that I was different things, some good and some bad. I have learned so far that 1) so much happenning to me has happened before, 2) I am not the cleverest person in the world, 3) there are people out there who can offer valuable advice, and 4) I think I prefer opening up on LS than telling my friends and family. I learned that I am in an EA and therefore in a way still an OW. I am beginning to understand BS' pain more. In my mind, WS' are still an enigma but yet human and in pain. I love the happy thread!! Finally, a pratical way for me to be grateful and notice the good in my life.

 

The people on LS are smart and funny. They are knowledgeable and quite good at expressing themselves. It seems to have a lot of people from different parts of the world and there are men too:D. That's important to me because not all rules are universal. So I hope I can help people see their problems from a different angle. I hope that by helping others, I can find peace with myself with regards to my Rs.

 

Good thread. Had missed it somehow.:bunny:

 

Helping others in pain becomes part of the gratitude I have for this site!

 

I felt no one IRL understood because so many in my closest circle had never gone through it.

 

There is a Bryan Adams poster entitled "Tightrope" with this saying on it: She kept her eyes straight ahead so she wouldn't have to hear all the advice shouted from the ground."

 

That spoke to my heart! People who loved me told me with such conviction: "If my H ever cheated on me, he'd be gone!" They meant well, but until you go through it, you never know truly what your reaction will be.

 

SOme asked was she younger (no), prettier(no) kept house better?(How the hell should I know?) and in the advice I did receive were the projections of everyone else's insecurity.....

 

Then my brother-in-law proclaims how proud he is of my H for standing up and taking the consequences like a man and how it was time to move on!

 

....uh, no...I accidentally intercepted a text meant for his lover while on a family vacay with this BIL...and later discovered he too had had an affair!

 

Only my brother said: If you still love him, and you have many, many, years together to consider, you must tell him very specifically what he has to do to get back into your home.

 

So I also agree, I too enjoy the male perspective here!

[Spark1111]

That I'd find a group of people who were in similar positions to myself, who could comment and advise on what I was mulling over. That there would be enough intelligent people to have a discussion with, and that I'd gain input from which I could inform my own views.

 

 

 

Oh no! Having lurked, I saw just how mean some people could be! That was why I came out "with guns blazing" in my first post, laying out the parameters of what I was hoping to attract. It didn't work, of course - because I'd asked that people not waste their time discussing the morality of my situation as an OW, I got royally flamed and insulted and LS melted under the vehemence of the bitter insults tossed at me and other OWs, so Tony deleted the thread.

 

 

 

Yes, though I did hope they would stick to the topic. I was naive and foolish, as few did.

 

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

None until pretty recently, and then suddenly it seemed tat some posters decided to start reporting everything I said - no doubt trying to get rid of me the same way that other "unrepentants" had been chased off. :laugh:

 

HAHAHAHA! It is the wild west around here sometimes....like a raucous street party with everyone shouting over each other when passions run high!

 

Jeez....sorta like holiday dinners with my extended family!

 

Ah, I have no problems with the unrepentants....just find them rare, not only on this forum, but IRL also!

[Brokenlady]

How do you know she's not a member? I'm just wondering because usually people don't use the same names on different forums.

 

Because she hates us and has no reason to want to hang out with us; she would never knowingly be allowed in, and the second her hatefulness came out she'd get banned.

 

Furthermore, unlike certain posters who also post on another vitriolic site geared for BS's, we don't hide behind other usernames - we're almost all using the same username we used here at LS.

 

Seriously though - my point was simply that when I 1st came to LS, and joined an OW forum, I mistakenly thought it was a place for just OW. That's what I was looking for. I was trying to figure out what was going on in my life, not to get the nobel peace prize for learning how to worship my MM's BW as so many BS's insisted I learn to do. Some OW may like the LS format, and that's cool, but I don't feel safe here. I'm not suggesting that LS change it's style - I'm just simply answering Spark's question about what I expected.

[Brokenlady]

That's awful! First you were hurt deeply by your own husband, and then a bunch of horrid people on LS twisted the knife?!

 

 

Funny thing - I described almost the exact same experience save the substitute of MM for H, and yet I don't see this outpouring of sympathy for women in my position.....hypocritical much?

[Silly_Girl]

Funny thing - I described almost the exact same experience save the substitute of MM for H, and yet I don't see this outpouring of sympathy for women in my position.....hypocritical much?

 

Wow!!!! That's true. And sad.

[WorldIsYours]

I was trying to figure out what was going on in my life, not to get the nobel peace prize for learning how to worship my MM's BW as so many BS's insisted I learn to do.

 

That's not what they insisted, ma'am. They insisted you leave her husband alone.

 

 

Just like Dexter Morgan said: These cheaters/OM/OW on here get so offended by what's said on some internet site yet they're destroying lives in real life.

[Brokenlady]

That's not what they insisted, ma'am. They insisted you leave her husband alone.

 

 

Just like Dexter Morgan said: These cheaters/OM/OW on here get so offended by what's said on some internet site yet they're destroying lives in real life.

 

WIY, you have no idea what you're talking about. When I joined as brokenlady, he was already divorced, and engaged to ME. So - he was not her husband, he was MY fiance.

 

As to what was said to me when i joined a year or so prior - about 3 months after they seperated (and the D was in process), I haven't revealed what the username was, so you really have no idea what was said to me.

 

As far as leaving him alone - you act like I was putting this poor helpless MM under my spell. He CHOSE to move out to be with me. I couldn't have forced him to do anything even if I wanted to. At that point, he was MY boyfriend, not HER H. He knew he was free to go back to her at any time, just like I was free to leave at anytime. Yet, we both CHOSE to be together. Leave the poor wittle baby alone? Please.

[WorldIsYours]

WIY, you have no idea what you're talking about.

 

I know you don't.

 

When I joined as brokenlady, he was already divorced, and engaged to ME. So - he was not her husband, he was MY fiance.

 

So why was "he" a MM?

 

As to what was said to me when i joined a year or so prior - about 3 months after they seperated (and the D was in process), I haven't revealed what the username was, so you really have no idea what was said to me.

 

I do know what they said to you because I know where they were coming from. You just took it as offensive, which probably wasn't their intent. So like I said they insisted you leave her husband alone.

 

As far as leaving him alone - you act like I was putting this poor helpless MM under my spell. He CHOSE to move out to be with me. I couldn't have forced him to do anything even if I wanted to. At that point, he was MY boyfriend, not HER H.

 

You just proved my point of my original statement before you came at me with the "You-don't-know-me-and-my-love" talk. That was her husband and both of you chose to mess around. You act as if you couldn't reject his advances, ma'am.

 

He knew he was free to go back to her at any time, just like I was free to leave at anytime. Yet, we both CHOSE to be together.

 

My case has been proven.

 

Leave the poor wittle baby alone? Please.

 

Yea okay.

[Silly_Girl]

Further, there's no hypocrisy in using different names either. In fact, I believe there's a post from Tony around here somewhere, basically stating that people would be idiotic (obviously paraphrasing) to do so. I don't use the same name here as I do on a cancer support forum; why should I?

 

What the heck is this about? You can use the same name everywhere if you choose... If you don't care that people know it's you then you have that opportunity to retain your ID should you wish.

[Spark1111]

 

 

Great thread Spark. I think your advise helped me tremendously in the first days after D-Day. You kind of made me feel like I wasn't the only one who was going through that pain and made me really think and not make any rash decisions. You kept on telling me give it a year, give it a year..when all I wanted to do was sell the house and move on. I am glad you gave me that and I couldnt ask for a better relationship now. Almost 1 year after D-Day and we're getting stronger and better everyday! Thanks to you and the other awesome supporters I had. The others can well..you know..nah I won't say it..just get another violation..or as Bent would put "being placed on the naughty step"!

 

I am so happy to have helped you!

 

I know the knee-jerk reaction is to run away from something so painful. If you do not love your spouse, or realize you will never be able to forgive your spouse, than divorce certainly could be the right decision for you!

 

But I learned a long time ago to NEVER make a life-altering decision in the wake of trauma; that you have a right to decide NOT to decide; and to give it ONE YEAR.

 

Maybe it takes at least one year to process the trauma? Could be. So the chances of making a more rational and better decision increases with some time and some distance.

 

Happy you are doing well. But you always sounded like a spitfire, and I sensed either way, you would probably be just fine, no matter what you decided.

[Spark1111]

What the heck is this about? You can use the same name everywhere if you choose... If you don't care that people know it's you then you have that opportunity to retain your ID should you wish.

 

Like everything else, I am sure this is a personal choice.

 

I live in a small town in a large suburb and am frequently reminded of "Six Degrees of Separation."

 

For me, if I posted on many different sites, I certainly would not use Spark1111.

 

Why? Someone in my industry, workplace, life could stumble upon it and link it to here.

 

I have children and a life to preserve. I would not want my journey to heal from Infidelity to define either me, my spouse, or my children's lives.

 

We are all so much more than that and have had to deal with enough gossip and humiliation from this affair in real life.

 

Think the OW/OM is the only one judged harsly? Try being a fWS or BS in the tony suburbs where family life is revered above all else.

[trinity1]

Like everything else, I am sure this is a personal choice.

 

I live in a small town in a large suburb and am frequently reminded of "Six Degrees of Separation."

 

For me, if I posted on many different sites, I certainly would not use Spark1111.

 

Why? Someone in my industry, workplace, life could stumble upon it and link it to here.

 

I have children and a life to preserve. I would not want my journey to heal from Infidelity to define either me, my spouse, or my children's lives.

 

We are all so much more than that and have had to deal with enough gossip and humiliation from this affair in real life.

 

Think the OW/OM is the only one judged harsly? Try being a fWS or BS in the tony suburbs where family life is revered above all else.

To me it would depend on whether I was posting on another infidelity forum or on a forum concerning a completely different issue. If it was indeed an infidelity forum I would have nothing to protect by keeping the two identities apart since they both would deal with the same issue. LOL It's not like I would tell different stories on different infidelity forums you know!

[trinity1]

I came here to hear from others whose lives have been touched by infidelity and to share what I have learned during this journey. I hope that my suffering can be turned into support to others. I have myself been a cheater, although it lies way back in my younger days. My husband is a serial cheater but is now getting help through SLAA, so life is pretty good these days. I believe the fact that I have cheated in my youth makes it easier for me to forgive and forget now that my husband is changing his ways.

[Silly_Girl]

Think the OW/OM is the only one judged harsly?

 

Absolutely not. And I always like to hope that the one judged most harshly of all is the WS but I suspect that's not always the case.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I came here expecting to hear observations on my dating situation (or lack thereof.)

 

I admit that I get irritated by bitter or hateful posters, and I'm not just talking about the "angry virgins!" I'm talking about the people who say nasty things about them, as well.

 

I'm going to start putting certain posters on ignore, if they continue on their "virgin bashing" tirade. I'm sorry, but I don't find that funny, or endearing. And I can bash back!

 

Regardless, there are a lot of really nice people here, and I've already received helpful advice. At least, some are trying!