The thin line between love & hate + burning bridges and breaking NC

[1784]

me: hey

her: (surprised look for 2-3 seconds)...hiiiiii (in an awkward voice)

me: small world huh

her: give me one second (so she can get rid of the customer)

 

A split second later I just walked away and didn't look back. I had a pretty big heart sinking feeling as I walked away and my knees felt weak, but it went away after 10-20 seconds. I finished an errand I had to run and now I'm back at work.

 

You tell me you wish you had the strength that I do? My friend, you have the strength of a hundred men. You did REMARKABLY well. You just took about as much power back that a person can take back for himself. As hard as it was for you, and I know it was hard and left you feeling shaky, you're gonna feel that much better going forward knowing that you did the right thing... FOR YOU.

 

Way to go, man.

[silvermane187]

Thanks 1784. I do kind of feel like I took something back that she took from me. Like I gained a little bit of my pride back.

[1784]

YES YOU DID! I know you're feeling sort of off right now, like you need a V8. I know that you feel sort of confused. This will fade quickly. Do not make this into something that it wasn't, because it wasn't really anything. You just passed a test that I bet you never thought you would pass. I want you to acknowledge this. I want you to feel good about it. I want you to realize that you really DON'T need her. You are NOT under her spell. She was NOT The end all be all. If she were any of those things, you wouldn't have had the power to walk away. But you did. And you should have. And you should feel very proud of yourself right now.

 

This little event was JUST what you needed to take the next step forward. It's almost like a sheep in wolf's clothing. It appeared sort of scary but it was actually a gift.

 

I can't tell you how proud I am of you after following your thread for so long now. You just made us all really proud and hopeful.

[silvermane187]

Yea man I completely agree with what you said. Except it's more like a sheep in sheeps clothing. I am kidn of proud of myself. I wasn't nervous or scared at all when I walked up to her. What would we have talked about in a crowded mall hallway like that? Walking away was the only option. And walking up to her was my only option. Like I said if I didn't do that I would have felt like a coward, and I refuse to be a coward. But yea...I need some time to process this. I'm just sitting here in a trance like state. I haven't decided if I'm going to tell my friends tonight or just pretend it never happened and have a normal night...probably just try to forget it...I'll talk to my sister about it when I visit her on Monday...

 

Until then I'm content just unloading this on you fine fellows. I really appriciate the support.

Edited May 6, 2011 by silvermane187

[1784]

Whatever you need, man. Any questions you have, we're here. Just let it soak in but do not try forcing meaning upon it. Just go with it and don't make it any bigger than it deserves to be.

[silvermane187]

Yea I know. The only meaning I could get from it is that I handled it well. What else could I possibly get from a "hiiiiii, give me one second". Walked away like a boss.

[1784]

That's all you need. That's all it was. Just don't over-think it. I think you're doing a great job of NOT doing that. Just stay on target.

[silvermane187]

I just got a message on my facebook and my heart sank before I loaded it and saw it wasn't her. Turns out it was just spam. Great, now I'm half expecting her to message me. Not good, not good at all. Note to self: she doesn't care about you. Must forget about it...

[ccfan]

hey 1784 good to hear from you man!!!

 

Silver: don´t worry too much about having a little hope of getting a message from her... it´s totally normal after what you just lived... keep on NC and with your head high as ever because like 1784 said you really handled this very well... it was a smart move to just keep walking after she told you to hold for one sec. That moment she probably understood that her power over you is little or none.

 

I said this before and i´ll say it again: we all are going to get out of this hell... its going to happen

[silvermane187]

Well she blocked me on FB again. The truth is I want her back and it's never going to happen.

[coltsfan1]

You have to accept that the person you loved is dead. If you look at it in those terms it will bring a finality to your relationship. I struggled for many months holding onto hope that she hadn't killed the love we shared, would you like to know where that got me? NO WHERE!! Just upset while she did whatever she was doing. You will move on at your own speed ultimately and don't try and rush it. It took me a solid 6 months and 3 months of getting me back together again.

[Fufu]

You have to accept that the person you loved is dead. If you look at it in those terms it will bring a finality to your relationship. I struggled for many months holding onto hope that she hadn't killed the love we shared, would you like to know where that got me? NO WHERE!! Just upset while she did whatever she was doing. You will move on at your own speed ultimately and don't try and rush it. It took me a solid 6 months and 3 months of getting me back together again.

 

I find this true personally. The little hope that exes want us back always hinder the healing process.

[silvermane187]

You're right, that's how I was looking at it before yesterday. Seeing her like that just set me back. I got pretty trashed and had a good time last night until I got home and got stuck thinking about her again. I started questioning if I handled it well, if I should have given her a chance to talk to me. I've spent a lot of time in the past 6 months wishing I could talk to her then I throw away the chance when it hits me in the face. I'm still pretty confused and conflicted...

Edited May 7, 2011 by silvermane187

[silvermane187]

I haven't been able to sleep that well the past two nights. I keep feeling like I blew a chance to make something happen. I could have shown her I still cared and left with my pride at the same time instead of being an *******. I just feel like a complete idiot full of regret all over again. Between this the last time I told her off she must think I hate her. I thought I hated her too but when I saw her I didn't feel hateful at all. Damn it.

[giveittofate]

hey man, you're beating yourself up too much for this...you've done and said everything in the past to show you care and love her, her decesion was made long ago, so regardless how awesome and cool you came across during your meeting, her mind is her mind, and if she cared you would never be broken up...what's done is done, and like CC said you have to act like she's dead.

 

2 weeks ago I ran into my ex at this club party my friend was hosting (first time in 4 months I've seen her) and let me tell you I TOO WAS HOPING AND MAYBE THINKING SHE'D CALL after our run-in...of course nothing happened and YES , I WAS SET BACK TOO...but not that bad. You like I, seen the most powerful love of your life out of the blue...of course it's going to put your brain and heart in a blender and mess things up, just understand thats normal man.

 

CC, my man good to hear you're doing better and hitting the dating scene...and major props for the 19 yr old dime...you're living it up man, congrats to you. Thats seriously awesome news.

 

as for me I've been busy with work, things are going pretty good with the work world, so I'm happy for that...not to mention the weathers picking up and I'm rocking a tank top and shorts sipping a corona now....so can't complain...I'm healthy, got fabulous friends, like who I am turning into as an adult, and back to my big kid ways having fun and not taking life to serious until the time is right and I meet mrs right for me...no rush though I got 6 years til I'm 30, so I realize I got time to get my love life back in order when it 's time...no need to rush it.

 

oh yeah, I'm also going on a date tonight with a cute 20 yr old (she's got a fake ID) so were going to watch some red wings hockey later at a chill bar, have a few drinks, just chill and converse and see a movie after...I'm not expecting anything out of this because I am one VERY PICKY S.O.B. (but hey i'm not settling for something ok) but she seems sweet, cute, and really likes me so here's to a fun time.

 

CC, keep us posted on the dating success and how life is getting good, It's inspirational and good news to hear, and silver, you had a set back, but we all seen your progress man...I too have my setbacks and my ex still haunts me from time to time, but that beautiful, Cool chick she once was DIED (like cc said) when she gave up on us (god, is that hard to comprehend and a ****ty thought, but it's true)...baby steps, youre 23 man....flashback to 4-5 months ago...I was a worthless, emo, kid who was lost a bit in life and couldnt really get things on track...I'm not completely on track yet, but I'll be there whenever the time is right...and when I'm back 100% it'll be a better, stronger, kinder, more well rounded me : )

 

cheers all

[silvermane187]

hey fate,

 

good to hear you're doing well. I'm doing a little better now. It was definitely just a temporary set back. I discovered half the reason I was feeling bad was due to the lack of caffeine I've had in the past couple days. Felt pretty good once I had a coffee this morning. Compared to where I was even just 2-3 months ago I'm way better. It's going to take a couple weeks until I'm back to thinking shes dead again though. I hope I don't run in to her at the mall again. I'll have to take the detour if I ever want to go to that side again. No big deal there.

 

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that she's the bitch who chose to leave. Who hid her true feelings for a long time and acted like a bitch leading up to it because she checked out of the relationship months before. All I did was say hi and walk away. If it hurt her feelings with that so bad she had to reblock me on FB that's her problem not mine.

[1784]

Silvermane,

 

Ya know, one of the hardest things to do in life, especially in a relationship of any kind and particularly with an ex is not to take things personally. It sort of goes against the nature of closeness and intimacy with human beings but hear me out. People always have a choice as to how they're going to react to something or someone. What they do, what they say, etc is more a reflection of what's going on in their OWN minds than it has anything to do with you or what you did (or didn't do). This is something that takes some pondering to sink in. All of the experiences that your ex has had are all different than your own. What she would do in a given situation is different than what you would do. People are always dealing with themselves. You are merely an outside stimulus. What these people do with that stimulus is strictly of their own creation. It has all to with what's inside of them, not you.

 

So, she blocked you on FB. That's how she processed the information. You didn't do anything terrible. You shouldn't feel guilty. And considering everything that she did to YOU in the past this was a minor thing. But she feels some need to SHOW YOU that she won't be walked away from. Let it go. She walked away from you in a lot bigger way than you ever walked away from her. Let her have her little inner battles. These do not concern you. Don't them them.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

-1784

[silvermane187]

Very well put 1784. I must focus on controlling my own thoughts and not worrying about what she may be thinking.

[silvermane187]

Morning all,

 

I don't understand why I feel bad about walking away from her like that. I don't understand why I still want her back even though my own actions say I don't care. Anyone have some possible insight to that? Normally I'm a pretty self aware person but this time my actions aren't matching my thoughts and feelings at all and I can't figure it out. Anymore insight or ancedotes would help. I'm going to talk to my sister about it tonight and hopefully get my head cleared up over the next couple days and go back to where I was before bumping in to her.

[1784]

G'morning,

 

It's a lot of things, Silvermane. It's never just one thing. Firstly, you know how you are in the mornings. You feel like you're starting all over. It's the beginning of the week. You know you'll inevitably be thinking of her, etc. Secondly, you just had 'contact'. It's memory jarring. It's normal and natural but it's only temporary. It's a minor glitch and not a problem. DO not make it into something that it's not. And lastly, people tend to want what they can not have, whether that thing is good for them or not.

 

You need to focus on ALL of the posts that you've written here telling us all why you're better off without her. Running into her in the mall does not undo anything. Not ANYTHING! Remember that. All of your reasons for moving on are still JUST as valid even though you didn't just write them.

 

You'll be fine. Give it some time. GIve yourself permission NOT to think about it/her. Know that you did what was best for you (walking away). No regrets, bro, no regrets. You're gonna be just fine.

 

-1784

[ccfan]

good morning silver, 1784, fate.

 

Hope we all have a great week. I´ve been reading all about silver´s run in with the ex... prety much what 1784 and fate said is spot on so i can only reinforce those ideas. Like my friend (the one who was dating the actress said to me when i had a relapse thinking about my ex) you are NOT back into day one, just has a setback that is only normal after seeing face to face the person that hurt you the most in your life... remember: this is JUST a setback, nothing more, in a few days you´ll be fine, and also this is a moment to be really strick on yourself: no fb, no going to her new place of work , don´t indulge the dark part on the brain that wants to go back and have a "fix" of this girl. Like i always say, in our cases our worst enemy is with us at all times, our minds. We have to keep it under control.

 

You said in another post that you want her back... i think you do not want her back at all... like 1784 said, go back to all the post in this thread and re-read what you wrote and remember how she treated you.. do you really want that drama again in your life? i think you don´t... and believe me brother, if i had a run in with my ex i´d be same as you are now or maybe worse, so it´s totally normal.

 

Another thing to keep in mind is to kill hope after seeing an ex, we might expect after seeing them that in that moment the will realize how special we were and will call us... that kind of hope will destroy us... we have to always keep in minf that if they wanted to get in touch they would have, and they didn´t simple as that.

 

Also and as harsh as this may sound, remember all the wrong things she did to you, reinforce those thoughts it´s not easy i know but you need to balance out your emotions right now.

 

fate, 1784... so great to read what you guys write, it does help me out a lot, i mean it!! yes, i´ll keep on posting any news from the dating trenches and you guys please do the same! as for me this whole conversation about runing into the ex hits close to home as this wednesday i have to go to the premiere of a movie that i played on the soundtrack.. so i´m a little tense to think that the ex might be there as part of covering that event for her tv thing... hopefully not... and if that happens just hope i´ll say hello and move away, nothing more.

 

Stay strong guys

Edited May 9, 2011 by ccfan

[silvermane187]

Thanks guys, you're all helping me more than you probably know. It's going to take a while to process what you've all been saying. I'll come back and post here again when I sort everything out. I feel like I'm just going in circles at this point. That dark side of my brain is really itching to do some e stalking but I won't give in.

 

One question for you 1784. How long did it take you to sort everything out in your head after you had dinner with your ex? Like I've been saying since Friday, I'm still very conflicted and confused, and I only had a brief 10 second run in with my ex. You seem to be doing a LOT better than you were after your encounter.

[silvermane187]

So I've been wrestling with the question of 'do I want her back'. My actions from bumping in to her say I don't, which was my gut instinct at the time, and I think I'm starting to really figure it out. Actions, even my own, speak louder in words and should be considered more than my own feelings or thoughts. Here's where I'm at now...

 

I want her back, but I don't WANT to want her back... I want HER to want ME back. A little confusing? Bear with me...

 

In my dream world she wants me back, I want her back, and we end up back together and make things work. She would say all the right things and I would forgive her for the pain she caused me and apologize for any pain I caused her. The reality is she doesn't want me even in the slightest. She is too stubborn to ever change her mind now that it's long been made up. She chose a life of parties and freedom over my love and nothing I could have done would have changed that.

 

Somehow I figured this all out in the split second before I walked away from her. It's just taken me 4 days to process and sort out in my head. Now I don't regret going up to her and walking away withuot saying anything. It gave me something to think about and I'm a lot better off than if I just turned around and walked away the first time I saw her. She wasn't happy to see me. By the look on her face when she turned around and saw me I could tell her heart sank the same way mine did when I first saw her. Now that I've got this all sorted out I feel a little better. I'm almost to the point where I think I can stop hating her and forgive her. Not quite there yet. I might never get there, but it's a possibility.

 

Anyway, there's my little progress for the day. How's everyone else doing?

Edited May 10, 2011 by silvermane187

[1784]

One question for you 1784. How long did it take you to sort everything out in your head after you had dinner with your ex? Like I've been saying since Friday, I'm still very conflicted and confused, and I only had a brief 10 second run in with my ex. You seem to be doing a LOT better than you were after your encounter.

 

It took a bit of time for me to sort that out. Yours was a chance run-in. This means that you had no expectations for it because there was no time to prepare any (good). I, on the other hand, had about 2 weeks before our dinner happened. That was too much time to talk myself into all sorts of scenarios that may or may not happen. After the encounter it took me a few weeks to come to grips with things. More than anything, though, what I came to more had to do with what was NOT said instead of what WAS said. What wasn't said, well, said it all.

 

This is why contact in usually a bad thing. It just reopens old wounds and gets you thinking like you had weeks prior (or months depending on the situation). Usually you tend to make whatever IS your reality into your reality. With that dinner she was right in the spotlight of my mind for a little while. It took some time to get her out of the spotlight and then I started feeling better again. Of course she resurfaced with her email and then with her sending me a few items in the mail (which hurt a lot). But I'm back to moving away from her.

 

You have to think of it as a journey. Think of a road. You started on this road without her. She may run up to you, tap you on the shoulder and say 'HELLOOOO, REMEMBER ME" but you're still on the same road. You can either turn around and say "Hello" back or you can keep going forward. I think what you did was feel the tap, think about it for about 5 seconds and then just decided to keep going. This is why I think you did the absolute best thing you could. You could have turned around and even walked a bit with her backwards. There's no reason to do that. She's the one who sent you off on that road to begin with. I think it best to stay on it, keep putting one foot in front of the other and try not to look back. It's the only way. You'll meet other people on your road anyway. Ones that don't make you go through this.

 

So yeah, I'm doing alright. You'll be fine and it sounds like you're already coming to grips with your encounter. It makes sense to you now. Good. Now stop overthinking it and keep on going.

[silvermane187]

Don't over think it... such easy advice to give and understand, quite different to follow it as I'm sure we're all aware.

 

I try not to think about how things would have gone if I stayed and talked to her. I haven't been able to shut up that little voice in the back of my head saying this crap. Damn emotional part of my brain. Its like thee devil and angel on my shoulders. Still waiting for my heart to catch up to my brain.