Manic Depressive attempting to deal with Porn issue.

[TazmaGurl]

Hello Everyone.

 

I never thought I would come to an anonymous homepage for help. But I just want to say how happy I am that there is something like this out there to help those who have no friends close enough to discuss these issues with.

 

My husband is my one and only friend. My best friend, my lover. I am a manic depressive, chubby short blond who is a constant nuissance on the lives of those around me. Hence why I limit my friends to one. My husband.

 

I realize that most of what I say will/may seem unusual to others. I live a very closed life due to many problems in the past. I am 22 years old but I feel like I am 40 with everything I have taken on, and gone through.

 

We met at a highschool dance when we were 13 years old and our first kiss was under the mistletoe that night. (I know, the ooo's and awwww's should fit in right here, eh?) after dating on and off as youngins he moved away, and we had no contact for 2 years.

 

While we were out of contact I had gone thru one or two horrible relationships trying to find the right man at such a young age. These relationships were nothing but verbal abuse and men that seemed to expect me to act and look as the girls in porno magazines do. I am an extreme person and was in love with a man who was obsessed with porn, talked about going to stripclubs with his friends and without me, mentioned how good looking girls were walking down the street. Though I was the one who ended our relationship, this tore me up. I attempted suicide and when I was saved I turned to drugs at the age of 17, raving and trying to banish love from my world. I figured, if I want to die anyway, what will things being bad for my health hurt?

 

At 17, in the midst of the worse part of my depression, He came back to visit his old home. He seemed to feel bad for me, but I could feel he still loved me and I was surprised to feel that I loved and needed him more then anything. He moved out of his parents house without their consent and moved in with me (who had been asked to leave my parents house because of my use of drugs).

 

He listened to me cry, and tried everything to help me out of being sad all the time. At first, depression was just about life in general. The lack of loyalty in relationships, the lack of respect women get. Now Its not love that hurts me, Its this fear I have a constant nagging fear of losing him, of being alone again. Sometimes that fear drives me to a point where I really do just want to give up. But everytime it happens I think about him. And I honestly beleive it would hurt him if I left this world.

 

We went on living together for 3 years, and decided to move across the country away from his parents and my parents. We now live away from everyone. We don't have any friends since I have a hard time accepting people and trusting people. I am paranoid and unstable. He assures me he loves our lifestyle. I don't see how he can be lying about that. He loves computer games and card games, movies and music. We are both loners, really.

 

We got married at 20 years old and are now 2 years into our marriage. Two days ago is where the problem started. We decided in order to help me trust him (which I still can't after 5 years.) we'd have to agree to be completely honest with each other. And So we confessed to little things we have done that would hurt each other, and agreed never to lie again. He told me that he has looked at porn about twice a month for the past 5 years behind my back. He assures me (in complete honest-mode) that he likes to watch the "sex" and that the girls are really nothing to him. He says he loves my body (I'm chubby, so I can only assume he has a fetish for that or he is just trying to keep me from over-doubting myself as I always do) and that no other woman could ever touch him for real. He cried alot that night, I have never seen him cry for more then 1 tearshed. He said he was afraid that I wouldn't love him anymore because I view porn really badly.

 

I told him that it is my problem, The world deems porn to be okay, so why should it not be for him. But as much as I tell myself and him that, I don't beleive it really. Porn makes me feel not good enough, it gives me a tight feeling in my throat thinking about this problem. And as much as I am trying to take it all in and let go like many before me have, I just can't seem to shake that tight, broken hearted feeling. For the past 2 days I have been like a zombie, I haven't eatten, I've had nightmares both nights. I cry more then I don't during the course of the day. He was afraid to leave me alone at home today for fear of me doing something to myself. I agreed I would seek help if I felt that way. So here I am.

 

The odd part about this whole story is that, in bed, we are complete animals. I told him I would bring to life anything he fantasizes about if it would keep him from that stuff. I do my best to please him in every possible way, I have a fairly large sex drive and often tire him out before he tires me. We are both MORE then satisfied every time we have sexual intercourse. And we tell each other that. Our sex life couldn't be better at this point.

 

The main thing that I think is troubling me now is that his father/mother both are swingers. the page he told me he looks at often has big adds about discrete relationships and swinger chatlines. I do feel like porn leads to alot more. And to know that I forbid porn so much in the 5 years we have been together and for him to still go to the sites without telling me, shows that he can very easily lie to me, and that what he wants sexually, he will get it with or without my permission.

 

He promises now that if he ever has a desire for more he will tell me so, he also said he will stop doing it. But he said that everytime he finished doing it in the past that he promised himself never to go back, felt disgusted and hurt. He is so scared of me hurting myself, that I really doubt he can be honest with me completely about an urge to have a different woman if it ever came about.

 

I guess what I am asking for is a mans perspective. Why do you fantasize about "screwing" (not making love) other women? or two? Why are fantasys ok? We are taught these days not to repress feelings, does that mean don't repress your fantasys of having sex with others? To go for it, to constantly seek out more crazy ways of getting off? Is there a man in the world who feels like porn IS cheating, if it hurts his wife enough?

 

I do feel like my husband and I are meant to be together for life. He is not a monster (if you got that impression) in fact I know that its me and my past that are the monster. But I have been working on opening up my mind to this stuff for years and I still get queasy in the stomache thinking about it. I still can't accept it is not going to destroy us, me...

 

I have tryed counselling, but they just tell me I am Hypersensitive, need to make friends and stop doing this to him and myself. They offer no help as to HOW to stop doing it. Don't they know I want this part of me gone?

 

I'm afraid I may have made this too long, I'm sorry. I feel a little better writing it all down though.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by TazmaGurl

He assures me (in complete honest-mode) that he likes to watch the "sex" and that the girls are really nothing to him.

This is a common thing. Porn is about fulfilling chemical urges, not role-playing as sexual aggressors.

He says he loves my body (I'm chubby, so I can only assume he has a fetish for that or he is just trying to keep me from over-doubting myself as I always do) and that no other woman could ever touch him for real.

Your low self-esteem has got to bother you--don't you see that if he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't bother making love with you? Many women have a problem with porn because it takes their place, but you're NOT objecting to the effect it has on your intimacy, instead you're attempting to forbid him from pleasing himself to alternative media. Boundaries like this should be established in commited relationships, and if you feel that you need to control how he pleasures himself, perhaps the boundaries should be re-assessed, as I don't know anyone who would go for that.

I agreed I would seek help if I felt that way. So here I am.

We're just a bunch of pragmatists, with fat opinions, and trite prejudices. We are NOT help. Some of the women will validate your insecurities, some of the men will tell you you're a lunatic, some of the posters will say stupid stuff, some of the posters will say something so unbelievably neutral that it doesn't help you at all. I reccomend you see a trained professional, alone at first, and then bring your partner into counseling if you feel that it's a problem with both of you, rather than a problem with your perception of his habits.

The main thing that I think is troubling me now is that his father/mother both are swingers. the page he told me he looks at often has big adds about discrete relationships and swinger chatlines.

Marketing on porn sites is frustrating, aggressive, broad, and ignored. The chances of him intentionally clicking on an advertisement are slim, as they often completely distract your computer from the porn in question.

I do feel like porn leads to alot more. And to know that I forbid porn so much in the 5 years we have been together and for him to still go to the sites without telling me, shows that he can very easily lie to me, and that what he wants sexually, he will get it with or without my permission.

I think that if you went to him, with your concerns, specifically on what you feel porn could lead to, he could do his best to assure you that he's not going to be unfaithful. If you don't trust him, you don't belong in a relationship with him. That's the bottom line. If you feel that porn is something he cannot give up, you either modify your expectations of him, or stop trusting the guy.

He is so scared of me hurting myself, that I really doubt he can be honest with me completely about an urge to have a different woman if it ever came about.

I honestly don't blame him. I'm not condoning lying in a relationship, but I couldn't picture myself taking the high road in his position--he's dealing with a manic depressive woman, who has issues with self-esteem, and likely doesn't see the issue as anything more than him betraying you.

Why are fantasys ok? We are taught these days not to repress feelings, does that mean don't repress your fantasys of having sex with others?

Fantasies are the inherent opposite of realities. I think that if you claim to never indulge in unrealistic thought, you're lying to yourself.

Is there a man in the world who feels like porn IS cheating, if it hurts his wife enough?

Infidelity is a personal issue, if you feel that porn is unfaithfulness, by all means, it is. However, he's not HURTING you. You're reacting to his personal actions with pain.

I have tryed counselling, but they just tell me I am Hypersensitive, need to make friends and stop doing this to him and myself. They offer no help as to HOW to stop doing it. Don't they know I want this part of me gone?

These people SUCK at counselling. I mean, they are right, you shouldn't invest your personal self-worth in your husband alone, but to not offer solutions on how to get over a HUGE issue is absurd.

 

Honestly, we can't help you. We can debate with you, and others, and you can argue or take notes--but it has to come from you, and a trained professional can do better than even the most eloquent and objective LS poster.

[TazmaGurl]

In all honestly, Thats all I really want is an outsiders view of the situation. Easy or hard to take. I know this is no substitute for counseling, but when counselling fails you, you have to go somewhere. /sigh

 

It eats me alive to know that on top of all the burden I am, I am adding this pain to his life, after he finally opens up and is honest. I made sure he knows I am sorry, its so hard to hide my greif from him so that he doesn't have to deal with this.

 

 

TazmaGurl

[dyermaker]

I beg you to go to a better counselor--I know FIRSTHAND what it's like to have a crappy counselor, and I BEG you to get over your fear of them, because there are people who can help you.

[faux]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I beg you to go to a better counselor--I know FIRSTHAND what it's like to have a crappy counselor, and I BEG you to get over your fear of them, because there are people who can help you.

 

I agree with this. I am a recovered diagnosed Bipolar (The term "Manic Depressive" is no longer used), and counseling was what really helped me through that, and many other issues in my life. Although I think medication is evil, there is always going to be a therapist/psychologist out there who will really be able to help you.

 

I would say that if you have tried, and tried, and gotten fed up with meds I can understand quitting. When it comes to therapy, however, keep trying. You will find someone who will work.

 

These issues definitely sound like something to bring before a professional.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by faux

I agree with this. I am a recovered diagnosed Bipolar (The term "Manic Depressive" is no longer used), and counseling was what really helped me through that, and many other issues in my life. Although I think medication is evil, there is always going to be a therapist/psychologist out there who will really be able to help you.

 

I would say that if you have tried, and tried, and gotten fed up with meds I can understand quitting. When it comes to therapy, however, keep trying. You will find someone who will work.

 

These issues definitely sound like something to bring before a professional.

I'm sorry, faux, but I have to take exception to some of the things in your post. Unless I missed something, she never made any reference to having taken meds for her bipolar. And despite what you might think, that would be my first advice to her -- to speak to a psychiatrist about that. He could then refer her to a good therapist also. Used in combination, this can be very effective.

 

Secondly, as someone who has bipolar and has done a tremendous amount of research on the subject, there is no such thing as a "recovered diagnosed bipolar." It's kind of an oxymoron. It would be like someone saying they're a recovered diabetic. Bipolar is a medical condition, a disorder that one does not recover from by going to therapy alone and willing themselves to get better. It can be treated with medications and it can be controlled, but it is a condition that a person lives with for the rest of their lives.

 

I don't know your specific case, but perhaps you never were correctly diagnosed. Or perhaps the medications you tried were not the right ones for you. There are medications that can actually make the condition worse. It sometimes takes a good deal of trial and error to find the correct medication or combination of medications to stabilize a person with bipolar. But trust me, it makes a world of difference when you finally reach that stage.

 

I hope your words will not discourage this woman from getting the help that could make a huge difference in her life.

 

I do agree that porn is not the root of her problem...her self-esteem is. And the fact that she seems to thing of herself as "manic depressive" first and foremost instead of as a human being, a good wife, a valuable person. Until she gets help and feels better about herself, it's not going to matter much what her husband does.

[TazmaGurl]

Thank you Everyone for your opinions. I apprechiate the feedback

 

 

TazmaGurl