true-gem Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Firstly let me apologize for a very long thread and would also be greatful for mature advice and not silly comments about me being paranoid..... My younger boyfriend of two years is 27 and im 37 and a mother of two teenage daughters...i met my partner online two years ago and we dated long distance for about 4 months...seeing each other in that time about 2/3 times per week...he seemed perfect, romantic, intelligent ,good moral fibre, very mature minded for his age committed and ready for a committed relationship long term...anyhow during our 4 months long distance dating a hiccup and issue did occur with a long term lady friend of his....whom he was continuing a friendship with and failing to inform me they'd had secret sexual relations with each other before he met me behind her boyfriends back...who is also a mutual friend of my boyfriends at the time...i found out through old emails they sent each other planning to secretly meet up behind her boyfriend back for sex! after i confronted my boyfriend about this at beginning of our relationship two years ago he told me he f**ked up by not informing me about sexual past relations with this female friend he was being trusted to hang with whilst we were long distance dating and he also tried to deny he was meeting up with her behind her boyfriends back and made out to me that her and her boyfriend were on temporary break up! when i read very different in the emails i found...there was alot of sneaking around behind her boyfriend back and also my boyfriend was hanging with her and her boyfriend and also being his friend whilst grabbing sneaky gropes in crowded busy bars with her when her boyfriend wasnt looking...or that what i read in some of the emails i found....anyhow at the time this was a red flag for me, because at the same time my boyfriend was planning on changing location 250 miles away to move into my house with me and my daughters and make our relationship more exclusive and committed.....but i overlooked this red flag and give him the benefit of the doubt at the time because i was also hiding from him that my ex husband whom i was with 14 years was still lodging at my house...nothing going on the marriage was officially over for a year in total before i even met my current boyfriend...because my ex flirted around at work behind my back and there was lots of founded reasons to leave my marriage after my trust was badly broken...anyhows off my own back i came forward and told my boyfriend that my ex husband is still living and sleeping on my sofa and looking for a place to live...our marriage was dead both ways....my current boyfriend however did not off his own back at the time come forth and tell me off his own back about this continuing female friend he'd had sexual relations with...their friendship also worried me whilst we were long distance dating ...because her and her boyfriend decided to get engaged and have this massive drug and drinks house party to celebrate and she invited my boyfriend but not me!...my boyfriend agreed to go along and told me its only one night of fun with friends to celebrate...he ended up staying around at her house two nights and 3 days and with his mobile phone turned off! to which he made out had run out of power...which i still dont believe! and with the emails i read about them sneaking around grabbing a sneaky grope under her boyfriends nose...this alarmed me that he spent all that time alone without me at her house...its possible her boyfriend didnt have his eyes on her or him all of the time in that 2 nights and 3 days. Anyhow i forgive him for this and decided to not let it get in the way of our plans of moving in together and give him the benefit of the doubt like he give me over not being honest right from start about my ex sleeping on my sofa...so after 4 months he moved 250 miles to where i live and moved in with me and my children....things were great for about 2/3 months then he started to show me an whole new dis-regarding side to his personality...he started to comment about other hot or sexy chicks to me in the flesh or on t.v constantly and i was constantly finding myself catching him checking women out and staring at them infront of me...and i dont mean the human initially noticing other human beings thing or expect him to stupidly have blinkers on and go blind now he,s in a relationship with me!!!...i mean checking their attractiveness out from head to toe and even pointing stuff out about them to me!!! grrr very annoying!!!..this went on for a little bit and i kept silent about it until i couldn't stand it anymore...so i confronted him and told him how hurtful his behavior was infront of me and asked him if he had any impulse control or real love and respect for me? sometimes these confrontation would have him being defensive and not very problem solving at all...after many attempts of confronting him on this issue he still does it...has toned it down a little infront of me, but he still has bad days where all his attention is used up on other women or gaming and poker online or attractive chicks on t.v or films! this hasnt sent me a very good character reference of him and has caused me to trust him to a certain degree with limitations and within reason of who,s he with and where he,s hanging on his social life...and after all this i think rightfully so!...thing is he is wanting this no holds barred type of social life with or without me with newly acquired female friends he,s befriending in groups of mixed sexed co-workers..some of the females in these groups he has told me he finds attractive and some he,s told me have lots in common with him..i dont think personally with regards to his track record and impression of himself he,s set to me so far this is a safe way to have a social life, he is not just wanting to join these groups without me some of the time at bars and nights out....he is also wanting to be allowed the freedom and blind trust to be able to wander off outside of work in his work lunch breaks to public houses etc with groups of guy friends and newly acquired attractive female friends too..which ive over stressed to him iam not comfortable with at all...its breaking my moral code of what i find committed! when you live together with children involved!?? Anyhow ive tried to met him half way on this opposite newly acquired female friend issue of him hanging without me when females are present in the group and told him i dont mind him at all having a social life without me with guys alone and any female friends he,s getting to know well should also be friends of mine..he always promises to introduce me to these groups he claims are so innocent a thing but i never get to meet any of them...we just end up argueing about him wanting to go out alone with them within weeks of knowing them and it becomes such an issue to my comfortability and emotional needs from a relationship that he finds himself either leaving that job with some excuse when he knows ive been monitoring the situation closely or being sacked because he cant get up in the morning because he,s late for work from arguing this out with me constantly the night before...surely a guy inlove with me when told i feel this cronically worried and concerned about this would respect my boundary of having guy friends alone and only female friends when with me..ive also told him i dont mind him socialising with ladies at work inside of work ...as long as its worked related and not to close for comfort conversations about personal stuff...but i feel he lets any female get too close..i dont even get to know some of their names..this issue of him wanting this type of boundary free social life is wrecking our relationship and also him holding any financial support down for the children in his life!...he is now telling me he cant handle how i wont trust him alone with any strange new female friends he,s choosing to hang with in mixed groups and he would like to feel he doesn't need to ask my permission to go outside of work in lunch breaks and after work with attractive females and males...but i like to think living together partners have every damn right to approve of whom your committed mate is hanging with and where! he is now telling me he wants to leave the relationship because i wont blindly trust him with this and to be honest his willingness to drop me and the children after two years living together shows his social life and newly acquired female friends must mean more to him than me and my children who consider him step dad because their real father has recently abandoned them and moved away. Additional information is my boyfriend had a new job he was sacked from two months ago which he held down for about 6 weeks and i was suspecting something going on there over the christmas period...because he came home one evening and invited me to a works christmas party then at the last minute told me no partners are allowed to come because company is only funding work colleagues...which i found a little suspicious !??? i pleaded with him for the sake of the relationship not to go because of the current trust isses which he has caused with his inapropriate behavior throughout the relationship and because he seems to quick in every job to hook up with groups...within 2/3 weeks of being there in fact!...he,s recently sexually and emotionally withdrawn from me completely and also admitted he sexually masterbates in the bathroom at my house when im present in the house in another room...may i add ive never sexually rejected this guy and also put out to his needs and tried to even encourage him to spice things up and take the sex life to next level and explore new things together...which he doesnt really make an effort with! more additional information is in one of his jobs he worked at a casino late night and i found a girls number on his call logs and called it up and she told me her name i managed to track the same named lady down through work colleagues of his on facebook and this lady worked previously at same place but he denied all knowledge of her and couldnt even explain how this ladies call was on his received call log?? personally would you trust this guy having a social life with opposite sex friends alone without you......he also by the way hardly contributes towards food and bills in my house and hasnt bought any new furniture or helped re-decorate to put his identity on this house he shares with me at current, that my exes identity still very much exists..im feeling so used and taken for a fool and not sure what to do let this guy go or try to carry on convincing him how mature his ideas of a social are in current situation???....mature advice please...?? im not paranoid i do and have trusted men that dont act this way whom im able to hold their attention for more than five minutes. P.S.....he,s also rejected 3 proposals of engagement from me in the past 8 months and tells me he doesn't believe in engagement, marriage or want children together...his additional excuse for rejecting my 3 proposals is my lack of trust....i dont see this at trust issues...more worry im dating somebody terribly untrust-worthy! Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Wow, what a long story. In the end, you don't trust him. It sounds like you have good reasons not to trust him. You also sound bit controlling and desparate. Why are you proposing to him? When you have sex, is it any good? Does he at least take care of your needs and bring you to orgasm? Sounds like this guy is a sneaky, selfish jerk. Why not just cut your losses and move on with your life. Ask him to leave your house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author true-gem Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hello micthell, Thanks for response! Im glad you can also see my good reason to not trust my boyfriend! he,s trying to manipulate me into believing im a paranoid nut ! i personally think my reason to limit my trust in this relationship are very rational and very founded reason. Well when we did have a sex life together i found it exciting yes...i did also suggest to him nicely in year and a half into living together that we should look for new ideas as it was getting like ground-hog day! Suppose iam desperate...very desperate to get to the truth of who he really is behind the mask that my gut instincts keep alerting me about! Link to post Share on other sites
Author true-gem Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) P.s...in response to mitchell...i proposed to test his committment levels and to be honest iam not normally this controlling ...just feel ive had to control this relationship because boyfriend doesnt seem to have any bounderies in place to keep our relationship from danger...he immaturely thinks humans dont make mistakes.. if hanging out with attractive females he has more in common with than me.. alone without me on regular basis! im starting to think this younger guy has serious committment phobic issues going on! because he seems to have this dysfunctional side that loves to rock the apple cart when things have been good between us...like he,s scared of letting me too close incase he might find himself actually enjoying this relationship!...im suspecting he knows iam not the one for him but im suiting a purpose until he manages to find something better! Edited March 9, 2011 by true-gem typo error Link to post Share on other sites
kuma Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 true-gem, I think he's taking advantage of you. Free rent & food. You need to kick him out of your house ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author true-gem Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I agree kuma, this has been one of my recent suspicions ! because even though he,s told me he'd like to end the relationship because i wont blindly trust him...a week later he hasnt left yet! and uses financial committments he has to the children with a big 16th birthday party coming up soon has an excuse to stay on here at the moment because i cant afford to fund big 16th birthday party by myself right now because childrens real dad has abandoned them and moved away leaving no contact address!... i find my current boyfriend odd because he offered to send money to help out with childrens birthdays coming up soon.. if he did move on with his life today and move out!...this situation is confusing me lots...i dont even know what he feels for me anymore! because a fortnight ago he told me he isnt sure of his feeling for me because i wont blindly trust he wouldnt cheat on me! Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Sounds like a doomed relationship to me - I'd move him out in a hurry. You deserve a more mature partner who doesn't feel the need to party all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
kuma Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I agree kuma, this has been one of my recent suspicions ! because even though he,s told me he'd like to end the relationship because i wont blindly trust him...a week later he hasnt left yet! and uses financial committments he has to the children with a big 16th birthday party coming up soon has an excuse to stay on here at the moment because i cant afford to fund big 16th birthday party by myself right now because childrens real dad has abandoned them and moved away leaving no contact address!... i find my current boyfriend odd because he offered to send money to help out with childrens birthdays coming up soon.. if he did move on with his life today and move out!...this situation is confusing me lots...i dont even know what he feels for me anymore! because a fortnight ago he told me he isnt sure of his feeling for me because i wont blindly trust he wouldnt cheat on me! Okay, you'll have to wait until the birthday party. I'm so sorry that your ex abandoned your children. Anyway, your BF is no good. I don't think he truly loves you. He loves himself more than he loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author true-gem Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the response kuma...i think your right! this doesnt feel like love to me! doesnt seem like he even wants a sensible moralized woman...he gives me impression he likes silly giggly dumb women without the ability to piece stuff together!..what further brings me to not trust him is only time ive joined him in a works night out... was last year when he worked at a casino! and this night out experience with him and his male and female buddies brought me even more to believe he would left me down and flirt like crazy if out on the town alone with close females around...because all he done throughout the night out with him was check out female co workers in their nightclub skimpy wear and walk off into the crowd without me all the time. he also went outside of the group infront of me and introduced himself to a male colleagues girlfriends and all her female friends and was name exchanging and visually flirting furiously with them! then later on that night we all hit a night club and i was dancing with him when a girlfriend of one of his male co workers came onto the dance floor wiggling her stuff in some scantily clad clothing and he turned his back on me and started thrusting his pelvis behind her fooling around...i wasnt amused and felt pretty left out in the cold and foolish!...then he put his arm around some other girl in the crowd on the dance floor and posed for his photograph with her...so after a few drinks this is how he conducted himself infront of me...how would he act without me there...this is why i dont trust his claims to have platonic friendships alone with opposite sex new friends. Edited March 9, 2011 by true-gem typo error Link to post Share on other sites
Author true-gem Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Thank you for your view on this yeshuaisiam...that was my point with him exactly an engagement ring after two years of living together providing this guy tells me he wanted a future committed to me isnt much to ask for...but he tells me he doesn't believe in engagement and marriage has a way to prove his future intentions to somebody he,s meant to love! which isnt true because i saw a dating site he was on before he met me that said marriage was a possible future thing and children too...just not with me by the looks of things!...this is why i tested the proposal thing..which he flat out declined!...he doesnt even want to read anybodys comments against him on this thread!? maybe its because he already knows the truth about himself that myself and most are also seeing here!...ive had this man patronise me into thinking iam mentally insane and need mental treatment! a classic manipulation tactic for partners that lie flirt or cheat!...i find it hard to save on very little funds when i pay most of the housekeeping and he has no shame about exhausting my financial resources....by the way whenever he has money from temp employment he plans to spend it on these group nights he seems to quickly plan without me and smoking weed in my house...which ive now banned! rather than buy the children or me anything nice or meet their essential needs! he doesnt ever make any plans to have romantic nights with me and him alone ever! and doesnt plan family days either...unless i bring up the subject. he doesnt even buy me anything on special occassions like birthdays christmas or valentines...theres no will or drive in the man. ive never been treated like this in any of my previous relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
lavidaloca Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I don't think you're being paranoid at all. This man has throwing some major red flags out there, and it would certainly have me concerned enough to be questioning the relationship. He has boundary issues. Ok...for arguments sake, let's just say that he's one of these guys who believes he's entitled to have whatever relationship with whomever, and there's really no harm being done. He's not going to cheat, he's just going to push the boundaries as far as he can. Is that something you could live with? I honestly don't think that's the case...I think when he finds some "greener pastures", he's going to be out of there. These are all behaviors I just couldn't live with. I don't blame you for doubting him and not trusting him. I wouldn't believe that even if he leaves, that he'd send money for the 16yos birthday. I'm wondering if he's very good at manipulating women to get what he wants out of them. I hope you're able to come to a resolution, and find some peace with this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author true-gem Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Im glad some of the posters on this thread have confirmed some of the same things i've been thinking and its not just me going insane like my boy would manipulating me into believing...i forgot to mention my boyfriend had a very dysfunctional childhood watching his drunken dad violently fight and beat his mum up for about 8 years of his upbringing, he also told me he went through a period of self harm and being into vampirism and fetishisms and he convinces himself and me that this childhood event hasn't had any profound affects of his personal developement growing up! and he calls me insane! and blames me for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Wow. Well, I think being alone sounds much better than being with him. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
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