Wife started having an affair in January

[notwhatIwanted]

Hello-

 

I am having a really hard time this week dealing with the recent separation from my wife of 8 years.

 

We have 3 kids togehter, a 6 year old, 3 year old and 16 month old...

 

Over the lasst 4 years we have been through A LOT together.. Making babies, buying and sselling a home, changing jobs, both in school full time, deaths in the family, etc...

 

I always thought we would be together forever since we had withstood all of these challenges...

 

Come November of 2010 my oldest child (15yr old) from a previous relation ship starts getting into drugs, skipping school, threatening suicide, and actually attempting it on New Years Eve 2010...

 

Over those two months (Nov-Dec 2010) I was very disconnected from my wife and younger kids because I was consumed with my oldest daughter's mental status. My daughter was rejecting me and telling me she hated me and wished I was dead.. and my wife was not very supportive. She actually stated that I "need to let her go because there is nothing I can do." I started meeting my friend at the bar after work, he is a psychology major and he listens and gives good advice.

 

Well.. we would sit there and have a few beers and I wouldn't get home from work until around 8 or 830pm.. Dinner cold, kids already in bed waiting for me. I did this several times per week over this two month period.

 

In the meantime my wife is going through her own trouble... she had gotten laid off of her job that she loved very much.

 

We had a talk in the middle of December about being better to each other.. and on the weekend of the 17th we had the most loving intimate weekend of our marriage. Everything was smooth until 12/31 when my oldest daughter swallowed a bottle of pills and had to be taken to the hospital and then later the mental hostpital.

 

Well.. my wifes job that had laid her off actualyl closed the doors completely on 1/7/2011.

 

When that happened everything changed.

 

Starting that weekend (1/8/2011) she became disconnected and started sleeping in the guest room.. going to bed early, drinking wine and sitting in bed listening to music on her laptop... this went on for the next week and I kept asking her what was happening.. and why was she so distant.

 

Well fast forward to the next weekend (1/15/2011) and on that Friday she started talking about maybe being separated.. and i lost it. I didn't want to lose my wife and best friend.

 

Long story short we decided I would go stay atmy friends for a few days... After that I returned home and she was acting the same... or maybe even more distant.

 

This goes on until 2/7/2011.. when we are sitting on the couch watching TV together, which was nice, but she got up to suddenly go to bed at 8:30 pm.. and she dropped her phone upon stading... so I reach over to pick up her phone for her and she freaks out and dives on top of me to rip the phone out of my hands.

 

That is when I knew.. finally. I noticed on the phone is said "new text message from 'dudes name' "... she went up stairs.. so I followed her and confronted her. hse denied anything except friendship and proceeded to tell me he was our age and single.

 

the next day i pack my clothes and move into a friends spare room... still in denial.. but too angry to be there with her in front of the kids.

 

Fast forward to 2/22... I log onto our verizon account for the first time in a while and just browse the usage history for her phone.. and discover that since 1/7/2011 she had been obsessively texting and calling a strange number at all hours of the night and day... so I confront her with this and she denies.

 

2/23.. she calls me at my friends and tells me EVERYTHING in full detail.. including the fact that they had been intimate in my house on my oldest daughters bed and the fact that they are IN LOVE!!!

 

Since this date I have been a very devastated person.. unable to eat most of the time.. and NEVER sleeping...

 

this week has been especially bad.. sick all day long.. puking in the mornings.. and anytime i talk about her and her new relationship.

 

She went and opened her own phone line so she and he could talk without me being abel to see it on our verizon account... and he continues to come to my house and have sex with her.

 

I just wanted to share this on this forum and hope that others know this feeling.. and maybe have some words of guidance or any advice.

 

this is easily the hardest thing I have EVER been through.. and I have been through A LOT.

 

Thanks for your time.

[notwhatIwanted]

you can probably figure it out... but this guy worked with her at the place that closed down in January.

 

and in November she had already gone so far as to block me and all my friends and family from her facebook and told me that she had deleted her account.. just so she could communicate with him through facebook.

 

but she maintains they did not meet alone outside of work until 1/13/2011.

 

Why should I believe her?

 

Why does she blame it all on me?

[betterdeal]

Mate, that's a terrible situation you're in. I really feel for you. Your wife is not in love. It takes time to develop love. You need to take care of yourself. You're in shock and running on adrenalin, hence you cannot sleep or eat. But you need your energy, your strength, your will. Treat yourself well. Go out, get a haircut, a wet shave, a massage, some new clothes and a really good meal. See your doctor about sleeping tablets / sedatives to help calm you down and help you get sleep. If you're so inclined, go and pick someone up in a bar and have casual sex with her. Just fun, carnal, sex. Talk to your boss and see if you can get some time off work. Go to the gym. You need to be recharging your batteries and looking after you. Your natural instinct is to be alert until the threat is gone, but we're in a different world from when those instincts evolved and you have to use your mind to keep your body and soul in shape. You can get through this.

[notwhatIwanted]

Mate, that's a terrible situation you're in. I really feel for you. Your wife is not in love. It takes time to develop love. You need to take care of yourself. You're in shock and running on adrenalin, hence you cannot sleep or eat. But you need your energy, your strength, your will. Treat yourself well. Go out, get a haircut, a wet shave, a massage, some new clothes and a really good meal. See your doctor about sleeping tablets / sedatives to help calm you down and help you get sleep. If you're so inclined, go and pick someone up in a bar and have casual sex with her. Just fun, carnal, sex. Talk to your boss and see if you can get some time off work. Go to the gym. You need to be recharging your batteries and looking after you. Your natural instinct is to be alert until the threat is gone, but we're in a different world from when those instincts evolved and you have to use your mind to keep your body and soul in shape. You can get through this.

 

Thank you. I want to do all of the things you stated... but I continue to have these moments of extreme weakness and I cannot get it out of my mind.

 

I thought she was my soul mate. Now I do not even know who she is when I look at her. She is different. It's scary.

[whichwayisup]

You stay in the house and let her move out and IN with the OM. This guy should NOT be around your kids, let alone be having sex in your house, in your daughters bed. That is gross and your wife has made some REALLY bad and selfish choices.

 

she's in a fog. The woman you fell inlove with, married and the mother of your 3 young kids, doesn't exist right now.

 

Get a lawyer, get tough. I will say again, since she is the one cheating and has put your kids lives at risk (in an emotional way) by having the OM in YOUR house, she should move out.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

SHe isn't going to change until she feels and suffers consquences. So, she wants someone else? She leaves. She can come visit the kids, but NOT bring them around the OM. Let her see how life is without you in it.

[whichwayisup]

If you're so inclined, go and pick someone up in a bar and have casual sex with her. Just fun, carnal, sex.

 

I'm advising against this. Could be used against you if this gets nasty, even though she is the one cheating and betraying, the OP shouldn't go down that path.. He's still married, and besides, two wrongs don't make a right.

[russell1968]

Thank you. I want to do all of the things you stated... but I continue to have these moments of extreme weakness and I cannot get it out of my mind.

 

I thought she was my soul mate. Now I do not even know who she is when I look at her. She is different. It's scary.

 

Hey,

I feel for you!

Me and my wife seperated four months ago! She has developed a huge cocaine problem and is a shadow of her former self!

 

You need to focus on yourself, you need time to mend!

[notwhatIwanted]

I'm advising against this. Could be used against you if this gets nasty, even though she is the one cheating and betraying, the OP shouldn't go down that path.. He's still married, and besides, two wrongs don't make a right.

 

yeah.. i do not agree with hooking up either..!

 

I am not interested in having any relations with a woman right now...

 

I have 4 daughters.. I want them to be the focus.

 

Also.. what you said about making her leave...

 

It is much harder than you think.

 

In this state adultery does not effect custody or joint marital property.

 

I am going to try my hardest though.

 

Everything else you said is right as well... she is lost.. I am sad for her.. and worried she is going to get pregnant or hurt by this douchebag.

 

the guy has 3 kids from 2 different marriages and he doesn't even see two of the kids.. one of which he has NEVER seen... but she sympathizes for him.

 

I do not get it.

[WorldIsYours]

Dude protect your kids from that POSOM and kick your wife out. Your situation is horrible and her actions show that she doesn't care about you or the kids. In the house and on your daughter's bed? How disgusting and immature. She let someone else invade your marital home. That is a big ass NO-NO. Divorce her and go for full-custody because she's showing how irresponsible and immature she can be, and how she'll do anything for another penis, even if it means risking her life and the kids' lives by bringing some stranger in your home.

[notwhatIwanted]

Dude protect your kids from that POSOM and kick your wife out. Your situation is horrible and her actions show that she doesn't care about you or the kids. In the house and on your daughter's bed? How disgusting and immature. She let someone else invade your marital home. That is a big ass NO-NO. Divorce her and go for full-custody because she's showing how irresponsible and immature she can be, and how she'll do anything for another penis, even if it means risking her life and the kids' lives by bringing some stranger in your home.

 

thanks.. and this dude has an assault on a female charge from his ex-wife.

 

the one he has two kids with that he has not seen for six years.. one of them he has never seen at all.

 

he is a real winner.

 

I hate having him in my house... and almost did something about it on my own.

 

I am trying the legal route instead.

[WorldIsYours]

I hate having him in my house... and almost did something about it on my own.

 

I am trying the legal route instead.

 

Good man. Live well to protect those kids and you'll be fine. Ignore your wife's whining and pissy, selfish attitude.

[Steadfast]

SHe isn't going to change until she feels and suffers consquences.

 

This is a hard truth. If you're bending backwards trying to please, mend or sway her, it'll only take a longer time for her to realize what she's done.

 

Approach every situation with common sense. Examine every instance or action with clarity. To do this effectively, you must get your rest and nutrition. You can calm yourself down by rejecting emotions of being a victim, or any other kind of self-pity. Try to rise above the wrong.

 

When in doubt, do what's best for the kids.

[SWide]

Why not move back in and refuse to let him in the house. Call police if necessary. She will have to go see him away from home and kids.

 

I know a guy in PA where his wife had a 2 year affair away from home before she left and divorced him. He got financially screwed but he manged to keep his house and have half custody, she wanted full. So he did about the best he could. The man was devastated. He didn't send in expense reports for 12 months even though several of us begged him to snap to. He got fired. He did get a better job, as loosing this one woke him up. He was like a brother to me, and our boss was too.

 

Don't let yourself lose your job. It is tough. I would get back in the house and fight for my kids. It is what you have left. Make her go somewhere else and probably she will move, but be firm about the kids. Any dirt you find on him let her know. Confront him face to face as well if he shows up when your there, go home for lunch. I guess he did during the day, when you lived there.

 

It may make you sick what she is doing. Maybe you love her so strong you just want her to stop an dbe with you, I don't know. I have been there before. You have to get strong and protect kids and finances best you can.

Edited March 10, 2011 by SWide

[Darth Vader]

thanks.. and this dude has an assault on a female charge from his ex-wife.

 

the one he has two kids with that he has not seen for six years.. one of them he has never seen at all.

 

he is a real winner.

 

I hate having him in my house... and almost did something about it on my own.

 

I am trying the legal route instead.

 

 

Kick her ASS OUT NOW! Protect your finances and home, go for sole custody of the children and document everything she's been doing, including exposing your children to this Bastard!

Edited March 10, 2011 by Darth Vader

[robf1971]

Hello-

 

I am having a really hard time this week dealing with the recent separation from my wife of 8 years.

 

We have 3 kids togehter, a 6 year old, 3 year old and 16 month old...

 

Over the lasst 4 years we have been through A LOT together.. Making babies, buying and sselling a home, changing jobs, both in school full time, deaths in the family, etc...

 

I always thought we would be together forever since we had withstood all of these challenges...

 

Come November of 2010 my oldest child (15yr old) from a previous relation ship starts getting into drugs, skipping school, threatening suicide, and actually attempting it on New Years Eve 2010...

 

Over those two months (Nov-Dec 2010) I was very disconnected from my wife and younger kids because I was consumed with my oldest daughter's mental status. My daughter was rejecting me and telling me she hated me and wished I was dead.. and my wife was not very supportive. She actually stated that I "need to let her go because there is nothing I can do." I started meeting my friend at the bar after work, he is a psychology major and he listens and gives good advice.

 

Well.. we would sit there and have a few beers and I wouldn't get home from work until around 8 or 830pm.. Dinner cold, kids already in bed waiting for me. I did this several times per week over this two month period.

 

In the meantime my wife is going through her own trouble... she had gotten laid off of her job that she loved very much.

 

We had a talk in the middle of December about being better to each other.. and on the weekend of the 17th we had the most loving intimate weekend of our marriage. Everything was smooth until 12/31 when my oldest daughter swallowed a bottle of pills and had to be taken to the hospital and then later the mental hostpital.

 

Well.. my wifes job that had laid her off actualyl closed the doors completely on 1/7/2011.

 

When that happened everything changed.

 

Starting that weekend (1/8/2011) she became disconnected and started sleeping in the guest room.. going to bed early, drinking wine and sitting in bed listening to music on her laptop... this went on for the next week and I kept asking her what was happening.. and why was she so distant.

 

Well fast forward to the next weekend (1/15/2011) and on that Friday she started talking about maybe being separated.. and i lost it. I didn't want to lose my wife and best friend.

 

Long story short we decided I would go stay atmy friends for a few days... After that I returned home and she was acting the same... or maybe even more distant.

 

This goes on until 2/7/2011.. when we are sitting on the couch watching TV together, which was nice, but she got up to suddenly go to bed at 8:30 pm.. and she dropped her phone upon stading... so I reach over to pick up her phone for her and she freaks out and dives on top of me to rip the phone out of my hands.

 

That is when I knew.. finally. I noticed on the phone is said "new text message from 'dudes name' "... she went up stairs.. so I followed her and confronted her. hse denied anything except friendship and proceeded to tell me he was our age and single.

 

the next day i pack my clothes and move into a friends spare room... still in denial.. but too angry to be there with her in front of the kids.

 

Fast forward to 2/22... I log onto our verizon account for the first time in a while and just browse the usage history for her phone.. and discover that since 1/7/2011 she had been obsessively texting and calling a strange number at all hours of the night and day... so I confront her with this and she denies.

 

2/23.. she calls me at my friends and tells me EVERYTHING in full detail.. including the fact that they had been intimate in my house on my oldest daughters bed and the fact that they are IN LOVE!!!

 

Since this date I have been a very devastated person.. unable to eat most of the time.. and NEVER sleeping...

 

this week has been especially bad.. sick all day long.. puking in the mornings.. and anytime i talk about her and her new relationship.

 

She went and opened her own phone line so she and he could talk without me being abel to see it on our verizon account... and he continues to come to my house and have sex with her.

 

I just wanted to share this on this forum and hope that others know this feeling.. and maybe have some words of guidance or any advice.

 

this is easily the hardest thing I have EVER been through.. and I have been through A LOT.

 

Thanks for your time.

 

Ok I feel terrible for you... Niceness out of the way. I'm gonna put this in block capitals.

 

YOU ARE BEING WEAK AND YOUR WIFE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU

 

A calm quiet conversation is needed here.

 

"Wife I Will not live in an open marriage either break it of with OM or leave the house, I will not tolerate this going on under my nose"

 

She will start spewing at you big time, you just hold your hand up" Wife until you can talk to me in a civilised and friendly manner this conversatrion is over" then walk away.

 

She will probably start saying "your being controlling, I can see who I want"

 

At this point, remember actions speak louder than words. The next day bring some boxes back from work tell her your going to help pack her sh*t, load it all into boxes put it in the garage and tell her she has a week to find a new place, in fact you will be happy to help her move.

 

This is all about regaining your testicles, she has them in a vice at the moment. When she has gone file for full custody, get the best lawyer in town. then drop this woman like she's a bad habit. No emailing, calls, texting unless about the kids. Do not respond to any of her stuff either.

 

You need to get a life too, meet new people, I don 't mean cheating on your wife (2 wrongs don't make a right). Try meetup.coms they are great. Take up a new hobby, reconnect with old friends. This is gonna be tough man but you need to fake it till you make it.

 

Ohh you need to stop enabling your wife financially in any way, she wants to split, she can pay for her own rent, phone, internet etc. Wait n see how quick OM will drop your wife when he realises that she comes with 3 kids lol. It may be that wifey comes back to you, maybe not. Either way you will come out of this a better person.

 

Fistpump.....

[robf1971]

Kick her ASS OUT NOW! Protect your finances and home, go for sole custody of the children and document everything she's been doing, including exposing your children to this Bastard!

 

Lol, This too

[betterdeal]

Thank you. I want to do all of the things you stated... but I continue to have these moments of extreme weakness and I cannot get it out of my mind. I thought she was my soul mate. Now I do not even know who she is when I look at her. She is different. It's scary.

 

This is because your Real Self, (aka your inner child / soul / heart / subconscious - the essence at the centre that is you) has been betrayed and hurt at a time of great vulnerability by someone you gave the honour of access to your Real Self. You handed her your soul so that you could both carry it to the grave, and she has betrayed that trust. This is what is scary, what hurts. She is not your soul mate - she's someone who was lucky enough to share some of your life.

 

The fear you feel is unwarranted. She and he have done their worst. Now's time for the counter-attack on this shmuck, this interloper. Time to protect the people who really love you, who really matter - yourself and your daughters. You need to use everything available to you to protect, nuture and heal the wounds inflicted on you and them. This is why you eat well, you treat yourself, you get time off work if you can, you treat you as well as you can. You have a son now.

 

Getting a lawyer is an excellent idea. Sound out what the consequences of going home when she's out and changing the locks are. If it's to protect your children from the emotional and sexual abuse (and bringing clowns into the family home to have sex with is sexual abuse) they are experiencing, courts may well see it as a good act.

Edited March 10, 2011 by betterdeal

[notwhatIwanted]

Ok I feel terrible for you... Niceness out of the way. I'm gonna put this in block capitals.

 

YOU ARE BEING WEAK AND YOUR WIFE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU

 

A calm quiet conversation is needed here.

 

"Wife I Will not live in an open marriage either break it of with OM or leave the house, I will not tolerate this going on under my nose"

 

She will start spewing at you big time, you just hold your hand up" Wife until you can talk to me in a civilised and friendly manner this conversatrion is over" then walk away.

 

She will probably start saying "your being controlling, I can see who I want"

 

At this point, remember actions speak louder than words. The next day bring some boxes back from work tell her your going to help pack her sh*t, load it all into boxes put it in the garage and tell her she has a week to find a new place, in fact you will be happy to help her move.

 

This is all about regaining your testicles, she has them in a vice at the moment. When she has gone file for full custody, get the best lawyer in town. then drop this woman like she's a bad habit. No emailing, calls, texting unless about the kids. Do not respond to any of her stuff either.

 

You need to get a life too, meet new people, I don 't mean cheating on your wife (2 wrongs don't make a right). Try meetup.coms they are great. Take up a new hobby, reconnect with old friends. This is gonna be tough man but you need to fake it till you make it.

 

Ohh you need to stop enabling your wife financially in any way, she wants to split, she can pay for her own rent, phone, internet etc. Wait n see how quick OM will drop your wife when he realises that she comes with 3 kids lol. It may be that wifey comes back to you, maybe not. Either way you will come out of this a better person.

 

Fistpump.....

 

This is because your Real Self, (aka your inner child / soul / heart / subconscious - the essence at the centre that is you) has been betrayed and hurt at a time of great vulnerability by someone you gave the honour of access to your Real Self. You handed her your soul so that you could both carry it to the grave, and she has betrayed that trust. This is what is scary, what hurts. She is not your soul mate - she's someone who was lucky enough to share some of your life.

 

The fear you feel is unwarranted. She and he have done their worst. Now's time for the counter-attack on this shmuck, this interloper. Time to protect the people who really love you, who really matter - yourself and your daughters. You need to use everything available to you to protect, nuture and heal the wounds inflicted on you and them. This is why you eat well, you treat yourself, you get time off work if you can, you treat you as well as you can. You have a son now.

 

Getting a lawyer is an excellent idea. Sound out what the consequences of going home when she's out and changing the locks are. If it's to protect your children from the emotional and sexual abuse (and bringing clowns into the family home to have sex with is sexual abuse) they are experiencing, courts may well see it as a good act.

 

unfortunately... I am an idiot.. and I decided to move out in February because I couldn't take what was going on.

 

I had no idea that would hurt me in a custody / marital asset battle.

 

I only left because of what she was doing.. I should have kicked her out.

 

now I am scared...

 

but I will fight for everything.. and I will fight to protect my kids.

[What_Next]

Up until it happened to me I personally believed that cheating should mean instand divorce, however I've changed my outlook on that. Given the right circumstances a marriage can recover from cheating. Yours isn't it my friend. Drop her like a STONE, fight for your kids, fight for whats yours. Scorched Earth is the way to go, BURY HER!

[notwhatIwanted]

Thanks... That is my plan and focus now.

 

You all have been extremely helpful in getting me out of my pity party.

 

Thank you all.

[notwhatIwanted]

Ugh... she just called my cell!!!!!! It is so hard to ignore her.

 

my heart is pounding now. lol.

[What_Next]

The reality is you have children so contact with her will be necessary. So you had better formulate a plan to that end. Keep and and ALL communication strictly on topic regarding the children and/or divorce/financial matters. Get an attourney and have her served, get the ball rolling.

 

If this "man" is as you say he is, don't kid yourself he is plotting right along with your wife. Protect yourself. Be strong, be confident. Your kids need you. Your "wife" is a failure as a parent for bringing this person into your martial home. Remember that.

[PollyIvy]

I think you should move back home and be with your children. Then, start over again, with a legal separation, and you on solid ground. She will have to see her boyfriend elsewhere, not at the family home, I mean come on.

Keep taking care of those little girls -they need you while their mother is off on planet 'me'.

I also recommend prozac to keep the feelings numb while you navigate this distress, and keep your job.

So sorry, it sounds incredibly painful.

[Darth Vader]

I think you should move back home and be with your children. Then, start over again, with a legal separation, and you on solid ground. She will have to see her boyfriend elsewhere, not at the family home, I mean come on.

Keep taking care of those little girls -they need you while their mother is off on planet 'me'.

I also recommend prozac to keep the feelings numb while you navigate this distress, and keep your job.

So sorry, it sounds incredibly painful.

 

 

Move back home, then find out if you can file a restraining order against this OM and against your STBXW! Why against your STBXW, because she's the one carrying on in your children's home, bringing in some man who has a spousal abuse record! He may abuse your children if you don't, if he hasn't done so already! You realize this Bitch of a wife is dumping on you, your marriage, even on your daughter from your other marriage, and you left, why? Why are taking her S H I T?! Throw her out!

[FreeNow]

When in doubt, do what's best for the kids.

 

Well stated! Can I use that for my sig line?