Ugh, it's happening again

[dispatch3d]

Alright, I'm going to try something tomorrow.

 

I'll probably try to get her phone number or get lunch with her or see if she wants to go out dancing with me or maybe all three.

 

That is, assuming she even shows up to class tomorrow.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Ask her if she wants to get lunch sometime. I wouldn't bother leading with a phone number or anything - she'll say yes regardeless then you're in this meh predicament where she may answer/she may not. At least if you ask directly you can gauge from her enthusiasm whether it's a good idea or not.

[welikeincrowds]

If she goes that far, then you've just lead her out of the salsa zone

 

 

THE SALSA ZONE

 

It sounds intimidating.

[GivenUp0083]

No, me thinking that a girl might like me but what might be really happening is that she's just being friendly and I'm misinterpreting that friendliness as interest and I'll get rejected if I ask her out then she'll think I'm all weird for asking her out when had she no real interest in me.Yay for runon's.

 

So what?

 

You won't go to prison for asking a girl out, and it's in no way damaging to your long term health. At least you can feel better knowing you took a shot. If it's weird afterward, just say to her "hey, I don't want it to be weird because I asked you out, I'm cool with staying friends" and then the world will continue to spin on a 33 degree angle and I'm sure another cute girl with interest in you will cross your path.

 

Take a shot, grow a pair. You're not in high school, are you?

[somedude81]

Aright, we're going to get lunch on Wednesday. She's low on cash and wants to eat at the dorm cafeteria which is free for people who dorm. If you don't dorm, you got to pay in cash, which I had none on me at the time.

 

Now I need to make sure that she doesn't get the wrong idea about me and think I'm looking for a friend. This is basically where I keep screwing up with women.

 

I also mentioned that we need to do an out of class assignment but I didn't get into any details. I'll talk to her about that when I see her next.

[Cracker Jack]

That's a good start, somedude.

 

Now it's time to overcome that recurring hurdle. I'm really hoping you do well.

[cutecatch]

For most of my youth (up to about 16), girls have been very mean to me. I never really got over that, and I've never had any positive reinforcement that told me it's ok to ask girls out.

 

The biggest fear of mine is how getting rejected will damage my ego and I'll probably feel like crap for a couple of days. So that's why I get scared of asking girls out. Most girls now are really nice, but I'm not nice to myself at all.

 

Dude who cares if you get rejected, never live with regret. Always go after what you want

[somedude81]

I knew this sh*t was going to happen.

 

She seemed to be avoiding me during class.

 

When it was over I talked to her and asked her if she still wanted to go and she said sorry that she had a lot of stuff to do. She didn't say anything like we should do it again a different day.

 

I'm betting she thought that I just wanted to be friends when I initially asked her. After a day to think about it, she realized what I wanted then changed her mind.

 

I am so tired of this crap.

 

Always go after what you want

I do.

 

But when I never get what I want, I feel like shlt.

[heartshaped]

One of the most important lessons in dating is learning how to handle rejection. Don't take it personally. These women that reject you, they don't even know you. They reject you based on either a) something personal going on in their life or b) their first impression of you. Either way, they aren't rejecting you as a person because they don't know you as a person. You have to learn to brush these types of things off and keep moving.

 

I gotta ask too, is it just your perception of things, or are you rejected a lot? If you are getting rejected a lot, chances are there's a reason.

[Cracker Jack]

Man, that sucks.

 

How was she avoiding you during class? I was so looking forward to reading a good update, too. I honestly don't know what to say.

[bac]

No, me thinking that a girl might like me but what might be really happening is that she's just being friendly and I'm misinterpreting that friendliness as interest and I'll get rejected if I ask her out then she'll think I'm all weird for asking her out when had she no real interest in me.

 

Yay for runon's.

 

IMO she is about 19 and she is just too naive and friendly. She has no idea of what is on your mind. I think this way because she is too too friendly. If she had a real interest in you, she would be afraid of being so so friendly. But, there is always a chance that a girl might be a promiscuous girl. That means she says 'yes' to every guy no matter who he is. Therefore, it is a good idea to try to ask her out.

 

Sorry, I have just read that you were rejected.

Unfortunately, there are not so many promiscuous girls especially at college. But, there are enough of them in general. Just be selective and choose the promiscuous one. Do not go for a nice, sweet and naive barely legal girl.

Edited March 16, 2011 by bac

[somedude81]

One of the most important lessons in dating is learning how to handle rejection. Don't take it personally. These women that reject you, they don't even know you. They reject you based on either a) something personal going on in their life or b) their first impression of you. Either way, they aren't rejecting you as a person because they don't know you as a person. You have to learn to brush these types of things off and keep moving.

 

I gotta ask too, is it just your perception of things, or are you rejected a lot? If you are getting rejected a lot, chances are there's a reason.

Yes I am rejected a lot. It seems the only time I'm not rejected, is because the girl is naive and doesn't know that I want to be more than friends.

 

Because of that I get a 1st date every once in a while. I have never had a second date. Last I even kissed a girl was over 5 years ago.

 

So it's extremely difficult not to take a rejection personally when that's all I ever get. If 20 girls reject me, it's obviously not them, there is something wrong with me.

Man, that sucks.

 

How was she avoiding you during class? I was so looking forward to reading a good update, too. I honestly don't know what to say.

There were several opportunities we had to talk and she walked away before I could say anything. That was the opposite of her normal behavior. When class was over she was playing with her phone and seemed like she trying to pretend that we hadn't made plans. The vibe I got from her was totally different from Monday.

IMO she is about 19 and she is just too naive and friendly. She has no idea of what is on your mind. I think this way because she is too too friendly. If she had a real interest in you, she would be afraid of being so so friendly.

And here is the key.

 

She was being too friendly for her good. The other girls who I thought may have been interested in me, were probably doing the same thing.

 

It really is a no win situation. BTW how the hell am I supposed to tell when a girl is interested versus her being naively friendly?

 

 

But, there is always a chance that a girl might be a promiscuous girl. That means she says 'yes' to every guy no matter who he is. Therefore, it is a good idea to try to ask her out.

 

Sorry, I have just read that you were rejected.

Unfortunately, there are not so many promiscuous girls especially at college. But, there are enough of them in general. Just be selective and choose the promiscuous one. Do not go for a nice, sweet and naive barely legal girl.

I'd rather not go for a promiscuous girl. I also have no idea how to meet them and figure out who is promiscuous or not. I just want to meet a nice fun girl and date her.

 

 

 

Why is that so hard in a school of 27 thousand students with 60% are female to do that?

 

Am I really that undesirable?

[heartshaped]

There's nothing wrong with you, OP. At the most, there's something wrong with the way you are presenting yourself, your technique, or just the sort of women you are going after in general.

 

First, I just have to ask and I don't mean this in a mean way, but do you come across as insecure or not confident in yourself or like you have low self esteem? Women aren't attracted to that. No one is really. Even if you don't feel confident in yourself, you should always act as if you are sure of what you are doing, and what you want. Don't ever put yourself down in front of a woman. It's severely unattractive.

 

Second, you might be getting friend zoned before you even ask a woman on a date. It's very important that you don't wait too long after meeting a woman [if you like her] to ask her on a date. You wait too long and you run the risk of being written off. Don't be too friendly either. Being friendly leads us to believe you want to be friends. Flirt, compliment, ask out.

 

Third, we all have certain "dating groups" I'll call it for lack of a better word. Women more than a few years younger than you probably won't be interested because they feel you're too old for them and the same goes for women a few years older with a few exceptions. What I mean is try to stick to women in your age range and women that you think you would share common interests with.

 

Have you tried online dating? I think that would help you cut to the chase.

[Jack & Coke]

Happens to the best of us. Don't let this discourage you from putting your bid in with the next one.

[somedude81]

There's nothing wrong with you, OP. At the most, there's something wrong with the way you are presenting yourself, your technique,

Those things are still who I am.

 

I try my best to look good. As for my technique, it's always sucked. How am I supposed to learn what works with women when I never get any feedback? I'm trying to be fun and outgoing but women just don't like me.

or just the sort of women you are going after in general.

I've gone after many types of women; from gaming geeks to party girls. None of them want to date me.

First, I just have to ask and I don't mean this in a mean way, but do you come across as insecure or not confident in yourself or like you have low self esteem? Women aren't attracted to that. No one is really. Even if you don't feel confident in yourself, you should always act as if you are sure of what you are doing, and what you want. Don't ever put yourself down in front of a woman. It's severely unattractive.

I never say anything bad about myself in person.

 

While I have horrible self-esteem and confidence I don't think it comes out in public. When I'm around girls, I'm just having fun, not worrying about anything.

 

Acting sure that I know what I'm doing isn't as easy as it sounds. It is very hard to fake confidence. Even harder to do it without getting caught.

 

Still I keep trying with girls.

Second, you might be getting friend zoned before you even ask a woman on a date. It's very important that you don't wait too long after meeting a woman [if you like her] to ask her on a date. You wait too long and you run the risk of being written off.

How long is too long? I've made threads about the friendzone and nobody can give me an answer.

 

I've known this girl for about two months, and I see her twice a week in class. She's been absent for about half the class sessions. I don't think I've talked to her for more than five minutes at a time.

 

 

Don't be too friendly either. Being friendly leads us to believe you want to be friends. Flirt, compliment, ask out.

Don't be too friendly? That's the first time I've ever heard that. That's also how I flirt, with a bit of teasing thrown in. I'm wary of giving compliments because of the whole pedestal thing.

 

Third, we all have certain "dating groups" I'll call it for lack of a better word. Women more than a few years younger than you probably won't be interested because they feel you're too old for them and the same goes for women a few years older with a few exceptions. What I mean is try to stick to women in your age range and women that you think you would share common interests with.

I look and act a whole lot younger than I am. If I asked her how old she thought I was, she'd guess about 5 years to low.

 

That also doesn't explain that when I was the same age of the girls I was asking out, they were still rejecting me.

 

Seriously, I've gotten nothing but rejections from 13 to 29.

Have you tried online dating? I think that would help you cut to the chase.

For some reason there is nothing but really heavy girls online in my area. I'm also only 5'6 which is too short for a woman to bother with when dating online is nothing but a man catalog for her.

Happens to the best of us. Don't let this discourage you from putting your bid in with the next one.

Yeah, but do the best of us get rejected non-stop? I have had no success and I'm getting pretty scared that the next time won't be any different.

[Cracker Jack]

Yeah, based on how she was avoiding you, it really does seem like she just changed completely rather quickly. Based on your other topic, it really seemed like she emitted nothing but positive energy around you, but now it just seems like she's treating you like another guy.

 

I really hope things get better for you, man. That's rough.

[PJKino]

Sorry to hear that dude, i know how it feels

 

Usually women show no interest in me at all my 30 years ,there was one girl who did and i was convincd she liked me but then it turns out she didnt and it crushed me

 

Havent approached women since and dont plan to, my lifes been less stressful and hurts less now that ive givne up on women for the most part and have zero expectations of finding one

[somedude81]

Yeah it was a quick change.

 

I think she just suddenly got a clue that I wasn't looking for a new friend and realized what path we were on.

 

PJ,

 

The stress does take it's tole on me. But I want a woman in my life too desperately not stop trying.

 

I'd rather die than give up and live alone.

[bac]

It really is a no win situation. BTW how the hell am I supposed to tell when a girl is interested versus her being naively friendly?

I'd rather not go for a promiscuous girl. I also have no idea how to meet them and figure out who is promiscuous or not. I just want to meet a nice fun girl and date her.

Why is that so hard in a school of 27 thousand students with 60% are female to do that?

Am I really that undesirable?

 

You can not know if she is after sex unless you try and possibly get rejected.

Being selective and trying a lot should help.

 

When they are 19, they are naive and they are still learning from reality. Her parents tought her that it is nice to be very friendly and respectful with older people. So, she is trying to be a good girl. But, she will figure out by 25 that her parents did not teach her all details about being friendly with older guys.

Now, she is confused because either her parents were wrong about friendliness with all people and she thinks that your reaction was wrong because you are a perv. or her parents did not teach her some important details about behavior with males and your reaction was typical for a normal male.

 

There are nothing wrong with majority promiscuous girls. They just want the same things that men do. It is easy to figure out that she is promiscuous by the fact that she agrees to have sex with you easily. As for a nice girl 19, you might get what you want, but it might take years to wash her brains while you are in the friendzone.

 

Why is that so hard in a school of 27 thousand students with 60% are female to do that?

Some men believe that the goal of attending college is just getting laid with as many hot students as possible. I guess girls think differently.

 

You are probably desirable by all other types of women except barely legal girls. Do you remember yourself when you were 6-7 y.o? How would you feel if a female who is 10 yrs older than you asked you out, wanted to kiss and do oral on you? You would be very surprised and upset because you would not be ready for the hot stuff yet.

 

As for girls 19, they know the many things which they should do to prove their womanhood. These things are being beautiful, desirable, nice, good at sex, have a BF, then a husband and kids........ . But, when a man 29 wants to do smth sexual with a naive, nice girl, she does not feel enough emotional/intellectual connection to fall in love with him. She just feel as a 6 y.o. boy who was offered to get some oral and other sexual fun.

 

BTW, the 6 y.o boy is even more advanced in sex than a girl. Because most of the girls have no idea even where their clit is located, have never touched themselves because their parents let them know that it was wrong and have never had any sexual sensations in their genitalia. If they screem during sex it is mostly because of pain and pleasure of attention. You might touch her clit many times as well as a woman can do oral on a boy, 6. but it is not going to change the fact that they are not ready for real sex. They will tell you that they like you doing that because of social pressure to be adequate in sex. But, IRL they feel nothing except frustration and annoyance.

[somedude81]

Bac, you are talking like 19 year old guys aren't interested in sex. And that is just not true. Men start wanting sex around 16-17.

 

I am not more perverted than guys that are the same age as the girls I'm after. Just the opposite actually. I don't come on strong at all. I'm not seen as a sexual threat so girls just think I'm friendly.

 

I do not tell girls how old I am until after I've known them for awhile. So there is no way that she can think I'm an older guy. There are guys in the class who I'm sure I'm a few years older than, who actually look older than I do.

 

Some men believe that the goal of attending college is just getting laid with as many hot students as possible. I guess girls think differently.

What is the goal that women have?

I know many, many, girls that are 18-22 who have a boyfriend. So obviously the girls are open to it.

[bac]

Bac, you are talking like 19 year old guys aren't interested in sex. And that is just not true. Men start wanting sex around 16-17.

 

What is the goal that women have?

I know many, many, girls that are 18-22 who have a boyfriend. So obviously the girls are open to it.

 

Sure, men are interested in sex at 16 -17. But, some women get the same level of interest in sex only after 40. When girls are 16-17y.o., they are interested in a relationship which means friendship and emotional connection first. Only if there is a real friendship/emotional connection, a girl would consider having sex unless she is promiscuous.

Girls, 18-22 have BFs who are guys the same age and with whom they have many things in common. The things are not the young looks at all but they are life experiences, feelings, thoughts, attitudes, activities, friends and many other emotional/intellectual things in common which people want to share.

[Els]

OP, I think you would be better off asking someone who knows you IRL to give you suggestions on what you can change. It's tough to advise people online when you can't really see how they act, talk, etc. Plenty of guys seem okay on paper but when you get to know them IRL you realize there is something wrong with them. NOT saying you necessarily do, but IF you do, a RL friend should be better placed to give advice than us.

[Cee]

Somedude, I'm glad that you keep trying. And it seems like you have tried every strategy under the sun.

 

My current BF (age 24) hadn't had a real girlfriend before. He's told stories of taking women to parties for a date and have them ditch him and hook up with someone else. Or getting friendzoned, etc. The ones he dated went "crazy" after a few weeks or months and abandoned him in a graceless way.

 

Anyway, the guy is a major catch. A total winner in every way. I thank my lucky stars he didn't give up and asked me out. I was bruised by the dating scene and had almost given up when I met him.

 

It only takes one woman to see you. Unfortunately, you have to face many who won't.

 

Since you are 29, you might want to see if you can dip into networks of women who are past college. I don't know if your college town has a post-grad life, but grad students, recent grads, and working women might be a good option for you. Meetup groups, online dating, group social activities, and dancing (which you mentioned) might be a good place to look/

[fortyninethousand322]

That sucks dude, sorry you had to go through that.

 

I've come up with a crazy plan that may or may not work. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. How about purposely making friends with women, as many women as you can. Still be flirty, playful, etc. but don't ask them out. At some point one of them is bound to get frustrated and either ask you out, or give you extremely obvious signs. Or if that doesn't happen, they're bound to have other female friends that you can meet.

 

If the above doesn't work, then I got nothing.

[somedude81]

When girls are 16-17y.o., they are interested in a relationship which means friendship and emotional connection first.

That's what I want. I'm trying to build relationships based on friendship and emotional connection first. But that keeps getting me friendzoned.

 

So I'm just frustrated and confused.

Girls, 18-22 have BFs who are guys the same age and with whom they have many things in common. The things are not the young looks at all but they are life experiences, feelings, thoughts, attitudes, activities, friends and many other emotional/intellectual things in common which people want to share.

That is precisely why I go after the younger girls. I am much more like them than I am with girls my age.

 

The girls my age are out of school and have been working for several years. The people they hang out with are their age and they have much more relationship experience than I. Their interests are different from my own.

 

I'm simply not a good match for a woman my age.

OP, I think you would be better off asking someone who knows you IRL to give you suggestions on what you can change. It's tough to advise people online when you can't really see how they act, talk, etc. Plenty of guys seem okay on paper but when you get to know them IRL you realize there is something wrong with them. NOT saying you necessarily do, but IF you do, a RL friend should be better placed to give advice than us.

Yeah, I fully agree with you. Only a person who knows me in IRL can give me really valid feedback.

 

Funny that before you made your post, I emailed a girl who was my friend asking for some feedback. I doubt she's going to reply though since the last time we talked was back in December. And I basically spilled my guts to her Sadly she's the closest thing I had to a female friend in the past six months. I don't know who else to ask.

 

But yes, I really need some IRL feedback.

 

Cee, so you can understand what I'm going through. And I really believe I am a catch once a girl actually looks at me in the right way. I mention the older women thing earlier in my post.

That sucks dude, sorry you had to go through that.

 

I've come up with a crazy plan that may or may not work. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. How about purposely making friends with women, as many women as you can. Still be flirty, playful, etc. but don't ask them out. At some point one of them is bound to get frustrated and either ask you out, or give you extremely obvious signs. Or if that doesn't happen, they're bound to have other female friends that you can meet.

 

If the above doesn't work, then I got nothing.

That's a great plan, if I didn't easily fall for my female friends I have no control over it.

[WTRanger]

That sucks dude, sorry you had to go through that.

 

I've come up with a crazy plan that may or may not work. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. How about purposely making friends with women, as many women as you can. Still be flirty, playful, etc. but don't ask them out. At some point one of them is bound to get frustrated and either ask you out, or give you extremely obvious signs. Or if that doesn't happen, they're bound to have other female friends that you can meet.

 

If the above doesn't work, then I got nothing.

 

Or, how about you ask girls out. If you get rejected, oh well. If you go on a date and it sucks, oh well. Just keep learning. Hell, even go out with a girl that's lower than your, admittedly impossibly high standards, and figure out a girl's signals. You can't learn when you take out the hottest girl who has had more experience than you. In fact, since you like younger women, the fact that they can clearly see they are more experienced than you is a death sentence for your love life. If a girl goes for an older man it is because he is supposed to be experienced, mature, etc. Learn with a few flops on how to make the first move, how to properly ask for dates, make the kiss, etc.

 

The whole reason the OP has never had a relationship is he is too scared to ask girls out. Too scared of rejection. Too scared of women in general. You'll never learn you'll live with getting rejected until you have it done to you over and over again. The reason the OP equates massive rejection with these girls is that he spends weeks, if not months, in the shadows building up this massively impossible reality with his secret feelings. The fake-feelings build and build until when he finally meekly attempts to ask them out, they say no and the whole fake-world he just spent creating explodes. He doesn't realize that it will hurt far less if you just ask her out on day one before those fake-feelings exist. So if she does say no, it stings a bit but doesn't send you into a depressive tailspin.

 

Also, if you are going for younger girls than you, you can't complain about a lack of maturity. They simply see things differently than you. And for God's sake. DO NOT ASK THEM TO HANG OUT! My sister has a great example about this. There was a guy who did exactly what you do. Very meek, very awkward, very shy. So when he finally asked her to do something, she asked him if it was a date. When he said, "I don't know, maybe. Hang out perhaps?" She blatantly told him that when he figures out if it is a date or not, call her back. He hasn't called her back. Oh, she's interested in him and has been for a long time. But she's not going to play the hang-out game or deal with a guy who is too scared to make a move.

 

The withholding the age thing, that's stupid. What are you, one of them fake-ass housewives on those TV shows? Dude, take it from me, being older and back in school after working in the real world for a bit (albeit graduate school) has garnered me so much more ass than when I was an undergrad. Why? I'm the older guy that the 21-22 year old college girls who are tired of the drunk ass frat boys are looking for. It literally is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. Use you age to your advantage! That should be your ace card!