jasminenh92 Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 So, I'm a 19-yr-old female who has just recently put the pieces together and discovered that I was emotionally and mentally abused by my mom. I lived with my grandmother since I was a newborn and then at the beginning of high school, my mother "forced" me to move in with her. Well, I wasn't happy and anytime I tried to tell her how I felt, I got shot down and got the "silent treatment" or she sighed and rolled her eyes at me. I would retreat to my bedroom and not come out. This went on for 4 yrs and then my stepfather did the same thing to me, but not as often, and soon, so did my brother-in-law. When I turned 18, I moved out of my mother's house and back with my grandmother. I recently celebrated my 19th birthday and now I'm going to be with a wonderful guy that I've known for 6 or 7 yrs prior to this. We have talked about dating and all that, but then I shared the news with him about how I had been abused. He seemed to act different after that, but I think that's just me, overreacting. I want to be with him, but it's so hard believing that he wants to be with me and it's a shock that he likes me. (That's how I feel about it.) I had a "talk" with him today and I just got in a down kind of mood and told him how I felt like I was never good enough and he got upset and told me to stop. I don't blame him. I have done an excellent job at trying to control my emotions, but now, it's just really hard. I don't want to seem weak and vulnerable to him b/c all those yrs he knew me before we started talking, he knew me as a tough girl b/c that was a the face I would put on. But now, he's getting really close to my heart and it's making me act defensive. It's even scarier b/c he actually wants to be with me. My previous relationship was "no strings attached" and that was fine with me, but he wants the whole "dating" relationship. I'm afraid of holding back b/c that's not what you do in a relationship, but I'm also afraid of letting go b/c I don't want to get hurt more than is necessary. If someone has some advice, it'd be nice. Tell me if it's just me over-analyzing or what... Thank you so much. jasminenh92 Link to post Share on other sites
Trishi Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I'm really sorry to hear that about your family... I know how it feels, although I have only had the issue for half a year by now. About your boyfriend... To me, it sounds as if you have been friends for a long time, and that he actively cares for you. When he gets mad, and tells you to stop, it isn't to be rude, or make you feel bad. I've gotten the same threatment from my friends, and it is far more positive than it seems. The fact that they get mad at you when you tell them you feel bad about yourself, proves they care for you. Same goes for this guy. If you are only just starting to show him who you really are, there will obviously be some awkward moments. After all, he thought he knew who you were, when it turns out you have a completely different side as well. That isn't a bad thing though. In fact, that can easily bring you closer together than ever before. Think of it like this: If you usually keep a tough and strong mask up, people think that is how you are. If you let him in on your "personal secret", and show him you are not that strong at all, he will know the next time you show your tough and strong persona. In other words, he will have a deeper understanding of who you are, than anyone else. From what I can get by reading your post, it seems you both like each other. So don't stop it. That'd be silly. Holding back would be a bit silly as well, unless you aren't feeling certain about this. I'll speak from a different perspective from here on, as the general structure in your country most likely differs from mine, but in my country, psykological threatment is free. It sounds as if you'd do well to speak to somebody, that can give you advise and allow you to vent out some frustration. If you feel afraid to start a relationship with him, based on the fear of losing him forever, tell him. Explain how you don't think you can commit to him in your current state, but will have to work on it a bit. Regardless of what you do though, pushing him away will seem like a bad choice. Link to post Share on other sites
UniformLover Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 One of the best things you can do is get some sort of therapy. It may help to have someone from the outside looking in help you work through your feelings, thoughts and emotions. it's one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. It may help you let some of this go and be better able to more forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 My advice would be to cease telling this person too much about the past and find a therapist, Pastor, friend or whatever to share that stuff with. I don't mean to completely hide it but unresolved stuff can drain a relationship if not delt with appropriately. Consider this also - that 'tough girl' persona is still you. This may be what he is attracted to. Be careful that you don't try and make this boy fit into an emotional space that your parents and others failed to satisfy. So keep having fun and keep things light and lively because you are young and none of those people are around you now! I have seen one too many fall into the act of trying to 'bare all' and **** like that and find that they have opened a can of worms that they can't close, never mind their current partner. I have found this to be especially true of those who do not admit their part in the demise of former relationships. Don't expect this person to have the answers. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
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