Slpnbuety Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Looking for advice & feedback on my situation: My boyfriend and I have been dating 10 months. When we met, he had just ended a 15-year marriage and his ex-wife moved with their 8-year old daughter across the country. I expressed concerns at that time that he hadn't taken "healing time", but he said he had been unhappily married for 7 years and that was his "healing time." We have had an awesome relationship - definitely the best I've ever had and he says the best he ever had. We are both 38 - and both of us have been married before. We have never had a fight, not even an argument. We did everything together and had fun whether we were at a black tie party for one of our offices, a hockey game, or just sitting around the house. We have many, many, many things in common and we are (or were) the best of friends. A couple of weeks ago, he told me he was "in a fog" - he said it wasn't about our relationship, but life in general. He also started seeing a therapist. He told me several times it wasn't me or our relationship, but he was unhappy and confused about where his life was going - did he want to stay in the same job, did he want to move to be closer to his daughter, did he ever want to get married again, have more children, coach little league, etc., etc. He said he wanted time and space because being with me clouded his judgement. I told him to take a month. Is this because he didn't take some "down time" following the divorce to sort through things in life. I know it took me at least a year to get over my divorce, and I didn't have children involved, so I can only imagine how hard it is with the daughter. The good thing about his daughter is he has the type of job where he can work remotely and their original agreement was that he would travel to where she is and see her for one week per month and she would come see him for one month during the summer. When they talk on the phone recently, she flips out saying she wants her old house back, her backyard, her dogs, etc. I know this hurts him. It was exactly a year ago that they moved. I also know in my heart the ex only moved to hurt him - and moving their daughter 2500 miles away was how she did it. Is this all coming to a head now because it's been a year? I haven't pushed for a deeper commitment, marriage or anything like that. He agrees that I have not pressured him. I told him we should take a 30-day break and he should stop calling me and IM'ing me because it was confusing to me. We used to spend our weekends together - we've only seen each other twice this month, yet he was continuing to call me every day and would always say how confused and unhappy he was and didn't know why. I asked if he wanted my help to get through this and he said it is something he needs to do alone. That's when I suggested the break. I know he loves me and I love him and we have a trusting relationship. I miss him very, very much. I would welcome any opinions, suggestions and advice on how I should handle the next few weeks. Also, his birthday is in two weeks and I don't know if I should send a card, give him a call or ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Sounds like he does have alot of things going on that he needs to work through. I don't think it is because he didn't have time after his marriage. I don't think your relationship would have lasted that long if the healing time was a concern. I think in this situation it is ok to break for a month, but hold him to it. I do think you should send him a birthday card. I think he would be upset if he felt as if you forgot about him. If he truly loves you, he will be back. Think positive and keep busy. Link to post Share on other sites
cutiebabe Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I Totally agree with Priscilla. You should call him and or send a card for his birthday, its a reassurance thing. I also think though that maybe because he didnt have healing time after the divorce that could be affecting it and also the fact that he has a daughter who as you said wants her old house etc back.When my parents divorced I was torn because my dad moved to another state and i rarely saw or heard from him, so i can understand where the child is coming from and im sure i did things that made my father and mother feel very guilty about the divorce but i came around. You should keep busy and i dont think that the occaisional call will affect his time apart, because i think that will reassure you he still cares (by saying I love you etc at the end of the convo) and also will reassure him.He sounds like he needs alot of support right now so i think the best thing you can do is just be there for him (let him know that too). Best of Luck, but remember that if its meant to be nothing can keep youse apart. Blessed Be. Link to post Share on other sites
Slpnbuety Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Thank you both so much for the advice! I cannot tell you how much your words help me. I wish I had more faith and patience, it's just so difficult going "cold turkey" when we had such a close relationship. Thanks again - I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
cutiebabe Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 hey thats no problem. You're Welcome. Goodluck. Link to post Share on other sites
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