My girl...

[Somewhat Healed]

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 months and we have a little problem : I do everything !

 

She's the most sympatic, understanding, helpfull and trustworthy girl in the world but she seems to lack self-confidence. I mean, I almost always choose what we do. When I ask what she wants, she's like "I don't care, choose what you want, I'll be happy".

 

In bed, I feel a lot of pressure on my shoulders. You know, i'm not the kind of guy of will sit naked in front of girl saying something lame like "what do you want me to do". I know that girls doesn't like it. But she just can't seem to know what her desires are. This week-end we did forplay for like 1 hours, she was very aroused but I decided to not move. It didn't go further. She was very frustated because she wanted me so bad but i'm really tired of always having to move first.

 

We talked about that and she's very sorry (she's so understanding).

 

Her father is violent (we're 17 yrs old), it's probably the cause of her shyness.

 

What do you think ? I'm tired to say I love you first, i'm tired to hold her hand first, i'm tired to choose the music we listen and i'm tired to choose which movie we rent (oh and I also choose the videoclub). But to be honest, i'm still happy with the relationship, I don't want to broke-up but... Is there anyway I could help her to overcome this problem ?

 

BTW, I know it's totally out of context, but she once told me that she masturbated only once in 5 months, what?!?!

[Paulie]

Firstoff, as far as the masturbation issue goes, it's actually quite common for girls to not masturbate very often. Some do it everyday, others don't. You need to communicate to her that this Really bothers you, and maybe she is afraid that you will reject her advances. You need to discuss this with her further, and if that doesn't work, it could just be the case that the two of you have clashing personalities, or at least ones that are incompatible for your sense of happiness.

[Tony T]

YOU better become more kind, understanding and compassionate towards your girlfriend and all other people.

 

The key here is her father is violent. He has probably suppressed all information about sex, has probably never been affectionate towards her, has probably made her a nervous wreck all through life, she probably suffers from moderate to severe depression as a result, she probably knows little about what love is ALL about because she received little of it from her father. I'm sure her mother was abused as well, if she was around. This bum of a dad probably has never ever allowed any discussions of sex and is probably very repressive in that department.

 

You better be a lot nicer to this girl and a lot more patient!!!! She has suffered more than you know. You don't need to add to her suffering. In you, she is looking for an oasis of love, kindness, fair treatment, etc. that she never got at home.

 

In the area of sex, be very very patient with her. Take months or a year or two if you have to for her to get up to speed and to feel comfortable with a sexuality that her father most likely made her feel was nasty and unladylike.

 

The girl has been traumatized. I unconditionally guarantee that if you get into a conversation with her about the extreme suffering she has sustained as a result of her father's anger and violence, she will start bawling.

 

I don't know at your age you may not be capable of the depth of understanding and compassion that this girl needs because most teens are looking out for their own selfish interests. I hope you are not one of those. However, if you cannot try to be extra good to this lady, let her go find somebody who will.

 

If you can find it in your heart to understand what she has gone through and help her work on her feelings...and help her work on getting more comfortable and knowing more about sex, you will have truly become a man!!!

 

Please, go easy on this girl...PLEASE!!!! She has gone through enough hell with her dad, she doesn't need an ounce from you!!! I'm sure she is getting the most love she has ever gotten IN HER LIFE from you so her feelings are very delicate. PLEASE keep this in mind.

 

And, yes, if you are not willing to do the work and you need a girl right away who participates more actively in the act of sex, seek that elsewhere and let this girl down EASY!!!

[Somewhat Healed]

First of all, I want to apologize because I haven't expressed myself correctly. I get misunderstood each time I write on this board. I just want to point out that I don't really feel confortable with the english langage (I speak french). I am sorry, I hope that this time i'll be more clear.

 

First all, there's too much emphasis on sex, to me, it doesn't matter that much. I'm more disturbed with the fact that she can't seems to be able to make choices or express her desires (like when we go to the videoclub). I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY, that's my #1 priority. I have been there too (yes I was one of thoses lovesick puppy nice guy) and I know by experience that it's not a great way to get happiness. I love my gf with all of my heart and I wish only the best for her.

 

While I know that you're to only who can make yourself happy, I'd like to know HOW I can assist her in gaining more self-eestem ? Tony I need your advice on that...

 

It may sound full of sh*t but everybody (my gf included) is always telling me that I am the most kind, understanding and compassionate person they know, like I said I was one of thoses nice guys (i'm still nice but with more confidence). In fact, i'd like to study in psychology...

 

Tony you were so damn right, sex is a taboo in her family. As an exemple, when she had her first period, her mother told her : "Heu...well.. You learned at school what it is?". They're great people (her parents) but they're just not confortable with sex. In constrat, at my home, we used to talk about vibrators while eating (my mother works in the health care industry and is very open-minded).

 

You were also right about her father not giving love, in fact he never said "I love you" to her, it was more like "get out of my way fat ass!". Before going any further, let me put this : she haven't been a martyr (her own words). Okay, she received a couple of kick in the ass or slap in the face but never never never been abused sexualy or badly injured. I come from an abusive family too, my mother is great person but my father is an mind torturing alcoolic. At 15, I was being menaced that if I don't do what he wants (nothing sexual) he will kill himself. That's usual business for me. He even kidnapped me when I was a child but that's another story...

 

I love her, Tony please tell me, what can I do beside waiting and saying "It's okay dear" ? Could you give me some hints and tips about helping someone gain self-eestem ?

 

Again, I can't say it too much, I badly expressed myself, it wasn't really upset about sex but more about her not taking her place and being easy to abuse and that's not what I want. To make sure that i'm getting understood this time i'll leave you on that quote :

 

"If you've truly found love, then give it a wing to fly, and if it choses to stay, then it was meant to be"

 

Now, tell me, how can I give her a wing ?

 

Thank you

 

(I'm still very sorry of my first post, it wasn't very eloquent)

[Tony T]

It is very noble of you to be so concerned about this girl's self-esteem...but it took a very long time for her father to push it to such a low point and unfortunately that happened during very formative years. Increasing her self esteem will take a great many years.

 

There is nothing you can do for the process except by being kind, generous and patient, which you say you are. Compliment her, tell her you love her, but don't overdo it. Make everything sincere, don't be fake about it.

 

Again, I am telling you this girl has been torn down and damaged so much emotionally that it will take her a long time to heal, but it can be done.

 

She is so used to giving in on everything because of her father, it was as if she was in a prison camp. In a prison camp, the captives are stripped of their self esteem and their very identity. They are made to feel almost inhuman. That's what has happened to this girl in her early family life, especially by her violent father.

 

I hope you understand that her evolution as a human being, her healing from the past, etc. is going to be up to her. If you don't have the patience, let her go. But just understand, she will eventually be an exceptional lady, having gone through all the pain and suffering she has sustained. But for now, she is extremely damaged with great emotional scars. It will just take a lot of time.

 

You sound like a really decent guy and you are probably just what she needs. I hope you can just have patience, be there for her...but don't overdo it.

 

Perhaps one day she will be able to afford psychological couselling to help her. If you happen to have a bookstore nearby, there are many books about children of dysfunctional families. Also books about codependence. Prepare to spend an afternoon at one of the bookstores and look through some of these. You will see why she is the way she is, what she has gone through, and the type of techniqus that will be useful to help her discover what it's like to be a fully functioning healthy human being.

 

Good luck!!!

[Somewhat Healed]

Thank you again Tony, the bookstore idea is a very bright one, I'll take note...

It is very noble of you to be so concerned about this girl's self-esteem...but it took a very long time for her father to push it to such a low point and unfortunately that happened during very formative years. Increasing her self esteem will take a great many years. There is nothing you can do for the process except by being kind, generous and patient, which you say you are. Compliment her, tell her you love her, but don't overdo it. Make everything sincere, don't be fake about it. Again, I am telling you this girl has been torn down and damaged so much emotionally that it will take her a long time to heal, but it can be done. She is so used to giving in on everything because of her father, it was as if she was in a prison camp. In a prison camp, the captives are stripped of their self esteem and their very identity. They are made to feel almost inhuman. That's what has happened to this girl in her early family life, especially by her violent father.

 

I hope you understand that her evolution as a human being, her healing from the past, etc. is going to be up to her. If you don't have the patience, let her go. But just understand, she will eventually be an exceptional lady, having gone through all the pain and suffering she has sustained. But for now, she is extremely damaged with great emotional scars. It will just take a lot of time. You sound like a really decent guy and you are probably just what she needs. I hope you can just have patience, be there for her...but don't overdo it. Perhaps one day she will be able to afford psychological couselling to help her. If you happen to have a bookstore nearby, there are many books about children of dysfunctional families. Also books about codependence. Prepare to spend an afternoon at one of the bookstores and look through some of these. You will see why she is the way she is, what she has gone through, and the type of techniqus that will be useful to help her discover what it's like to be a fully functioning healthy human being. Good luck!!!