craig841 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Possibly long but here it goes... A wonderful person has recently come into my life. She is my best friend's girlfriend who I met last year at university (alarm bells are ringing in every reader's head now). She was the one who suggested I go for counselling about my depressive state and emotional repression problems, due to her identifying signs of her own personal and far greater struggle with depression in me (she lost her father a few years ago, and also has visible self harm marks on her arms). The counselling experience has been an extremely positive one for me, and I think that it was an excellent decision as I now have enough information with which I can work to improve myself as a person. My relationship with her has become very close since then...we spend quite a bit of time together (often doing little), tell each other very personal things and I have opened up to her more than anyone else I can remember in the past few years. We never verbally established boundaries because...well, she's my best friend's girlfriend, and that's a boundary enough. She doesn't moan very much to me about him, and when she does she usually comments on a part of his character (his lack of immediate awareness about her emotions) that has bothered her. I remind her and she understands that I am not being dragged between them in these situations and that that is just the way he is, defending him as my friend. It was my counsellor, having heard me mention her a lot in my sessions, who asked the question 'Do you have feelings for her?' I had never even considered this up until that point, and it made me feel quite uneasy, especially when I answered along the lines of 'she is my best friend's girlfriend therefore off limits...I could never ever do that...and anyway our friendship is really strong' and got the fair reply 'that's not what I asked'. And yes, these thoughts on whether I have feelings for her have been circling in my mind for the past week, and I have dipped between yes and no. I know that it's unhealthy to suppress this issue and attempt to forget about it, but I know the consequences of getting involved in something like this, and here it can result in not the loss of one but two friends. I want to avoid this happening right now, especially considering these two are still quite early stages in a serious relationship, and am looking for your suggestions. Thank you in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Datura Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Sounds like the makings of an emotional affair. No longer getting together with this girl one on one and discussing personal things would be a good start. Link to post Share on other sites
fresh8 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I think you should try and stay away from her for a while to suppress your attachment to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 Sounds like the makings of an emotional affair. No longer getting together with this girl one on one and discussing personal things would be a good start. Eureka. It fits. Quite a scary thought actually. And fresh, simply staying away from her is kind of hard considering she lives around 20m from me and we see each other often inadvertently every day, but I take your point. Any agreement with Datura? Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 Ok time to bring this back up considering this past week. I had been spending less time with her on her own which I think has been good. Last week she sustained a concussion which gave her terrible headaches for days preventing her from sleeping, and combining this with a dissertation due in that she couldn't concentrate on stressed her out enormously. In an effort to finally get some rest, she took a few sleeping tablets and massively overdosed on paracetamol in a moment of madness. I found her 2 hours after she had taken them and immediately got her to hospital. She was fine after just over 24 hours and was discharged. I am absolutely sure that this wasn't a suicide attempt but the result of unbelievable frustration, and that's what she and the three of us who took her down to the hospital (me, her bf and a very good common friend of us all) told the psych nurse separately. I would not have told the nurse this if I didn't truly believe it. The problem is that all I wanted to say to her while I was sitting with her (we did shifts spending time with her) was 'I love you', as I felt it was the most appropriate way to describe my emotions at that time (it still is). I never did say that, but did just repeat how glad I was that she was still here. I also felt like I had reacted far stronger than her boyfriend to this. Maybe he hid it well I don't know what this 'love' is though. Is it just 'I care extremely deeply for you' or the addition of 'I want to spend my life with you etc etc'? I feel my loyalties to my friend would prevent me from ever considering the latter option with her (or atm figuring it out for myself), and even if they break up I would never take any action without first going to him. At this time she needs care and support from her closest friends, and although we are now apart for a few weeks I have to be in contact with her. Double edged sword of course. I need to sort things out in my own head too. As for her...all I've got from her about how she feels are thank yous and one text saying 'love you lots'. I think you'll agree this is a difficult spot, and any help would be appreciated. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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