LonelyRabbit Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Hi guys, No whining here. As the title says I have never had a girlfriend in my life. A part of me wants a girlfriend so badly,and another part of me has some fear of women. From the age of 14 to 20 I mostly avoided women. The usual causes are fear of being judged, or basically the feeling of being totally judged in the presence of a woman. Therefore I am unfortunately very uncomfortable around women, however I have been becoming better and better the recent years. When I was 21, I became sick of being a virgin so I went out and had sex with random women as one night stands or something casual. I met them online, and we met and had sex and usually it was with much older women than me. I don't regret anything but of course I understand that is not the correct way of getting a girlfriend. I have come to the belief that I did for the purpose of validation and acceptance, and I feel it has taken some of my fears away. Now I am able to hold an decent conversation with a women, and I get better and better. But here comes my problem. Every time a I go out with my friends to meet girls at clubs, bars or house parties I become extremely shy, and all these fears come back to me. I start comparing myself to my friends, who don't have any problems getting girls. I go home alone, feeling a failure and stay depressed for 2-3 days. I daydream three times every single day of having a girlfriend. I dream of romantic stuff, which may sound "gay" but I admit it. I dream of holding hands, kissing, cuddling and way out cheesy stuff such as making love in front of a bonfire. I know it's crazy corny cheesy stuff:laugh: These daydreams and depressions affects the rest of my life in a negative way. I can't focus on my school, my self and life in general. Should I make a commitment, and get a girlfriend no matter the costs and get over with it OR should I just forget women and try to focus on my school and more "serious" stuff since fear, daydreams and depressions bother me so much ????? Link to post Share on other sites
Datura Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Clubs, bars, and house parties with friends. That may be part of the problem. Those types of environments can be very intimidating. If you want to meet women, go without your friends, and to a more relaxed setting. Don't look it as a place to find a date, which would be a nice bonus, but rather an opportunity to approach women in order to gain experience. Even if you are at first comfortable with just a smile - that's a start. Work up to saying a casual "hello" or "how are you?" Consider joining a group activity at your school. Pursue an interest that will put you in the company of females who you can initiate a conversation with pertaining to your interest. Everyone gets judged, and those who judge without merit really aren't worth your time, so try to shrug them off. Had you a strong sense of self, the critical eyes of others wouldn't be much of a concern. Perhaps you should read up on cultivating self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Green_eyes Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Slow down Mate! You are only 23... It sounds to me that you might be trying a little too hard and that's why you aren't getting anywhere. Next time you go out, try treating the girls you meet like you would if they were guys - don't view every woman you meet as a potential partner. The first step is to become friends, and then that may develop into something else later. It can be hard - but try not to be too shy. They aren't going to bite your head off! By the way, there is absolutely nothing "gay" about: I dream of holding hands, kissing, cuddling and way out cheesy stuff such as making love in front of a bonfire. Sounds like perfectly normal relationship stuff to me (gay and straight)! However, I'm not sure about the bonfire - if you try that one, watch out for flying sparks Link to post Share on other sites
jean-luc sisko Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Be yourself, and you'll find somebody. Link to post Share on other sites
The Private Man Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Be yourself, and you'll find somebody. Worst. Advice. Ever. He has been being himself and just how is that working out for him? Let me guess, the next bit of advice you'll give is "be nice"? Thanks mom! Link to post Share on other sites
motherlover Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 wow... you my friend are a spitting image of what i was! i had to check the date this was written to make sure it wasn't an old post from me:p i had all the same problems you face plus more, such as depression, severe social anxiety around new group, it was so bad, taht i would stumble on my words when i would talk. many on here will give me **** for suggesting medication, i don't care.. i'm a firm believer that it works, and it doesn't make any different of a person, alot of ppl will say don't turn to medication, be a man, and deal with the situation.. it's not that easy. it's can be a chemical imbalance, that the medication will correct. Not saying you need to try, that is up to you, and your doctor if you feel this might be an option. you might just have some what low self-asteem, and your shy, which you may grow out of. but you know that feeling you get when you have a couple drinks, and you feel social, and dont care what people think about you?? well that's what meds do for me.. I'm on Paxil dor depression, but it has also helped quite a bit with social anxiety. and I'm on Adderal for ADD, but it actually helps cure my social anxiety, and female phobia 100% it's an amphetamine, which is an upper, it is letterally just puts me in a great mood.. just take my advice with a grain of salt. i'm just trying to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Ross PK Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Post deleted. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Be yourself, and you'll find somebody. Worst. Advice. Ever. Yes...and no... Be the best part of yourself. That is, you need to emphasize your strengths and attractive qualities while downplaying your weaknesses and less attractive qualities; all the while, work on improving those weaknesses. So yes, that means you need to identify and understand those qualities that women are attracted to and define yourself by those qualities. For example, you might only be 5'6", but you're an incredibly honest and loyal person. Do not think of yourself as a short guy. Instead, you should always think of yourself as an honest and loyal guy. You're still completely being yourself. That is, you're honest and loyal. That's all that matters. Those who say that "being yourself" is terrible advice only think that because they choose to define themselves solely through their negative or unattractive traits. Link to post Share on other sites
Ometeotl Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Maybe I can re-route your brain a bit. First things first, everyone can relate to you in one way or another. Its painful not have what you want, especially when the world around us and our body compel us for such a relationship. The thing about it is if you arent enjoying life as is, this is a concern! No matter what, you have to put yourself first. So ya, all those feelings, direct them towards yourself, have passion for you, and your life! Think of life as a game, you are the mainquest! Get really ****ing good at being you. Besides, that sorta stuff turnsa woman ON when you are bending life over and giving it all you got. I encourage you to encourage everyone around you! uplifting humanity is done with excellence. Start lifting them HEAVY weights! Link to post Share on other sites
nezbo Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) Bars and Nightclubs have never worked for me... at least for making any meaningful connection. The only hook-ups I've had in that scene have left me feeling dirty and confused/depressed. And the failed attempts at 'picking up' at clubs have also left me feeling disgusted with myself, so I have vowed to never try that again.. and I hope I stick to that. Some guys (the good quality guys - I believe) cant meet women this way because its all too fake, shallow & vain for them. What works for me is making connections with women as a friend through hobbies, friends of friends, music scenes, work. Take note of what type of women you connect with, where they hang out, and find a way to enter that 'scene' (e.g. for me, I'm into heavy metal music but there are not a lot of my type of women in the scene, I notice more of my type at indie, soft rock, acoustic gigs, so I may make a point of going to those kinds of gigs, either go by myself or making an effort to connect with guys or girls from that scene). Broaden your social horizons, talk to anyone, accept invitations to different and interesting things from different and interesting people. The more people you know... the more women you know. Make a connection with a woman as a friend first and foremost, that is going to be the foundation for any type of meaningful relationship. Even make connections with women with bf's, you never know when they are gonna break up (but dont actively wait for that) and create an opportunity, then you're already one step ahead because you already have some kind of bond established. women also have similar types of girl friends, so befriend an attached girl platonically and she may introduce you to a whole world of 'your type' of women. When you're interested in a a woman be patient, relaxed and dont come across as if you're 'looking for love' just that you are interested in her as a person. When you know each other well enough for her to feel comfortable and somewhat trust you, then maybe ask her out when the moment is right. They like to feel comfortable and dont like being 'chased' anything that develops should be mutual and natural. Thats my take on things anyway. May not work for everyone Edited March 27, 2011 by nezbo Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Girls are too much trouble. Get a cat. Link to post Share on other sites
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