So so angry!!!!!

[Omei]

I am so mad at my SO right now I don't think I have ever been this angry,

 

My SO is supposed to come down from 12th-20th and I have done everything I could to come up with the cash after only seeing him last in Jan. I will not get paid again till the 18th.

 

My SO's birthday was on the 5th and he got some money to come down with, he spent some of it drinking with his friend's on his birthday day.

 

But now he's going out tonight again to drink spending more of the money he was given.

 

Overall he's told me he has spent over 50$ drinking.

 

Now I am a single mother with a child only able to pick up temporary jobs when I can currently because its been hard to find a permanent job placement fitting my time schedule and living locations so I have been busting my ass to find cash. I bought the ticket now my pockets are empty.

 

We agreed that since I bought the ticket he would pay for expenses while he stay's but tonight I am majorly mad to find out he's going to go spend more of that money for his trip on getting drunk and partying, he tells me "it's my birthday" and I say "No, your birthday was on the 5th" then he continues to tell me why I should cut him a break because he's partying with his friends now because he wont get to on spring break. This to me is the stupidest of explanation's he hangs with the same people every night and party's time to time.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I feel walked all over, I busted my ass to be able to bring him here for spring break and he's spending the money "we" need to have till I get paid.

 

I so badly want to cancel this flight to teach him a lesson, I feel I normally put in most of the effort into bringing us together cash wise, I know he's working on getting his master's in psychology and he give's me whatever cash he can once he get's here but finding out he's partying chucks of it away makes my blood BOIL!!!!

 

Thanks for listening to my rant, I feel hurt.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

how much money does he need for his expenses, rough estimate?

can he come up with that money before the trip?

 

i understand your point but yeah it was also his birthday. if he does not do this a lot (spend a lot of money on drinking), then cut him some slack. plus canceling the flight is just a passive-aggressive approach to make things worse.

 

keep your cool, relax. ask him about those 2 questions before the trip and let him find a solution for it.

[Omei]

how much money does he need for his expenses, rough estimate?

can he come up with that money before the trip?

 

i understand your point but yeah it was also his birthday. if he does not do this a lot (spend a lot of money on drinking), then cut him some slack. plus canceling the flight is just a passive-aggressive approach to make things worse.

 

keep your cool, relax. ask him about those 2 questions before the trip and let him find a solution for it.

 

It was his birthday but as I said in post, on the 5th which he did drink and spend a little $ and I was all cool about it. Today is/was the 9th and NOT* his birthday and the trips certainly gonna cost ALL* of the 150$ he has left.

 

It's not a question about cutting him slack I think I already do cut him loads of slack paying most of the expenses majority of the time, what ticks me is how he wastes what little money he has and then will come here and I will pay more when he could of saved that cash, he leaves in 2 days there's no way he's going to replace the money he spent before then.

 

In my eye's he had his party, now realize the trip is coming up and save the money, I am not a magical money growing tree.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

it's his money, hunny. and it's his birthday. you can only control so much with your SO's life. on the other hand, you can choose also to save your money. if he is not as committed as you are, then maybe you need to tell him that.

[Omei]

it's his money, hunny. and it's his birthday.

Can you stop saying that? his birthday was on the 5th. Tonight was not his birthday.

 

You can choose also to save your money. if he is not as committed as you are, then maybe you need to tell him that.

 

I think you should re-read my post.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i know his birthday was on the 5th. geez...go cancel the ticket if that's what you wanna hear

[heartshaped]

It sounds like he's irresponsible with money and you are making up for it by spending money that you don't really have to spend. It also sounds like you aren't okay with spending the most money when it comes to visitation which I understand that completely because it sounds like you don't really have spare money for that expense.

 

Did the two of you ever agree on a certain amount that he'd give you to help out with the cost of the visit? I can see both sides of things, but I do feel he should have been more responsible with his money.

 

I wouldn't cancel his flight though. It would hurt both of you in the end. I would wait until you have calmed down and when he gets there I would definitely have a talk with him about how all of this made you feel, how inconsiderate it was, and the fact that you have very little money and when he wastes his money you don't really have the income to supplement it, not that it's your job to do so anyways.

[LittleTiger]

Omei, I think you have every right to be angry!

 

Your bf is being selfish and irresponsible. If he was supposed to be providing the spending money for the visit and he's spending it on something else for himself (it doesn't matter what it is) then he obviously thinks he is more important that you as a couple.

 

The birthday night out is one thing, but if he has to have another night out just because he has cash in his pocket that's very immature.

 

No, you're not being unreasonable - he is taking the p*ss and, if I was you, I'd be furious!

 

I don't think cancelling his flight is a good idea unless you're so mad that you don't want to see him. Perhaps you could say to him that you're considering cancelling it because you can't afford to 'keep' him while he's visiting. At least make him think twice about what he's done and what the consequences of his actions might be.

[Els]

I don't think cancelling his flight is a good idea unless you're so mad that you don't want to see him. Perhaps you could say to him that you're considering cancelling it because you can't afford to 'keep' him while he's visiting. At least make him think twice about what he's done and what the consequences of his actions might be.

 

I agree completely with this. I do think it is pretty poor form of him to spend money on luxuries while you are scrimping and saving to allow both of you to meet. Either he is taking your contributions for granted and thinks that you will always pay for meetings no matter what he does with your money, or he doesn't really care all that much about meeting. Hopefully stating the bolded will bring him to his senses a little - and if it doesn't, at least you know how much meetings mean to him (ie less than having drinks with his friends), and can make your future decisions accordingly.

[befreckled]

Correct me if I'm wrong but by him spending $50 and $150 with his friends, does that mean that he will not be able to keep his end of the bargain to pay for expenses?

 

I think we are all are responsible for how we decide to spend our $$, if it is a case of him spending $x amount with his friends and then having zero cash and mooching off you when you are there then hell to the no. That is quite a clear indication of priority in my opinion.

 

I think that finances should be separate regardless. Granted you have skimped and saved, you have made him a priority by going out of your means to see him. If he doesn't see that, then it's his loss? No?

[wild_urge]

Hey, I think that you have a reason to be angry, but not really, let me explain.

And to everyone, you only know he spent the money, that's all you know on his personality and you are making conclusions.

Now, I'll compare things with my situation, so far I have been the one that buys the tickets to visit him and I always have half or almost of the money that we are spending. But now that he's going to school, he really doesn't have that much time for anything else. Yes, I go to school too, but then I go home and my mother has done the laundry, she has cocked and everything, he has to do it himself. I the case that he's able to make so money, first of all, depending on the situation I don't see why it is so extremely bad that he'll spend 100$, that’s really not that much money and it happens once a year. My boyfriend, before he started school, he was also spending quite a lot of money, when I thought that he ought to save it. BUT, he was brought up in a different way, he always had the money and I have noticed that his mother also spend all the money we she has some and there's a period when there's less money, then again she gets a lot of cash and spends it all. I can't really blame him for that. Does he spend money on you when he has it ? For example, two years ago, my boyfriend was still living here, working a bit but just to cover expenses, he's mother would send him money for rent and so on my birthday, even if he never paid he's rent on time or had too much money, he went and bought me a 200$ iPod . . . I returned it to the store, because I just couldn't take it, he didn't want the money even if I tried to explain, that paying the bills is more important. He's just like that. Maybe your SO is in a way the same. It's not because he doesn't care to be with you, he just has a different attitude towards money and saving it, there are people like that, don't cancel the ticket, but talk to him when he visits you, tell him what you have been through to get the money. People are just different, we have to learn to tolerate that even if it seems inconsiderate of us, they aren't doing it on purpose necessarily. Good luck

[Omei]

Thanks for your reply's I have calmed down now, we had a talk...

For quite a while he couldn't seem to grasp why I was so angry and then he came back to me later apologizing for his selfishness im glad he realized it later than never, he said he was sorry because he knew I was counting on him to pay for expenses while he was here until I got paid again. (that was the deal)

 

Our trips are crazy tight for crash with him being in school and me only working small side jobs.

 

And yes I was so angry because spending over 50$ on one night of drinking is just bonkers in my eyes...To me that's a week's worth of grosheries if spent wisely, which I am positive we will need at some point.

 

I didn't cancel the flight but at the time I felt I wanted to, I wanted to feel strong and serious about not being taken for granted.

 

To heartshaped - I never know how much money he's going to get, but I know he get's very little I think he had about 200$ this time, and almost half of that is gone and the very little he gets I kinda expect him to save it for the trip. Our agreement is whatever little money he get's he will bring he has no job and the cash he was given for his birthday, was for the trip.

 

I feel better now, he comes in 2 day's and we've been rocky I have suggested on taking some space in those 2 days before he comes, we're always fighting lately, there are a lot of things about our relationship that have been grinding me down like the lack of privacy esp when we speak together, he sits in a computer room with his whole family and our private conversations become common knowledge for everyone, I feel like the distance is really taking its toll on me.

Edited March 10, 2011 by Omei

[folieadeux]

Hope you can enjoy your visit Omei. For what it's worth, I would be mad too because his behaviour is indicative of bigger things, but I'm glad you were able to sort things out before hand.

 

I remember you posting in another thread about him being younger than you. This may play a part too as far as maturity goes for some people, but I'm hoping he's realizing the error of his ways now.

[Omei]

Im scared about my visit, today ive felt an unbelievable hollowness with us as a couple, we used to play games and just sink into happiness with each other's company but over the last few month's a lot has changed.

 

We no longer play online games together, he go's out everynight with friends now and sometimes I get angry he doesn't give a night to me.

 

Im always angry and unhappy with something he's done in result, he tries to spend as much of our time together playing guitar and overall we only watch movies now with few word's spoken after, we've come down to the "What are you doing?" "Oh nothing" when we're on cam.

 

I think we're slowly ending and ive been hurting real bad.

 

So im really scared about this visit im scared it will be our last I fear it's gonna spring us up and then we'll go back to how it is now after a few weeks, it will only be a temporary solution.

 

I have told him how I felt many time's I feel he has lost his interest in making us work, because nothing changes, on both sides, mine and his. So many talks about it, I feel like there's nothing I can do.

 

Im scared this will be the last time I see him.

Edited March 11, 2011 by Omei

[hoping2heal]

I am so mad at my SO right now I don't think I have ever been this angry,

 

My SO is supposed to come down from 12th-20th and I have done everything I could to come up with the cash after only seeing him last in Jan. I will not get paid again till the 18th.

 

My SO's birthday was on the 5th and he got some money to come down with, he spent some of it drinking with his friend's on his birthday day.

 

But now he's going out tonight again to drink spending more of the money he was given.

 

Overall he's told me he has spent over 50$ drinking.

 

Now I am a single mother with a child only able to pick up temporary jobs when I can currently because its been hard to find a permanent job placement fitting my time schedule and living locations so I have been busting my ass to find cash. I bought the ticket now my pockets are empty.

 

We agreed that since I bought the ticket he would pay for expenses while he stay's but tonight I am majorly mad to find out he's going to go spend more of that money for his trip on getting drunk and partying, he tells me "it's my birthday" and I say "No, your birthday was on the 5th" then he continues to tell me why I should cut him a break because he's partying with his friends now because he wont get to on spring break. This to me is the stupidest of explanation's he hangs with the same people every night and party's time to time.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I feel walked all over, I busted my ass to be able to bring him here for spring break and he's spending the money "we" need to have till I get paid.

 

I so badly want to cancel this flight to teach him a lesson, I feel I normally put in most of the effort into bringing us together cash wise, I know he's working on getting his master's in psychology and he give's me whatever cash he can once he get's here but finding out he's partying chucks of it away makes my blood BOIL!!!!

 

Thanks for listening to my rant, I feel hurt.

 

I would be seeing red.

 

However, when was the last time he went drinking. Is he normally responsible and it is just this recently that he has been irresponsible. I mean, no one is perfect always but there is a difference between being selfish or irresponsible, thoughtless etc. some times and doing it all the time.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

Correct me if I'm wrong but by him spending $50 and $150 with his friends, does that mean that he will not be able to keep his end of the bargain to pay for expenses?

 

I think we are all are responsible for how we decide to spend our $$, if it is a case of him spending $x amount with his friends and then having zero cash and mooching off you when you are there then hell to the no. That is quite a clear indication of priority in my opinion.

 

I think that finances should be separate regardless. Granted you have skimped and saved, you have made him a priority by going out of your means to see him. If he doesn't see that, then it's his loss? No?

 

that's what i was asking.

 

i think OP is pissed off more to the fact that SO is spending time with his friends partying.

 

if you think your boyfriend is that irresponsible, then you should re-evaluate your relationship.

 

i just see a lot of thread here where OP is begging for a validation, like "yeah you have done the right thing," "yeah bf is irresponsible," but then breaking up is not an option as part of the solution. there are two sides of the story.

Edited March 11, 2011 by TokyoG33kyGal

[heartshaped]

We no longer play online games together, he go's out everynight with friends now and sometimes I get angry he doesn't give a night to me.

 

This may be a redundant question, but have you told him how you feel? Have you asked him if he could set aside a night for you? I wouldn't be happy if my SO went out every night with his friends either. It really doesn't have to be all or nothing. He could go out with them sometime and then a specific day or days of the week could be time for the two of you.

 

I have told him how I felt many time's I feel he has lost his interest in making us work, because nothing changes, on both sides, mine and his. So many talks about it, I feel like there's nothing I can do.

 

There's always something you can do. I think sometimes we all get so wrapped in words instead of actions. You can't make him change, but you can change the things that you are doing that you know are detrimental to your relationship. Joke around with him, ask him to play games online with you, make him smile, and feel good. You can't do his part, but you can do yours.

 

Im scared this will be the last time I see him.

 

I sincerely hope not because it does sound like you care an awful lot about him.

[Omei]

that's what i was asking.

 

i think OP is pissed off more to the fact that SO is spending time with his friends partying.

 

if you think your boyfriend is that irresponsible, then you should re-evaluate your relationship.

 

i just see a lot of thread here where OP is begging for a validation, like "yeah you have done the right thing," "yeah bf is irresponsible," but then breaking up is not an option as part of the solution. there are two sides of the story.

 

No, I was angry (no longer am) that he spent the money he should of saved it had nothing to do with him being with friends and everything to with the issue I first posted about, I don't feel that making a mistake in money is worth re-evaluating a whole relationship over.

 

Heartshaped - Yes he know's how I feel and he has made a day for me but that only happens after I ask him to, I guess it doesn't hurt to say "hey lets have tonight together!" But of course nothing beat's knowing he wants to do that without me asking, I have tried finding new games with him and other things we play chess now (I find it boring) im kinda out of idea's, Maybe we need something entirely new to change the pace.

[D-Lish]

Why don't you focus more on being social in your neck of the woods instead of relying on him to keep you entertained? You guys are in a LDR, so finding ways to keep yourself entertained when the two of you can't be together physically might help to keep your mind off the fact that you can't be together all the time.

 

Don't wait for him to come up with ideas to keep you entertained, find your own entertainment, spend some time with friends, get involved in an activity that makes you happy that you can call your own.

 

Try not to focus all your attention on living visit to visit. Find other avenues to keep yourself busy if he is speanding time with his friends. He's obviously young and in school, and he's making his frienships a priority while he's away- why can't you do the same thing?

 

If he's spending what little cash he has on going out drinking, and you're a single mom trying to make ends meet, it sounds like your priorities are completely different. You can't force a person to change their lifestyle in order to accomodate you if they are not willing- and his actions don't indicate that he is willing.

 

The two of you are obviously not on the same page- if you feel as if you are being taken for granted, you have the power to put a stop to that. Since you can't force him to do what you need him to do in order to be more responsible, it comes down to you to change what you are doing. Maybe that entails moving forward and choosing someone that is more in tune with your values and needs.

[2sunny]

no one can be taken advantage of - unless you ALLOW it.

 

don't buy him a ticket anymore... YOU need your money for you- and your family. he's not sitting there worried about paying for you - he's only thinking of himself. this is not a great quality in a spouse... and shows you may not be a good match. IF he really wanted to see you - HE would buy a ticket and get there by spending his own money.

 

start thinking of YOU first. you have your own things to take care of... don't give him another dime.

 

consider whether it may be best to end things with such a selfish and self centered guy.

 

you could find a man closer to your home who is giving and loving.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

No, I was angry (no longer am) that he spent the money he should of saved it had nothing to do with him being with friends and everything to with the issue I first posted about, I don't feel that making a mistake in money is worth re-evaluating a whole relationship over.

 

how long you two have been dating? and what is your agreement on handling your finances? why do you need to control his spending habits? this buying the ticket thing and canceling it, looks like an issue of control to me. you posted here begging the answer that your boyfriend is irresponsible. okay so people said he is irresponsible, and now what? you say that it was one mistake.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

We no longer play online games together, he go's out everynight with friends now and sometimes I get angry he doesn't give a night to me.

 

Im always angry and unhappy with something he's done in result, he tries to spend as much of our time together playing guitar and overall we only watch movies now with few word's spoken after, we've come down to the "What are you doing?" "Oh nothing" when we're on cam.

 

see this. why don't you spend your next $50 on yourself instead of focusing on your boyfriend's spending habits just because he is having fun with his friends. i see two selfish people here.

[blue123]

i feel for ya and i understand! money should be spent more wisely also the distance is what makes everything 2 million times harder..i have been in an ldr for 6 years...horrible!! good luck!!

[Els]

see this. why don't you spend your next $50 on yourself instead of focusing on your boyfriend's spending habits just because he is having fun with his friends. i see two selfish people here.

 

Why do you keep insisting she's pissed because she secretly doesn't want him having fun with his friends??? She already SAID she is going to have to pay for both of their expenditures when he is here because of his actions. Yes, she could refuse to do so (and thus the visit wouldn't happen), and she is unhappy about the lack of online contact, but that doesn't automatically mean she is resenting him spending the money BECAUSE he is having fun with his friends - they are two separate issues. Are you some sort of clairvoyant, that you can know what is going on in the OP's mind better than the OP herself?

 

OP, as for your online contact, I find that happens with prolonged long distance for me. It usually gets better after a visit though. I would just stop thinking about it and see what happens after the visit.

[Omei]

Why do you keep insisting she's pissed because she secretly doesn't want him having fun with his friends??? She already SAID she is going to have to pay for both of their expenditures when he is here because of his actions. Yes, she could refuse to do so (and thus the visit wouldn't happen), and she is unhappy about the lack of online contact, but that doesn't automatically mean she is resenting him spending the money BECAUSE he is having fun with his friends - they are two separate issues. Are you some sort of clairvoyant, that you can know what is going on in the OP's mind better than the OP herself?

 

OP, as for your online contact, I find that happens with prolonged long distance for me. It usually gets better after a visit though. I would just stop thinking about it and see what happens after the visit.

 

Thank you exactly, yes I have no problem with my SO being with his friends it had everything to do with the money issue. Anyway please no further comment's about maybe this isn't a good match its not that huge of an issue to re-think all the years I have spent with the guy, he goofed, he has paid well for his share in past visit's, I was just upset about this 1 occurrence.

 

He realized where he went wrong, and has apologized this problem we had doesn't evaluate his entire being and personality.

 

Elswyth you may be right about the prolonged distance we're getting through our 3rd year now, visit's month's apart, there's still another 2-3 year's to get passed, we get along very well and we're still very much in love, there's no lack of contact but more of a lack of communication during contact, tonight we downloaded a new game I convinced him to play with me we had a great time it's been a while since we played a game together and it made us talk a bunch

Edited March 11, 2011 by Omei