is she cheating?

[hank]

My wife has a friend that I feel pretty uneasy about. We have been having trouble for about six months. at one point we were really on our way to improving our marriage then things kinda went down hill.

 

She got a new client about a year ago. A guy she talked about all the time and not haveing an office of his own he hung out at her office all the time and she works late all the time. When

he did get an office it was across the street. He has been helping us look for real estate for an investment and at one point she told me that she had been out with him looking at property

in the evenings while I thought she was at her office working. But she did tell me about it

without me asking. Now she has been on medical leave because she had gastric bypass surgery which I never encourged her to get but she was determined while she was on leave

he called her all the time.

 

I was talking to her about this guy one day and said if I felt threatened enough by this I felt like I had a right to talk to this guy who is himself married about staying away from her.

She blew up and said if I ever said anything to him she would divorce me because he brought so much money into the company and our pockets. The next time I argued with her about this

she said he brought in about $1100.00 per month to the company I laughted and said I could

make up for that easy. she continued to argue with me and refuse to see my point

 

as I said for a while we were really improving our marrige our sex life was better than newly weds then all of a sudden she started to get disinterested in sex now I feel when we have sex it's just a chore for her or she just doesn't want to. She does not want to get divorced

but have things continue the way they are she stands to lose alot if we did split.

 

I am confused and hurt by this. We started to see a counseler and the counseler said she works to much. Sould I worry about this or am I making more of it than there really is.

Today is her first day back to work and she's working late again. I heard he tell him on the phone yesterday that she would be there today.

 

Thanks

[Fedup&givingup]

I think this looks bad

 

She is putting this man over her you, her husband. She's using his financial contributions to the company as an excuse.

 

You said that your sex life was on fire, then diminished...that's a sign all by itself.

 

Like you, I've got lots of signs and "evidence" of something going on, but let me tell you this...my husband and I also went to a marriage counsellor, and she was NOT worth a damn. I went in there telling her that I suspected my husband was a cheater, and he put on a show! He said that there was absolutely nothing wrong in our marriage, that he just worshipped me-now come on! That couldn't even be right in and of itself. He just said that as a lame cover, and maybe it's true...who the hell else would put up with what I have?

 

My point about those "marriage counsellors" is I feel that if you are married to someone who is having an affair that won't admit to having an affair, the counsellor will find ANY and EVERY excuse to dodge the cheating. Face it, they make their living off of marriages. Lots of people will just dissolve a marriage because of cheating. No need to come back to that counsellor again. It's their business.

 

Sure your wife "works too much", but I don't think she's working. Your counsellor is another poor excuse for a therapist robbing hurting people of their money.

 

I know of a way you could check to see if your wife is possibly cheating without hiring a detective. They've got kits that can detect semen...these kits are VERY accurate and reliable. It all depends on what type of birth control you and she use. If you use condoms, and she's not on the pill, then it would be hard to detect with her.

[hank]

thank you for the input maybe I'm not as crazy I she would like me to believe. that kit sounds

like somthing that would work she uses an IUD I will do a web search for it or do you know

who sells it?

 

Thanks again

[Fedup&givingup]

I would be glad to tell you what it is, but first I am wondering if I am allowed to post it on here....oh, MODS, for where art thou be????

 

Seriously, I don't know if I'm allowed to "solicit" that

[Fedup&givingup]

http://www.evergreenindustries.com

[NotaBadGUy]

Hank,

 

This doesn't sound good to me. There seems to be something a little fishy going on here. I recognize several of the signs that were displayed by my EW similar to those your wife is displaying. The working late routine is a bit of a stretch in my mind especially if they are just mere "friends" or "business aquaintances." It might be her way to cover herself if she freely discloses certain aspects of what is going on to sort of put your mind at ease. You will probbaly get the truth in those instances, but not the whole truth.

 

And then for your wife to protect this guy over yourself, not good. My wife did the same thing. In my case, I did not seserve to even meet this guy or even talk to him based on her reasoning. And she also protected him over myself. But the whole time, he was "just a friend." In my opinion, I do not see you have a smoking gun in this situation. However, I do believe you need to keep your eyes open and to trust your instincts. Mine led me right to what I needed to know. But at the same time, you always have to be prepared to see something you never imagined you would. Good luck! Fedup will also give you good advice, so listen to her.

[hank]

." It might be her way to cover herself if she freely discloses certain aspects of what is going on to sort of put your mind at ease"

 

I thought about that and that maybe she was afraid I would find out some other way and catch her sneaking around.

 

while she was on medical leave for 4 weeks she did stay at home the whole time and stayed

another week even after her doctor told her she could go back to work. she was only gone once for a while and went where she said she was going I have been checking up on her.

 

So she really has me confused.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by hank

." It might be her way to cover herself if she freely discloses certain aspects of what is going on to sort of put your mind at ease"

 

I thought about that and that maybe she was afraid I would find out some other way and catch her sneaking around.

 

while she was on medical leave for 4 weeks she did stay at home the whole time and stayed

another week even after her doctor told her she could go back to work. she was only gone once for a while and went where she said she was going I have been checking up on her.

 

So she really has me confused.

 

I don't know too much about the kind of surgery she had (but it sounds painful, especially to be laid up that long afterwards), she probably couldn't do too much sexually. At this point, this affair could just be in the making. Nothing physical may have happened at this point. Is it possible that she was in touch with him via phone/e-mail while she was home and not at work?

 

Here are some things to check.

 

1. Cell phone

 

2. Purse- although at this point, having this guy's phone number would be a no brainer, you've met him, and she's in no way a secret

 

3. E-mail

 

4. Get the semen detection kit

 

It's very gut wrenching to have to even go through with looking for things like this. It scares you out of your tree at what you might find; you want to know because deep down you feel that you do know, so you want that confirmation, but on the other hand, a big part of you wants to look the other way. It's VERY, VERY painful. With all these things happening, I would want to know. The fact that she's carrying on as a "friend" with another man isn't good. I feel that the most innocent friendships of this sort can become a major threat to a marriage.

 

Thank you, NotABadGuy! I give good advice on this subject because it's happened to me. I think one day I can write my own book about this stuff. I have had off beat tell tale signs. One thing you might start to assess, is her behaviour pattern with you. Make a note of days that she is edgy, irritable, or argumentative.

 

I've gotten information about how to actually set your partner up to go to their lover and then you can catch them. My problem is that I don't suspect my husband ever really had an on going affair with anyone, just a multitude of flings.

 

Good luck to you!!! I will watch for your posts!

[magda]

You might drop by the office to thoughtfully bring her dinner some night. If they're together and the situation is casual you could take the opportunity to get to know him since they are so close. If he's such a close friend, perhaps he should be friends of both of you. See how he reacts, how she reacts - be completely casual about the whole thing. Just a suggestion... she does exhibit a number of signs that could indicate an affair with this man.

 

What were you doing differently, as a couple, when the marraige was improving? I advise against accusing her of cheating or bringing it up again unless you're sure. Cheating usually happens because an important element is missing in the relationship, either physical, or in the case of most women, emotional. If you're even suspecting, regardless of whether it's true, this should indicate that the communication & intimacy between you two needs improvement. Clearly you're aware of this, but what are you doing to improve it? What is she doing? What should you both be doing? It'd be wise to discuss those things with her - again, without mention of your suspicions unless they are confirmed.

[hank]

Thank you all for the support.

Wheather shes cheating or not I think I have lost my mind from all this.

I have posted here before and acually there has been alot more signs of cheating than just these few things I mention. She has showed me time and time again that her feelings for me are not that strong. and she told me that up untill the time we started to work on our marriage

she didn't love me.

 

The reason we started to work on our marriage was because she canceled a family trip and went to a bar with her girl friend and stayed out very late. she called and ask me to pick her up

because she was to drunk to drive when I got there she was almost to drunk to walk.

she said she had to go back into the bar to here one more song as she walk back in she caressed the arm of one of the guys she had been standing outside smoking with when I pulled up. when she got in the van she said honey we airated tonight when her girl friend in the back seat heard this she started screaming TRACY SHUT UP SHUP UP SHUT UP so I could not here what she was saying. when I got home I ask her about the people she was with and

she said in a very mean way who cares they where just people.

 

So I really started to try and put our marriage back together and she was trying to. the sex was great we were doing great then it slowed now it has stopped. if I don't make the first move sex does not happen and even if I do it doenst most of the time. So anyhow it will be easy to not have sex with her and test for semen. or I may just go and see a lawer anyhow

I never did anything just sat here and take care of her and the kids held her hand the whole time she was in the hospital. I have always been there for her. I can just tell that what she sayes about her feelings for me and what she shows about her feelings for me are not the same.

 

If she is cheating on me the depth of her lieing is amazing.

[hank]

Fedup i think you are right.

 

Counselor meeting No. 2

Counselor hears about this guy and the threat to divorce over him and raises a brow as she looks at my wife then tells me I need to try and think about other things.

 

After two weeks and a few arguements my wife now says she was just mad when she said that she would divorce me if I talked to him because our personal life and her business life are two different things.

 

but anyhow I will find out.

 

Thanks

[PrivatePilot]

Hey Buddy, I hate to make judgements but CLEARLY your wife is

 

1. Unstabe - threatening divorce b/c your legitmate concerns??

 

2. Hiding something - there's no way she'd be this defensive if she weren't a) trying to protect the other guy or b) is with him

 

To an extent I hear where she's coming about you approaching the guy, I think you should demand her to be straight up with you, or ELSE you go and confront him.

 

Maybe talk to her coworkers perhaps they may sense something going between them or can confirm her position (you never know)

 

Although her unbelievably defensive reaction to your claims is suspicious, she very well could be very insulted that you would even think that she is capable of such treachury and is hurt by your assertions. I don't think so, but you never know.

 

She can't just play the work vs. personal life card on you, b/c the second her work interferes with your personal life, they become one and the same and she needs to realize that.

 

Amazing that she chooses to make heavyhanded threats as opposed to listening to your concerns and availing herself to alleviate your claims....sounds shady. But good luck.

 

If this continues, hire a PI, or have a coworker of hers make some observations

 

 

"There are no aethiests in a turbulent airplane"