Sexual compatibility issues

[Mme. Chaucer]

As I often mention in my posts, I am in a very loving, respectful, mutually supportive and fun relationship. He is going to be 60 this year. We've been together for almost 2 years.

 

We have a problem with sexual compatibility.

 

When we have sex, I love it. He is far more sexually conservative than I am, but the feelings of intimacy, love, and mutual caring are very intense and I am fine with functioning within his comfort zone, that way.

 

The problem is with his low libido, how he deals with it and the effect it's having on me and our relationship.

 

When we first got together, I was feeling well mended after the terrible and damaging demise of my marriage. I'd been single for 3 years and had come to a point of being fine with being on my own for the rest of my life. I didn't even miss sex at all - truly did not care whether I ever had sex again, and really could not imagine doing so. I don't really have a great deal of sexual feelings myself ... until I am connected in a deep way with an individual. Then I am very sexual. So, when he and I got together, the floodgates were opened, as it were. Hah. I felt like having sex every day, more than one time per day, in every room in the house and outside too, etc. He travels all the time for work, so I would get all wound up about the lustfest we'd have when he came home ...

 

Which didn't happen. He rarely expresses interest in sex, and in me sexually, at all. He seemed to enjoy it one time per week, specifically on Saturday nights (never initiated by him), until he had a total hip replacement in January. The "time off" from that combined with all the physical discomfort, understandably put him into an even more non-sexual state.

 

I have talked to him about all of this over the time we've been together. About a year ago, the situation began effecting my self esteem badly. Having a man in my life who was not responding to me sexually was making me feel rejected and unattractive. I am over 50 myself, and I do look good but definitely not in my 20's or 30's (or 40's!!) anymore. My vanity is a weakness, and I am not always overjoyed about the effects of getting older on my physical being. To be honest, I do seek external validation for my attractiveness from my partner.

 

I expressed all of this to him last Spring and he was very apologetic and lovingly promised me he would do something about it.

 

Well ... almost a year has passed, and things have not improved. Now, in addition to my problems with feeling unattractive, I am developing a feeling of resentment because he knows how I feel and what I would really love, yet he does not move at all in that direction.

 

When we talk about it, he is extremely apologetic and he feels terrible. He says that he just does not have sexual feelings, for the most part. He equates sex with his past intense involvement with sports - when he stopped feeling like he was very good at it, he just let it go. I feel angry that he knows that I do have sexual feelings for him, a lot, but since he doesn't, he just doesn't go there. I think it's selfish ... and on the other hand, I really am not interested in obligation sex. I am interested in having a mutually fulfilling and satisfying sexual aspect to this relationship.

 

Recently we had another big talk about it, and he went to the doctor this week. He was tested for testosterone levels. They talked about stuff like Viagra. Since he does not (ever) initiate sex because it does not occur to him, I doubt he'll be inspired to pop a pill.

 

My real issue, and the reason I am posting this, is MY reaction to all of this. I am getting weary of it all, and feel myself withdrawing from him so my feelings won't be hurt by the combo of feeling undesired and getting mad at him for being self centered about this. Sex and love are really bound up for me. BUT, I am very happy with our relationship in every other aspect. Our companionship is extremely good.

 

Since we are "old" ... and sex does not always last a lifetime ... I wonder if I should find a way to just get over my own wishes and desires where it's concerned? And, to get over feeling anything at all personally about the way he responds to me; basically, to forget about my own sexuality within a relationship. If I were young, I really think this could be a deal breaker. We're not, though. We have love, fun, a lot of mutual help (I live on a big farm and he helps me immensely). It do NOT want it to be a deal breaker, and it won't unless my negative feelings drive a damaging wedge between us.

 

Just for the record, since it's always brought up, there is NO porn, no affairs, etc. He was divorced for about 10 years when we got together and his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated badly at the end of their marriage; I believe it was mostly due to the marital strife. But, he was already shutting down then.

 

Any input - especially from the older set - would be very appreciated.

[carhill]

In a typical week, how much quality 'us' time would you say you and he spend? This is time totally focused on each other without distractions. As an example, my exW and I would walk a couple miles three times a week in the mornings; it's real peaceful out here in the country and we were able to talk about 'us' and be with each other physically.

 

From your OP, it sounds like you and he have excellent intimacy, so he's very responsive in the area of non-sexual affection, empathy and care, which you find very satisfying. Would you agree with that characterization?

 

Does he have a personality and/or job where it is hard for him to 'shut his brain off' and just be in the moment? The largest sexual organ is the brain. As an example, when I was caregiving, I was so overwhelmed that it was very difficult to 'shut it off' and respond to/initiate sex with my exW. I had to force myself to do it. This had nothing to do with her, rather my own overload. A man with a high-stress career can face similar issues.

 

There are other physical issues which can lower libido and/or 'sexual thoughts'. The brain is a big chemical factory, so I hope his GP checked for a myriad of things beyond testosterone. Doctors know this stuff. Also, is he getting sufficient sleep? I noticed, when caregiving and not getting healthy sleep, that my morning testosterone rise and resultant erections disappeared. Once I started getting healthy sleep again, things went back to 'normal'.

 

Lastly, IMO, what went on in his last marriage should not impact your R in any meaningful way. If it still rules him, as evidenced by your 'explanation', perhaps he should get some professional help for that. I dealt with some of my own issues in MC as part of our joint therapy and can share that it helped me immensely. I wanted things to be better, as they were in the shyter. With the proper tools and the will, they did get better.

 

Hope that helps

[Mme. Chaucer]

Thank you, Carhill. I always respect your take on things.

 

In a typical week, how much quality 'us' time would you say you and he spend? This is time totally focused on each other without distractions.

 

Really a lot, if he is home. Every day we spend "quality us time." We enjoy lots of conversation, we like to see movies and discuss them, and we can lay in bed and talk and laugh like crazy ... at least when I'm not feeling butthurt towards him about the sex issue. Which is happening more frequently.

 

From your OP, it sounds like you and he have excellent intimacy, so he's very responsive in the area of non-sexual affection, empathy and care, which you find very satisfying. Would you agree with that characterization?

 

Yes, very much so. He is extremely cuddly. Sadly, though, I am starting to pull back myself in that department. If we are snuggling in bed, and I begin to feel sexual, and soon he is snoring ... I might feel negative about that. Lately I have been keeping my physical distance from him in bed. Part of this is because I have some anger about all this.

 

Does he have a personality and/or job where it is hard for him to 'shut his brain off' and just be in the moment?

Not the job - he's a truck driver. It's stressful while he is doing it, but when he's not, he's not. His personality is another matter. He has that quality of "hyper-focus" that comes with ADHD people sometimes. Whatever he is doing or thinking, it completely has him. And, whatever he is NOT doing or thinking ... pretty much does not exist. Like, in this case, sex.

 

 

There are other physical issues which can lower libido and/or 'sexual thoughts'. The brain is a big chemical factory, so I hope his GP checked for a myriad of things beyond testosterone. Doctors know this stuff.

 

Yes, I think they are covering a lot of territory. The doctor also mentioned low serotonin levels as a possible factor and that if the testosterone came back normal, they might try Wellbutrin. I have doubts about that. S (my boyfriend) is not depressed at all, and personally I had a terrible experience with that drug.

 

He's a smoker, too. He is in the process of quitting with a drug called Chantix that can have frightening side effects, so I hope the doctor does not start trying any "brain drugs" until that is over.

 

I know that smoking, too, can effect libido too ... but smoking or serotonin don't effect a person caring about their partner's feelings regarding a sensitive issue like sex, right?

 

He gets good sleep.

 

 

Lastly, IMO, what went on in his last marriage should not impact your R in any meaningful way.

 

I agree, and I don't think that it is impacting ours. I think maybe he shut down sexually because he didn't want to be intimate with her ... and it that his libido was going down at that stage anyway, for whatever reason. So, he just started living, pretty comfortably, with little sex.

 

Also, just for the record - talking about this, or doing anything at all about it, is extremely uncomfortable and even painful for him. I am very glad that he went to the doctor, but if the first answer is not the right answer, I don't expect S to push forward to find the right one. I think I am going to have to learn how to get over my hopes for a good sex life with him without withdrawing or feeling neglected, rejected, pissy, etc. or else not be in this otherwise lovely relationship. I choose the former, but I don't know how.

Edited March 10, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer

[carhill]

'Honey, when we talk about this issue of our different sexual drives and desire for sex, do you feel that I hear you and accept how you feel?'

 

What MC taught me was how to approach challenges as a team effort, rather than me in my corner and exW in hers; how reaching out for middle ground didn't diminish the value and validity of my perspective and position on the issues. It also taught me to respect and validate her perspective as her truth, rather than feeling that my differing perspective was 'right' or 'wrong'.

 

Extrapolating, right now, being a sixty year old man quitting smoking and working a physically demanding job, your partner is seeking his truth, which right now doesn't include significant sexual interest in you. He apparently expresses remorse over this disparity between your and his perspectives on this, and is taking some steps to work through it. My advice would be to set some boundaries with regards to steps and timelines for him to resolve the other issues (not the sex) and continue to support him on that path and periodically be proactive about showing attraction and desire and accepting the results as valid, cognizant of your timeline for improvement.

 

Some of this is difficult for me to understand since I'm wired to be sexual from intimacy and can't disconnect those two dynamics but he evidently can be very intimate without feeling anything sexual. Ask him about that in a neutral way...

 

'Honey, I really feel valued and loved when you are intimate with me and this intimacy moves me to desire you in such a sexual manner that I can barely contain myself. Can you share how our intimacy makes you feel? I really want to understand this. I think we can find some middle ground here. What do you think?'

[WorldIsYours]

As I often mention in my posts, I am in a very loving, respectful, mutually supportive and fun relationship. He is going to be 60 this year. We've been together for almost 2 years.

 

We have a problem with sexual compatibility.

 

When we have sex, I love it. He is far more sexually conservative than I am, but the feelings of intimacy, love, and mutual caring are very intense and I am fine with functioning within his comfort zone, that way.

 

The problem is with his low libido, how he deals with it and the effect it's having on me and our relationship.

 

When we first got together, I was feeling well mended after the terrible and damaging demise of my marriage. I'd been single for 3 years and had come to a point of being fine with being on my own for the rest of my life. I didn't even miss sex at all - truly did not care whether I ever had sex again, and really could not imagine doing so. I don't really have a great deal of sexual feelings myself ... until I am connected in a deep way with an individual. Then I am very sexual. So, when he and I got together, the floodgates were opened, as it were. Hah. I felt like having sex every day, more than one time per day, in every room in the house and outside too, etc. He travels all the time for work, so I would get all wound up about the lustfest we'd have when he came home ...

 

Which didn't happen. He rarely expresses interest in sex, and in me sexually, at all. He seemed to enjoy it one time per week, specifically on Saturday nights (never initiated by him), until he had a total hip replacement in January. The "time off" from that combined with all the physical discomfort, understandably put him into an even more non-sexual state.

 

I have talked to him about all of this over the time we've been together. About a year ago, the situation began effecting my self esteem badly. Having a man in my life who was not responding to me sexually was making me feel rejected and unattractive. I am over 50 myself, and I do look good but definitely not in my 20's or 30's (or 40's!!) anymore. My vanity is a weakness, and I am not always overjoyed about the effects of getting older on my physical being. To be honest, I do seek external validation for my attractiveness from my partner.

 

I expressed all of this to him last Spring and he was very apologetic and lovingly promised me he would do something about it.

 

Well ... almost a year has passed, and things have not improved. Now, in addition to my problems with feeling unattractive, I am developing a feeling of resentment because he knows how I feel and what I would really love, yet he does not move at all in that direction.

 

When we talk about it, he is extremely apologetic and he feels terrible. He says that he just does not have sexual feelings, for the most part. He equates sex with his past intense involvement with sports - when he stopped feeling like he was very good at it, he just let it go. I feel angry that he knows that I do have sexual feelings for him, a lot, but since he doesn't, he just doesn't go there. I think it's selfish ... and on the other hand, I really am not interested in obligation sex. I am interested in having a mutually fulfilling and satisfying sexual aspect to this relationship.

 

Recently we had another big talk about it, and he went to the doctor this week. He was tested for testosterone levels. They talked about stuff like Viagra. Since he does not (ever) initiate sex because it does not occur to him, I doubt he'll be inspired to pop a pill.

 

My real issue, and the reason I am posting this, is MY reaction to all of this. I am getting weary of it all, and feel myself withdrawing from him so my feelings won't be hurt by the combo of feeling undesired and getting mad at him for being self centered about this. Sex and love are really bound up for me. BUT, I am very happy with our relationship in every other aspect. Our companionship is extremely good.

 

Since we are "old" ... and sex does not always last a lifetime ... I wonder if I should find a way to just get over my own wishes and desires where it's concerned? And, to get over feeling anything at all personally about the way he responds to me; basically, to forget about my own sexuality within a relationship. If I were young, I really think this could be a deal breaker. We're not, though. We have love, fun, a lot of mutual help (I live on a big farm and he helps me immensely). It do NOT want it to be a deal breaker, and it won't unless my negative feelings drive a damaging wedge between us.

 

Just for the record, since it's always brought up, there is NO porn, no affairs, etc. He was divorced for about 10 years when we got together and his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated badly at the end of their marriage; I believe it was mostly due to the marital strife. But, he was already shutting down then.

 

Any input - especially from the older set - would be very appreciated.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not an old man but from what you posted, it sounds like he's depressed. Maybe because of his dissolved marriage? And the fact that he's pushing 60 may also have a natural affect on his sex drive. Maybe he should go to some counseling.

[LittleTiger]

I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation Mme.C. I can relate to what you're feeling, though I'm not sure I can offer any words of wisdom. My relationship with my exH was similar to what you describe. We were great friends, we were affectionate with one another and we hugged and cuddled a lot. However the sex was almost non-existent and it definitely affected how I felt about myself and eventually how I felt about him too.

 

I don't think there's any shame in needing some validation from our partner regarding our sexual attractiveness. If we choose someone as our sexual partner and they apparently reject the sexual side of us, it is inevitable that we will feel some sense of 'not being wanted'. As a 'middle-aged' woman I think this feeling is particularly difficult to deal with as we are only too well aware of our youth disappearing. Our partner's reassurance that we are still desirable to them becomes all the more important.

 

Provided you're not using your partner to validate everything about yourself which, from what I know of you, I doubt that you are, I think your need for validation as a sexually attractive woman is perfectly normal. It's not possible to validate sexual attractiveness except through others.

 

You say that you choose your (sexless) relationship above your desire for sex - are you sure? The reason I ask is because your feelings and behaviour suggests otherwise. You are already growing resentful because you feel your partner doesn't desire you.

 

There were a number of reasons my own marriage eventually ended but one of the major factors was our sex life - or lack of it - and my reaction to it. My exH didn't seem to want me sexually, at least not very often, and when he did I felt it was mostly about him. For me, sex is an important part of a relationship and I started to feel unloved (despite the other ways in which we connected). The more unloved and undesirable I felt, the more I resented him. The more I resented him, the angrier I got. The angrier I got, the more he backed away. The more he backed away, the more unloved I felt. There was more to it of course but you understand what I'm saying. He eventually left me for someone else.

 

I don't know if it's possible for you to reconcile yourself to spending the rest of your life with a companion who doesn't seem to need sexual intimacy with you. I know it wasn't possible for me. On the plus side, at least your partner is talking about it and trying to get help, and his lack of interest in sex seems to be more about something physical or emotional in himself than it is about you.

 

I'm just guessing but I think perhaps you will eventually need to make a decision. As you say, if he is making promises to change but not following through, then how much does he really care about your feelings on this? Maybe he does care but he doesn't understand how important sex is for you in a relationship.

 

The difficulty you also have is that, if you accept your relationship as a non-sexual one, you are giving him the message that this is ok. Deep down it clearly isn't ok for you and, as I'm sure you know, such a dynamic does not lead to a happy relationship in the long term.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Thanks, you guys.

 

For today, at least, things are looking up. Last night he made a very positive approach! I liked it, a lot! And I am giving him lots of positive reinforcement. I'll leave it at that.

 

Whether he is going to hold onto the idea that his sexual interest in me and how he expresses it is very important to me remains to be seen. In my experience with him, though, when he gets something through his head he does not let it go. I'm trusting that this will be the case. I do trust that he loves me and our life together and that he finally got the seriousness of this issue. Blood test results will come soon as well.

 

I will keep you posted.

 

Let's send all the good thoughts we can towards Japan.

[sedona]

I read these posts with great interest because your situation sounds similar to mine, except for I know that I can't live with my BF without sex. This is your posting, so I won't go into any details, but I understand the pulling away. it's your defense mechanism combined with the hope that he'll (finally) reach for you.

 

Not having sex with the man I love and am attracted to would kill something in me, and I will not do that to myself. As long as he's getting help and is open with me about the problem, then I'll put up with this and support him--after all, I do love him and he loves me.

 

At some point, I'm afraid that I'll have to choose between this "us" and myself. I will choose myself. I don't want it to come to that. It will make me incredibly sad. But so would the alternative.

[rom828]

You have a real need and he should find ways to help you fulfill it. If he can't perform because of a bad hip, I assume he has lips and fingers that can stimulate you. Marriage partners need to fulfill each others needs in and out of the bedroom. If one spouse needs demonstrations of love by a home cooked meal or someone to talk to destress after a hard day then the spouse should try and meet that need to the best of their capability. They may not do it perfectly but can try----effort and attitude are important. He is denying you on an ongoing basis and there appears to not be a good effort nor attitude. The relationship does not have to end because of no sex but if the coversations are not honest and he is removing himself emotionally as well then your boyfriend may not be the one for you

[Mme. Chaucer]

Marriage partners need to fulfill each others needs in and out of the bedroom. If one spouse needs demonstrations of love by a home cooked meal or someone to talk to destress after a hard day then the spouse should try and meet that need to the best of their capability. They may not do it perfectly but can try----effort and attitude are important. He is denying you on an ongoing basis and there appears to not be a good effort nor attitude.

 

Yes, that was the pivotal issue - that he was not stepping up to meet me in that specific department. Sex aside, I was getting angry with him for knowing of a need or desire I had that was inexorably entwined in our relationship (as opposed to needs I am responsible for getting met on my own) and just ignoring it, for whatever reason.

 

Honestly, this man is capable of believing with all his soul that if he senses that I am unhappy, no matter why, he can make it better by, say, clearing out the woods for 12 hours on a tractor, bad hip and all. Or, by buying all the ingredients for "taco night" and preparing them. While I'm stewing in my own juices, as it were, from feeling sexually neglected and undesirable to my man.

 

Actually, it's partly endearing.

 

Around the same day I posted here, I had reached a critical point with all of this and I talked about it in possibly even harsh terms. Maybe that is what it took to get through to him, because he did make a huge effort.

 

I hope he sticks with it. I do love him.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Mme. Chaucer, I admire the fact that you are already 2 years with this guy.

 

I would have been out of this relationship a long time ago.

 

OK, this man is 60 and the libido and the equipment might not be was it was before. But it sounds like this man simply does not want to work on having a more satisfying sex life. Sex is a habit, something which needs maintenance. Like you, I am pretty asexual when I am not in a relationship but very sexual when I am in it. I am single right now and could therefore think "Why bother?". But I do a conscious effort to keep my sensuality and sexuality alive by taking good care of myself, dressing in a sexy way, having a massage (non-sexual), reading books about sex. All to make sure I am ready when the right man comes along.

 

Your guy does not even stop smoking and smoking has a negative impact on erection quality.

 

Unless he makes a conscious effort to give sexuality a place in your relationship things will not improve and you will become more and more frustrated.

 

You need to tell this guy that you will leave the relationship if he does not become a sexual partner. All this intimacy and cuddling sounds like an attempt to manipulate you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Mme. Chaucer, I admire the fact that you are already 2 years with this guy.

 

I would have been out of this relationship a long time ago.

 

OK, this man is 60 and the libido and the equipment might not be was it was before. But it sounds like this man simply does not want to work on having a more satisfying sex life. Sex is a habit, something which needs maintenance. Like you, I am pretty asexual when I am not in a relationship but very sexual when I am in it. I am single right now and could therefore think "Why bother?". But I do a conscious effort to keep my sensuality and sexuality alive by taking good care of myself, dressing in a sexy way, having a massage (non-sexual), reading books about sex. All to make sure I am ready when the right man comes along.

 

Your guy does not even stop smoking and smoking has a negative impact on erection quality.

 

In his defense, he is quitting smoking right now. It's tough, and I'm not really expecting a sexual renaissance while he is in the midst of this.

 

Unless he makes a conscious effort to give sexuality a place in your relationship things will not improve and you will become more and more frustrated.

 

This could very well be true; I hope not. As I posted recently, he has made a good effort lately, despite the anti-smoking drug & stress around that.

 

You need to tell this guy that you will leave the relationship if he does not become a sexual partner. All this intimacy and cuddling sounds like an attempt to manipulate you.

 

You've lost me on just this last part. I am not ready to give that ultimatum.

I SO rarely find a person that I love to be with, and whose life works with mine. There are a lot of positives in our relationship. In fact, at the age of 50+ I must say that this is the healthiest, most reciprocal, caring, comfortable, respectful, hilarious, doting relationship I have experienced.

 

If the sex aspect does not really get better, I would really hope to find a way to avoid having that be a deal breaker ... but that may not be possible. The way I feel about it - neglected and rejected - are more problematic than the actual dearth of the deed.

 

And, I need to say that he is in no way manipulative, at all. He is really a cuddly person. He's a cute and darling old fart! And he's outside right now, feeding the farm animals in a deluge, while I sit here screwing off on the computer. I better get off my butt!

[carhill]

Hey, if you feel loved, you're golden, even with his 'imperfections'.

[betterdeal]

Hypnotherapy did wonders for my libido, attitude to sex, and erections.

[TakeMeasIam]

When a man goes off sex, it's possibly his age, testosterone levels, prostate problems, possible depression and smoking.

When a woman goes off sex, she's frigid, hormonal, unbalanced and manipulative.

 

Even in celibacy, there's inequality....

 

Way to go.