Found out my girlfriend cheated. Should I confront the OM?

[hurtbroken]

Hi,

 

I recently confirmed that my girlfriend has been having an affair with a former co-worker. I had always suspected it, and confronted her about it late last year. She said that she slept with the co-worker once back in 2006 and regretted it, but that he kept contacting her by phone, email and IM and that she would respond because she liked the attention and because she felt badly about using him. She claims, however, that the relationship remained non-physical after the one time they slept together in 2006.

 

When I heard the story I was very skeptical, and so earlier this year I hacked into her email and found emails and transcripts of IM conversations she had been having with this man. At several times she said that them sleeping together was a mistake and that she regretted it. He also complained that she wasn't taking his calls and wondered why she insisted in communicating by email, text and IM.

 

The emails and transcripts end abruptly at the end of 2008. In the last conversation I found, he asks her to lunch and she agrees to meet him. However, he complains that she has said that several times in the past and then bailed out.

 

When I confronted my girlfriend about the affair she said that she did not meet with him in 2008 or after. She said they continued to communicate occasionally, mainly sending greetings to each other around holidays and so on. She also said that he contacted her when his mother died in 2009 and again when his child was born (he's married) in summer 2010. She said he had been in contact with her all through his wife's pregnancy. She said she tried to break off communication last year and asked him around Thanksgiving not to contact her anymore. She said that he has not contacted her since. I don't buy this.

 

As I tried to get to the bottom of things, I was told a number of conflicting stories. At each telling a new detail would emerge or one would change. At the end of it all, I didn't know what to believe, and I'm finding it very hard to trust my girlfriend. I'm particularly wary when she says that they only had sex one time. In one of the transcripts, the guy referred to her getting into his bed several times. She said he was referring to the evening they spent together in which they had sex multiple times. I also don't know if she met with him after 2007, although my gut tells me that they did.

 

Since I have hard evidence and know who the other man is, I was thinking of confronting him and offering him a choice: either tell me what happened or I will turn over all the stuff I have to his wife and mail it to his Facebook friends, basically ruin his life. I feel that this is the only way I'm going to be able to corroborate what my girlfriend is saying.

 

Do you all think this is a good idea? What other advice would you offer?

 

Thanks for your help.

[Datura]

Why do you care to go through all that effort for a cheater and a liar? Will finding out the truth - which you won't know if he's telling it anyway - make you sleep better at night?

 

Break up with your girlfriend and steer clear of drama that you will not only have to endure, but possibly this man's innocent wife who may rather remain ignorant to her husband's infidelity than deal with the truth.

[2sunny]

it's not worth rehashing what version of the truth she MIGHT give you now.

 

you obviously don't believe her - why would you - you cant! she has shown EVIDENCE she is untrustworthy. trust IS earned.

 

break up knowing full well that she's a liar and a cheat... it's that simple... she ruined any chance for things to be good when she did what she did - then kept her truth from you. she will do it again - given the chance to cheat THEN cover it up like it never happened. that's not enough for a healthy relationship...

 

 

and no, don't confront the OM or his W... confront your GF - SHE is the one that cheated... sheez, she didn't even WANT to give her truth when you knew her truth. throw her out.

[EM47]

"I'm finding it very hard to trust my girlfriend."

 

break up with the cheating scum.

[hurtbroken]

Why do you care to go through all that effort for a cheater and a liar? Will finding out the truth - which you won't know if he's telling it anyway - make you sleep better at night?

 

Break up with your girlfriend and steer clear of drama that you will not only have to endure, but possibly this man's innocent wife who may rather remain ignorant to her husband's infidelity than deal with the truth.

 

 

Thanks Datura... I've thought the same thing, but I have this strong desire to know what happened. I can't explain it. Essentially, I just need a couple things clarified: whether they had sex multiple times over one evening as my girlfriend claims, or whether the sex went on for an extended period; whether they met after 2008 and whether they have in fact stopped communicating.

 

Also, I feel like the man's wife deserves to know the type of slimeball she's dealing with and that he needs to experience some turmoil in his life to compensate for the hurt and pain I've felt since finding out about this.

[Imajerk17]

Break it off and move on. When you have to conduct investigations like these to get to the bottom of things, the relationship is broken beyond repair.

[race_engine]

as everyone before me has said...DUMP THAT HOE! sorry man, it's true though, you cannot let yourself stay with a woman like that if you have any balls hanging lol. i wouldn't bring the other guy into it, him and his wife are none of your business and my guess is that he will dealt with at his own time. the universe has a way of making everything equal, call it karma if you want, but he will get his when his time comes. all you need to worry about is getting rid of that selfish bitch you're dating...she'll never change. and she probably had sex with him wayyyyy more than once, so you can't trust someone like that.

[jnj express]

Hey HB---- you should tell the other guy's wife---so she knows what a scumbag she has for a H., and can make an informed decision about the rest of her life

 

Aside from that your beef is with your GF/XGF----she is the one you have the relationship with---she is the one cheating on you

 

You don't need to say one word to scumbag other guy---just tell his wife---and do what ever you will with your GF/XGF

[justsam]

Dude, just let her go. She keeps on lying to you at every juncture in your relationship. How can you go on trusting someone like that?

[WorldIsYours]

You got some really good advice man.

 

Only kick OM's arse if he confronts you. For now if you want you can tell his wife he's been sticking his bone in another hole.

 

And dump your girl. She cheated on you and has lied to you multiple times. That girl is trouble and is not someone you want to marry. This experience will help you think twice about people and see through their lies. She sounds like a sociopathic serial cheater.

 

You got a big fish and it's poisonous. Drop it back into the water where it belongs.

[Wolfhound]

Yeah, talk to the OM, then decide whether to inform his wife or not. Get as much info from him as you can to help put together an idea of what all happened. It's been nearly 15 years since I had a relationship end over cheating (with multiple men, even her daughters boyfriend of all things) and although the pain and hatred is long gone I still wish I knew more about what all actually happened, you'll be glad I think in the long run.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Datura... I've thought the same thing, but I have this strong desire to know what happened. I can't explain it. Essentially, I just need a couple things clarified: whether they had sex multiple times over one evening as my girlfriend claims, or whether the sex went on for an extended period; whether they met after 2008 and whether they have in fact stopped communicating.

 

Also, I feel like the man's wife deserves to know the type of slimeball she's dealing with and that he needs to experience some turmoil in his life to compensate for the hurt and pain I've felt since finding out about this.

 

What makes you think he's going to tell you the truth? Bottomline is, they both lied, both cheated. Her to you and him to his wife.

[hurtbroken]

What makes you think he's going to tell you the truth? Bottomline is, they both lied, both cheated. Her to you and him to his wife.

 

Honestly, I don't expect him to tell me the truth. However, I anticipate that he'll give me his version of events, which I can use to either corroborate my GF's story or disprove it.

 

If he was a single man, I would not be bothering with this. But being a married man who recently had a child, he may want to avoid a possible scandal and may come clean on some things.

[hurtbroken]

Yeah, talk to the OM, then decide whether to inform his wife or not. Get as much info from him as you can to help put together an idea of what all happened. It's been nearly 15 years since I had a relationship end over cheating (with multiple men, even her daughters boyfriend of all things) and although the pain and hatred is long gone I still wish I knew more about what all actually happened, you'll be glad I think in the long run.

 

Thanks, Wolfhound...

[PegNosePete]

being a married man who recently had a child, he may want to avoid a possible scandal and may come clean on some things.

Being a married man who recently had a child, he will likely lie until he is blue in the face to avoid a possible scandal.

[purplepanda]

If he tells you what happened, just be cautious to what you believe: because he's obviously a liar.

 

Then move on. It's not your job to tell his wife. In time, she will find out. And sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

[Chi townD]

If you find out that it was one time or multiple times. What does it really change?