Want to wait till marriage for sex, but like a guy who does not believe that way.

March 11, 2011

Okay, so I'm 26 and I have this really awesome friend. A guy friend. The best and only guy friend I've ever had and I'm 26!! I had one really good guy friend in high school, but this guy has him beat.

He talks to me all the time, but only online. When I first met him, we texted each other for hours on end, all day and all night etc.

He's 22, so he's a bit younger than me.

In the first few months, he had invited me over to his house to drink and play video games with him in his room, alone, without his mom knowing I was there. I was skeptical to the idea, but it was the first time he was inviting me to hang out with him, so I went. Nothing happened and I'm glad it didn't.

Now, before I go any further, because I have a feeling this is gonna get pretty long...I should say, that this guy has already friend zoned me and I have a feeling I know why.

We have different morals and different stances on life at this point in time. He's being a typical, average guy who is just out for sex and that's all he cares about. He says he believes in God, but dropped the Christian part of it because of some reason like not being able to grasp the free will concept.

He still continues to talk to me all the time and a couple nights ago started to ask me some very bold, inappropriate questions.

I feel like he is lying when he says he doesn't "like/like" me, but I feel like he is trying to get me to loosen up and be more of a "bad" girl, who will jump at the chance he gives me almost constantly when he says stuff like, "I need to get laid".

I have a lot of morals when it comes to stuff like that and I usually say something sarcastic like, "if you had a girlfriend, you might get that" and he comes back with, "you don't need a girlfriend, if you're attracted to each other, it can just be sex as long as you both agree that it's just sex."

I don't agree with this line of thinking, being a Christian, I know that sex leads to spiritual "ghosts" and feelings and heartache and attachment and I'm already smitten by this guy and I do not want to go there with him.

So, I think he's annoyed with me, because every time he brings up something sexual, I don't take the bait and continue to remind him that I'm looking for a meaningful relationship and that then and ONLY then MAYBE sex can come into play.

I know this all sounds like a huge turn off to men, especially men in their 20's, but I don't know what else to say. I'm being honest with him (and myself). I want a committed relationship. I have high standards and high values for my life, and for my heart, more importantly.

I have no idea why I even like this guy, seeing as we're both looking for two entirely different things, other than the fact that I'm incredibly attracted to him. Other than that, when I think about him I get this huge smile on my face and he makes me incredibly nervous and shy and stuff when I'm around him in person. All butterfly-like.

It's just that...I'm wanting him to grow up, basically. I want him to have the morals I have and realize this road he's trying to go down (which doesn't seem to be working for him, by the way) is all wrong.

He's trying to be this tough, hard, edgy guy and act like a player and I just have this feeling in my gut that he's not. He reminds me of me when I was younger. I used to try to be really edgy and act like I don't care and tried to make Christianity out to be something it's not and tried to act like church was the worst place to be and the older I get, the less and less I like that and the more and more wrong I see that I was and the more and more I long for a loving, spiritual relationship with someone.

The only problem. I literally have no other male friends. The ones I have don't talk to me, except random posts on fb and the ones that have been interested in me, I'm not interested in back.

I'm just sooo in love with my friend, but he's so not looking for the same things I'm looking for. When he's not bringing sex into the conversations, we have really good, meaningful conversation, but then occasionally he starts acting like a normal 22 year old male and starts talking just plain stupid.

What do I do to get over my friend? the ONLY friend I have?

Currently, I'm fine and happy being single, but I'll never forget him, even if I do "get over" him in the mean time. He's a constant reminder of what I can't have. Like I said, he friend zoned me, not the other way around.

I just don't know what to do to get over this. I feel like I'm going to be a 100 year old virgin, or that by the time I find a guy, I won't care about him as much as this guy, or by the time I find a guy, I'll be 50 and won't be able to have kids anymore, etc...I also want a family.

I feel like my life is doomed, like I'll never get over him. I'm so...attached. I've never felt this way about any guy before. What's even worse, I feel like, for some silly reason, he is "the one" and that he will one day grow up and I just need to wait for him and that's exactly what I'm doing. Every other guy seems like chopped liver compared to him.

I need to get over this, but I don't know how. It's like, I'd rather be alone than be with anyone else and I don't want to be alone. But I don't want anyone else right now, either.

What do I do? Wait? Just be single for now and accept that? I mean, there's no telling what will happen in the future or who I will meet, I know that, I just can't see that far ahead right now. I see no light at the end of the tunnel for me. At least as far as relationships go.

I just want this to work out.

March 11, 2011

So a 26 year old virgin whose intent on waiting till marriage because of her religious beliefs.

IMO the waiting till marriage thing was fine in the bible days when you'd get married at 16.

Why are you waiting? Please don't tell me it's because it's fear of "spiritual ghosts." God is not going to punish you for fornicating.

March 11, 2011

So a 26 year old virgin whose intent on waiting till marriage because of her religious beliefs.

IMO the waiting till marriage thing was fine in the bible days when you'd get married at 16.

Why are you waiting? Please don't tell me it's because it's fear of "spiritual ghosts." God is not going to punish you for fornicating.

Not spiritual ghosts in that sense...

meaning, I don't believe people can have sex with each other without getting attached. You remember every person you sleep with and it's just healthier to wait till marriage. Sex is a very visual, intense thing that should only be shared with your husband. It has nothing to do with age.

really kind of insulted by your post.

March 11, 2011

and you also didn't respond to the problem at hand. This isn't a post designed to attack my religious and/or personal choices. This is a post about my crush that I can't get over.

March 11, 2011

DreamerGirl27, the reason you are even in this situation is because of your religious and/or personal choices.

My goal is not to attack you, but to make you think.

It seems the only things you know about sex are what you have been told.

March 11, 2011

Time to get more friends, DreamerGirl. This guy's not looking for the same thing you are.

Don't have casual sex if it's against your morals. It's never worth it to bend on this issue.

Move on.

March 11, 2011

Not spiritual ghosts in that sense...

meaning, I don't believe people can have sex with each other without getting attached.

Yeah it is very possible.

But I will say that its not at all likely for GIRL on her FIRST time.

If you want to wait for love - by all means do that.

But you do recognize that this guy doesn't understand that - you will find someone that will be ok with you being a virgin, he will likely have your same views, and hopefully you 2 can have a good long R then you can have sex with him.

You remember every person you sleep with and it's just healthier to wait till marriage.

Hehe, I remember their names and how it was - only the special ones (that I had feelings for) stand out - its not like it haunts you - honestly.

Sex is a very visual, intense thing that should only be shared with your husband. It has nothing to do with age.

Yes, for a girl on her first time, sex is intense and it should be special and it should be done with someone you trust and love - IMO, that has nothing to do with being married - I didn't wait till marriage, I waited till love.

I kinda understand where you're coming from, and so I do encourage you to follow your instincts and do what you feel is comfortable for you...

BUT...at the same time, try not to view sex as this "thing" that's going to kill you - that's going to destroy your life if done outside of marriage.

Also, be aware that most guys your age just don't see it that way - sure, there will be some that do, but the ones that view it a lot more casually than you will out number the few.

As for this guy - yeah he wants it, and because you're making it so difficult to attain, he probably wants it even more - but if you're not comfortable with it - don't do it.

Try to meet others within your church or christian circle (that certainly doesn't guarantee morals that match yours), but you could find someone there - ya never know

March 11, 2011

Let's get technical. During orgasm, oxytocin is released. This is commonly known as the "love hormone" since it causes bonding within individuals who don't have the single or duplicate gene variant allele 334 ("cheating gene").

Add in how you view sex from a moral perspective, where your psyche has tied love, sex and commitment into one bundle.

Now put this all together and you'll find a recipe for disaster if you engage in casual sex with someone you're already bonding to through friendship and romantic feelings, where he appears to be looking for fun.

This will not end well.

March 11, 2011

Yeah it is very possible.
But I will say that its not at all likely for GIRL on her FIRST time.
If you want to wait for love - by all means do that.
But you do recognize that this guy doesn't understand that - you will find someone that will be ok with you being a virgin, he will likely have your same views, and hopefully you 2 can have a good long R then you can have sex with him.

Hehe, I remember their names and how it was - only the special ones (that I had feelings for) stand out - its not like it haunts you - honestly.

Yes, for a girl on her first time, sex is intense and it should be special and it should be done with someone you trust and love - IMO, that has nothing to do with being married - I didn't wait till marriage, I waited till love.

I kinda understand where you're coming from, and so I do encourage you to follow your instincts and do what you feel is comfortable for you...

BUT...at the same time, try not to view sex as this "thing" that's going to kill you - that's going to destroy your life if done outside of marriage.

Also, be aware that most guys your age just don't see it that way - sure, there will be some that do, but the ones that view it a lot more casually than you will out number the few.

As for this guy - yeah he wants it, and because you're making it so difficult to attain, he probably wants it even more - but if you're not comfortable with it - don't do it.

Try to meet others within your church or christian circle (that certainly doesn't guarantee morals that match yours), but you could find someone there - ya never know

What does being a girl have to do with it? I'm still human, regardless of my gender, I still get attached. In fact, a girl on her first time probably will get more attached than a guy, because a guy is usually more willing to "bang and leave" and because all us girls think about is getting married some day. All of my girlfriends and I do anyway. When there is a guy around we like, we already have him walkin' down the aisle in our minds. Most, if not all of my girlfriends just want boyfriends that will eventually turn into husbands some day. It's completely innocent, until you throw the male factor and sex factor in there. lol

Boys are trouble.

March 11, 2011

You already sinned by thinking about sex with a non-Christian. Go confess .

Like others said...why not look for a guy within the church? Why obsess over someone you can't have? One of you's going to have to make a sacrifice but it looks like that won't be happening anytime soon.

March 11, 2011

You already sinned by thinking about sex with a non-Christian. Go confess .

Like others said...why not look for a guy within the church? Why obsess over someone you can't have? One of you's going to have to make a sacrifice but it looks like that won't be happening anytime soon.

It's purely physical. There's nobody I'm attracted to at my church. I tend to be attracted to what's typically the "bad boy" type.

and I'm not even positive I'm waiting till marriage, I just no that casual sex is out of the question for me.

March 11, 2011

It's purely physical. There's nobody I'm attracted to at my church. I tend to be attracted to what's typically the "bad boy" type.

and I'm not even positive I'm waiting till marriage, I just no that casual sex is out of the question for me.

know*

P.S. you don't confess at Christian church, that's catholic church

March 15, 2011

I don't agree with this line of thinking, being a Christian, I know that sex leads to spiritual "ghosts" and feelings and heartache and attachment and I'm already smitten by this guy and I do not want to go there with him

Hi DreamerGirl,

Couldyou explain please about sex leading to spiritual "ghosts'? I don't understand that. I am a Christian too and yes I believe it's important to wait until marriage (or commitment) to have sex, and for it to be a special and wonderful experience between a couple, and yes you're right that sex does lead to feelings and attachment (especially for women I think) and that yes it does profound heartbreak if there's a breakup.

So, I think he's annoyed with me, because every time he brings up something sexual, I don't take the bait and continue to remind him that I'm looking for a meaningful relationship and that then and ONLY then MAYBE sex can come into play.

Good for you, and by the way, there are people who aren't Christians who are looking for meaningful relationships as well.

I know this all sounds like a huge turn off to men, especially men in their 20's, but I don't know what else to say. I'm being honest with him (and myself). I want a committed relationship. I have high standards and high values for my life, and for my heart, more importantly.

Again, there are people who aren't Christians who have high standards and values for their lives, their hearts, and their relationships too, and want committed relationships.

I have no idea why I even like this guy, seeing as we're both looking for two entirely different things, other than the fact that I'm incredibly attracted to him. Other than that, when I think about him I get this huge smile on my face and he makes me incredibly nervous and shy and stuff when I'm around him in person. All butterfly-like.

You're infatuated.

It's just that...I'm wanting him to grow up, basically. I want him to have the morals I have and realize this road he's trying to go down (which doesn't seem to be working for him, by the way) is all wrong.

You can't force anybody to believe or even want what you do, so it is best just to walk away.

I am sorry, i'm sure that's not the advice you'd like to hear, but yes you can't make him think he's doing wrong and gotta change. That's his decision what he believes and wants.

He's trying to be this tough, hard, edgy guy and act like a player and I just have this feeling in my gut that he's not. He reminds me of me when I was younger. I used to try to be really edgy and act like I don't care and tried to make Christianity out to be something it's not and tried to act like church was the worst place to be and the older I get, the less and less I like that and the more and more wrong I see that I was and the more and more I long for a loving, spiritual relationship with someone.

The only problem. I literally have no other male friends. The ones I have don't talk to me, except random posts on fb and the ones that have been interested in me, I'm not interested in back.

I'm just sooo in love with my friend, but he's so not looking for the same things I'm looking for. When he's not bringing sex into the conversations, we have really good, meaningful conversation, but then occasionally he starts acting like a normal 22 year old male and starts talking just plain stupid.

Sweetie, it's obvious that he has a lot of things right now that you don't appreciate about it. This is another reason to walk away.

What do I do to get over my friend? the ONLY friend I have?

Make new friends!

And look for friends who believe like you... they are out there! You just have to search sometimes.

Currently, I'm fine and happy being single, but I'll never forget him, even if I do "get over" him in the mean time. He's a constant reminder of what I can't have. Like I said, he friend zoned me, not the other way around.

I just don't know what to do to get over this. I feel like I'm going to be a 100 year old virgin, or that by the time I find a guy, I won't care about him as much as this guy, or by the time I find a guy, I'll be 50 and won't be able to have kids anymore, etc...I also want a family.

I feel like my life is doomed, like I'll never get over him. I'm so...attached. I've never felt this way about any guy before. What's even worse, I feel like, for some silly reason, he is "the one" and that he will one day grow up and I just need to wait for him and that's exactly what I'm doing. Every other guy seems like chopped liver compared to him.

I need to get over this, but I don't know how. It's like, I'd rather be alone than be with anyone else and I don't want to be alone. But I don't want anyone else right now, either.

What do I do? Wait? Just be single for now and accept that? I mean, there's no telling what will happen in the future or who I will meet, I know that, I just can't see that far ahead right now. I see no light at the end of the tunnel for me. At least as far as relationships go.

I just want this to work out.

Ok... I have some questions, and I hope I don't offend you any.

Are you working out?

Are you eating healthy?

Are you taking good care of your appearance?

Are you dressing nicely?

Are you studying?

Are you working?

Are you helping people?

If you are not doing all the above, then I suggest it's a good idea to make sure to do all the above, and very possibly, before you know it, a man who is more mature and believes more similar to you will show up.

March 15, 2011

I wouldn't bother taking this any further. No point.

It wouldn't have so been so bad if he was after some level of attachment because he loves being with you.. or something - but really he just wants to screw you to try out his current lifestyle choice. Some can only commit to this level for a time, some for all of their lives. Don't devote yourself to figuring this out. It is his choice.

I would find something else to do. If you are curious about sex, buy a vibrator. At the end of the day, most boys are a waste of time, especially those who lay it all out to tempt you like this. Just be his friend. He may soon appreciate you more once he jumps onto the roller coaster of sex without love.

My kids believe as you do (not strictly no sex before marriage though because that is not culturally relevant were I live) and I am mightily impressed with their choice of partners. They have chosen people who believe in commitment and are faithful. A few tears have been shed as they left behind their first choices, which all seemed pretty similar in that the other person wanted sex without commitment. I think some people are just wired like that. It's a case of figuring out how you would feel about yourself if you did the same.

Wish I could show you pics of them all. They are shockingly well matched!

Once they made up their minds what they wanted, I don't know, different doors opened as they looked to new interests. I don't think there is a formula to such decisions to make it work out.

Who knows if their relationships will last.. but they are real relationships none the less.

Take care,

Eve x

Edited March 15, 2011 by Eve

March 16, 2011

Hi DreamerGirl,

Couldyou explain please about sex leading to spiritual "ghosts'? I don't understand that. I am a Christian too and yes I believe it's important to wait until marriage (or commitment) to have sex, and for it to be a special and wonderful experience between a couple, and yes you're right that sex does lead to feelings and attachment (especially for women I think) and that yes it does profound heartbreak if there's a breakup.

I don't know how else to explain it, I heard it at church once and I believe it. Sex is a very visual thing and you remember that person for the rest of your life. I don't want 18 different guys in the back of my mind when I find the one I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life.

Good for you, and by the way, there are people who aren't Christians who are looking for meaningful relationships as well.

That's basically what I'm looking for, but it's like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.

Again, there are people who aren't Christians who have high standards and values for their lives, their hearts, and their relationships too, and want committed relationships.

You're infatuated.

You can't force anybody to believe or even want what you do, so it is best just to walk away. I am sorry, i'm sure that's not the advice you'd like to hear, but yes you can't make him think he's doing wrong and gotta change. That's his decision what he believes and wants.

Sweetie, it's obvious that he has a lot of things right now that you don't appreciate about it. This is another reason to walk away.

Make new friends! And look for friends who believe like you... they are out there! You just have to search sometimes.
Ok... I have some questions, and I hope I don't offend you any.

Are you working out? Occasionally

Are you eating healthy? All the time

Are you taking good care of your appearance? I'm very vain

Are you dressing nicely? I dress like a rocker a good majority of the time because I am a rocker and want a rocker. Occasionally, I'll put on something nice and feminine and pretty, but I just don't feel like me when i I do that. I <3 my style.

Are you studying? I'm in school right now. That's where I met this guy.

Are you working? No, have my reasons for that.

Are you helping people? I don't know what you mean by that

If you are not doing all the above, then I suggest it's a good idea to make sure to do all the above, and very possibly, before you know it, a man who is more mature and believes more similar to you will show up.

He is very young and I've actually taken a different stance than the last time I posted. I don't want a relationship currently, but I also don't want casual sex. Basically, I don't want anything. I wanna just live my life the way it is. Currently, there is no guy that I'm interested in that's interested in me back, so eff it. I don't care.

I'm happy, basically. I'm happy alone.

I'm going to continue being this guy's friend and see where it leads in the future. If nowhere, so be it. If somewhere, so be it.

Right now, I'm too young for a serious committed relationship, but I'm not a guy, so I also don't want sex without that. I just don't want anything having to do with boys right now. I wanna be me and have fun doing the things that I think are fun. If one comes along that I'm interested in, that's interested in me back, that is willing to date me and be serious, then I'll welcome it, but I honestly don't care if that happens any time in the near future. I'm having too much fun being me without any attachments right now.

March 16, 2011

He is very young and I've actually taken a different stance than the last time I posted. I don't want a relationship currently, but I also don't want casual sex. Basically, I don't want anything. I wanna just live my life the way it is. Currently, there is no guy that I'm interested in that's interested in me back, so eff it. I don't care.

I'm happy, basically. I'm happy alone.

I'm going to continue being this guy's friend and see where it leads in the future. If nowhere, so be it. If somewhere, so be it.

Right now, I'm too young for a serious committed relationship, but I'm not a guy, so I also don't want sex without that. I just don't want anything having to do with boys right now. I wanna be me and have fun doing the things that I think are fun. If one comes along that I'm interested in, that's interested in me back, that is willing to date me and be serious, then I'll welcome it, but I honestly don't care if that happens any time in the near future. I'm having too much fun being me without any attachments right now.

To answer your original question, the only way to get over this guy is to stop communicating with him entirely, and forget about him. Hes not your "friend" he is a suitor. Thats how you see him, so you have to stop calling him your friend, when you know hes not your friend - and you know he doesnt care about being your friend. he wants sex and only sex. He tells you so all the time. That means he does not see you as relationship material. He wont see you as relationship material for a number of years, so to hang on to him will be your loss only. You dont want a heavy relationship with a 22 year old anyway, he wants to play the field. If you keep lusting after him, he will distract you from seeing the qualities you need to see in the good guys that might come into your life.

Youre not getting any younger, and if you keep going for the "bad boy" types while a virgin, you will keep going with this until youre in your mid 30's, and by that time, no guy who wants a family will want to deal with a 30 year old virgin. You will never sleep with the bad boys, so hopefully you will stop waiting for them. I understand you are bending on the sex til marriage concept, and you are looking for love, but you wont see love in any other guy while you are looking at this guy. Move on, and cut him off for your own good and future.

March 16, 2011

Um, I'm kinda waiting till my 30's anyway. Why wouldn't a guy want to deal with a girl in her 30's? That's really shallow IMHO. I don't believe guys think that way, either.

March 16, 2011

I have made up my mind, I'm going to continue to be his friend. That is all both of us are looking for at this point in time out of each other.

March 16, 2011

Um, I'm kinda waiting till my 30's anyway. Why wouldn't a guy want to deal with a girl in her 30's? That's really shallow IMHO. I don't believe guys think that way, either.

A guy that deals with women in their 30's dont want to deal with a virgin in her 30's. Its not shallow, its what men prefer. Women with experience. Its the same as you not wanting guys in the christian groups because you want bad boys. Is that shallow?

March 16, 2011

I have read some of your responses to other people in some of the other threads. You have no idea what you're talking about.

March 16, 2011

Stick to your principals dreamer girl...........nothing wrong with that.

Now as for that guy, you want him to be something he is NOT, so quit wasting your time on him. Be his friend but lose the possible BF thoughts. This is a big mistake that women make.........wanting someone to be what we think they can be, don't do it. You might as well beat your head against the wall.

March 16, 2011

I couldn't be bothered but I hope it all works out for you OP.

I reckon BB07 has it right but maybe ..

As long as you don't end up all twisted and cold if it doesn't work out.. that is all that matters.

Take care,

Eve x

March 16, 2011

I have made up my mind, I'm going to continue to be his friend. That is all both of us are looking for at this point in time out of each other.

I'd recommend going no contact with him. He's not your type.

If he falls for you, let him "chase" you.

You've told him your principles.

He does'nt seem interested in respecting them and like other posters here said, he's not your type.

He's only after one thing. He should be after you, your mind and love, not your body.

He can get a willing woman's body anywhere.

Um, I'm kinda waiting till my 30's anyway. Why wouldn't a guy want to deal with a girl in her 30's? That's really shallow IMHO. I don't believe guys think that way, either.

Dreamer,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy or gal holding to their principles and waiting.

Some, like me, who had sex early (in HS before becoming a Christian) lived like a semi-virgin in their 20s and tried to wait for the right one.

I'm 48 and married, but if I were back in my late 20s/early 30s before I met my love, I would find no problem with your stance. Or with you being a virgin.

Though not a virgin, the woman I married had only one partner, a fiance who she engaged in sex with after engagement (similar to your idea). That ended when he cheated on her. His loss, my gain.

And I wouldn't press you for sex. Really.

As a guy, I can't say I wouldn't have sexual feelings and wouldn't want to see how far I could go in heavy petting, etc., but how far we went would be totally controlled by you, as it always is with the other partner (in any relationship), for whatever reason.

TBH, bec. I was in my early 30s and relationship- and sex-starved (had never been engaged, though ALMOST had a fiance, a 30 y.o. virgin), I likely would not have turned down a woman I was in a long-term relationship with if she offered (and I could see the potential).

Actually I did resist a couple of offers at 27 and 28 bec. I wasn't really in love with the women and had a lot of regrets from two casual sex encounters I had at 26. Those incidents left me feeling worse and more lonely than before.

I did have intimacy with my future wife 6 mos. after I turned 30, but it was a monogomous, committed relationship which led to marriage.

I keep telling some of these virgin men in their late 20s and 30s that women won't laugh at them if they discover they're virgins and that they should wait for the right girl instead of visiting a brothel or having a meaningless encounter somewhere where they don't even know the girl's name.

Perhaps I need to link to your posting to show them there are women like you.

Some of them seem to think ALL women have sexed it up by their mid-20s and only want to date "bad guys."

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170081&p=4684773&viewfull=1#post4684773

So stick to your principles. There are guys out there that aren't players who only want one thing.

March 16, 2011

I have read some of your responses to other people in some of the other threads. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Eh, you go ahead and keep chasing bad boys and see where it gets you. Thats okay, you'll find out when its too late, I speak from experience, you do not.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

March 16, 2011

Deadly serious here..

At this point I would like to re-introduce the vibrator idea. Don't wait for any man to make that side of things happen for you..

You may even begin to look at him and then look at the vibrator and tell him you are busy most nights..

Take care,

Eve x

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Want to wait till marriage for sex, but like a guy who does not believe that way.

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