Does the A spices their sexual life with the BS ?

[Silly_Girl]

There's nothing about this that warrants the use of the words "so funny" or the "big grin". I'm sure it's not all of them, but I think a fair proportion of MM lie to OW about sex within the marriage. Obviously there are also completely sexless marriages too and it stands to reason that some may be having As.

 

I was in a marriage and I know what was happening in the sex department in the marriage. I also know what he was telling OW about it because I read the e-mails to OW. He was definitely lying to OW as well as to me.

 

Even now I don't claim to know everything about the sex between them during the A.

 

Sid, I've had an awful lot of bashing about my man's unusual situation and the absolute lack of sexual contact they had. I'd suggest that had you been in my shoes the start of this post MIGHT have been somewhat different.

[Holding-On]

There seem to be a lot of people here saying they did NOT have more sex while their partner was in an affair. I am a bit surprise the Coolridge Effect was not more true for affair situations.

 

For OPEN situations - i.e. the polyamory and swinging worlds - it is commonly discussed that sex drive does increase with more partners. But that is just my experience and those of my friends and acquaintances.

 

With my affair my desire for my husband did not increase but with my boyfriends it definitely has. However I never consummated the affair/got off or got physical in any way I consider significant so that may play a role.

 

Interesting question!

[Woman In Blue]

One need only read an infidelity message board to see that the majority of married people in affairs are still having sex with their spouses. Men are especially good at compartmentalizing and have no problem whatsoever acting like the happy husband at home even though they're knee-deep in an affair. I've read many, many, MANY posts on infidelity boards that the wife had no clue about her husband's affair because things were the way they'd always been at home - they were still having sex and nothing seemed amiss.

 

Then you read posts by OW and 99% of them claim their married men aren't being intimate with their wives. Methinks there are tons of men out there telling whatever lies they can in order to get some on the side...

[East7]

One need only read an infidelity message board to see that the majority of married people in affairs are still having sex with their spouses.

 

The topic is not to wonder if they keep having sex or not, but if the sexual dynamics make them want their BS more.

 

When the sex-drive is powerful someone may likely want to get "relieved" with the first available partner in a triangle relationship.

[Spark1111]

The topic is not to wonder if they keep having sex or not, but if the sexual dynamics make them want their BS more.

 

When the sex-drive is powerful someone may likely want to get "relieved" with the first available partner in a triangle relationship.

 

I have read this too: that a sudden increase or decrease in sex drive can be a sign of an affair.

 

It stayed the same for us, but it did become somewhat more mechanical towards the end of his affair.

 

I think she was putting pressure on him to commit to her, and growing angrier with his evasiveness. She was also trying to convince him I must have a boyfriend and in starting to believe it, he was growing angrier with me.

 

He also had a viagra script, but kept it hidden from me until the very end of the affair. he used it rarely to never with us.

 

I believe guilt and compartmentalization and her pressure were....ahem...starting to interfere with his performance with her.

 

After we reconciled, he had a few occasions of performance issues....guilt again (towards me) but they straightened out.

 

We don't need no stinking V.:p:p Well...not yet.

 

Maybe men are better in compartmentalizing. It seems the majority of women on this board needed to pretend their H was their lover.

 

Not sure!

[Mrs. Jones]

So funny that all married people having an A 'lie' about not having sex, yet periodically there's yet another man/woman on the marriage board whose spouse won't touch them ever, or vice versa. Where's the cries of 'liar!' then?!

 

I agree with this SG! I think everyone is lying somewhat about what is really happening, or not, at home.

 

I too see posts about MM complaining they are not getting enough from the W and are contemplating an A and vise vera. In fact I saw a post last week about a MM whose wife was both mentally/physically unhealthy for a while and she did not feel like having sex with him anymore. Wonder if that was my xMM?

[Spark1111]

Well, I think it depends on the reason for an affair, don't you?

 

Sex could be okay, but the emotional connection is lacking.

 

Or, the emotional connection is good enough, but the sex has fallen off.

 

Some may have an affair for sex. Some may have an affair when they connect strongly with their emotions to another.

 

Some have affairs because they are bored or broken.

 

It all depends on the WHY....and your why may not be mine, or his or your APs.

[Mrs. Jones]

I'm sure it's not all of them, but I think a fair proportion of MM lie to OW about sex within the marriage. Obviously there are also completely sexless marriages too and it stands to reason that some may be having As.

 

I knew my xMM and his W were having sex, and frequency did not really matter to me, though he told me it was very infrequent. I was certain he was not having the type/quality of sex with her that he was having with me, so that was how I dealt with their "relations."

[Mrs. Jones]

Well, I think it depends on the reason for an affair, don't you?

 

Sex could be okay, but the emotional connection is lacking.

 

Or, the emotional connection is good enough, but the sex has fallen off.

 

Some may have an affair for sex. Some may have an affair when they connect strongly with their emotions to another.

 

Some have affairs because they are bored or broken.

 

It all depends on the WHY....and your why may not be mine, or his or your APs.

 

You've hit the nail, Spark. This would determine the sexual dynamics with the WS/BS at home while in the A.

 

And you're right...it's different for everyone. There is no one size fits all.

[Jane Deaux]

And you're right...it's different for everyone. There is no one size fits all.

 

You can say that again. Life is as old as time, the reasons we do the things we do are also as old as time, but that doesn't make the people involved a carbon copy of each other and that doesn't mean their actions or the outcome will mirror anyone else's.

[Heather1]

This was the case for me....I didn't even think I liked sex anymore?? I married someone who was totally stable, wildly attracted to me & that I felt attracted to when we got married, just not the same as him. We've had many things happen to us throughout our M to pretty much turn me off & I was OK w/ never having sex again. OM proved me wrong, I'm totally into it! I transferred that passion onto my H. MM has asked about my sex life, I've never asked him about his. I assume he's having regular sex & never thought different. I kind of blocked it out?? I guess it's compartmentalizing?? I'll be honest here, when he asked about my M & sex life, I lied.

 

When we have a flirting email day I take it out on my H. Another weird thing was I couldn't have O w/ MM? He'd be such a basket case I couldn't relax. So it was strange, couldn't keep my hands off of OM, wildly attracted, etc. & yet to compare the 2, my H does it for me? It actually brought that part of my M to life.

 

I don't think that's like most women I've read about on here.

[Flabbergaster]

Unlike your OW, I did not want my H like I wanted my xMM. I wished to be just with xMM.

To be clear, she wished to be 'just with me' for a long portion of this. When she started sleeping with him, I believe it was self-defense against the pain that she had from "not being" with me. After the initial fun, when our EA got even deeper...she had little interest in sex w/him and thought of it as a chore.

 

With eachother, my xMM and I both admitted to having some of the best “s3x” we’ve ever had, and I have had many experiences. We were so uninhibited. I miss it.

I'm in the same boat. Forgive me for taking solace in the fact that she probably misses it and that he's a dud in that department (as someone earlier in this thread, put it).

 

Later in conversations with the BS she asked me about it and she told me that they didn't have as much sex as she wanted and he didn't seem to be interested. She also asked me if I thought he was a selfish lover.

AWK-ward!! I'm sorry, don't we have some of the funniest stories sometimes about being in an affair, that can never be told?

 

The things you say are almost spot on what my MM says to me. And the insight you give is a huge help for me. (and since I actually like most of what you say and it leads me to see the good in mine and my MM A, others will prob somehow disagree that its a "help" )

Here's something to chew on there (sorry for derailing this thread...):

-I really loved (love) her. A lot. Some other day we'll go into why things didn't change

-One the A was under full steam I did things to protect her because I cared for her; if we hadn't slept together we'd be lifelong bff's rather than star-crossed lovers. I would tell her to notice the negative side of A, hide 'good' things from her (because she would be encouraged to stay), push her away when i didn't want to, etc. Sounds like he's doing a bit of that.

-most men, in my opinion, are in an affair for the PA side. These guys can be DANGED manipulative and know that a woman will be 'kept' in the affair longer if they see the type of behavior that I exhibited. So they'll fake it a bit...and let you 'accidentally' see what they're pretending...to get you all gushy so you compromise your principles. Note that ymmv and your guy might be the 'real deal' but that still doesn't solve the problem: he's married and he goes to sleep next to her every night. He is communicating to you that he loves you very much...and that he is not going to leave her so get out before he hurts you bad. Now if he's tryign to protect you that does make you feel more happy about him...I suggest you figure out how long you're willing to suffer the 'not having him' for the reward of those wonderful blissful moments. Then pull the plug before you reach that point.

If situation was a bit different, xOW would have been able to handle being in my life as a lover for...10 years? longer? Until she changed a bit, she was someone who was ready for that (in the end it was approaching two years...or one and a half). Are you ready for that? Two more years like this? Five? Fifteen? Try to figure out your limit, enjoy the party until you reach it.

 

The topic is not to wonder if they keep having sex or not, but if the sexual dynamics make them want their BS more.

 

When the sex-drive is powerful someone may likely want to get "relieved" with the first available partner in a triangle relationship.

Whoops...and here i go derailing from the start.

At first when the A was a PA only, and there wasn't much opportunity at all for satisfaction...it increased my sex drive and I was more interested in sex. Once the A became an EA, I was less interested in sex w/ BS because...that wasn't the one that I was fixated on.

 

So it was strange, couldn't keep my hands off of OM, wildly attracted, etc. & yet to compare the 2, my H does it for me? It actually brought that part of my M to life.

 

I don't think that's like most women I've read about on here.

hehe...I suspect this is what happens for MM that manage to keep the A at a PA level. I know it happens like this for some women, until they reach EA level. The bitch of it is...there is a knive's edge between PA (hey this is great sex, i don't need you beyond sex, I can get turned on for BS more often) and EA (i miss you and it hurts, I don't even want to hold hands w BS). Most people I think cross the line before they realize they are near it. We were watching for it, planning to stop before it...went at least a mile past the line before we realized it was an EA.

[SuzieWong]

I have read in some websites explaining the A dynamics, that the A itself while rising the MP sex-drive may lead the MP to more sex with their spouse.

 

This is an unwanted side-effect for the APs.

 

While MPs in general claim no sex with their BS during the A, the odds are they may have more sporadic and "mechanical" sex with their BS. I say "mechanical" because they may still be 100% emotionally attached with the AP and have the BS available to relieve their sexual needs. (The AP is not always available) Some of them confess they imagine "it is the AP" while having sex with the BS.

 

IMO things may differ if the MP is a MM or a MW.

 

IMO women are more exclusive in sex, I think MW stop having sex or limit it while having an A. On the other side MM might enjoy the variety.

 

East7 I must ask where you get this idea? When I review the time my former husband was with another woman there was not more sex. I am thinking you are describing a sex addict or an overcompensating man.

 

Why you wonder about this question?

[Heather1]

hehe...I suspect this is what happens for MM that manage to keep the A at a PA level. I know it happens like this for some women, until they reach EA level. The bitch of it is...there is a knive's edge between PA (hey this is great sex, i don't need you beyond sex, I can get turned on for BS more often) and EA (i miss you and it hurts, I don't even want to hold hands w BS). Most people I think cross the line before they realize they are near it. We were watching for it, planning to stop before it...went at least a mile past the line before we realized it was an EA.

 

We had more of an EA too, I was just talking about the sex part of it. We were in daily contact for years & hardly had a chance to get together. He didn't want the PA anymore out of guilt to his BS & wanted to remain friends. I just didn't think that was possible, given I can't control my body around him!! So sex w/ my H is great, because I'm transferring my lust for OM & thinking about him. As for holding hands w/ my H, nope, never felt that for him. The hugs & hand holding I got from OM were something I totally cherish...more than the sex.

[East7]

At first when the A was a PA only, and there wasn't much opportunity at all for satisfaction...it increased my sex drive and I was more interested in sex. Once the A became an EA, I was less interested in sex w/ BS because...that wasn't the one that I was fixated on.

 

The more I read, the more I am convinced of the fact that when the emotional part of the affair becomes preponderant, the WS looses interest in sex with BS and it becomes definitely more mechanical and passionless.

[Mrs. Jones]

We had more of an EA too, I was just talking about the sex part of it. We were in daily contact for years & hardly had a chance to get together. He didn't want the PA anymore out of guilt to his BS & wanted to remain friends. I just didn't think that was possible, given I can't control my body around him!! So sex w/ my H is great, because I'm transferring my lust for OM & thinking about him. As for holding hands w/ my H, nope, never felt that for him. The hugs & hand holding I got from OM were something I totally cherish...more than the sex.

 

My sitch was very much like yours. We had the daily contact too, though not in the same office, and our PA was minimal but tried to eek out any hugging,touching, squeezing that we could, any where we could.

 

The quality of sex w/ my H is slowly recovering, but does not have the intensity or adventurism as the sex I had with xMM. I need to work on that. I just wish he had it more in him.

 

Same with my H...no hand holding...but with xMM lots of affection. I miss it too.

[Mrs. Jones]

The more I read, the more I am convinced of the fact that when the emotional part of the affair becomes preponderant, the WS looses interest in sex with BS and it becomes definitely more mechanical and passionless.

 

 

This is correct East...at least it was for me.

[seren]

The more I read, the more I am convinced of the fact that when the emotional part of the affair becomes preponderant, the WS looses interest in sex with BS and it becomes definitely more mechanical and passionless.

 

I agree with this East, I also think that if the WS becomes emotionally involved in an A, it is harder to reconcile. But, if you listen to a lot of BS, you will see that for most, the sex does not become mechanical or passionless, otherwise more of us would notice there was a problem. If there were a sudden lack of sex or intimacy most BS would cotton on to there being a problem. Either Ws are extremely good at compartmentalising or the A's aren't emotion based.

[whathesaid]

I have read in some websites explaining the A dynamics, that the A itself while rising the MP sex-drive may lead the MP to more sex with their spouse.

 

This is an unwanted side-effect for the APs.

 

While MPs in general claim no sex with their BS during the A, the odds are they may have more sporadic and "mechanical" sex with their BS. I say "mechanical" because they may still be 100% emotionally attached with the AP and have the BS available to relieve their sexual needs. (The AP is not always available) Some of them confess they imagine "it is the AP" while having sex with the BS.

 

IMO things may differ if the MP is a MM or a MW.

 

IMO women are more exclusive in sex, I think MW stop having sex or limit it while having an A. On the other side MM might enjoy the variety.

 

No.

 

Prior to my affair I did continue to have sex with my wife because it was what was available. Since falling in love with my OW I have cut all physical contact with my wife. I will not cheat on my OW. She is the woman I love.

[Spark1111]

No.

 

Prior to my affair I did continue to have sex with my wife because it was what was available. Since falling in love with my OW I have cut all physical contact with my wife. I will not cheat on my OW. She is the woman I love.

 

But what does your wife say about it? Certainly she must notice you do not have sex anymore?

[whathesaid]

But what does your wife say about it? Certainly she must notice you do not have sex anymore?

 

I have confessed my affair to my wife. She knows that I am not in love with her anymore. I will not cheat on the woman I love.

[Happy Finally]

Owl and Flabbergaster, thanks for your inputs.

 

IME it was the most hurtful and humiliating element of the A. I think us men, are more concerned about the physical "ownership" than the emotionnal one. It was like almost I didn't care if she lived with her H, as long as he didn't touch her (I know sound illogical).

 

East that is spot on. I know when my OW told me she was snuggling with her husband it didn't make me happy but yet she lived with the guy...and could care less.

[2sure]

In the past I have had MM say to me that an improved sex life with their spise was one of the great things having an affair was doing for their marriage.

 

And yes, even at the time I saw the lunacy in the comment.

[whichwayisup]

No.

 

Prior to my affair I did continue to have sex with my wife because it was what was available. Since falling in love with my OW I have cut all physical contact with my wife. I will not cheat on my OW. She is the woman I love.

 

I have confessed my affair to my wife. She knows that I am not in love with her anymore. I will not cheat on the woman I love.

 

Music to many OW's ears.

 

Good for you. You get to stay married and have the life, keep your family intact, live a lie for your kids sake yet your OW still only gets parts of you since you won't divorce. Lucky for you that you have an understanding happy OW who will help keep things as they are.

 

Maybe your wife will have someone on the side too.

 

Or, why not discuss with your wife an open marriage?

[whichwayisup]

Not good for me. I am the one least happy with the situation as it stands. Yes, I live a lie for the sake of my children. My OW gets all of me anytime she needs or wants me all she has to do is say so, and provided my work has not made it impossible I will be at her side. She is understanding and happy. I wish I could be as happy.

 

My wife is free to do whom or whatever she chooses. It will come as a relief to me if she would find someone new as it would likely make her let me go more readily, rather than to try to make interaction with my children pure hell.

 

I have told my wife that I will continue to seek my happiness and affection elsewhere. And that she is more than free to do the same.

 

It truly would be more fair to your kids if you and your wife divorced, had joint custody. What you and your wife are teaching your kids about love and marriage is wrong. To stay in a marriage where you hate your wife so much and live a lie is just cruel to your kids. In this case selfish of both you and your wife to stay together because neither one of you want to be away from your kids.. Though at the end of the day, it's your kids who suffer the most. Not you and not your wife.