Does the A spices their sexual life with the BS ?

[ladydesigner]

It truly would be more fair to your kids if you and your wife divorced, had joint custody. What you and your wife are teaching your kids about love and marriage is wrong. To stay in a marriage where you hate your wife so much and live a lie is just cruel to your kids. In this case selfish of both you and your wife to stay together because neither one of you want to be away from your kids.. Though at the end of the day, it's your kids who suffer the most. Not you and not your wife.

 

I certainly hope this is well hidden for the kids sake, but they are usually smarter than that. I feel sorry for the kids.

[whichwayisup]

Do you two do family outting with your kids? Eat meals together? Sleep in the same bed ( even though you say you don't have sex with her anymore)?

 

It's good atleast you don't hate her or resent her. It's good you see she deserves more, though it won't be from you. It's sad though that even though you love your OW and it seems your OW is willing to wait on the side lines until you D -- Which leads me to this. What do you tell your OW? In the sense of if you still "live life" as a family unit and do things as a family. Do Christmas's, kids bday parties, holidays, see your inlaws, etc.. How does your OW feel about that, life IS going on with your wife even though you don't love her the way a husband should for his wife.

 

Is that fair to your OW? Even if she claims to be OK with it, i'm sure deep down it hurts her to know that she in some sense isn't IN your life the way she wants to be.

[ladydesigner]

I would like to go on the record and say that I do not hate my wife. I just simply do not love her like a man should love his wife. I love her for being a good mother to my children. I love her for having been a relatively good wife for many years. I love her as a human being who deserves more than i have to offer to her.

 

We do not fight often. We do not treat each other unkindly. But you are right, the best thing would be to divorce so that we can both get on with making the best of the rest of our lives. She is adamantly opposed to doing so while the kids remain minors and has promised to make it near impossible to coparent effectively in the case of a divorce. I think the kindest thing for my children is to finish raising them into adulthood and make the split when they are gone at college and can not be used as pawns with which to hurt each other.

 

If she is a good mother, a good mother would not use her children as pawns and it is disheartening to hear such a thing. Do you really think that would happen? Sometimes mediators are good at keeping the peace. At least your wife has the truth, it is just sad that she is willing to tolerate sharing you with someone else.

[wheelwright]

I feel that we are taking away from the intent of this thread.

 

I will be happy to start a thread of my own to discuss some of this very soon. But for the moment I have to go eat dinner with my children. My wife will be there, yes. But I spend that time as quality time with my kids. I ask them about their day and school and sports. And when dinner is over I will help to clean up and will probably play xbox with them for a while. Then maybe I will be back.

 

Occasionally on LS there is something that comes from a person who seems OK but who states they are are being manipulated by life and therefore they don't have to take control. One might breathe the word circumstances as if that explained a person's cowardice or faith or love.

Anyway, wishing you the best.

[WorldIsYours]

I certainly hope this is well hidden for the kids sake, but they are usually smarter than that. I feel sorry for the kids.

 

The kids need to know when they are old enough.

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry that my actions appear as cowardly to you. To anyone for that matter. I do not like to think of myself as cowardly. Few men would. I don't know that I would say I am a coward but I will admit to fear. Not fear of the unknown or starting a new life or even leaving my old one but a fear of losing the people most dear to me in the process of trying so desperately to hold on to them. A fear of somehow failing my children and leaving them with emotional scars that will end them with years in therapy or on a site like this. Fear of hurting my beautiful lover, the woman I have always loved in my dreams. Fear of making a choice that will cost me any of them. Yet I have made a choice even if you see it as a choice of cowardice. My choice is to see my children into adulthood with the best possible foundation that I am able to offer them. I can not offer them a father that loves their mother but I can offer them a father who respects their mother and who will treat her with as much kindness as possible until our jobs as a parenting team are complete. At that point if I have done my job well they will understand that I need to make a change for myself. At that point I must also hope that my love has not given up on me. That her faith in me is as strong as mine in her. But no matter the outcome of my decision I stand true when I say I feel I am making the best choice I can at this time.

 

Part I bolded, I hope your wife can do the same. Though IF that's possible, where you both come to an understanding, it might be better for your kids to be apart. Live in two happy households instead of one. You say you and your wife do get along and don't fight, you do family stuff and maybe your kids are too young to see no affection and not see mommy and daddy affectionate, hold hands, cuddle and kiss etc.. (not that kids enjoy seeing that, noone really wants to see their folks make out..Even as adults!) Yet, you also say if you leave and divorce, she'll make your life heck and make it hard for you to see the kids. Could it be because you've told her about your OW and also told her you won't stop seeing her no matter what? I can see how it would hurt your wife, to dig your heels in like that and refuse to work on the marriage and just settle with no effort to reconnect just to keep your kids under one roof. Also, to hope and expect your OW will 'wait in the wings' and be okay staying the OW until the kids are older (like we talking 1-2 years or 4-6, maybe 5-8 years) of your OW waiting for you to leave and start a life with her? It's alot to hope and expect as I'm sure your OW wants kids of her own and if you can't provide that for her any time soon, I doubt she'll want to wait so many years..

 

I respect your honesty..And with that, I hope you do start your own thread so we all can continue posting more.

[East7]

W, W and W

Please, the topic is not about the kids

[greengoddess]

I have confessed my affair to my wife. She knows that I am not in love with her anymore. I will not cheat on the woman I love.

 

You are cheating on the woman that you love by going home to your wife every night and playng family. You do not do that to someone you love. If you love your other woman then you should proudly show her off to the world, including your children. If you love this woman so much then let your children see what real love looks like not a fake marriage. Let your children see a happy relationship and healthy male female interactions. Stop hiding behind your fear.

[greengoddess]

I would like to go on the record and say that I do not hate my wife. I just simply do not love her like a man should love his wife. I love her for being a good mother to my children. I love her for having been a relatively good wife for many years. I love her as a human being who deserves more than i have to offer to her.

 

We do not fight often. We do not treat each other unkindly. But you are right, the best thing would be to divorce so that we can both get on with making the best of the rest of our lives. She is adamantly opposed to doing so while the kids remain minors and has promised to make it near impossible to coparent effectively in the case of a divorce. I think the kindest thing for my children is to finish raising them into adulthood and make the split when they are gone at college and can not be used as pawns with which to hurt each other.

 

You may want to research this a little more. One of the most fragile times for a kid is their first time away from home for college. This is one of the worst times to leave. The kids away at college need the reassurance that they have a happy home to go back to. This is another thought right out of the things married men say to the other woman...once the kid goes to college...

 

You really should leave before then so they are home with one parent or the other for support of all the emotions they will feel. Their first year away from home in a new lace with new friends is not the time to do it. Most parents who really talk with their kids realize this.

[OWoman]

You may want to research this a little more. One of the most fragile times for a kid is their first time away from home for college. This is one of the worst times to leave. The kids away at college need the reassurance that they have a happy home to go back to. This is another thought right out of the things married men say to the other woman...once the kid goes to college...

 

You really should leave before then so they are home with one parent or the other for support of all the emotions they will feel. Their first year away from home in a new lace with new friends is not the time to do it. Most parents who really talk with their kids realize this.

 

I think this is one of those culturally relative issues. Certainly where I come from, kids leave home (for university, to work, whatever) when the finish school. It's not like some summer camp notion where they see their absence as temporary. They leave, and get on with their own lives. There is no continued infantalisation. Sure, they may continue to be financially dependent if they are full-time students, but typically they will have a grant or a loan or even a monthly allowance, which they will spend according to a budget they draw up and will suffer the consequences of doing so badly (or not). "Kids" of that age draw their primary support from their peer group if their childhood has been successful, not from their parents, and so don't need the good dream blanket of their parents' happy home as some safety net to cling to, if child rearing has been successful.

[greengoddess]

I think this is one of those culturally relative issues. Certainly where I come from, kids leave home (for university, to work, whatever) when the finish school. It's not like some summer camp notion where they see their absence as temporary. They leave, and get on with their own lives. There is no continued infantalisation. Sure, they may continue to be financially dependent if they are full-time students, but typically they will have a grant or a loan or even a monthly allowance, which they will spend according to a budget they draw up and will suffer the consequences of doing so badly (or not). "Kids" of that age draw their primary support from their peer group if their childhood has been successful, not from their parents, and so don't need the good dream blanket of their parents' happy home as some safety net to cling to, if child rearing has been successful.

 

 

Kids at that age LOVE to have a happy family to bring their PEER group home to during breaks. I just heard my son say as he had 6 friends here for spring break, "What could be nicer? All my bestfriends from college at my home with my family sharing a meal."

 

It was lovely. It is not infantile. It is callled family and being close to those you love. It is called security when you are out alone for the first time. It is called somewhere to go for a home cooked meal with your bestfriends. It is a beautiful thing and surely not something to be looked down upon as infantile. It just saddens me that kids get "thrown out" into the world because they come from such a messed up family situation they they have no roots to come back to and share with their bestfriends. My son is not only being very independent at college and making lasting friendships that he is sharing with his family but he learning to keep real relationships and real friends for a lifetime. Nothing infantile about that.

[bentnotbroken]

Kids at that age LOVE to have a happy family to bring their PEER group home to during breaks. I just heard my son say as he had 6 friends here for spring break, "What could be nicer? All my bestfriends from college at my home with my family sharing a meal."

 

It was lovely. It is not infantile. It is callled family and being close to those you love. It is called security when you are out alone for the first time. It is called somewhere to go for a home cooked meal with your bestfriends. It is a beautiful thing and surely not something to be looked down upon as infantile. It just saddens me that kids get "thrown out" into the world because they come from such a messed up family situation they they have no roots to come back to and share with their bestfriends. My son is not only being very independent at college and making lasting friendships that he is sharing with his family but he learning to keep real relationships and real friends for a lifetime. Nothing infantile about that.

 

 

 

Now you know we are cultrully backwards.

[Silly_Girl]

Kids at that age LOVE to have a happy family to bring their PEER group home to during breaks. I just heard my son say as he had 6 friends here for spring break, "What could be nicer? All my bestfriends from college at my home with my family sharing a meal."

 

 

That sounds lovely gg, truly. Here in the UK absolutely NONE of my friends brought anyone back from uni. Have never heard of it. They tended to socialise there, when there, and meet up with old school buddies on the rare occurences they were at home.

[donnamaybe]

There is no continued infantalisation.

This is quite a twisting of what most people view as family closeness.

[fooled once]

Kids at that age LOVE to have a happy family to bring their PEER group home to during breaks. I just heard my son say as he had 6 friends here for spring break, "What could be nicer? All my bestfriends from college at my home with my family sharing a meal."

 

It was lovely. It is not infantile. It is called family and being close to those you love. It is called security when you are out alone for the first time. It is called somewhere to go for a home cooked meal with your best friends. It is a beautiful thing and surely not something to be looked down upon as infantile. It just saddens me that kids get "thrown out" into the world because they come from such a messed up family situation they they have no roots to come back to and share with their best friends. My son is not only being very independent at college and making lasting friendships that he is sharing with his family but he learning to keep real relationships and real friends for a lifetime. Nothing infantile about that.

 

In the states, this is exactly what happens with college kids. They don't LIVE at school - they take some belongings. School dorms are SHUT DOWN in the summer or winter break, etc. They come HOME to their family home to work during breaks in school. It is NORMAL in the US. Very very few kids leave home for good at 18; although I had one who did But he knows he will always, always have a HOME here with me; no matter what age. He knows I will never not have a room set aside for him.

 

My stepdaughter lives with her mother still at age 21. She doesn't make enough to live on her own. She cannot move out. She isn't infantile - she is a struggling young adult.

 

Most of my friends whose kids have gone to college know that their kids will be home for breaks and holidays and summer. They don't pack their stuff up and put it in storage. Heck, with the way the economy is in the US, more and more kids are returning home after college until they can get a decent job and get on their feet. Depending on where you live, decent paying jobs for a college graduate are hard to come by and certainly don't offer enough to live off right away.

 

And there have been several talk shows with young adults regarding their parents divorcing after high school/while at college. Those kids are PISSED that they waited; felt as if their lives were a lie. And it is true. Why do so many think that when a kid turns 18, they have the emotional maturity to accept it better than at 12? Why do people think that 18 means you are done being a parent? Makes me know that me divorcing my son's dad when he was 6 was the RIGHT thing to do -- I did it when I knew the marriage was over. I didn't play pretend happy family for years and give him a false sense of security. That is IMHO the cowards way to handle things.