Is it wrong to try and break up a wedding?

[keith2180]

Hi everyone,

 

In need of advice here. I see most people's posts and the responses thereafter, and I do suppose that I will get the same, however its worth a try.

 

Here goes:

I dated this girl for three years and we were inseparable. Well, five years ago, me being immature at the time, I was obstructed by other things going on at the time (other girls, friends, partying). I broke it off and did my thing, so to speak, and realized quickly that I missed her and all of those things did not add up to us together.

 

So for the next two years because we were still living so close to each other, we continued a "pseudo" relationship, where we would hook up with each other, and hang out all the time, however never really added a title to it.

 

After those two years, I moved about 4 hours away, and while we still were in contact with each other, we were both dating other people. When I made the numerous trips to visit (still have a lot of friends there) the situations were always like old times, except we usually never got physical because we were both in relationships.

 

Now about a year and a half ago I got the "punch in the gut". I received an Email from her telling me that her boyfriend proposed to her and she accepted. I told her that I was happy for her and all, when in reality I didn't know what to think. See, all along I had this preconceived notion that one day I would eventually be near her again and we would marry. I was never concerned that this would happen and that is why I never made the full effort to get back with her.

 

So for the past year I have had thoughts doing laps in my head about how to deal with this. I have thought everything from:

 

1) Forget the whole thing, and get over it. This will eventually pass and I should be happy for her. Just suck it up and go to the wedding. I would just hate to regret not speaking up.

 

2) Tell her exactly how I feel and/or do a beautiful romantic thing to change her mind.... (everything from drive down there on a random night and visit one of our old stomping grounds and tell her...to...propose to her myself, and see where it goes from there)

 

3) Do something even more drastic and try to stop the wedding the day of, or the week leading up to it.

 

The third choice being a bit to much, because I know it could end in disaster.

 

I see her about once a month and we still hang out and have a great time. And she has left a message once quite recently one night when I was visiting telling me she really needed to talk cause she doesn't know what is going on with her fiance.

 

I would love to do the second thing, but I am so afraid of a denial that would end with her thinking I am trying to sabotage her marriage and lose our friendship forever. And I also hate to put her in that type of position because I know that is hard for a person and I would hate to hurt her.

 

But I have tried to forget her and I just cant do it. I must be in contact with her, she and I are still close and I would hate to lose her. On the other hand I cant hold a relationship now because I just don't care about anyone new. All I can think about is her.

 

I will be with her again this week and I know that it will be the same where I say nothing and walk away thinking I may have just let the love of my life slip away. I guess I should just suck it up and let things work out as they will. It is just a hard pill to swallow.

 

I would choose to be with her, however that is only if the choice were mine to make.

 

I hope I made that somewhat clear. I also apologize for the babble if in fact I was. Any advice is truly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[magda]

Well, it's interesting that even though you've been apart all this time, only now can you suddenly not stop thinking of her and decide she's the love of your life. It's pretty normal to freak out when an ex gets married, it freaks most people out especially if they're single, and I don't see anything different about your situation. I advise you go for option one and stop being so selfish.

 

As far as option 3... WHY would you WAit until the last day/last week to do something dramatic like breaking up a wedding because you're suddenly certain you love her??? I mean, that's just weird. If anything do it the moment you decided it was true, which I do NOT advise because I don't think it is true that you are any more than merely infatuated with someone you were once very close to. It's okay to fantasize about doing such things, but even considering them makes me think maybe you're going through an unstable period in your life where you might really benefit from some good ole fashioned soul-searching - the focus of which is only you and not some long-ago relationship. You don't even mention any indication she might feel the same! You're probably just jealous of her happiness and wishing very strongly that it were your own. Get your own! You might also consider therapy.

 

I got a kick out of this:

I would love to do the second thing, but I am so afraid of a denial that would end with her thinking I am trying to sabotage her marriage and lose our friendship forever.

That is EXACTLY what you were thinking of trying to do!

[Care2]

Tell her how you feel. Maybe she thinks she doesn't mean that much to you if you have waited so long and haven't told her your thoughts/feelings.

 

You owe it to yourself. Her comment/email re her fiance is her opening to you. Women are very subtle sometimes for various reasons. Maybe she is afraid to tell you how she feels... she is engaged and probably feels you may not trust/respect her if she comes out and tells you what she needs to say.

 

Yes, promised commitments are to be respected but sometimes they are mistakes. We are all human and it goes with the territory...we are allowed to be confused and yes, make promises we later feel were mistakes. The older we get the more we have made. We are all human.

 

I hope you find the answer.

c