love lost!!??!!

[vader]

Ok - here is my story and I'll try and keep it short. I am a 28 year old guy in India. My best friend is a 26-year-old girl and we have known each other for the last 9 years. About 4 years ago, we got messed up sexually, which I tried to resist but it happened in any case. She insisted that it was just sex and that we shouldn't read much into it. Later however, after a few months I became involved with another woman who happened to be her flat mate in school. She got upset and at that point revealed that she was in fact in love with me. I think I loved her too at that point too without realising it, mistaking it as just my concern for my best friend. Another issue was that I did not find her attractive to begin with and that kept me from accepting the reality as well. Well this scenario became like a pattern in our relationship where she kept telling me that she loved me and I kept telling her that I did not know how I felt about her. She kept assuming it (correctly) as love. But I am a weak person and knowing that she loved me intensely and would always be there when I needed her, I started to take her for granted all the time and became involved with a series of women one after the other. Things came to a head several times where she threatened to leave me and in my over confidence I told her to do so. She left but after a while always returned. There was never another guy in her life except once about a year ago when she became involved with a travel partner for about a week. Her involvement with this person drove me into a frenzy of jealosy, which I never revealed to her and started spying on her emails and basically went berserk. I can not imagine her with anyone else. However, that too ended and she came back yet again. Every time she came back we became messed up and I'd tell her we'd see about us. I was a dog and I was over confident about her not being able to leave me. Her attachment to me released me from making any kind of effort for this relationship to work. I became extremlly complacent about her. She asked me several times to move in with her and I kept refusing. I am an emotionally bottled up person so I do not express myself freely in any case and in this particular case, the dynamics became such that I couldn't tell her even if I wanted too. It seemed like the relationship (!!!) would turn on its head if I did and I liked things the way they were. About a month ago I confessed to her finally that I loved her but, (and I think correctly) also that I didn't think it was enough or else I would not have put her through all the pain and hurt that I did over this 3-4 year period. Well, 15 days ago she gave me another ultimatum which I assumed was just another one in a series of them and told me (Indian society is conservative by nature and parents do not expect their daughters to be unmarried beyond a certain stage) that her parents were going to introduce her to this person whom she was to consider seriously. I, like a fool, told her to go ahead. She is the kind of person who can be very emotionally dependant and wants to always be holding hands and hugging or sitting in someone's lap etc. This person that she finally met with about 10 days ago is 30 year old chap and (according to her) is a very loving person. They met almost every night last week and she told me about him about how he holds her hand and says sweet things to her. Obviously you say sweet things to the person you are trying to woo. He left this Monday (he works in Amsterdam) when I finally called her again after a gap of 4-5 days. This is where my life turned upside down and everything just blew up. She told me that she like the guy extremely and she was considering him very seriously and might even be falling in love with him. She might even go to Amsterdam in October to spend about 10 more days with him to see how it goes. This just blew the wind right out of me. This happened on Tuesday. At that instant the prospect of losing her became a reality and I (again selfishly) told her she couldn't do it and she loved me. I can not imagine my life without her and I finally told her this also. I told her I loved her and yesterday I even asked her to marry me. It all seems like too little too late now. We had a 3 hour conversation yesterday and she kept telling me that she likes this guy. She said things which really hurt like when she woke last morning, she thought of him before she thought of me. She can picture his face better than mine etc etc. These things she said really hurt. I want the one to make her happy (or sad) and I want her to be the one to make me happy. She loved me for 4 years and falls in love with someone she meets for less than a week. When I asked her to marry me she said that she couldn't hurt this guy and that she has gone too far emotionally. I think she is just transferring her love onto him and considering she is wounded is easily floored by mushy stuff. After a lot of perusal, she asked me to give her 5 days to reconsider me where I am not supposed to call her or talk to her, whereas I know that she is exchanging emails with this other person. Right now I can not describe how I feel (miserable maybe and some might think deservedly) and can not sleep, eat, or think. I need any kind of advice anyone might have about this fairly long story. Also I needed to tell someone about this scenario which I haven't done so far so……. I am venting too.

 

Apologies for making this post so long

[Princess]

I hate to tell you this but... who can blame how she feels? I mean, look at it from her perspective. She waited for you for 5 years. She tried so many things to get you to love her. Nothing really worked so when she meets a guy that makes her feel loved, without her begging for the affection, she is obviously going to like it. Ultimately, it will be her descision. If you feel like you have done everything that you can do, wait for her to make her decision. Trust me, she will know what she wants to do. But I would like you to know for sure what you want. Maybe you want her now because she was always there for you, and after she marries this chap, she will no longer be. If you can, I would like you to rent an american movie titled, "My Best Friend's Wedding" with the actress, Julia Roberts. It might help you figure out what you want from her and why you are finally chasing after her.

[annie]

Wow!!! You sound so much like my ex boyfriend, and the way our relationship went. I loved him so much, and he also took that for granted. He was so arrogant at times that he would tell me that he hoped I would find someone who loved me, and hoped that I found someone who would make me happy for the rest of my life. He even told me to let go of the feelings I had for him. He also told me that he knew these words would cause me hurt and pain - and they did. But, gradually, I did let go of those feelings for him, because I gave so much, and he gave so little at times. And now that there is someone else in my life - he's acting like the jealous boyfriend!!! There is an old saying which goes - you don't know what you've got until you've lost it. The decision to come back to you and risk you treating her that way again ultimately remains with her. Actually, this usually happens, and the pursuer becomes the pursued. You weren't meeting her needs, and she has found someone who is - so, I wouldn't get my hopes up that she will come back to you. Your declaration of love and proposal of marriage only after she met someone else, smacks of desparation to her. Why should she trust your 11th hour act of desparation, when you took her love for granted and treated her the way you did for 5 years? Is there a guarantee that if you win her back that you won't return to the complacency as before? It's possible she may come back to you - but, really, why should she? She risks losing this other man who is meeting her needs. With every decision we make in life, there are consequences - either good or bad. If I were you, I wouldn't get my hopes too high - but, anything is possible.

I hate to tell you this but... who can blame how she feels? I mean, look at it from her perspective. She waited for you for 5 years. She tried so many things to get you to love her. Nothing really worked so when she meets a guy that makes her feel loved, without her begging for the affection, she is obviously going to like it. Ultimately, it will be her descision. If you feel like you have done everything that you can do, wait for her to make her decision. Trust me, she will know what she wants to do. But I would like you to know for sure what you want. Maybe you want her now because she was always there for you, and after she marries this chap, she will no longer be. If you can, I would like you to rent an american movie titled, "My Best Friend's Wedding" with the actress, Julia Roberts. It might help you figure out what you want from her and why you are finally chasing after her.

[Emma]

I am sorry to hear about what ahs happened.

 

It sounds a little like my story.. I have known this guy for a year and a half and we don't seem to manage to get it together. He is always putting me off, saying he's busy with work, but at the same time he keeps me hooked. I know that he loves me, and I think the reason that I have held onto him (or the idea of us being together)for so long is that i am certain of his feelings towards me. I am also certain that like you, he is scared of his emotions and his feelings for me. And he knows that i will always be there for him. I suppose I should have been tougher than I ahve been. But I made a decision last week that I fully intend to stick to and that is not accepting what I think is 2nd best. Yes he loves me, but he cannot show it, or do anything about it. I want to be treated like a lady and treated with respect by the man I love, and if that means walking away, then so be it. So I don't think your girlfriend is going to come back to you, she's had enough of your procrastination. Maybe if she leaves you, you'll realise what it means to love. I feel sorry for you, but its time to change your attitude.

[artlover]

Here's my 2 cents:

 

Have you considered speaking with a psychologist about this, because this is MUCH bigger than just you and this girl. The fact that you keep your emotions so bottled up is causing serious problems in your life (I can tell from your post that you're a sensitive, emotional man)! The fact that you pushed away the one woman who has shown you consistent kindness in spite of your strong feelings for her, shows that on some level you don't feel deserving of love. Some of that could have been because of your age, but you're getting older now and it's time to start healing the wounds of your past or your childhood or whatever it is that has made you afraid to love. The point is, this person will not be the last women in your life that you can love and who will love you, the question is, will you repeat the same mistakes again with the next person who comes to you with an open heart?

 

As for this situation, your best friend has to make her own decisions here. You made your choice to not get involved with her in the past. Now she gets to make her own choices... Just give her the space she needs and if she decides to get seriously involved with this new man, so be it. This will hopefully be a lesson to you that will serve you well into the future. Caution: PLEASE don't just fling yourself into the next situation you find or settle for someone who you do not truly love out of fear of repeating the same mistakes. Just listen to your heart and if you find love again, try to allow yourself to see it and experience it, because you ARE deserving.

[Emma]

some fine 2 cents worth Art Lover.

[vader]

thanks a ton art lover. i appreciate what u r saying and i have been thinking of seeking counselling. right now it looks as if i need it really bad. at present i can not even imagine any other girl in my head so the question of jumping into anything does not even arise. the last few days have been the toughest that i have ever seen and my work aswell as health are suffering. i have decided to respect whatever choice she makes even though i feel as if she is not beginning to love him but is merely infactuated because of her vulnerability. anyway thanks again..

[vader]

hi emma!! thanks a lot for the post. i know what u r saying is correct but she hadn't moved on till 15 days ago. now all of a sudden this person seems the kindest person to her. that is not enough is it?? and then why has she asked me to wait 5 days for her to ealuate the situation?? maybe she just wants to make me suffer like i made her hurt. but in my post i wrote only the worst parts of our relationship. for most of it, it was more than wonderful and we had the best times of our lives with each other. i hope she doesn't leave although by now (its the third day today!!) my hope is beginning to dwindle.....

[vader]

hi tony!! this is my third time on this message board and i've noticed you give incisive advice so naturally i was hoping that you'd respond to my post too. if you've read my earlier post i want to add that i've thought for a while that this girl and me were made for each other and its destined that we be together. my post paints only a sordid image of me but the truth is that most of our best times ever have been with each other. she was always happy when she was with me and never needed anything else except my company. she and me can not get from anyone elase what we get from each other. so to loose her would be devastating for me but i guess i'll just have to pay for my procrastinating nature. i have started preparing myself for the worst...

[Emma]

you never know she may not go off with this guy. Give her a little space and have a good honest think about what you really want and what can change between you.

 

Unconditional love is hard to apply, but if you do love her like you say you do then you will have to respect her wishes. She probably feels completely overwhelmed, not only with feelings for this new guy but also with all your sudden declarations of love and commitment. She is wondering if she can trust you.

 

Sit tight, talk to her when the 5 days are up, be honest.

 

Look at it from her point of view. If she decides to go with you rather than this new bloke she will be scared that you will go back to treating her the way you did before, and that once the threat of the other man is gone you may decide not to marry her.

 

What do you really want? Think long and hard.

[artlover]

Good luck to you! I assure you everything will work out for the best in the end, even if it isn't what yuu want right now.

hi tony!! this is my third time on this message board and i've noticed you give incisive advice so naturally i was hoping that you'd respond to my post too. if you've read my earlier post i want to add that i've thought for a while that this girl and me were made for each other and its destined that we be together. my post paints only a sordid image of me but the truth is that most of our best times ever have been with each other. she was always happy when she was with me and never needed anything else except my company. she and me can not get from anyone elase what we get from each other. so to loose her would be devastating for me but i guess i'll just have to pay for my procrastinating nature. i have started preparing myself for the worst...

[jacquee]

Ok - here is my story and I'll try and keep it short. I am a 28 year old guy in India. My best friend is a 26-year-old girl and we have known each other for the last 9 years. About 4 years ago, we got messed up sexually, which I tried to resist but it happened in any case. She insisted that it was just sex and that we shouldn't read much into it. Later however, after a few months I became involved with another woman who happened to be her flat mate in school. She got upset and at that point revealed that she was in fact in love with me. I think I loved her too at that point too without realising it, mistaking it as just my concern for my best friend. Another issue was that I did not find her attractive to begin with and that kept me from accepting the reality as well. Well this scenario became like a pattern in our relationship where she kept telling me that she loved me and I kept telling her that I did not know how I felt about her. She kept assuming it (correctly) as love. But I am a weak person and knowing that she loved me intensely and would always be there when I needed her, I started to take her for granted all the time and became involved with a series of women one after the other. Things came to a head several times where she threatened to leave me and in my over confidence I told her to do so. She left but after a while always returned. There was never another guy in her life except once about a year ago when she became involved with a travel partner for about a week. Her involvement with this person drove me into a frenzy of jealosy, which I never revealed to her and started spying on her emails and basically went berserk. I can not imagine her with anyone else. However, that too ended and she came back yet again. Every time she came back we became messed up and I'd tell her we'd see about us. I was a dog and I was over confident about her not being able to leave me. Her attachment to me released me from making any kind of effort for this relationship to work. I became extremlly complacent about her. She asked me several times to move in with her and I kept refusing. I am an emotionally bottled up person so I do not express myself freely in any case and in this particular case, the dynamics became such that I couldn't tell her even if I wanted too. It seemed like the relationship (!!!) would turn on its head if I did and I liked things the way they were. About a month ago I confessed to her finally that I loved her but, (and I think correctly) also that I didn't think it was enough or else I would not have put her through all the pain and hurt that I did over this 3-4 year period. Well, 15 days ago she gave me another ultimatum which I assumed was just another one in a series of them and told me (Indian society is conservative by nature and parents do not expect their daughters to be unmarried beyond a certain stage) that her parents were going to introduce her to this person whom she was to consider seriously. I, like a fool, told her to go ahead. She is the kind of person who can be very emotionally dependant and wants to always be holding hands and hugging or sitting in someone's lap etc. This person that she finally met with about 10 days ago is 30 year old chap and (according to her) is a very loving person. They met almost every night last week and she told me about him about how he holds her hand and says sweet things to her. Obviously you say sweet things to the person you are trying to woo. He left this Monday (he works in Amsterdam) when I finally called her again after a gap of 4-5 days. This is where my life turned upside down and everything just blew up. She told me that she like the guy extremely and she was considering him very seriously and might even be falling in love with him. She might even go to Amsterdam in October to spend about 10 more days with him to see how it goes. This just blew the wind right out of me. This happened on Tuesday. At that instant the prospect of losing her became a reality and I (again selfishly) told her she couldn't do it and she loved me. I can not imagine my life without her and I finally told her this also. I told her I loved her and yesterday I even asked her to marry me. It all seems like too little too late now. We had a 3 hour conversation yesterday and she kept telling me that she likes this guy. She said things which really hurt like when she woke last morning, she thought of him before she thought of me. She can picture his face better than mine etc etc. These things she said really hurt. I want the one to make her happy (or sad) and I want her to be the one to make me happy. She loved me for 4 years and falls in love with someone she meets for less than a week. When I asked her to marry me she said that she couldn't hurt this guy and that she has gone too far emotionally. I think she is just transferring her love onto him and considering she is wounded is easily floored by mushy stuff. After a lot of perusal, she asked me to give her 5 days to reconsider me where I am not supposed to call her or talk to her, whereas I know that she is exchanging emails with this other person. Right now I can not describe how I feel (miserable maybe and some might think deservedly) and can not sleep, eat, or think. I need any kind of advice anyone might have about this fairly long story. Also I needed to tell someone about this scenario which I haven't done so far so……. I am venting too. Apologies for making this post so long

Your observations are right on.......you have never apologized for the ##### you put me throught...##### i never deserved..now you can stew in your own juice.....be miseravle deservedly..or go and find someone else to harrass..you are making my life miserable..

[jacquee]

hi emma!! thanks a lot for the post. i know what u r saying is correct but she hadn't moved on till 15 days ago. now all of a sudden this person seems the kindest person to her. that is not enough is it?? and then why has she asked me to wait 5 days for her to ealuate the situation?? maybe she just wants to make me suffer like i made her hurt. but in my post i wrote only the worst parts of our relationship. for most of it, it was more than wonderful and we had the best times of our lives with each other. i hope she doesn't leave although by now (its the third day today!!) my hope is beginning to dwindle..... falling out of love is just as easy as falling into....so jaffe you are down and out..cause you are not sorry boy

[vader]

i can't begin to explain how sorry i am........