I'm just a couple days from really losing him

[LynnJ]

Please bear with me as I'm completely stressed-out and at lost. I hope to get some replies and not lectures nor sarcastic comments. I need help.

 

As the title of my thread states, I'm about to lose my 5 year-old BF. He recently found out (days ago) what happened during our 1st year of our relationship. Someone in my group of friends told him about it but that's not all. Someone else told me he has a source/evidence.

 

Short background: I screwed up once at a frat party by masterbating in front of a guy (watched him doing it too) and it lead to kissing too. I know there is still no excuse and will not blame it on the alcohol.

 

However, I have to be ready and know what I'll say in regards to this. Is there an argument I can create that will get me out of this mess?

 

Please don't start with the ''If you really love him, you never would have done it''. I'm really stressed out and possibly seconds from losing him.

Edited March 12, 2011 by LynnJ

[LynnJ]

What type of argument can I create? This would depend on what evidence he has. Wish there was someway out of this mess.

 

I need replies please. I didn't posted here for nothing.

[Rita86]

There is No argument here.

You simple need to start showing your SO some respect by first owning your mess and letting him decide what he wants.

But the fact that you are searching for an argument shows that you are only sorry you got caught.

[LynnJ]

There is No argument here.

You simple need to start showing your SO some respect by first owning your mess and letting him decide what he wants.

But the fact that you are searching for an argument shows that you are only sorry you got caught.

Rita I have been feeling trashy since that very same day. I left in disgust and vowed never to get that drunk ever again nor go to those frat parties.

I did everything I could in order to not hurt him.

[Rita86]

I honestly think there's not much you can do.

It really all depends on your bf's reaction.

[LynnJ]

I honestly think there's not much you can do.

It really all depends on your bf's reaction.

I guess so. It sucks that I'm about to lose him for one terrible mistake I made 4 years ago and haven't repeated it since.

[collegeguy_24]

Fact is, you lied about it, that is thats going to hurt him most.

 

However, if you tell him you truly regret it, and that all you want is him and only him and that you are willing to talk with him and to work with him to resolve this, then he may be willing to listen.

 

You have to be genuine, as his trust in you has been destroyed, but you have to show you are willing to work hard to earn it back. That may save your relationship, it may not.

[WorldIsYours]

Please bear with me as I'm completely stressed-out and at lost. I hope to get some replies and not lectures nor sarcastic comments. I need help.

 

You need advice and not validation. Your stress doesn't match what your BF is going through.

 

As the title of my thread states, I'm about to lose my 5 year-old BF. He recently found out (days ago) what happened during our 1st year of our relationship. Someone in my group of friends told him about it but that's not all. Someone else told me he has a source/evidence.

 

And it's probably best if you guys break up. You've been keeping a secret from him for years and now he's finding out from another source. Not even from your own mouth, so of course it's going to be a shock that you cheated, even if it was years ago. You've been gaslighting him for a long time.

 

Short background: I screwed up once at a frat party by masterbating in front of a guy (watched him doing it too) and it lead to kissing too. I know there is still no excuse and will not blame it on the alcohol.

 

No excuses.

 

However, I have to be ready and know what I'll say in regards to this. Is there an argument I can create that will get me out of this mess?

 

An argument? Seriously? Are you that immature and selfish? You say there is no excuses for your action, but you're trying to avoid the consequences. There is no argument for this long-term betrayal. You are acting like this because you got caught.

 

Please don't start with the ''If you really love him, you never would have done it''. I'm really stressed out and possibly seconds from losing him.

 

This is a public board so you can't tell us what to say, and quite frankly you need to hear that statement because it's true and you know it. If he decides to leave you it is a hard lesson learned. It's not his fault you did this to him and kept a secret from him so long.

 

Chances for recovery from cheating are low to zero. It may have been a long time ago for you, but it is a shock to him because you held this information from him for so long. If he asks you any questions about your cheating you need to be honest and don't hold anything back. He'll question your loyalty to him, and if you were really even faithful to him after your little "party."

[WorldIsYours]

I did everything I could in order to not hurt him.

 

No you did everything you could to save your own tail. You should've told him if you felt disgusted.

[WorldIsYours]

I guess so. It sucks that I'm about to lose him for one terrible mistake I made 4 years ago and haven't repeated it since.

 

Your statements tell a lot about you. About how you're the one going through stress and hard times when that is not true. Your boyfriend is the one hurting here and if you want him you would be remorseful for your actions. What you did was not a mistake either. It was intentional and you've consciously held it away from him for years. Again if he leaves, it's a hard lesson learned.

[jstobo]

Lynn - my advice is admit it to him NOW. Everything! Be as honest as you can be. He is probably going to lose it on you in some way. Whether it's uncontrollable crying or telling you to get the eff away from him. Be very empathetic. This is assuming you want to be with him still. He may say things to you he doesn't really mean, but he will be hurt, sad and angry. Let him say what he says and stay empathetic. Be transparent. He is not going to trust you. Get rid of passwords on your phone and e-mails. Let him look at them if he wants. He needs to see that it was a one time thing.

 

From there, let him decide if he wants to continue with you. IMO, that is the best way to get him through the rocked world he will live in for a while.

 

Be Empathetic!!

[Woggle]

Show true remorse and hope that he forgives you. Take full responsibility and don't do anything that look like blame shifting because if there is one thing a betrayed man hates it is being blamed for it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The fact that you've kept it secret for 4 = 5 years is not in your favor. Why would he believe that it only happened once? He knows that you've been caught only once, and that was many years ago.

 

Maybe you should date guys older than five years old? (JK!)

 

Anyway, time to talk openly and respect his decision about your relationship.

[LynnJ]

Ok so I'm told Wednesay will the day he'll confront about it. I heard he is gathering every source; the reason it's not done right away is because he wants to be calmed when explaining this to me so basically he is on the processing & gathering information stage right now. Well he has never yelled at me but shutting down and ignoring is his style when upset. However, he usually gets over it within hours but if it takes longer, then it means he's extremely angry or this can be converted into sadness.

 

I've been trying to get a hold of him but only get his mailbox or a busy signal.

No excuses.

Understandable and never once did I tried blaming this on alcohol. I stated on the previous post that it still wasn't an excuse.

An argument? Seriously? Are you that immature and selfish? You say there is no excuses for your action, but you're trying to avoid the consequences. There is no argument for this long-term betrayal. You are acting like this because you got caught.

I guess whatever he decides is my fate now.

This is a public board so you can't tell us what to say, and quite frankly you need to hear that statement because it's true and you know it. If he decides to leave you it is a hard lesson learned. It's not his fault you did this to him and kept a secret from him so long.

It is a public board but that still wouldn't give someone the right to downplay my sentences instead of being helpful and answer my question, not repeat what I shouldn't have done when it's already done. You're right though the decision is in his hands now and it probably always was since that day. I just hope he considers our years spend together and at least understands I'm not a serial cheater and the fact that I would have never done this if sober.

Chances for recovery from cheating are low to zero. It may have been a long time ago for you, but it is a shock to him because you held this information from him for so long. If he asks you any questions about your cheating you need to be honest and don't hold anything back. He'll question your loyalty to him, and if you were really even faithful to him after your little "party."

How long does it usually take (if he were to work on this with me) to get this back to always the way it was? I know very little about this and from what I heard, it likes around 1-3 years but I could be wrong.

 

 

Since I still have time, I was thinking of writing a letter explaining about that incident, all the whys or other questions he has will be listed there and write on the bottom, I'll state why he is the one and only I love.

Edited March 12, 2011 by LynnJ

[LynnJ]

Lynn - my advice is admit it to him NOW. Everything! Be as honest as you can be. He is probably going to lose it on you in some way. Whether it's uncontrollable crying or telling you to get the eff away from him. Be very empathetic. This is assuming you want to be with him still. He may say things to you he doesn't really mean, but he will be hurt, sad and angry. Let him say what he says and stay empathetic. Be transparent. He is not going to trust you. Get rid of passwords on your phone and e-mails. Let him look at them if he wants. He needs to see that it was a one time thing.

 

From there, let him decide if he wants to continue with you. IMO, that is the best way to get him through the rocked world he will live in for a while.

 

Be Empathetic!!

I'm going to write a letter about it so all my ideas come in order. I don't want to sound like I'm about to cry on Wednesday. He once told me about an ex he caught (literally in bed) and all she did was cried and he wasn't pleased about it not one bit. So basically he hates when someone does nothing but cries once confronted.

 

I just want him to know he's the one only and I've been trying to be the best GF possible.

Edited March 12, 2011 by LynnJ

[BlackHole]

Please bear with me as I'm completely stressed-out and at lost. I hope to get some replies and not lectures nor sarcastic comments. I need help.

 

As the title of my thread states, I'm about to lose my 5 year-old BF. He recently found out (days ago) what happened during our 1st year of our relationship. Someone in my group of friends told him about it but that's not all. Someone else told me he has a source/evidence.

 

Short background: I screwed up once at a frat party by masterbating in front of a guy (watched him doing it too) and it lead to kissing too. I know there is still no excuse and will not blame it on the alcohol.

 

However, I have to be ready and know what I'll say in regards to this. Is there an argument I can create that will get me out of this mess?

 

Please don't start with the ''If you really love him, you never would have done it''. I'm really stressed out and possibly seconds from losing him.

 

It's not like you just kissed a guy while dancing, you masturbated lol. I mean come on, that is pretty intense and hard to forget.

[whichwayisup]

Please bear with me as I'm completely stressed-out and at lost. I hope to get some replies and not lectures nor sarcastic comments. I need help.

 

As the title of my thread states, I'm about to lose my 5 year-old BF. He recently found out (days ago) what happened during our 1st year of our relationship. Someone in my group of friends told him about it but that's not all. Someone else told me he has a source/evidence.

 

Short background: I screwed up once at a frat party by masterbating in front of a guy (watched him doing it too) and it lead to kissing too. I know there is still no excuse and will not blame it on the alcohol.

 

However, I have to be ready and know what I'll say in regards to this. Is there an argument I can create that will get me out of this mess?

 

Please don't start with the ''If you really love him, you never would have done it''. I'm really stressed out and possibly seconds from losing him.

Consquences of this suck now, where as if you had told him years ago, then this wouldn't be happening. Sorry I know you're hurting and in a bad place.

 

Own it. Apologize, give him all the answers he needs. Do not deny or minimize it, justify it. Ask him to give you another chance. Work on you, do counselling. End friendship with the person who told him. (why after all this time did that person tell your boyfriend of 5 years? Something must have happened there..)

 

You can't "get out of this mess" as it's your mess you created years ago. Only way out to tell the truth and allow your boyfriend time and space to figure out what he wants to do next.

 

Counselling will help you figure out why you did what you did and why you didn't come clean years ago.

[ComputerJock]

What could be worse? A frat member that recognizes you and tells your boyfriend. It is better he hears it from you, else it will sound a lot worse from someone else and he will always felt you kept a secret from him.

[WorldIsYours]

It's not like you just kissed a guy while dancing, you masturbated lol. I mean come on, that is pretty intense and hard to forget.

 

If she kissed a guy while dancing it would still be wrong. I'm sure she wouldn't like him and someone woman grinding her juicy booty on his penis on the dance floor, then kiss each other after the music changes and tell each other how great it was.

[whichwayisup]

. I heard he is gathering every source; the reason it's not done right away is because he wants to be calmed when explaining this to me so basically he is on the processing & gathering information stage right now.

For his sake, I hope there isn't a video..You say he has evidence and is gathering from every source. How many sources are there, other than you and that guy? Or were there other people in the room too while this was going on? If that is the case, then be prepared (if there is a video) just to answer all his questions and let him react how he is going to react.

[WorldIsYours]

and let him react how he is going to react.

 

Hope he doesn't knock her lights out.

[Duckduckgoose]

If he dumps your ass its only what you deserve. If he doesn't and wants to keep working on your relationship you better seriously count your lucky stars.

[LynnJ]

For his sake, I hope there isn't a video..You say he has evidence and is gathering from every source. How many sources are there, other than you and that guy? Or were there other people in the room too while this was going on? If that is the case, then be prepared (if there is a video) just to answer all his questions and let him react how he is going to react.

I don't care anymore what source he has. I can't take it anymore! This mystery of him ready to confront me by Wednesday instead of right now as I would have done if he did the same thing is driving me crazy.

 

I have tried calling him a bunch of times and I've gotten nothing but an answering machine saying This box is full and cannot accept new message, goodbye.

 

Should I just drive to his place instead? I think whatever the results is, I'll accept it as it is.

However, I highly doubt he would have a video of this event. I don't recalled seeing frat members in that room. Still I do hope too it's not a video or pictures. If it is then I'll have no choice but to break up even if he were to still want to work this out.

[LynnJ]

End friendship with the person who told him. (why after all this time did that person tell your boyfriend of 5 years? Something must have happened there..)

The problem is I don't even know who told him. When I get my hands on her, she'll know my anger. I'm not going to beat her or anything like that but will cut her out of my life forever. I wouldn't betray a friend like that.

Counselling will help you figure out why you did what you did and why you didn't come clean years ago.

I know why I did it because I'm my own counselor (I'm studying to become a couple therapist). It was during a time we were having several arguments and I left crying. He used to be unbearable during the first year of our relationship and seem to be mainly occupied by work or used to canceled many of our dates.

I told my female friends about it and some of them were undergoing the same issue. It was then we all decided to go to a frat party and enjoy just to get this out of our system. That is what happened but I decided to bury this in the past and pretend it never happened. This was an argument I made with my girl friends.

 

However, afterwards I spoke to him about all of our problems (minus my cheating) and we've been working it out. Now that it has already been solve, I yet need to face this after several year. I guess whatever happens and if he wants me out of his life, then it shall be.

Edited March 14, 2011 by LynnJ

[Bryanp]

This is too much stress. I would go over to his place and deal with it immediately. It may not be as bad as you imagined.