Lauriebell82 Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 I guess I'm looking for some advise or encouragement or support..not quite sure. Anyway, husband got a new job in the town where I grew up (about 3 hours away from our city). His parents and sister live out that way, and we have wanted to move out there. I am happy, but the timing isn't really that great, as I JUST got promoted and now have to look for another job out there. I am scared to quit my job and move with him because I don't want to be unemployed again, and I think I will have an easier time getting a job if I already have one. I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. I voiced my "doubts" to my husband and he was very upset by this. We talked things out, but it's so hard to get excited about this right now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 One way to look at it is that, assuming this was a mutual decision for him to take this position, you'll be back in familiar territory and likely will have contacts in the community socially and/or for employment opportunities. If you and he wish to live the upwardly mobile lifestyle, job changes and relocation are a part of that. After a couple times, it will become routine. Do you expect job changes/reassignments for your H to continue or is this a one-time event? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 Change is scary, especially when it's unexpected..And it sounds like this is! LB, it'll be rough for a while, but I know everything will work out. Even if you quit your job, you will find something else in your new location. Obviously he knows you're going to be unemployed for a bit until you find something else, so he needs to be supportive and understanding about your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
knitwit Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Hi LB, I am more of a lurker, but I have followed your threads and just wanted to send out a hug. This has been quite a tumultous year for you, with job challenges, getting married (congrats!), surgery, & a promotion (congrats!!) Wow!! I can see how moving, another big change!, could really be un-nerving right now, even if it's something you want to do eventually. I say, go with your husband. If you end up being unemployed for a while, try to enjoy the time with him, with your family, meeting up with old friends. The economy is (supposedly) improving, so if you end up moving without a job, hopefully it won't take long to get one. It is easier to get a job while employed, but as was noted above, moving for a spouse's job is normal, and if you just got promoted then you must be doing a great job and can get a stellar recommendation from your current job. It will all work out. And (assuming you get along with the family) it's really nice to be close to family. My husband and I now live within 5 miles of both of our moms and his sister- it is fabulous, especially now that we are new parents. We have so much support! Even if the timing isn't great, I'll bet the move will be a good thing. You are just married and have so many great adventures to look forward to-my advice is to stick with him if you can (e.g., can live on one salary, don't have a house to sell) and tackle this new time (marriage, move) together. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I too hope that this was a joint initial agreement. Unilateral decision-making isn't a good idea within any relationship since there's a resentment backlash. I wouldn't move or give notice to your current employers until you find a job in that vicinity, unless your husband agrees that he won't harass you if you can't and will support you financially resentment free, until you do. The above advice is based on what you've posted about your relationship dynamic in the past and how he appears to view job, money and relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I don't understand.... Did you agree to move together before the job application process? Did you change your mind? I wouldn't consider staying behind. I'd deal with it if there were no other choice, but I see little joy in a long-distance marriage. Certainly, I get more joy and satisfaction from being with my H on a daily basis than having any particular job. That's why I married him! You stated your pov (fear of leaving your job). What is your H's pov? Why is he taking this job if you aren't on board? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Can I ask why your husband would look for and accept a job 3 hours away from where you both live and have setup home ? Was this decision to accept a job 3 hours away both of yours ? I will never understand moving away from a loved one.. chasing more money might never end... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 I don't understand.... Did you agree to move together before the job application process? Did you change your mind? I wouldn't consider staying behind. I'd deal with it if there were no other choice, but I see little joy in a long-distance marriage. Certainly, I get more joy and satisfaction from being with my H on a daily basis than having any particular job. That's why I married him! You stated your pov (fear of leaving your job). What is your H's pov? Why is he taking this job if you aren't on board? No, we always planned that I would stay here until I found a job. I was okay with it (or okay as I could be) but now it's actually sinking in that we are going to be apart. The long distance will be temporary, just until I can find a job. If I hadn't gone through a time period where I was unemployed and have a gap in my resume, I may consider moving with him and just quitting my job. But being unemployed was awful, it was just hell for me and I don't want to do it again. Yes, I would have my husband, but my career is important to me as well. Oh, and this was a joint decision, it's something we both want! I guess it's just scary because it's such a big change! Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 No, we always planned that I would stay here until I found a job. I was okay with it (or okay as I could be) but now it's actually sinking in that we are going to be apart. The long distance will be temporary, just until I can find a job. If I hadn't gone through a time period where I was unemployed and have a gap in my resume, I may consider moving with him and just quitting my job. But being unemployed was awful, it was just hell for me and I don't want to do it again. Yes, I would have my husband, but my career is important to me as well. Oh, and this was a joint decision, it's something we both want! I guess it's just scary because it's such a big change! As long as it's a joint decision you should be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 Can I ask why your husband would look for and accept a job 3 hours away from where you both live and have setup home ? Was this decision to accept a job 3 hours away both of yours ? I will never understand moving away from a loved one.. chasing more money might never end... Yes, the decision to accept was the job was both of our's. As I said in my OP, we have wanted to move there, it was planned more for a year or two from now (when we have children) but this job opportunity came along that looked promising for him and he liked the job. We aren't moving becuase of money, we are moving to be closer to family and because it's always been a dream of both of our's to live out there. I get to live in the town I grew up in, it's very exciting! I don't want to be away from him, but Im afraid I won't find another job if I quit, and I don't want to be unemployed... Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Is quitting now and moving with him out of the question? I think the best plan would be for you to move there, set up the home, get back in touch with family and search for a job on site. Do you fear that your husband would resent you if you weren't bringing in money? It can take months to find a job, what if you end up living apart for 4, 5, 6+ months? Unless there is no way around it and you can't afford it any other way, I see no reason o love apart for half of your first year as a married couple (or ever really). I think your husband should desire to have you around more than he should desire for you to be employed. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 But being unemployed was awful, it was just hell for me and I don't want to do it again. The strong feelings you have about being unemployed--I think a lot of us on this thread have similar feelings about being apart from our partners. You might find that it is even harder than being unemployed (or not). Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) Yes, the decision to accept was the job was both of our's. As I said in my OP, we have wanted to move there, it was planned more for a year or two from now (when we have children) but this job opportunity came along that looked promising for him and he liked the job. We aren't moving becuase of money, we are moving to be closer to family and because it's always been a dream of both of our's to live out there. I get to live in the town I grew up in, it's very exciting! I don't want to be away from him, but Im afraid I won't find another job if I quit, and I don't want to be unemployed... Well then.. it seems to me that there is not much downside.. Start looking for a job and if being apart is too much then consider moving without a job secured.. Edited March 13, 2011 by Art_Critic Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 The strong feelings you have about being unemployed--I think a lot of us on this thread have similar feelings about being apart from our partners. You might find that it is even harder than being unemployed (or not). Well, the first year 1/2 of our relationship was long distance, I was finishing my Masters degree about 2 hours away and we saw each other on weekends. It was hard, but we made it through. I think both scenerios are going to be hard, what my husband and I are trying to decide is which scenerio would be more "short term." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Yes, the decision to accept was the job was both of our's. As I said in my OP, we have wanted to move there, it was planned more for a year or two from now (when we have children) but this job opportunity came along that looked promising for him and he liked the job. We aren't moving becuase of money, we are moving to be closer to family and because it's always been a dream of both of our's to live out there. I get to live in the town I grew up in, it's very exciting! I don't want to be away from him, but Im afraid I won't find another job if I quit, and I don't want to be unemployed... Why do you think this? You're smart, hard working and have a good attitude. GO. Don't be apart from him. Take the time to settle in, get your house in order, look for a job too and enjoy the time you have. Once you start working again and life gets stressful, you might wish you had that time off. I'm just saying that this could be a good opportunity and you never know what's around the corner (dream job you don't know about yet).. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 When does he start his job LB? Surely you have known that he was planning to apply for the job in the new area for a while? Have you been looking for job vacancies in that area already? You should start looking now! When H and I decided where we wanted to live, we both looked for jobs in that area at the same time- I got a job first, so we moved together, as the time of year I got my job wasn't great timing for H, being a teacher. He applied for jobs once we had moved here. As an employer, I would definitely consider employing someone who quit their last job because their spouse had to relocate- this isn't going to be the same as the last gap in your CV- you're married, people move, it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I think the issue here is that the OP is saying that her last bout of unemployment made HER miserable. Her husband's joint decision to have her stay til she finds a job might be based on that, rather than any great need to have her earn her keep. If she truly would be miserable jobless I see little point in her quitting her job and following - it'd only cause resentment. Then again, I personally cannot understand how someone would be miserable jobless if they had a partner loving and supporting them, but I accept that everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Wanted to add- if you just got promoted LB, your resume is going to look good! I can't see why your current employer wouldn't give you a good reference if you are simply leaving your job for relocation reasons. E- LB was miserable last time because her employment prospects weren't as good as they are now. She now has some decent experience under her belt. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Laurie, I have been in a similar spot 3 different times during my marriage. And, it looks like we might be coming up on a 4th time soon. It's tough, I've been there! I do think you have a couple of things going for you though. First of all, it is only 3 hours. At the very worst, you and your H could see each other every weekend. During the week you could Skype and/or make sure you have plenty of minutes on your cell phone plan! And you could spend your weeknights apart looking for jobs. Hopefully, you will land a job soon. Think about it, with full-time jobs, how much time do you really have during the week together anyway? Secondly, if you really want to be back in your hometown, then this is your chance. Big changes like this rarely go to plan, like another poster said, and if living in your hometown is something that you and your H really want to do, then some sacrifices and adjustments are necessary. In this economy, it's a bit much to expect that the timing will be so perfect that both you and your H will land the perfect jobs at the same time. I understand how scary it is to be unemployed. It is truly a terrible feeling. I guess you will need to decide for YOU which is worse, being apart from your husband for a while or being unemployed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 When does he start his job LB? Surely you have known that he was planning to apply for the job in the new area for a while? Have you been looking for job vacancies in that area already? You should start looking now! My husband just found out he officially got the job on Thursday, it looked fairly good before that so I began putting in resumes a few days before he got the offer. He makes triple what I do so we needed to secure his job/income before I began applying in case I got a job first. There are less jobs out there that will pay him what he makes now..we lucked out with finding this big corporation! He starts on April 4th. It's funny, the different responses I'm getting are what has been on in my head the past few weeks. I know that the circumstances are different this time, I just got promoted and do have a good recommendation. The last time I was unemployed I had to tell potential employers that I was fired from my last job. I'm just conflicted right now, I don't know what to even think. Snowflower, what you said is exactly what my husband and I have been saying about the reasons why I should stay here. Ugh, I'm so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 It sounds like you should stay...."for now". Because you can change your mind and join him at any time (after giving adequate notice at work, of course), but you can't change your mind and go back if you go with him now. So stay, but maybe give yourself permission to change your mind and go at any point. Did that make sense at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 It sounds like you should stay...."for now". Because you can change your mind and join him at any time (after giving adequate notice at work, of course), but you can't change your mind and go back if you go with him now. So stay, but maybe give yourself permission to change your mind and go at any point. Did that make sense at all? This is exactly what my husband said! Thanks for all the responses. My husband and I talked and we came up with a few different options: 1) I stay here until I find a job 2) I stay here until our lease ends May 31st, and then move whether I have a job or not 3) I stay at my job until the end of April and put in my "last day" after I get back from visiting my friend in California (ticket is already booked, trip was planned prior to his applying for this job) All options involve us being apart, the 3rd option for the least amount of time. I'm leaning towards number 3! Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I've read some news articles that a lot of companies are discriminating against the unemployed. In fact some of them outright refuse to hire someone who is not currently working. Just something to chew on. Good luck and I hope the transition is as smooth as it can be. Link to post Share on other sites
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