Why are you still in contact with your exes?

[worldgonewrong]

The only reason why I'm in contact with my 'ex' is because we are still married AND we have kids. If the kids were not in the picture, I would not be making any contact.

As it is, I have to maintain LC with the wife and of course put the kids at the center of my universe (gladly so!!!).

[marqueemoon4]

The only reason why I'm in contact with my 'ex' is because we are still married AND we have kids. If the kids were not in the picture, I would not be making any contact.

As it is, I have to maintain LC with the wife and of course put the kids at the center of my universe (gladly so!!!).

 

Seriously, if I didn't have a son with my stbx I would never speak to her again. Ever.

[jeff2321]

Last year when she left it was so painful looking at her FB and trying to stay friends with her. She would put random comments on her FB about trying to get some cop to arrest her because she thought he was hot, etc. I would torture myself with texts/emails and by reading her FB all the time.

 

She basically made it look like she was so incredibly happy being away from me, when in reality I think it was a front. I think deep down she was sad she had to end the relationship the way she did.

 

I cut out all mutual friends ( most of them cut me out anyway ). I threw away all pictures, deleted all her emails, her contact info, everything. There isn't a shred of evidence left (except memories) that she existed in my life at this point. I even deleted my entire FaceBook account and removed her from my linkedin account. Every single tie to her I had, I removed from my life.

 

I have since moved to another place, got a new car, got a new TV, and a new job. I've completely rebuilt my life trying to get over this woman and I'm on my way to pulling it off.

 

I am not completely healed yet. I still have my down days, but one thing is certain -- I have no idea what she is doing, where she is, or if she even has a boyfriend or not. Ignorance is bliss! Dealing with the unknown is easier than knowing exactly what she is doing. I don't want to know, I don't care anymore.

 

Anyone here that deep down knows their relationship is over should implement NC. It will be hell starting out, but after a few months pass, you really start to feel better and you feel good about yourself because you had the courage to stay away from them after they hurt you so bad.

 

Cheers,

 

Jeff

[jquest1280]

It's no issue keeping in touch with an ex if you are the dumper, but as a DUMPEE, contact can bring on even for me already in the Acceptance stage, faint feelings of annoyance, anger, hurt, worthlessness, betrayal, etc etc.

 

I do stay in contact because we were already friends before, and we belong to a group that I don't want to alienate myself from, because he's in a profession that I could make use of his services in the future (at a huge discount, I'm hoping). I greet him birthdays, Christmas, New years and such. For such "planned" contact, I am emotionally prepared for whatever response. But for unplanned contact, such as unexpectedly seeing his picture with a girl in FB posted by someone else (he's not in FB himself), it can come as a bit of a shock, with the above negative feelings - they're faint, but still there. Am I still holding out some hope? - I suppose so, a little bit. Sigh.

[dressing up]

Anyone here that deep down knows their relationship is over should implement NC. It will be hell starting out, but after a few months pass, you really start to feel better and you feel good about yourself because you had the courage to stay away from them after they hurt you so bad.

 

Cheers,

 

Jeff

 

I don't think the guy friend was all that bad even though I was disappointed in him for something he did and I couldn't hang around him and his new relationship. Perhaps it made my going NC so difficult.

 

It's no issue keeping in touch with an ex if you are the dumper, but as a DUMPEE, contact can bring on even for me already in the Acceptance stage, faint feelings of annoyance, anger, hurt, worthlessness, betrayal, etc etc.

 

I do stay in contact because we were already friends before, and we belong to a group that I don't want to alienate myself from, because he's in a profession that I could make use of his services in the future (at a huge discount, I'm hoping). I greet him birthdays, Christmas, New years and such. For such "planned" contact, I am emotionally prepared for whatever response. But for unplanned contact, such as unexpectedly seeing his picture with a girl in FB posted by someone else (he's not in FB himself), it can come as a bit of a shock, with the above negative feelings - they're faint, but still there. Am I still holding out some hope? - I suppose so, a little bit. Sigh.

 

The holding out part. That's the worst. If I've given up hope on the guy friend, it would have been easier.

[cerridwen]

I'm done hating my ex.

 

We've been broken up since Oct.

Went NC for 1 month <--Smartest move ever.

 

He got back in contact and I relapsed some.

Built myself back up and am at 90% acceptance.

 

Answering his texts are easy because the hurt is simply gone.

I see him through completely different eyes.

He's not someone I'm interested in having a relationship with.

Ever.

I credit the NC month with helping me see that.

 

Ahhh....recovery

[dressing up]

I'm done hating my ex.

 

We've been broken up since Oct.

Went NC for 1 month <--Smartest move ever.

 

He got back in contact and I relapsed some.

Built myself back up and am at 90% acceptance.

 

Answering his texts are easy because the hurt is simply gone.

I see him through completely different eyes.

He's not someone I'm interested in having a relationship with.

Ever.

I credit the NC month with helping me see that.

 

Ahhh....recovery

 

It's sweet time. Hopefully I get there.

 

I wish I hated him or could see him with different eyes. I'm still fantasizing how it would be like if we were together.

[Emilia]

After reading some of the posts here, I find that quite a number of LSers are still in contact with their exes. I'm not judging. I just wonder how you guys do it. I have never become friends with any of my exes because I like things black and white and it's just too difficult to be around someone that doesn't love you back anymore or seeing them eventually fall in love with someone else.

 

How do you do the contact thing? And what do you hope to achieve from it?

 

well to me life is not black and white. just because you are not compatible with someone, it doesn't make them evil. if a guy treats me badly, I will cut contact with him forever but the others I keep in touch with.

 

my last ex refuses to talk to me but I'm hoping he will come around. he is in the Army, I found the whole lifestyle extremely hard to cope with and the anxiety about his safety too much. he went NC because he finds it easier to move on that way, since we never had any seriously big issues between us (well, apart from the Army) I'm hoping I'm not losing him forever, he is an amazing person.

 

you just learn dealing with ambiguity rather than thinking everything is clear cut. more often than not it isn't

[cerridwen]

It's sweet time. Hopefully I get there.

 

I wish I hated him or could see him with different eyes. I'm still fantasizing how it would be like if we were together.

 

OP, you can get there.

I may be all bluster and bravado now, but as recently as a month ago, I was a blubbering pile of mess.

 

Focusing on his negatives really, REALLY helps the fantasies.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Lil1]

After reading some of the posts here, I find that quite a number of LSers are still in contact with their exes. I'm not judging. I just wonder how you guys do it. I have never become friends with any of my exes because I like things black and white and it's just too difficult to be around someone that doesn't love you back anymore or seeing them eventually fall in love with someone else.

 

How do you do the contact thing? And what do you hope to achieve from it?

 

 

All of my exe's things (including his car) are still at my apt. I still keep contact with him because I want things to be civil between us, also because we still need to go through the inevitable separation of our things.

 

I also still keep in touch with him because I genuinely want to be his friend. I don't know if this will really work - I have always been of the opinion that you can't really stay friends with an ex because it wouldnt really be a true friendship (more like acquaintances). But I am trying to be open minded and see if a friendship could really work with him - even if it isnt a close friendship. I did care about this person very deeply once so if I can keep his friendship and we can be genuine with each other then the loss of our romantic relationship will not feel like such a loss, because I will have gained a friendship. Maybe this is wishful thinking but for now it seems to be working alright.

[jquest1280]

 

I also still keep in touch with him because I genuinely want to be his friend. I don't know if this will really work - I have always been of the opinion that you can't really stay friends with an ex because it wouldnt really be a true friendship (more like acquaintances). But I am trying to be open minded and see if a friendship could really work with him - even if it isnt a close friendship. I did care about this person very deeply once so if I can keep his friendship and we can be genuine with each other then the loss of our romantic relationship will not feel like such a loss, because I will have gained a friendship. Maybe this is wishful thinking but for now it seems to be working alright.

 

Gosh, memories, I said this once myself. But my ex (wise man that he is) said he didn't think we could be close friends. He's right. We're civil, sometimes even friendly, but now I too think we cannot be close friends, not until the very last drop of hope in me of us being together again is gone.

 

You may think you're all right with a friendship status, but wait till he's got his arms around another girl. If you truly feel nothing with that in front of you, THEN you can be friends with him.

 

Enough time has passed for me and I WISH I could see him with different eyes, like "ugh, whatever did I see in this guy"...but no matter how I focus on his negatives, the sight of him can still take a bit of my breath away..

[dressing up]

You may think you're all right with a friendship status, but wait till he's got his arms around another girl.

 

I can totally relate to this. It's the ultimate nightmare. I quit a platonic friendship because the guy friend recently got a girlfriend. I just can't be around him.

 

Enough time has passed for me and I WISH I could see him with different eyes, like "ugh, whatever did I see in this guy"...but no matter how I focus on his negatives, the sight of him can still take a bit of my breath away..

 

I would like to see him with those different eyes.

[dressing up]

OP, you can get there.

I may be all bluster and bravado now, but as recently as a month ago, I was a blubbering pile of mess.

 

Focusing on his negatives really, REALLY helps the fantasies.

 

Wishing you the best.

 

Maybe it's not so much the negatives or positives. I just miss him in general. Or maybe I'm not missing him, but the time when we were "close."

[Eeyore79]

I'm in touch with a guy who was a really good friend and a nice person, who I was never in love with and never really had a physical relationship with. It sometimes takes a while for an ex to let go, and I hate to be rude to a nice person by ignoring them, so I politely replied whenever he attempted to contact me. I think he's a lovely person but I usually don't stay in touch with exes, so our contact is gradually fading out. It's been a couple of years since we broke up, and we're now down to an email every few months, and will eventually lose touch. So I guess that isn't really keeping in touch with an ex, it's more like doing an extended fade-out so as not to be rude to someone who is really a nice person.

 

The other guy I stay in touch with is a whole different ball game. We were each other's first loves and have always stayed in touch since we were teenagers, and I anticipate that we will always continue to do so. His friendship has been a constant throughout my whole adult life, as we've both gone in and out of relationships, moved in with someone or got engaged and then broken up again, and even (in his case) had kids and split up with the other parent.

 

I don't think we'll ever get back together; we've hurt each other too much to ever make things work between us, he has some major flaws, and I certainly don't want to be stepmom to his kids. I don't hesitate to say that a part of me still loves him and always will, but I know that the man he has become isn't a good choice for a partner, so I tucked those teenage feelings of infatuation away and found real, grown-up love with a decent, trustworthy man who treats me well. But still I find it impossible to completely let him go; we've been in each other's lives for such a long time, and I think there's a curiosity to see how everything turns out for the other person - sort of like wondering who I'd be with if things had been different and we hadn't broken up.