jenny Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 picking up on hokey's point in another thread: i have to say my behaviour, attitudes, demeanor, and investment are pretty different since being engaged. i've lived with a guy before, but this is a different kitten, it just is. have any of you found this - that the fact of marriage totally changes your conception of who you are? my spending is different, my time is different, my cooking is different, my reading is different, even my wandering around is different. how did you change when engaged or married? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 how did you change when engaged or married? there really was no engagement period, as we eloped after dating off long-distance for a couple of years. But after we were married? Whew! I had to learn to be more considerate, because suddenly, every action I contemplated affected not just me. And you learn to view things with the other person in mind -- do I want to splurge on this thing for me, or can I use the money to do/get something that both of us will enjoy, stuff like that. But it's cool ... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 It is such a subtle change that I can't really identify it - but it is profound. I am still considerate of his feelings -- letting him know where I am and when to expect me, but it feels more of a courtesy for a friend now. Even though the lifestyle itself has not changed, I feel more free now that the divorce is proceeding. (I still think we will stay together as friends and may one day get remarried, it's a weird situation but it is working for us) I can do something for myself now, with no twinge of guilt about his needs or wants. I am slowly moving myself over him in my priority list. When we got engaged I began moving his wants and needs above my own and when we got married I kept his wants and needs above my own. I'm not saying I did nothing for myself - but he came first to me. I can't explain it right. But that little piece of paper does make a difference in my approach to life and in my reactions. It represents the investment, like a stock certificate. When we were at the JP waiting to go in, my husband stood up to get a newspaper. My mother, sis-in-law, and his best friend all jumped up and pushed him back into his seat. I didn't think anything of it, but they all thought he would bolt! Later he told me that he wouldn't bolt because he already had $25 invested in the liscense and JP fee and he wasn't going to waste that. In a way that is a capsule of our whole marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I didn't think anything of it, but they all thought he would bolt! that's kind of funny -- your trust in him was so strong you didn't give his actions a second thought, but they expected him to leave! Do we know our men, or what? I remember thinking, "why does he have tears in his eyes?" and "Boy, this was fast!" when Richard and I exchanged vows before the county clerk. Later, it hit me that he was serious about me being the last time he ever planned to marry -- he'd struck out at marriage before, as well as with the chick he lived with before meeting me. I'm not saying I did nothing for myself - but he came first to me. I can't explain it right. you kind of have to experience it personally for this to make sense, right, Hokey? You put them first, but you don't mind, because you care about their well-being so your own needs are a little less pressing. It's safe to say that this (being married) is unlike any relationship I've ever known, though my guess is that being a parent multiplies that feeling exponentially ... Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 marriage totally changes your conception of who you are Nothing has totally changed my conception of who I am. I have changed a lot over the years, but I've always felt it expanded my core perception of who I am, rather than changing it. Does that make sense? As for marriage, well we lived together for a decade first so no major changes, a little more comfortable perhaps. We only got married because we were having kids so the lack of expectation of change may have also had something to do with it. The biggest lifestyle change pre marriage was moving from living with friends to living as a couple alone. I found splitting from group living hard, isolating. I made severe demands on the relationship because I wasn't happy. It took me several months to sort myself out and for us to find a way to make it work. When We were having kids we had some great advice from a midwife about handling the lifestyle changes. She said we should try and get the kids to fit in with our lifestyle as much as possible, rather than trying to change ours to fit the new circumstances. That we knew what worked for us and should not let expectations define how we should do things simply because we were inexperienced. That we were not inexperienced when it came to how to live our lives. That the changes of having a child were big enough without making it more difficult than it need be. I think this advice applies equally well to marriage, or any lifestyle change that come with a set of socially defined expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Since I've been engagaed I don't think anything is changed. We have lived together for 6 years, we have all the bills, debts and mortgage as though we are already married. Other then some playful teasing. He'll say something like where's my supper woman? I'll return the response with a sarcastic right where it's always been and if you don't like that you can sleep in the garage. where just playing. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 We had lived together first as friends and then as a couple. He worried that getting married would change things for the worse. I said that if he feared at all that things would change for the worse, then he ought not consider marrying. It didn't. The commitment had already been made; the paper was only a formality. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Cool question jenny. It's something I've thought about. I've been living with my guy for about 2 1/2 years now. I experienced the changes you mention when we first began living together. We jumped right in, joint finances the lot. So it surely did change the way I spent money and planned things. And of course, all of the sudden my choices in life affected not just me, but him to. I'd lived with guys before, but I suppose the level of committment was nevery quite as deep, and I never shared finances. Therefore, the situation with my current partner felt new to me. It took me a while to adjust. For him however, it all seemed normal, because he had already been married to someone for 6 years, and was used to considering another, andmaking joint financial decisions and so on. Now, we talk of marriage, and I wonder what difference it will make. It is important to me...it seems like more than a piece of paper. Perhaps I am just looking for that extra security...the knowledge we are walking forward into the next phase. I probably also want that because I've felt insecure about his previous marriage and its meaning. Just being honest, but you all know me by now anyway! I also think about the psychological effects of using the terms "husband" and "wife". They are fairly loaded terms I think. I'm actually looking forward to it, although the idea of being someone's "wife" does kinda change my perception of who I am. Funny that it should, when we are already basically living as a married couple, without the bit of paper. Why is it, that those terms do carry such weight? Is it the images/expectations/definitions/traditions which society attaches to them? I guess so. In the end though, we define the terms ourselves, by the way we choose to live within those roles. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Why is it, that those terms do carry such weight? Is it the images/expectations/definitions/traditions which society attaches to them? That's a really excellent point, Thinkalot, and probably has much to do with how people view themselves as changed or not after marriage. I must admit that, to me, the idea of being someone's 'wife' was only ever ... well, 'cozy' is, I think, the word that conveys the feeling it gives me most. For me, it conjures up the sense of belonging with someone; that you two have declared yourselves to be a team/partnership with one another and you stand together to withstand whatever life is going to throw at you. I miss that feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 I think that is what I was trying to go after -- the public commitment to each other. Saying my boyfriend or girlfriend when you are talking about the person you are living with just seems more transient. It's like "oh, we are living together, but we have not made a formal commitment" and the old "tie that binds" is missing. Even in today's world where divorce is almost expected for a first-time couple, not having that public ceremony and public commitment and displaying that binding tie in public, either by a ring or by using 'husband' or 'wife' in conversation, it makes me feel that I'm not really bound to him, or him to me. We cannot lay claim to each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 Good point Hokey. I agree with it. Jenny, if you are still reading this thread, how does the idea of getting married make you feel...or actually change your perception of the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny Posted April 6, 2004 Author Share Posted April 6, 2004 hmmm....i would have to say i feel less afraid of people, isn't that weird? and i also feel like i have made a decision that requires a lot more work and sacrifice, which i am happy to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 I don't know Jenny.....it's all wonderful, relaxing and scary all at the same time. I DO KNOW that at the time....it's worth it. ALL the doubts and fears of the past which got you to today was worth it. The past is no longer your enemy...it was only a roadmap to PARADISE. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess ALL the doubts and fears of the past which got you to today was worth it. The past is no longer your enemy...it was only a roadmap to PARADISE. So nicely put Barbie. Link to post Share on other sites
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