BF is still mad about 8 months old cheating

[SocialButterfly]

I cheated on my BF of 2 years. I did everything with the OM except sex (though was about to) and got caught. Went to his house later on that day and ask for forgiveness. After so much pleading and crying, he agreed to take me back.

 

Everything has been ok so far until these past weeks. He has lately been acting distant and mean. This includes sarcastic comment such as ''So who else will you fool around with if I were to leave on a business trip again'' or things like ''Maybe you're not the girl I want to spend my life with''. He got drunk a couple days ago and completely ignored me by staying in his room and locking the door, not letting in.

 

Is there a way I can make him feel better or is this relationship doomed? Why was he so nice and forgiving for 8 months? Why is being now being mean if he said he forgave me (before)?

[Bryanp]

I have just a couple of questions. How would you be feeling now if the roles had been reversed? In addition, why did you engage in this behavior in the first place? The problem is that you did not confess and had to be caught. Your boyfriend probably feels it would still be going on if you had not been caught. Apparently you engaged in this behavior behind his back when he was on a business trip so of course he is now going to be insecure about leaving again on business. Once trust is broken it is very very difficult to retrieve it again.

[SocialButterfly]

I have just a couple of questions. How would you be feeling now if the roles had been reversed? In addition, why did you engage in this behavior in the first place? The problem is that you did not confess and had to be caught. Your boyfriend probably feels it would still be going on if you had not been caught. Apparently you engaged in this behavior behind his back when he was on a business trip so of course he is now going to be insecure about leaving again on business. Once trust is broken it is very very difficult to retrieve it again.

I completely understand what I did was wrong and feel disgusted at my own behavior. I would never do this again, even if placed under the same circumstances.

 

I cheated because at that moment, it was the feeling of being desperate that got into me. He was leaving on a business trip for 15 days and not seeing him was making me desperate. I missed him so much that I freaked out. At the same time, my female friend Jenny was also a bad influence. She would tell me the places onlines to seek dates and it went on from there. It was her idea.

Little did I know my BF wanted to surprise me on a date, the reason why he came back from the trip 3 days before.

 

What will take to convince him I'm for real this time and will not do this again? I already apologized so many times.

Edited March 13, 2011 by SocialButterfly

[Bryanp]

I am guessing that you must be very young. Your boyfriend was only going to be gone for two weeks. Why would you feel desperate and why would you get involved with other guys if you loved your boyfriend? It just does not make sense. Did you think that your boyfriend was going to cheat on you for those two weeks? If not then what gave you the idea that this would be acceptable behavior? If your boyfriend had not come home earlier, would you have been honest with him about what you did? Did he actually catch you with this other guy?

[spice4life]

I cheated on my BF of 2 years. I did everything with the OM except sex (though was about to) and got caught. Went to his house later on that day and ask for forgiveness. After so much pleading and crying, he agreed to take me back.

 

Everything has been ok so far until these past weeks. He has lately been acting distant and mean. This includes sarcastic comment such as ''So who else will you fool around with if I were to leave on a business trip again'' or things like ''Maybe you're not the girl I want to spend my life with''. He got drunk a couple days ago and completely ignored me by staying in his room and locking the door, not letting in.

 

Is there a way I can make him feel better or is this relationship doomed? Why was he so nice and forgiving for 8 months? Why is being now being mean if he said he forgave me (before)?

 

He probably feels like you are only sorry because you got caught. You need to work on showing him that isn't the reason you are sorry. That is why he feels insecure with you. He needs to know that you see what you did and why you did it and that you won't do it again. Show that it was you who realized it was wrong and took the necessary steps to correct the situation. It could take years to get his trust back, so be prepared.

[WorldIsYours]

You sound young and immature. He may need to leave you, since it's evidence you're not even remorseful for your actions. And it's only 8 months.

[SocialButterfly]

I am guessing that you must be very young. Your boyfriend was only going to be gone for two weeks. Why would you feel desperate and why would you get involved with other guys if you loved your boyfriend? It just does not make sense. Did you think that your boyfriend was going to cheat on you for those two weeks? If not then what gave you the idea that this would be acceptable behavior?

Yes I'm a young 19 year-old girl. I felt desperate when I didn't receive a call from him that day he left. He called 2 days later but I was already worried. As stated before, Jenny is a very bad influence. She was also in a relationship where the guy went on a business trip and promised he would come back within 2 weeks but he never did. She kept telling me how I shouldn't believe him, that he isn't coming back and I should meet other guys. I was led into meeting the other men, complete online strangers. So as you can see, I was in a real turmoil state of mind. I wasn't thinking clearly until I realized what I'd done but late.

If your boyfriend had not come home earlier, would you have been honest with him about what you did?

I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't being logical at the time.

Did he actually catch you with this other guy?

Well I was about to have sex with the OM (we were both very drunk too) and then there was a knock on the door. I got dressed as quickly as I could and opened it (OM followed me) and it was my BF. All hell broke loose by then and he yelled saying ''Who the **** is him, what's going on'' and he left not wanting to hear any explanation.

[SocialButterfly]

You sound young and immature. He may need to leave you, since it's evidence you're not even remorseful for your actions. And it's only 8 months.

I do regret it and really want to make him happy again. Why can't someone get my point of view that I won't cheat again? I would now feel disgusted to even think about cheating.

[WorldIsYours]

I do regret it and really want to make him happy again. Why can't someone get my point of view that I won't cheat again? I would now feel disgusted to even think about cheating.

 

But do you feel remorse? Because you're questioning his anger, which is very understandable, after only 8 months. If you want to make it work, let him be angry. You're the one who cheated and you can't take him getting mad and wonder if you're going to cheat again? There's no excuse for your behavior.

[SocialButterfly]

But do you feel remorse?

Yes, totally. If there was a way I can take it back, I would.

Because you're questioning his anger, which is very understandable, after only 8 months. If you want to make it work, let him be angry. You're the one who cheated and you can't take him getting mad and wonder if you're going to cheat again? There's no excuse for your behavior

It's not his anger I'm questioning. It's his complete change in attitude. How come he is now displaying anger and indifference but not during those 8 months? I'm questioning why now.

He was nice before and everything seem to be going well. He would kept saying he forgave me already and was still the same affectionated guy. Now it's like he's acting as if he doesn't even like me and being mean. He won't let me talk. Or if he's nice, it only last for a couple of hours and then he's mean again.

Edited March 13, 2011 by SocialButterfly

[WorldIsYours]

Yes, totally. If there was a way I can take it back, I would.

 

Okay so don't question his anger. He has a right to be pissed.

 

 

It's not his anger I'm questioning. It's his complete change in attitude. How come he is now displaying anger and indifference but not during those 8 months? I'm questioning why now.

He was nice before and everything seem to be going well. He would kept saying he forgave me already and was still the same affectionated guy.

 

Like I said you're questioning his anger after 8 months. Maybe he held in his anger initially and it's now starting to come out. Resentment.

 

But if you care, continue to be remorseful and make changes in yourself that will show him you won't be immature and cheat again. He didn't ask to be cheated on.

[fltc]

I do regret it and really want to make him happy again. Why can't someone get my point of view that I won't cheat again? I would now feel disgusted to even think about cheating.

 

Of course you're going to cheat again, your posts show that.

 

You should leave and find someone else who won't mind being cheated on or be more careful so you don't get caught cheating by your new BF.

[ReturnToSender]

I do regret it and really want to make him happy again. Why can't someone get my point of view that I won't cheat again? I would now feel disgusted to even think about cheating.

 

I cant speak for the others, but personally I cant get your point of view that you wont cheat again because you do not even accept the blame for it. You blame what you chose to do with your relationship on your friend..and soley on your friend.

 

Who cares if shes a bad influence, you alone are accountable for your actions..if you cannot accept that, then how can anyone, including your bf, trust what you will or wont do?

[eleanorhurting]

If you had not gotten caught, would you have confessed?

 

How do you know that given the chance you would not have done it again?

 

I cheated on my ex boyfriend 3 months ago and I confessed and he broke up with me.

 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry and beat myself up for it. I am going to counseling but I still feel like I am worthless for what I did. I feel like I live in a pit which I created for myself.

 

Although I regret what I did I am glad I told him and I am glad he broke up with me even though it is one of the most difficult things I have been through or have put anyone through.

 

I am learning my lesson the very, very hard way and I deserve all the suffering I am going through because I put him through a lot of suffering that no matter how badly he was treating me, he simply did not deserve. No one deserves that and much less because they did not call you one day.

 

People tell me that one day I will grow from this and be a better person. Whenever that day comes I know I will never, ever in my life even have a male friend in my next relationship, much less come close to cheating or anything like it.

 

I am glad your boyfriend forgave you and took you back and I wish I would have been that lucky but maybe you just have not realized the magnitude of your actions. It seems like you cheated, got caught, he took you back and then expected everything to be back to normal.

 

Have you considered going to counseling together?

[lenny]

Getting back to your original question about what could have caused the change ... my take on it ...

 

He has another business trip coming up (particularly since you said he even asked what happens when he goes on another trip).

 

He's been fine with the relationship and trusting you so long as he's constantly keeping tabs on you.

 

With a trip coming up he's feeling very insecure about what will happen while he's gone. This has caused him to evaluate the relationship as a whole and whether he can be with someone he can't trust if his back is turned.

 

Just a guess.

[Lilmisus]

I don't think there's any salvaging your relationship, even though you guys have tried. It died eight months ago when you cheated on him, and has barely been staying alive since, and I think he's probably had enough of it. Different things could have changed in these eight months. He could have seen you talking to some guy, another business trip is coming up, he could have found out about the websites or talked to someone about your cheating who told him "once a cheater, always a cheater." Regardless, he didn't have the sense to end things then (which he should have done), and I think he's going to be ending things now. If he doesn't, then there's still a huge chance that it'll end in the near future. All you can do is live and learn and know that you need to trust your S.O. and not your friend in the future. If he ends things, who could blame him? I would too if I found out I had been cheated on, and I'm sure you would do the same exact thing.

[SocialButterfly]

Like I said you're questioning his anger after 8 months. Maybe he held in his anger initially and it's now starting to come out. Resentment.

 

But if you care, continue to be remorseful and make changes in yourself that will show him you won't be immature and cheat again. He didn't ask to be cheated on.

I've being faithful these 8 months, hardly talk to Jenny (she even accepts part of the blame though it is all my fault) and long stopped talking to guys online so I made changes. I really love him and now can't picture myself with someone else. I learned my lesson already and will be the best GF ever.

Today he was nice for some hours and then distant again but said he still loves me.

Man I don't wanna lose him.

[SocialButterfly]

Of course you're going to cheat again, your posts show that.

 

You should leave and find someone else who won't mind being cheated on or be more careful so you don't get caught cheating by your new BF.

Wow you're so negative. Basically you're saying I can't change and will cheat all the time. I already learned my lesson and will not ever do this again. I even told both my mother and sister about it and got repriminded for that. They were in shock I would do something like this. Edited March 14, 2011 by SocialButterfly

[whichwayisup]

I completely understand what I did was wrong and feel disgusted at my own behavior. I would never do this again, even if placed under the same circumstances.

 

I cheated because at that moment, it was the feeling of being desperate that got into me. He was leaving on a business trip for 15 days and not seeing him was making me desperate. I missed him so much that I freaked out. At the same time, my female friend Jenny was also a bad influence. She would tell me the places onlines to seek dates and it went on from there. It was her idea.

Little did I know my BF wanted to surprise me on a date, the reason why he came back from the trip 3 days before.

 

What will take to convince him I'm for real this time and will not do this again? I already apologized so many times.

 

Parts I bolded.. You can say sorry a thousand times, it won't matter. It'll be your actions and your true remorse, your efforts to prove to him that counts.

GO to counselling and get help. First part I bolded..It isn't normal behaviour for someone to freak out like that and act out of desparation. WHY were you so desparate? And, cut "Jenny" out of your life since she influences you so much. Learn how to say NO and be your own person.

 

You didn't trust your boyfriend or the 2 years of a relationship with him.

[whichwayisup]

I've being faithful these 8 months, hardly talk to Jenny (she even accepts part of the blame though it is all my fault) and long stopped talking to guys online so I made changes. I really love him and now can't picture myself with someone else. I learned my lesson already and will be the best GF ever.

Today he was nice for some hours and then distant again but said he still loves me.

Man I don't wanna lose him.

 

DO counselling. Let him know you're working on "you" so you can be a better girlfriend, a better person.

[Chi townD]

Well, he caught you WITH the OM. Maybe it wasn't "in the act" but, he will always have images of you standing next to the OM. Those images just don't go away. He's gonna be on a roller coaster of emotions for a long time. There are gonna be things that trigger him. He'll be nice and happy, then he'll see something that will remind him of what you did, then he'll shut down again. This could go on for years, and he may wake up one morning and say, "this isn't worth it."

 

Remember, you did this. So, if he wants to be angry, let him be angry (as long as he isn't physical...then not okay) if he wants to be left alone. Tell him you understand and leave him alone. If he wants to talk about it, even if it's for the 100th time and you feel you're beating a dead horse. Let him talk about it. Answer his questions truthfully and honestly. You must be willing to endure a little hell if you want to keep him.

 

I might be wrong but, I got this feeling that it might have went a little further than what you're telling. I get the feeling that he interupted during (without either of you finishing...if you get my drift). My point is, if this is the case and he finds out, any progress that you to made will be completely gone and you'll be finished or back to square one. You need to be completely honest about this and hiding no secrets.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It's not his anger I'm questioning. It's his complete change in attitude. How come he is now displaying anger and indifference but not during those 8 months? I'm questioning why now.

He was nice before and everything seem to be going well. He would kept saying he forgave me already and was still the same affectionated guy. Now it's like he's acting as if he doesn't even like me and being mean. He won't let me talk. Or if he's nice, it only last for a couple of hours and then he's mean again.

 

Guys are slower at processing things emotionally. This has probably been building inside of him for 8 months.

 

Just forgiving you was probably a very kneejerk reaction. It sounds like you two have not worked anything out regarding this.

 

I think you still have a long way to go on this! You are going to have to talk to him and find out exactly how he feels... don't let him snowjob you into thinking everything is all right.

[spice4life]

Wow you're so negative. Basically you're saying I can't change and will cheat all the time. I already learned my lesson and will not ever do this again. I even told both my mother and sister about it and got repriminded for that. They were in shock I would do something like this.

 

What the other posters are saying is that it's easy to apologize a thousand times, but until you truly see HIS pain and feel it in your heart and gut, it will be hard for him to rebuild trust with you. You obviously haven't hit that point yet because you are going in circles trying to understand why he is still upset instead of just letting him be angry. If you had true remorse, you stop trying to convince him of anything and just let him vent out his anger about what happened and answer all of his questions. He may have questions for a long time and you will just have to be patient with him and answer them when he asks.

 

You will know true remorse when it happens. It will stop you in your tracks, you will see his pain and truly feel it with your heart. Being transparent, patient and offering reassurance will not exasperate you...instead you will have no problem doing these things, even if it takes years, to regain his trust back. That's true remorse.

 

You are not there yet. You have not truly seen the real "why" behind what you did and taken ownership of it. Believe me, when true remorse hits, you will know it...it's undeniable. I have been there.

[fltc]

Wow you're so negative. Basically you're saying I can't change and will cheat all the time.

 

No, YOU said that (or made it obvious!) Go back and read your posts.

[spice4life]

first of all, 8 months isn't crap. its still going to be raw to him.

 

second, I hope you aren't thinking his being "mean" is unwarranted. you have given him something to think about and now probably loathes the thought of going on business trips out of fear you are going to go out and get some strange while he is gone. thats on you, don't put it on him.

 

 

This makes a lot of sense. Socialbutterfly, you should ask him what he needs and wants from you to feel better about going away on a business trip. Ask what would show him that you can be trusted while he is away. And, tell him that you understand why he is upset and you will do whatever it takes to prove that you can be trusted. Then let him process it and come to you with an answer...if he feels like giving you one of course.