BF is still mad about 8 months old cheating

[reservoirdog1]

OP, neveragain1 is quite correct. 8 months to recover from learning your significant other has cheated is nothing. The recovery from cheating like that is measured in years, not months. And I suspect it's longer where he pretty much caught you in the act. The only thing that stopped him from getting a full-in-the-face ass picnic (yours or your OM's) was a closed door and the lack of a few extra minutes. The mental images like that, from what I understand, can never be erased.

 

Why has he become distant and, as you call it, "mean"? Because, over the past few months, and especially in the past few weeks, his sadness and shock have turned into anger. Which, for him, feels WAAAAAAAY better than sadness. Sadness is a killer -- it immobilizes you, and makes you want to crawl into a corner and die. Anger gets your heart going and makes you want to DO something, not just sit and get dragged under.

 

You should probably accept that it's more likely than not that your relationship will end, regardless of what you do. But if you want it to have any chance at all, you need to stop seeming like the victim, and start seeing things from HIS perspective, acknowledging and accepting how he's feeling and your responsibility for it. Go to counselling yourself (or with him, if he'll go). Make sure he has access to your email, Facebook, cell phone, voicemail, etc. any time he wants them. Cut off contact with Jenny, the enabler -- she's officially a cancer on your relationship. Presumably you already have no contact with the OM. Become a completely open book to your BF for as long as it takes, and do it willingly, without asking, and without complaint.

 

Be warned, this may ultimately be unsuccessful. But one thing's for sure: if you aren't willing to give it 100%, you might as well do the poor bastard a favour now and let him go.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Why he would ever take you back..i will never know

[SocialButterfly]

DO counselling. Let him know you're working on "you" so you can be a better girlfriend, a better person.

Thank you! I'll be going to a counselor starting Friday. It would have been cool going with my BF but he refused and said he'll go some other time.

[SocialButterfly]

Remember, you did this. So, if he wants to be angry, let him be angry (as long as he isn't physical...then not okay) if he wants to be left alone. Tell him you understand and leave him alone. If he wants to talk about it, even if it's for the 100th time and you feel you're beating a dead horse. Let him talk about it. Answer his questions truthfully and honestly. You must be willing to endure a little hell if you want to keep him.

I know and it's what I deserved. Most guys would have dump me on the spot for sure but yet he still wants me. I will regret this every day and what I put him through.

I just saw him crying today on a corner and he was trying to hide it. I tried comforting him but he wouldn't let me and just locked himself. After a while, he admitted to crying sometimes and said he's trying to forget it. He went on how he thought it was easy at first. I told him I would do everything possible to gain his trust back and that I won't ever do anything like that again.

You're right it will be a long way to go but it's all my fault. I caused this. What on earth was I thinking!!!

I might be wrong but, I got this feeling that it might have went a little further than what you're telling. I get the feeling that he interupted during (without either of you finishing...if you get my drift). My point is, if this is the case and he finds out, any progress that you to made will be completely gone and you'll be finished or back to square one. You need to be completely honest about this and hiding no secrets.

No I didn't slept with the OM. It was in underwears and him in boxers. I can't believe I was so stupid then. Every day I keep wishing to go back in time and say no his advances and no to Jenny and her wild lifestyle ideas.

[SocialButterfly]

?? and just what would've been your "explanation"?

I was drunk at that moment and say something like ''It's a friend I invited for a couple of drinks, just a couple of drinks''. I can't believe I said that and didn't went after him as he was leaving. The OM then left.

 

It took me several hours later to get sober and realized what happened. Afterwards I decided to drive to my BF's house.

[SocialButterfly]

Make sure he has access to your email, Facebook, cell phone, voicemail, etc. any time he wants them. Cut off contact with Jenny, the enabler -- she's officially a cancer on your relationship. Presumably you already have no contact with the OM. Become a completely open book to your BF for as long as it takes, and do it willingly, without asking, and without complaint.

He already has access to them. I don't mind at all. He can look through it whenever he wants to.

Why he would ever take you back..i will never know

I guess I was lucky. I know most would have left me. Edited March 16, 2011 by SocialButterfly

[WiltingReese]

Just reading this, my anger arises again. I got cheated on and will hate that bastard forever.

I'm sensing the OP's man either doesn't have any character at all (if so then very little) or he must be a really weak man. I think it would be a good idea for the OP to do him a favor and tell him to find someone else. It appears the man is too weak to do it himself.

I'm wondering if he even have self-esteem issues? If that's the case then I feel sorry for him. Poor guy.

[Yelle]

It's quite obvious that he is still in pain from your cheating. You can't expect someone to forgive you and move on from the experience within months, it may take years or perhaps he may never fully recover. The memories still haunts him.

[SocialButterfly]

well not only this, the guy probably can smell her bs a mile away.

 

As evidenced by what she has written, which I highlighted in my last post, she is going to try to bulls##t him(not own up to what she did and take responsibility, but bulls##t him and blame everything and someone else for her premeditated decision to bring a guy over she knew she was going to try to f###) and probably knows he is being bulls#tted

And who the do you think you are? God?

Just because you got cheated on doesn't mean you have to throw garbage on my thread.

If you want to express your anger and bad experience, go make your own thread. Not here.

For your information we want to make this work out. It's been talked and yes it's all my fault. What part of I made the biggest mistake in my life don't you understand?

I messed up big time but want to be a better person, better GF.

[cboy90]

I gotta say that I agree with neveragain.

 

This is what I get from everything and my view on it:

 

You invited this guy over with every intention of screwing him. Even before you had alcohol! So you can't blame it on that. If your friends can influence you that easy you shouldn't be friends with them. It's not your friends fault at all. You could have easily backed off. You went around searching for dates and found a guy and wanted to screw him!

 

You boyfriend was suppose to be gone for 15 days, and he came back 3 days earlier. So, that means in those 12 days he was gone, you found a guy, talked to him and invited him over and had EVERY intention of messing around with him. This was premeditated! Whether you say it or not. I'm a guy, and that is exactly what I would think if my girlfriend told me this.

 

Now, during my 3.5yr relationship with my ex I had lots of chances to cheat and screw tons of girls. My friends tried to influence me. And did I do it, no. Because I loved my ex. She was everything to me! Even though now she is gone, and if I knew it was coming, I still wouldn't cheat on her.

 

It sounds as if though your trying to find and easy way out. Your searching for an answer as to what to say to your boyfriend to make him want to stay with you. And to be honest, there isn't much you can do. He doesn't deserve a girl like you. At all! He deserves someone who loves him!

 

Now let me ask you this question: Had he not come back early and seen you in bed with another guy, do you think you still would have told him?

 

If he did this to you, how would you feel? How would you feel if you seen some girl in your bed with her underwear on getting ready to mount your boyfriend?

Edited March 17, 2011 by cboy90

[SocialButterfly]

You invited this guy over with every intention of screwing him. Even before you had alcohol! So you can't blame it on that. If your friends can influence you that easy you shouldn't be friends with them. It's not your friends fault at all. You could have easily backed off. You went around searching for dates and found a guy and wanted to screw him!?

I was in an absolute horrid state of mind at that moment and everything was happening about the same time.

It sounds as if though your trying to find and easy way out. Your searching for an answer as to what to say to your boyfriend to make him want to stay with you. And to be honest, there isn't much you can do. He doesn't deserve a girl like you. At all! He deserves someone who loves him!

No I just want to make him feel better and him to know I'll never do something like this again. I'll do everything it all for this to work out.

Now let me ask you this question: Had he not come back early and seen you in bed with another guy, do you think you still would have told him?

 

If he did this to you, how would you feel? How would you feel if you seen some girl in your bed with her underwear on getting ready to mount your boyfriend?

No he was outside knocking on my door (it was locked) while me and the OM were in the room. We got dressed up fast and I went across the hall, towards the door and answered it while the OM followed me. I recalled telling my BF at that moment that I invited OM for just some drinks. I was completely disorganized that it took me a while to get sober again.

As for how I would feel if it was him doing this, terrible off course. However, I would work it out if he was really sorry.

[SocialButterfly]

uh huh, and did you tell him the truth? that you brought the guy over because he was on a business trip and that you knew what would happen? because anything other than that is a lie.

 

 

 

 

the part where you brought the guy over with the express purpose of screwing around with him. thats not a mistake. you did that because you wanted to F the guy.

Alright, alright I get your point. To answer your question, yes I've been honest since that day I drove to his house asking for forgiveness. I told him about almost having sex with OM and how it was the biggest mistake in my way. After that I just broke down crying and kept saying sorry.

Where did you read that I was going to tell him something else. I already told him the ''just for drinks'' part when I was drunk at that moment. You can say stupid things while being drunk.

Yes there were questions he asked and I answered them one by one. After several days, it was really him that didn't want to ask further questions and kept saying ''It's ok, I forgave you already'' so if I wanted to explain more, he would change the topic.

His change has been recently but did I ever complained to him? No, I was only asking about it on this board. You didn't have to downplay my answers.

you know what, I might even be able to say it was a mess up if you were somewhere and got drunk or something.

 

but thats not what happened. again, this is what you said, it was premeditated and you planned on F'ing the guy:

 

I cheated because at that moment, it was the feeling of being desperate that got into me. He was leaving on a business trip for 15 days and not seeing him was making me desperate. I missed him so much that I freaked out. At the same time, my female friend Jenny was also a bad influence. She would tell me the places onlines to seek dates and it went on from there. It was her idea.

Little did I know my BF wanted to surprise me on a date, the reason why he came back from the trip 3 days before.

 

what part of THAT didn't you understand when you wrote it?

Making bad choices that you regret afterwards is a mistake too. I'm not trying to make excuses at all. I'm just telling what happened and how my state of mind was at that moment.

If I wasn't remorseful, I wouldn't even have driven to his house. That was almost 2 hours away and I'm really awful with directions (esp. if it's too far). I kept taking several wrong turns, asking people how to get there but I still made it and it was very late then. I got to his house around 1 AM.

Edited March 18, 2011 by SocialButterfly

[Yelle]

sorry there, but the garbage in this thread comes from you. you don't want to own up to what you did, you want to blame being drunk, and this friend of yours, for your actions. You want to feed your bf a line of bulls##t rather than just owning what you did.

 

again, you said: I cheated because at that moment, it was the feeling of being desperate that got into me. He was leaving on a business trip for 15 days and not seeing him was making me desperate. I missed him so much that I freaked out. At the same time, my female friend Jenny was also a bad influence. She would tell me the places onlines to seek dates and it went on from there. It was her idea.

Little did I know my BF wanted to surprise me on a date, the reason why he came back from the trip 3 days before.

 

then you are going to tell us you are going to tell him it was the booze? you want to continue lying to him, bs'ing him. It wasn't the booze, it was premeditated.

 

So be a woman. Own up to it with him. Tell him that you did bring him there with intentions of cheating. Because no man is going to sit there and listen to someone like you try to tell them that you did not bring a guy over for drinks and not expect anything to happen.

 

 

 

 

seems the truth is something you don't want to hear. i represent what your boyfriend thinks and feels, and I can tell you, if you spout that load of bunk that you told us you were going to tell him, he just might tell you to get out and give him the key.

 

but hey, go ahead, try to bulls##t him. from your description of him, he is one smart cookie and won't buy the bunk.

 

 

 

 

uh huh, and did you tell him the truth? that you brought the guy over because he was on a business trip and that you knew what would happen? because anything other than that is a lie.

 

 

 

 

the part where you brought the guy over with the express purpose of screwing around with him. thats not a mistake. you did that because you wanted to F the guy.

 

 

 

you know what, I might even be able to say it was a mess up if you were somewhere and got drunk or something.

 

but thats not what happened. again, this is what you said, it was premeditated and you planned on F'ing the guy:

 

I cheated because at that moment, it was the feeling of being desperate that got into me. He was leaving on a business trip for 15 days and not seeing him was making me desperate. I missed him so much that I freaked out. At the same time, my female friend Jenny was also a bad influence. She would tell me the places onlines to seek dates and it went on from there. It was her idea.

Little did I know my BF wanted to surprise me on a date, the reason why he came back from the trip 3 days before.

 

what part of THAT didn't you understand when you wrote it?

 

You are right on.

[P&R]

To be honest, Social Butterfly you still do not seem truely sorry for your actions. All I see is you doing is projecting the blame onto other people, and or substances.

 

My question to you, Social Butterfly is how can one truely be sorry if they don't truely acknowledge their wrong doings? While you keep insisting in this thread that you acknowledge that you did wrong, and are sorry, the other things you have said in this thread say otherwise.

 

Jenny or alcohol is not the one who drove you to cheat, it was you, and only you. Only when you come to terms with this and stop blaming others is when you can truely be sorry for your actions.

[cboy90]

I was in an absolute horrid state of mind at that moment and everything was happening about the same time.

 

Then you should have talked to your boyfriend about it. In my opinion 15 days isn't that long. When my ex moved about 300 miles away I would drive up to see her every 2 weeks. And we did this from Sept-Dec of 2009 before she moved back to where I lived in Jan. So you think you had it rough and were in a bad state of mind? Try only being able to see the person you love every 2 weeks for 3 days, and continue doing so for that period of time. Everytime I would get out of my truck and go to see her, she would run up to me and give me the biggest hug and kiss ever. We talked about all our problems together and that's how we got through it.

 

Seems like you may have communication issues with your boyfriend.

 

 

No I just want to make him feel better and him to know I'll never do something like this again. I'll do everything it all for this to work out.

 

He will NEVER forget what you did to him. EVER! He may forgive, but never forget.

 

Now since you are a girl and you cheated on guy, you should be asking the guys what we would want to her. I'm trying to help you out and fix what you did. I'm trying to put myself in your boyfriends shoes and tell you what I would want to hear from you to make it go away. So here it goes:

 

All this $hit about doing this and doing that for him is crap. You don't need to buy him this, and take him here and make him dinner. Your a couple and you should be doing stuff like that for him regardless. Likewise for him. What I would want to hear is the truth! Everything from start to finish! Sit him down and tell him everything from start to finish. From the moment your friend told you what site to look at, to talking to this guy, to inviting him over to getting caught. EVERY SINGLE DETAIL! He will have more respect for you if you are truthful.

 

What makes this ever more sick of a story is that your boyfriend was coming back to surprise you with a date! He LOVES you! And his present from you was seeing you with another guy! I can tell you right now if I seen that, I would never hate you or be mad at you, I would be absolutely disappointed and disgusted and would probably never trust you again.

 

Now, how your boyfriend refrained from choking this OM out is beyond me. I'm not a violent person, but if I seen what he seen I would probably end up in jail. I give him credit for handling it the way he did.

 

 

As for how I would feel if it was him doing this, terrible off course. However, I would work it out if he was really sorry.

 

Would you really?

[jnj express]

Hey Social---there is one thing you need to be working on,and that is the WHY you cheated

 

Your excuses of lonely, freaking out, and drunk---don't cut it

 

You had a BF, yet you invited another guy to your home, and messed around all the while KNOWING YOU WERE RIPPING THE HEART OF YOUR BF---you didn't think you would be caught is the bottom line of that episode

 

BUT---you need to find out why you did this at all----If you don't get into the deep down CORE WHY and fix it---you will cheat or do something weird everytime you stress

[BlackHole]

I cheated on my BF of 2 years. I did everything with the OM except sex (though was about to) and got caught. Went to his house later on that day and ask for forgiveness. After so much pleading and crying, he agreed to take me back.

 

Everything has been ok so far until these past weeks. He has lately been acting distant and mean. This includes sarcastic comment such as ''So who else will you fool around with if I were to leave on a business trip again'' or things like ''Maybe you're not the girl I want to spend my life with''. He got drunk a couple days ago and completely ignored me by staying in his room and locking the door, not letting in.

 

Is there a way I can make him feel better or is this relationship doomed? Why was he so nice and forgiving for 8 months? Why is being now being mean if he said he forgave me (before)?

 

 

Socialbutterfly, your screename is so appropriate lololol

[Kelemort]

I completely understand what I did was wrong and feel disgusted at my own behavior. I would never do this again, even if placed under the same circumstances.

 

I cheated because at that moment, it was the feeling of being desperate that got into me. He was leaving on a business trip for 15 days and not seeing him was making me desperate. I missed him so much that I freaked out. At the same time, my female friend Jenny was also a bad influence. She would tell me the places onlines to seek dates and it went on from there. It was her idea.

Little did I know my BF wanted to surprise me on a date, the reason why he came back from the trip 3 days before.

 

What will take to convince him I'm for real this time and will not do this again? I already apologized so many times.

 

 

Blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. That's all I'm reading in this message. It's your friend's fault. It's his fault for leaving for 15 days. I've got some advice: maybe taking accountability for your own actions and actually expressing sorrow, instead of justifying it or looking for someone to blame, can help him recover.

 

He's probably had a good handle on this for the past 8 months, but you can't hold up that facade forever. He doesn't trust you and the fact that he's leaving again is triggering them. You'll probably have to ride this one out and prove your trust to him over time.

 

But frankly the lack of maturity and honesty here is probably going to doom your relationship, and you will have no one to blame but yourself.

[Memphis Raines]

Blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. That's all I'm reading in this message. It's your friend's fault. It's his fault for leaving for 15 days. I've got some advice: maybe taking accountability for your own actions and actually expressing sorrow, instead of justifying it or looking for someone to blame, can help him recover.

 

He's probably had a good handle on this for the past 8 months, but you can't hold up that facade forever. He doesn't trust you and the fact that he's leaving again is triggering them.

 

 

and the last thing the guy needs when going on business trips is to have someone that cheats when he is gone. he would do well to end the relationship with SB and move on to someone he can trust won't be calling someone over for drinks when he is away.

[carhill]

OP, how old is your boyfriend?

 

Also, you can expect fluctuations in his emotions as he processes this event over time. If he seemed 'OK' for eight months, that's remarkable, considering the hurt involved. It gets processed somewhere, somehow, sometime. Perhaps now is that time.

 

Are your parents still alive and in your life?

[SocialButterfly]

Sorry for the delay, we're still working on this and I'm about to quit classes this semester. It's been nothing but mainly C's when I'd been an A student every year.

So you think you had it rough and were in a bad state of mind?

Yes I wasn't thinking clearly at that moment.

Likewise for him. What I would want to hear is the truth! Everything from start to finish! Sit him down and tell him everything from start to finish. From the moment your friend told you what site to look at, to talking to this guy, to inviting him over to getting caught. EVERY SINGLE DETAIL! He will have more respect for you if you are truthful.

I have told him in the beginning and recently. He has been asking questions and at times logs into my email. It seems to be getting a bit better as he doesn't hide his hurt any longer but damn, I regret it.

Now, how your boyfriend refrained from choking this OM out is beyond me. I'm not a violent person, but if I seen what he seen I would probably end up in jail. I give him credit for handling it the way he did.

I guess he's not into getting into fights.

Would you really?

Yes I would. I guess since I've cheated then I can see myself working it out than ending it.

[SocialButterfly]

OP, how old is your boyfriend?

He's 22 years old.

Are your parents still alive and in your life?

Yes but they don't live together. They've divorced for about 10 years but I would still see them both. Some days I was with my mother and others with my father.

[SocialButterfly]

and the last thing the guy needs when going on business trips is to have someone that cheats when he is gone. he would do well to end the relationship with SB and move on to someone he can trust won't be calling someone over for drinks when he is away.

I'll answer this later as you're not helping at all.

[drifter777]

And who the do you think you are? God?

Just because you got cheated on doesn't mean you have to throw garbage on my thread.

If you want to express your anger and bad experience, go make your own thread. Not here.

For your information we want to make this work out. It's been talked and yes it's all my fault. What part of I made the biggest mistake in my life don't you understand?

I messed up big time but want to be a better person, better GF.

 

 

You have sorta leaked out the pertinent facts a little at a time so its not hard to see why some people might think you are not being truthful. I will take everything you have said at your word and give you my thoughts.

 

When he seems distant, I think your boyfriend is re-living the incident over and over in his head and he's wondering how much you have left out of the story and imagining the worst. This is going to go on for a while - maybe for years. Since you are both so young and not yet married and there are no children involved, why go through this hell? It's harder than you think - harder than you can imagine so why not just leave and start over with a new guy?

[Memphis Raines]

I'll answer this later as you're not helping at all.

 

what I said is true. Your "boyfriend" doesn't need to be away on business and have to worry about what is going on back home.

 

if you cared about him, you end it. If he doesn't want to end it, then fine. its his decision.

 

and if he doesn't want to talk to you or he wants to end it, you need to respect his wishes.

 

you simply don't like hearing the truth. the answer is in his reactions. he knows he is going away on business and I can tell you he isn't looking forward to it. His mind will be preoccupied with what his so-called girlfriend is doing back home when he is to be concentrating on the purpose of the trip. and I'll say again, thats the last thing he needs.

 

but its obvious you don't care what he needs. only what you need.