BF is still mad about 8 months old cheating

[jnj express]

Hey SocButter----right now his sub-conscious is in control, and calling all the shots for him---AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO

 

You can stick around and try to ride it out by doing what any remorseful spouse needs to/would do---or you can leave and move on

 

What you have done is gonna stick in his mind for many years, especially if you are around, cuz you are probably the trigger

 

Seeing you in bed with the other guy---when he had such great plans to surprise the love of his life---you destroyed him---and his sub-conscious is not gonna let him forget

[SocialButterfly]

jnj express no he didn't exactly see me in bed with the OM. I was dressed up by the time I answered the door (the entrance door that is) but standing next to me was the OM.

 

I know it's going to take a while but think we can work it out and yes he just canceled a business trip. I've been going to church lately and keep on praying he recovers one day.

[SocialButterfly]

but its obvious you don't care what he needs. only what you need.

Well I answered all his questions, gave him access to my email account, facebook and he can check my cell phone. Are you saying I'm not doing anything at all? I lost track of how many times I've apologized.

[Kelemort]

You sound like you're immature and that you have self-esteem issues that need to be worked out. Is he your first boyfriend? Maybe that's why you're also out sowing your wild seeds. Judging by your posts and the blame you have placed in numerous places on your friend, I think it's best that you get out of this relationship and not get into any other ones in the immediate future. End it with an apology and an admission of the changes in yourself that you need to make.

 

You need to work on yourself and figure out why you feel compelled to cheat or why you distrust other people so much that you're willing to cheat as soon as they're out of your sight. If you can't place trust in people who have otherwise given you no reason NOT to trust, you have a problem that you must work on if you ever hope to have a happy, healthy and secure relationship.

 

And if this "Jenny" is really such a terrible influence, then you need to cut her out of your life. My feeling is that if you really thought her to be so awful, she would've been out of your life already. Instead, she serves as the perfect scapegoat whenever you get into trouble.

 

You're 19 - it's expected that you're going to be a little naive, immature, unaware, etc. But the fact is that you are dragging somebody else through your mud. You apologize, but your posts here indicate that you aren't sincere about it and it's always somebody else's fault. That's not going to work out in the real world, once you escape from the cradle of college. You're hopefully going to do a lot of growing over the next few years, and I think it would be best for you if you did that outside of a dedicated relationship.

 

And maybe that's what your boyfriend sees. Were your apologies something akin to, "I'm real sorry I cheated on you, but you know I was with that bad influence friend of mine, Jenny, and she told me you weren't going to come back to me, and she set me up on this dating site, so that's why I cheated?" Because that's certainly how your apologies read here. And with an apology like that, how couldn't he express his upset when he's heading off for another business trip? Is Jenny going to be in the room this time putting the condom on the guy and telling you to go for it?

 

Frankly, I think you've poisoned your relationship and nothing is going to change it unless you're able to firmly take accountability and change your actions over a long period of time. But I think that energy is going to be wasted, and you should really just end it.

[Memphis Raines]

Well I answered all his questions, gave him access to my email account, facebook and he can check my cell phone. Are you saying I'm not doing anything at all? I lost track of how many times I've apologized.

 

are you still telling him that your only motive for bringing him over was just for a drink and socializing? when the true motive is you wanted the guy?

[SocialButterfly]

Is he your first boyfriend?

No he's my 4th but I'm his first.

You need to work on yourself and figure out why you feel compelled to cheat or why you distrust other people so much that you're willing to cheat as soon as they're out of your sight.

There isn't a day that I don't think about what I did to him. Now I had a couple of sessions with a counselor. From what I get, this goes back to when I saw the first failed relationship, my parents' divorce and all the going from place to place, nothing stable. Maybe I was insecure at that moment when he left on the trip. At some point I thought he wasn't going to come back (he didn't called me that same day so I thought the worst) since I've never dealt with a BF going away on a business trip. After listening to my ex friend Jenny's sad story about how her ex never returned, I gave into it and felt more desperate.

And if this "Jenny" is really such a terrible influence, then you need to cut her out of your life.

I took her off facebook and don't answer if she calls me.

And maybe that's what your boyfriend sees. Were your apologies something akin to, "I'm real sorry I cheated on you, but you know I was with that bad influence friend of mine, Jenny, and she told me you weren't going to come back to me, and she set me up on this dating site, so that's why I cheated?"

I really meant it when I told him I wouldn't ever cheat again. If there was a way I can help him out and make him happy again, I would. The hurt in his expression is my constant reminder of what I did. Way before cheating on him, it might have been only infatuation (it was questionable in the beginning) but now it's love. I really love him.

[jnj express]

Hey soc butter---unfortunately---this isn't your game anymore---its his and his alone----you can show great remorse, grovel, be contrite say i love you till you are blue in the face---BUT that ain't gonna remove his vision of you with another guy in your apt. in the middle of the night

 

How do you know you won't do this again---words are nothing, its actions that count

 

You obviously had FOO problems, and early relationship problems, and so you really don't know how to act responsibly

 

Best thing for you in all reality is to end this---sow your wild oats till you are 25 yrs old---have no relationships in that time period---THEN AND ONLY THEN START TO GET SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT GUY----AT THAT POINT IN TIME YOU WILL MORE THAN LIKELY BE READY TO SETTLE DOWN, AND ALL THE WILDNESS SHOULD BE OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM---NO MATTER WHAT GOOD LUCK TO YOU---AND THE SUN WILL COME UP TOMORROW

[samsungxoxo]

are you still telling him that your only motive for bringing him over was just for a drink and socializing? when the true motive is you wanted the guy?

I think she should have kept telling him that version and kind of save herself, since he didn't actually caught her in the act, just with the guy next to her (he didn't really get to see when they were about to do it) but you can always invent anything.

If I were the OP, I think this would be my statement: Oh hey how are you, I would like to introduce you to my long distance cousin _____ and proceed on.....

Edited April 8, 2011 by samsungxoxo

[jnj express]

Hey sam--that's great, tell her to lie---make it even worse---your a great advise giver

[2sunny]

several things come into play as evidence justifying his anger:

 

you can't be happy for two weeks if he's gone - what happens if he travels again/longer?

 

he doesn't trust you - trust is earned - your actions haven't given him proof he can trust you.

 

you INTENDED to betray him. intent is everything... whether you did it or not is now beside the point.

 

you abused alcohol and are blaming your behavior on that. OWN your part in it - YOU chose to drink too much. news flash - a lot of alcohol makes people do STUPID things... they still have to own it as part of their moral being. you can't MAKE another person have a balanced moral compass... i think he's realizing that part.

 

since you blame other circumstances instead of owning how YOU participated - he questions the ability to trust you - and for that - he's mad at himself that he's still with you.

 

do him a favor... break up with him... at least until you have successfully had a complete change that shows by your actions that you can earn trust.

 

can you go a year without a man while you work on yourself through counseling? it would be the best gift to give yourself- and any other man you date after the year and counseling passes. you can emerge a better woman... and by doing that you can show your BF with your actions that time can go by without you trying to screw another man just because you need your ego feed and he's not around to do that for you. learn how to be happy on your own. it's a healthier way to live.

[samsungxoxo]

Hey sam--that's great, tell her to lie---make it even worse---your a great advise giver

It's already late for this plan to work out but it's what I would have done.

Then again, I'm single for the meantime and this would really depend on the guy. I'm sure not all of them would believe that story so I would then be relying on luck.

 

Nevermind... I think in reality only about 10% of the male population would have believe that story....

In this case, maybe I would have broken up and do an activity afterwards. If I'm a popular person then partying would be the option to get rid of the guilt. If I have few friends, then you would find me either reading a book, listening to music or probably attending a family reunion.... anything to keep me business from what I did.

[Memphis Raines]

I think she should have kept telling him that version and kind of save herself

 

sure, she is a cheater, why not keep lying to him as well. makes perfect sense:rolleyes:

 

 

since he didn't actually caught her in the act, just with the guy next to her (he didn't really get to see when they were about to do it) but you can always invent anything.

 

ya, thats a good relationship right there. inventing stories so you don't get caught cheating.

 

 

If I were the OP, I think this would be my statement: Oh hey how are you, I would like to introduce you to my long distance cousin _____ and proceed on.....

 

I'd swear this was all a joke above if I hadn't read your story.

[Memphis Raines]

It's already late for this plan to work out but it's what I would have done.

 

thats because you aren't fit for a committed relationship, and neither is the OP

 

if you have to cheat and/or lie, then you you don't need to be in a relationship.

[samsungxoxo]

thats because you aren't fit for a committed relationship, and neither is the OP.

Believe me I'm serious if involved in a committed relationship. I've been in a relationship when I was the OP's age (now I'm 24) but never cheated on him no more how angry he made me sometimes. I did used to flirt at times but it never got to the point of me kissing or doing sexual things with another dude.

 

Ok I'll admit to not knowing too much about relationships since it's been years of not getting laid.... I only have 1 single history... the one that took my V-card off course... and well we're now best friends. Currently I'm not really interested in dating. I still feel too young at times though I'm older than the OP.

 

I'm only saying what would have been my solution if I was in the OP's position but I would never cheat.

if you have to cheat and/or lie, then you you don't need to be in a relationship.

I agree that cheating gets you nowhere but lying.... come on, don't be sooo straight-laced and black-n-white about it... everyone tells a lie once in a while.

 

I didn't told my now ex (best friend now) about heavily flirting with my guy friend (my crush) at this sleepover. It was somewhat borderline between flirting and cheating.... but I didn't cheated. It's the same as saying ''I barely passed the exam''.... but passed it.

Edited April 8, 2011 by samsungxoxo