Lost and lonely

[sarah42]

I'm very, very upset. I've started a new job today and since I came home all I've done is cry. I feel lost and lonely. I tried hard to concentrate today on my new job but all I could think of was him. I'm desperate to talk to him. As some of you will know, I've applied this NO CONTACT rule. But I feel it's getting me nowhere. His friends have started talking to me but I've come across as confident and in control and don't care. I'm now questioning whether I'm doing the right thing in giving out this message to his friends. I'm beginning to think I should now ask his friends how he's doing and perhaps let them know I DO care about him. But I don't want to put his friends in an awkward position. I don't know WHAT to do for the best. Please help me, I'm low, very, very low. Should I talk to his friends about him or not. I don't trust what I'm thinking.

[sinkerswim]

Hi Sarah...

I really am right there with you with the pain.

I think you may be doing the right thing by displaying confidence with his friends.

Where do you see his friends at?

As for me, if I saw his friends, I would probably cry and ask why is he doing this to me? And try to get alot of answers if they had them.

So you are a strong person for that.

 

I want nothing more than to talk to my boyfriend/fiance. I havent seen him since Feb 3, and I havent talked to him since March 17th. Time before that was Valentines Day.

I really dont get anywhere when I talk to him. I keep getting "I dont know" for answers.

It is very heart wrenching. Him and I have been through everything together...

I sat and cried today at work as well.

So, I know how you are feeling.

I am sitting here thinking of all the memories we have, everything I have done for him that he appreciated so much.

Cooking him dinners, to going out for the night.

We had so much together...I was thrilled the day he asked me to marry him.

Now I feel like I am a loser...if my fiance doesnt want to be with me anymore...then who does?

I trusted him with all my heart.

We were together 8 years. People even told us we even resembled each other.

lol

So..I am feeling as sad and blue as you are.

I wonder how I am even getting by day to day without seeing him.

My worst fear has come true...being without him.

 

I often wonder if he is even thinking of me.

I just dont want him to hate me, either.

[sarah42]

Oh Sinkerswim

 

the pain is just too much. I want to just go to sleep and not wake up. I'm just not strong enough to cope with this. I've no-one to talk to. There just seems no point in going on any more. That's just the way I feel right now. I don't want a life without him. I don't understand how he could want to marry me and then not care about me any more. This no contact thing is getting to me. It isn't working any more. It's just no good people saying MOVE ON. I don't know how to. If I can't then I just CAN'T. I've searched deep within myself for strength and I'm not coming up with anything. I've tried the Samaritans but even they don't seem to care. I feel lower than I've ever felt before. Help!

[sinkerswim]

Sarah..

You can talk to me!! OK?

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING!

I have the same feelings as you.

I too, just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I secretly wish I would die to end this pain of not having him.

 

He was my future husband as well.

How can they do this to us?

All the memories we have shared with them. One day everything is fine...the next its gone.

He was my best friend... the one I told everything to.

We knew each other inside and out.

 

We can lean on each other...I am sure we will get through this.

Take it one day at a time, ok?

That is what my therapist tells me. We dont know what the future holds... that is very scary.

But I hold onto the hope that my boyfriend will have a change of heart...or at least sit and talk to me about what is going on.

I know I was controlling with him...but it pretty much equalled out by me doing everything for him. He always appreciated me.

He promised he would never leave me.

I feel like such a loser now.

My own fiance...the love of my life..doesnt want to be with me right now. How sad is that?

 

So..please Sarah... You can talk to me whenever you want, OK?

I have PM'ed you.

Take care.,.and dont do anything harsh.

Cry all you want. Talk all you need to.

I dont care if anyone is getting sick of me... we NEED TO GRIEVE!

We need to get out our feelings.

If I lived near you..I would say we could hang out and support each other. But we can do this through email or here.

[emeraldcity]

Hey guys,

 

I too know exactly what you are going through only I am now 8 months down the track and starting to function okay. I still have bad days, still cry alot and think about him, but I am trying to put this in a different perspective.

 

Part of the problem with still having hope that they will contact you (and i know its impossible to give up that hope because you cling to it) is that you aren't really accepting the end of the relationship and it makes it harder to let go and move on. I don't know how long it has been for both of you, but I would like to suggest using the few of us poor dumpees as a support group.

 

Anyway, I guess it just comes down to the big cliche, and that is that it takes time. Don't be too desperate to get out their and date again. It will take even more time before you are ready for that. I am at a stage where I really feel cynical towards men. I read these posts and wonder what the point is. No man is attractive to me right now.

 

Anyway, take care.

[Dixiecron]

Sarah,

 

Your post reminds me of a line from a Coldplay song: "No one said it would be easy, no one said it would be so hard"

 

Thing is, you can never go back. You can't go back to the way things were, not after what you've been through. So what direction is left?

 

No one said that no contact would be easy. It's one of the hardest things to do. Ever. But it sure as hell helps in the healing. I can honestly say that I'd rather be in a bar fight, alone, against a half dozen drunk psychotic bikers, than ever have to contemplate, let alone carry out, a no contact policy with a woman that I thought I was going to marry. But I'm doing it anyways, and I'm almost OK now. And I'm getting to be stronger than I ever have been before. But the cost of that was going through the same kind of days that you are having.

 

You know how I do it? Just breathe. Get up out of bed. Force yourself. Make a list of what you need to do for other people. Then make a list of the things you would like to do for yourself. A nice dinner, a drink, a bath, a good book, a walk around the block. One thing a day from each list...

[overseas2004]

If I remember correctly you were really proud of the fact that you did not grovel or beg. And I was proud when I heard your story as well.

 

I don't know the details of why you broke up. But it obviously was not something you wanted. It was something that he wanted. So now you must abide by the no contact rule. If he wants you he will find a way to get to you.

 

If not then you have your answer about how he felt about you.

 

I am going on no contact now for almost 4 weeks. But we broke up about two months ago. It still hurts like hell. He called me once and came over to see me about three weeks ago. I asked him if he was better off without our relationship. He cried a lot but he said "he did not know". So after that interlude I never called him again. It has hurt so much to do that. I was expecting he would call again. Instead nothing.

 

And now to top things off. I am moving. I am moving about 8,000 miles away. I want to call him so badly but I am going to stick to my guns and not do it. The logic behind it... well if he loved me he would feel the same way I do and realizing that he created the breakup conditions he would call. He hasn't === which believe it or not means he does not love me.

 

Same thing goes for your ex. Since you do deserve someone who loves you and needs you and wants to be with you. My advice is you are better off alone. And don't forget that. Even it hurts. So just move on and hold your head up high. YOu have done a marvelous job. and You should be proud. Dont even think about letting him know that you are hurting.

 

LoL

 

N

[tom_gbr]

i hear you all we are all in the same boat

 

i was only with my girlfriend for six months but we had the most amazing times together and she was my first love. i cant understand why we are not together and why she isnt missing me and contacting me. i cant sleep at niht because of all the things racing around in my head. i have to put a DVD on and try and fall asleep to that so i think of other things.

 

Im just trying to take everyday at a time, today was a bad one. only had 2 hours sleep, went into uni but caem straight back home again and got back into bed. i tried to sleep but couldnt.

 

i know shes going out clubbing tonight and thats killing me. shes been single for three weeks now and soon shes gonna be meeting new people

 

this sucks

[sarah42]

I WAS proud of the fact that I haven't grovelled or begged him. I still am. But it hurts. And I wonder if it would have been better to contact him. I just don't know anymore. I want to talk to him and ask him why he hurt me so badly. It just wasn't in his nature. We went out for 2 and a half years and he asked me to get engaged 6 weeks before he finished. He said he'd met someone else. Which means he'd being going out with someone only 4 weeks after he asked me to get engaged. How can anyone's feelings change that quickly. I know mine couldn't. Why can't he see that I deserved a better explanation than that. And he told me by phone too. He wouldn't let me go round to see him. He said he didn't want to see me upset. What changed so quickly. What happened, and WHY. I have to live with this and it's just not fair.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by sarah42

I want to talk to him and ask him why he hurt me so badly. It just wasn't in his nature...Why can't he see that I deserved a better explanation than that. And he told me by phone too. He wouldn't let me go round to see him. He said he didn't want to see me upset.

 

He's a coward and not much of a man. He couldn't even face you. Could you depend on someone like that to stand up FOR you, protect you? I couldn't.

 

The problem is, if you ask him why, he may turn around and try to blame it all on you. Not because it's true of course, but because he's a big coward and since he didn't give you an explanation to begin with, he's obviously not taking responsibility. He'll make up some bogus reasons that make it seem like it's all your fault. Then you're going to feel worse and wonder if he's right and doubt yourself. Don't do it. It's really not worth it.

 

When you ask questions like that, you rarely get an answer you're expecting. The answers are usually something you couldn't imagine, and most likely in this case, will be a lie. The real answer of why he did this is because he's an a**hole, a liar, a cheater, and a coward. Do you really need any other reasons?

 

I can imagine how hurt you must be. But you really are doing the right thing.

[socrgirl]

I totally feel for everyone. I thought I was the only one in this "no contact" situation, cried every night and didn't really feel like contact with friends/family. I haven't seen my boyfriend since January. I have talked to him the end of February, but that's the latest. Not to make everyone feel down, but I think I'm nearing the end of my time and am just going to break up with him. I still love him so much and we both knew from the minute we met we wanted to get married, but mentally, I don't think I can last. He told me that he needed time to think about us and get his life in order, which has been longer than January. He also uses the "I don't know" answer, which makes things worse, because I am completely lost and don't know what to do. If anyone needs support I am here. I hope that other people's relationships turn out better than mine has.

[calithin83]

hey guys..im in the same boat as all of you..it is really hard!!!! we all are in love and we all feel like we are in this dark tunnel unable to ever see the light!!

i feel that way so much, like im stuck feeling this way forever, and loving someone who doesnt love me anymore..and that ill see him move on and live happy while i remain here at the same state wishin he'd come back and tell me how much he loves me!!...its crazy..craziest thing and worst thing to ever face......

 

but gosh....too much pain isnt good..i dont want to be stuck in this forever...if he doesnt love me why do i keep loving him..it has to fade one day doesnt it???kinda like a person who stops eating..at first it hurts to not eat but then the stomach gets used to it where it no longer craves food...it sees food as nothing...and thats how it will be with us..maybe after a while of no longer recieving from them, and seeing how they dont love us..we will grow so used to it and tired that we wont crave there love anymore...and even if we were to get it back one day we would say no....ugh

[sinkerswim]

I guess all of us just have to take things one day at a time....one hour at a time if needed. Thats how I get by.

 

Of course, I cry every day. I look at pictures of him and I bawl my eyes out.

I question every day why he is NOT talking to me or giving me answers.

How does one ever get over that?

Something you have for 8 years...something very strong and special

and bam...they want nothing to do with you anymore.

I think this has GOT to be the worst feeling in the world besides death.

This is like the same thing.

 

So...we all have each other here to lean on...I know I count on coming to this website alot to get help and support.

[tom_gbr]

i had started the no contact rule from the wednesday just gone but it lasted one day and now things are worse than ever. in my drunken state thursday night i sent her a text msg saying that i was missing her....she didnt reply.

 

then friday night at around midnight i got a text msg from her saying that she was missing me...which i thought was very unfair on me as she knows my feelings for her havent changed at all...it just took my right back to square one

 

i didnt reply until yesterday...i told her it was unfair and its really messed me up that she sent me this message...i did say to her stupidly that she can text me if she ever feels like it but i never thought she would text me saying that shes missing me.

 

she replied to that message asking what i was on about and that i told her to text me and tell me if shes missing me....then she said that she understands and that she will never text me ever again!

 

number 1: who in there right mind wants there ex sending them texting messages saying that they miss you when they finished it?

 

and number 2: how comes ive come out of these text msg's feeling like im in the wrong?

 

ive text her twice since she sent me that last message explaining everything and she's not replying...ive gone right back to stage one...im hating this.....i think she hates me...i dont know what to do

[calithin83]

this really sux why are we letting these people take over all our energy while theyre just okay and they probably dont even worry and if they do its a dime size compared to us...gosh its rediculous...i called him today when i woke up and well he just told me that he was eating breakfast and that he would call me afterwards...30min have passed and he hasnt tried calling and i know hes done eating cos he even signed of his aim..i feel so dumb and my sleep is interupted as well as my whole day..i dont want to let this person take control of my life anymore..i want to move on but how do we go from sad, depressed and lonely and confused to feeling anger and not needing or wanting them? maybe if we say SCREW THEM and really mean it and make ourselves super duper busy..talking about busy imma go clean..cya

[Heartfelt]

I was feeling so down in the dumps the past 3 weeks until last week. When we stopped seeing each other, she told me on a friday that we should just stop talking on the phone and everything (but she's the one who called me btw, lol), but I hadn't talked to her in about 4 days and was really depressed. I started telling her how down I was and she said she feels that way too and she wants to move beyond it. I must have said something wrong because all of a sudden, she starts saying "I just want you to forget about me and forget any of this happened" then she said she had to go and hung up on me. I was shocked she said that. But suddenly I started to feel angry about it and realized how much I had been hurting over the last few weeks and couldn't believe she would say something so hurtful like that. So I was like, well, guess I need to try and "forget". Easier said than done right? But somehow that started lifting me out of my depression. I went out that night, went out saturday night, met this girl and went on a first date with her on sunday. It was a fun respectable date, neither of us rushing anything. But then I got a call tuesday and miss "forget me" who just wanted to "talk". I was very short with her and had an attitude and told her I just came home to change shirts and was on my way back out. I've never been short with her and was always eager to talk to her. So I could tell she was confused and surprised. She asked "Are you going out by yourself?" and I said "No, I've got a date...bye" and then I hung up.

 

Well, she called the next day crying her eyes out and telling me how much she loves me and asked me if I kissed that girl. I told her yes but it wasn't anything passionate, just a little goodnight kiss. It drove her crazy, and the part of me that had been hurting and pining over her got some satisfaction from it (bad stuff, I know, it's wrong but I couldn't help it). So now all of a sudden she wants to try to work things out again (this would be the 3rd time now).

 

I don't know how much I'm up to it because of all the hurt and pain I suffered. I've never done "on again, off again" before, so I'm inexperienced at it. I told her we could do it but she better never talk to me like she did that friday night and she needs to stop this leaving me, then wants me, then leaves again, then comes back. I told her my heart can't handle it. So right now, I'm just going through the motions. I'm not near as depressed as I was. I'm happy she wanted to try things out again, but my heart isn't getting into this too deeply this time. I can't take much of a risk until I see how serious she is.

 

 

 

 

 

So my advice is to get out and meet new people. It's amazing how much the one who broke up with you will come after you once they realize they may be losing you to someone else. If they really want you, they will come after you. It's up to you what you do. If you give in to their crying and decide to give things another chance, just be careful. And if it doesn't work out, keep the numbers of anyone you met so you can move on if you're broken up with again. Or you may find that you might be the one who will be breaking things off next time. I'm already beginning to feel like there just isn't enough staying power with this now. I fell in love with her at first and cried my eyes out when she left me, but I feel different inside this time. I guess it's some kind of defense mechanism kicking in.

[blondebarbie]

Hi guys,

 

I tried that route! It lasted for 2 months then I saw him because we have a son together! Now I am in agony! I wish I didn't bring my son down to see him! My son is seeing me cry everyday! And my son should be my 1st priority! I believe he still is! But I feel like I am not being strong enough for him! I can't sleep,eat, anxiety bad! I have called him about 10 times a day! I have spent time alone with him talking to him! Don't seem to be getting through to him!

 

I have been with this man for 13 years! never cheated! NEVER! and he accussed me of cheating but yet he has the girlfriend now that he had to admit to!

 

BUT I STILL WANT HIM BACK! Can someone explain that to me? I feel better today, I am not crying! For the first time in 3 weeks! But its not bedtime yet and that is when it hits me hard! The wondering! The why? How can he still say he loves me?

 

I have been there where I don't want to get up out of bed! I still don't but I do it for my son! I still have to talk to him everyday which makes it harder! Is he playing a game? Does he still love me? Is he just doing this to hurt me because he thinks I hurt him?

 

Don't know any answers to give to you, because I can't answer any for myself!

[calithin83]

I guess we are all feeling pain ...I am still talking to him..my bf...and well even though i go from ups to downs..im trying real hard to just think positive and believe in myself..its hard though cos i see myself running after him and how he just sits back and relax while im in so much pain sometimes because it gets on my nerves that i care so much and he barely does but then i think about it and realize that the reason he proabbly isnt caring as much is cos he doesnt need to, who needs to care and worry when thh other person is always there,and they know that person loves them despite everything..so maybe one day ill get so sick of it that i will GO..i wont even say anything, i will just go and maybe then he will finalyl see that im no longer there and come to his senses..but damn ..i just wish that day could be today were i can make up my mind and say "IVE HAD ENOUGH, im never seeing him or speaking to him again!!!.." ugh as for now imma keep my brain busy to avoid thoughts..imma go read and study right now..do something for me!

[sarah42]

Wow Heartfelt, that was really brave of you going out and meeting someone else. Good on you. I wish I could do that but I'm just not ready to. What I don't understand though is why some people who end a relationship then start to behave in an odd way when they see their ex 'moving on'. Is is jealousy? Is it because they don't like to see their ex with someone else, even though THEY ended it? I'm not sure if my ex has started to behave in this way. I don't see him to talk to, but I do see him and a couple of times he's run past me when he didn't have to. Was he trying to get me to notice him? I also talk to his friends (not about him though) and I wonder if he is jealous of this. But why would he be jealous when he finished with me? When I do see him, I stand tall and proud. Is this getting to him?

 

Barbie - I would love to know the answer as to why we want someone back who's hurt us. Common sense tells me to forget him but my heart just won't let me. I can't let go.

[Jamma]

I think that the person who decides to end a relationship has had the extra time to prepare themselves for what's happening. This means that it seems like they are handling it so much better than you are during the break up. My gf of four years who I have lived with for two, told me last monday that she wasn't happy and was going to be moving out...one long week later I'm just about holding it all together. I have got a lot of good friends who are helping me get on with life but its never easy....the pain is still raw.

 

I think the answer to your question about the person who ended the relationship then acting oddly if they see the other person getting on with their lives without them is them taking your reaction to it all for granted. They assume that you will fall to pieces and beg them to have you back and when this doesn't happen they don't like it. How can they be over me and moving on? They just don't expect that. Thats why sometimes the no contact approach can bring people back together because thay have to start chasing you. I don't think on the whole it is wise to take people back, the reason for you splitting up was big enough for it to happen once so it probably will again! Then again thats just my thoughts on it and I'm sure people will disagree.

 

I do think you are doing a lot better than you think Sarah42. You are a lot stronger than you think and seem to be handling the no contact rule very well. I have got that to look forward to as we are still sorting out moving out of the same house at the moment and so contact is unavoidable. I need to get out soon otherwise I will never move on.

 

Good luck to everybody in moving on and finding a BETTER love.

[tom_gbr]

i would like more than ever to try the no contact rule right now but im really not happy to start it in out current situation...her last text message to me was very blunt and not that friendley..she usually puts a kiss on the end and she didnt this time...she puts a kiss on the end of her messages to every1...if i start the no contact rule now im worried that ill never hear from her again and that she will completly forget about me.

 

im thinking of leaving it a couple of days and phoning her to see how she is and so on...try and have a good phone call, then try no contact. she knows for a fact that im not coping and finding this really hard and that im missin her

 

... im also thinking of going on a date with another girl and see how she takes it...not sure though of thats wise but it will show that im trying to move on and also it might scare her that im moving on and not chasing after her.

 

what do you think?

[Jamma]

tom_gbr I don't think you should go on a date if your intentions are solely to get a reaction off your gf, if you do want to go on the date to try and have some fun it may help you to move on, and good for you. Only you know all your reasons for the date. You need to take in to account the feelings of your date as well. Would you want to go on a date with somebody if you knew they were only doing to get a reaction out of an ex!

 

On the subject of the no contact I think you would be better to try and start it now. What will happen if you phone her one last time and it doesn't go well. I don't mean to sound heartless but there will always be that one last phone call just to......

 

If you want to be able to stay in touch with her in future which I'm guessing you do, you need to be careful of what you do now. You do not want to push her away. If she is finding it hard she knows where you are, she might need the space and time to sort her own feelings out. If her last message was blunt I don't think you should push it.

 

I know it is the hardest thing in the world not to get in touch with her, I have been there before and I'm going have to do again once I get out of the house we are living in. It will help you to move on if you can do it though.

[tom_gbr]

this is my first real love that i have lost so this no contact thing is soooo hard....im just not liking the fact that she could of had enough of me...i suppose i want her to phone her sometime this week because she is going out thursday night and im worried she will meet a guy or something....i know that sounds bad and that i need to let go but i hate the idea of her going out drinking while feeling angry with me.

 

it doesnt help that this holiday was important to us as we were going to spend two weeks together...it hurts like hell that right now she is sitting there at home on her own without me beside her...i was looking forward to the easter break so much and now im hating it. i just cant understand why she isnt thinking about me and wanting to get in contact with me...this was going to be our time together and now im not with her

[Jamma]

I don't think what you are saying sounds bad, but are feelings that everyone gets during a break up. At the moment she is all you can think about but that is totally understandable. I am not very good at handling this sort of thing myself and feel as if my whole world has just come crashing down around me, everything that was normal to me in my life isn't anymore.

 

You should get in touch with some friends and see if they want to go out for a drink or something else that you did before your gf. (Avoid going to somewhere your gf may be though). I have met up with my friends a few times, I didn't really feel like going out at the time, I made myself do it, and it did help me loads and helped take my mind off it a bit. Even if it stops you thinking about her for a few minutes it will help you. It just reminded me that I can still smile even if I didn't really feel like it.

 

I have found the time I have to spend alone to be the hardest and have been forcing myself to do things I really didn't want to do but they got me out of the house and made me think about other things.

 

Given time you will be able to think about other things, your thoughts will wander back to her, but eventually less and less.

 

If you do ring her before she goes out thursday you can't be sure that you won't make things worse, so just tread carefully. Be as strong as you can be and you will get through this, just put yourself first and and look after yourself.

[tom_gbr]

one good thing is that we live two hours apart so theres no chance in bumping into one another which is a good thing. yeah ill try and do something this thursday...not sure what yet and with who as all my mates are students and broke. there is this girl that i used to work with who wants to catch up and do something so i might ask her.

 

i have no idea what im gonna do about ringing her...every1 in here has said i should leave it and do no contact from now but im really not sure. when i spoke to her a week a go on the phone for the first time in ages it was a great converasation and she seemed really happy that i had rang her. but i did get a bit upset and had to finish the conversation.

 

i suposse i want a phone conversation like i had the last time i spoke to her but im not sure if i can have that right now