Mataria Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I actually got online looking for a chat room that can help me cope with my recent separation. I have been separated 2 days now. I have three kids. my husband of ten years told me two nights ago that he has been thinking about our relationship the last two weeks and he said he decided to be strong and end it. He wouldn't even consider trying to work things out. He said that he is tired of us always saying we should try to work things out. I freaked out. Our family has always been so close and our kids are our world. He told me that we can be friends about it and that would be the best for the kids. The less shock to their surroundings. It was hard for me but I was trying to be brave so I agreed. He says he will continue to pay the bills and the mortgage (which isn't even under my name). I had been a stay at home mom for 9 years, last year being my first back to work. My earnings are minimal, barely enough for groceries. I took care of our family while my husband finished his bachelors, and we agreed that after he got his degree, I would finish mine. Well after he got his degree and it was my turn, he said that it was my choice not to finish mine as he was finishing his, and he was going to do his Masters. I have been struggling to complete my degree and now have only 2 classes left. He told me there hasn't been much between us the last 10 years, no love. He keeps saying all these things and putting words in my mouth that I never said. He insists I have never loved him, and says even if I didn't say it he knows it is what I am thinking. My sister told me this is his way of coping and everybody copes differently. To not let him get me down, not listen to all the hurt he is throwing at me. It's hard not to listen, I feel inadequate as a mother, as a wife, as a person. I feel like I am not good enough for anything. This is humiliating to me. Two nights ago, I told him it was time to tell our kids that we were separating and he told me that I was going to ruin their night. He said he was going out with his friends to get 'fresh air' and left me all alone to tell our kids. He left me all alone to answer their questions and hug them endlessly all night. (Kids age 7-10) He stayed at his parents house, and did not come home until the next morning. He has cheated on me twice. Once when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child and another time about 3 years ago. He blamed me for his actions both times. Saying I don't sleep with him enough (Twice a day is good for him). It's hard for me to leave him because this is all I know. I do not want my kids to grow up in a broken home. We came to my parents house yesterday, they live 2 1/2 hours away and are staying the week (Spring Break) last night he didn't call to tell them goodnight. I'm worried about finances. I'm worried about people feeling sorry for us. I feel so alone even though I have my family's support. The last argument we got into he said that it was his house, he pays the bills and that I am lucky to be living in it. I do not want to ge the courts involved but I know I will need child support. I am not sure how much I could receive to see if we could live on it. I cannot afford a lawyer. I am so hurt and confused and it seems like this is all a bad dream. My kids are broken and I do not know how to help them. I know this is it and we will never get back together. I am trying to accept that because I do not want to. Him leaving now has brought up all of the past and the memories that I have buried deep. I am just not sure how he could have been so hateful. I asked him if he met somebody else, and he said no matter what I choose to believe that he hasn't. He said he is just done with this and wants out. I see now the little things that made him mad. Everytime he had an opinion about things he would get mad and say 'whatever' when I didn't agree. He would comment on the tv shows I watched and said I needed to watch shows with more substance. I don't even know what else to say, except please if anybody knows how to make it stop hurting let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 First off, get a lawyer and protect yourself. Don't let him step on you like this. Second, given his history with cheating I'd wager more than even odds that he is cheating again. I am truly sorry that this man is treating you and his family like this. You don't deserve it. Put him behind you and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Dad_of_3 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Made me well up reading about how you are feeling. You are NOT worthless, you are NOT any less of a woman, wife, human being over all this. Absolutely gets my goolies when people criticise on things that have no relevance. Does ut really maater to him what shows you watch? People like that sufferimg from there own self esteem issues need to wake up and go get help. Im writing this kind of early in the morning do eill come back to this a bit more. As for him not seeing anyone on the side, he must think the world is daft. When this extreme action comes abiut, more often than not they think they have something better. Some people are also just better liars. I will be back to write and hopefully help some more. But you are most certainly not alone. Take care of you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mataria Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 Thank you both for the support. I'm just so worried about everything. I know he has deeper problems that have stemmed from years before me. My older son has always been so quiet and I used to encourage him to make friends. My husband would always tell him that he just needs to concentrate on his school work that he doesn't need friends. That was an argument we had often and he would always say I was shallow for implying to my son that friends were important. It sounds very selfish to me but I want him to suffer for all he has done to myself and my kids. I think I am jsut angry now for the actions he did not take in helping me tell our kids or calling them to say goodnight. My daughter who is 7 and is very much a daddy's girl said last night that she felt sorry for him that he was sleeping all alone tonight. I had to bite my tongue and not tell her that was daddy's choice. I feel like I am making up excuses for him. In any other situation I would have told her that daddy is fine and he loves her very much and he is probably sleeping dreaming about her. I mean he walked out on me, it is not my job anymore to make excuses for him to make my kids comfortable. But this is what has me torn. I want the best for my kids. They seem to be doing a little better this morning, and although I have tons of homework to do, I have decided to make the day about them. I also think we need to talk about how they are feeling. I work at their elementary school and our counselor is amazing so I will see if she will pull them out of class next week to talk to them. I am also scared to go back to work next week as to everyone it seemed my husband and I had a really good relationship, which I thought as well. It will be humiliating to go back and face them. I'm already an emotional person and I had to leave work early friday because I couldn't stop crying. Of all the times, it is important to be at work everyday to build up my finances. We have 2 more months until summer break. I hope I can survive. Thanks again for taking the time to respond. A few days ago, I felt so alone as if I was the only person this has ever happened to. Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Looks like your marriage is over, now you need to think of the children and how the separation will affect them, it doesn't need to be hard on them, they'll probably be better off w/o tension between you and your ex. Try to maintain a friendship with ex, my ex and I managed to get along by initially discussion ONLY matters related to the children, that may work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 He said he was going out with his friends to get 'fresh air' and left me all alone to tell our kids. He left me all alone to answer their questions and hug them endlessly all night. (Kids age 7-10) He stayed at his parents house, and did not come home until the next morning. He has cheated on me twice. He's a piece of crap for doing this. He should have been there to talk to the kids with you. Coward!!!!! Family counselling has to happen. It'll help the kids adjust and give you all a place to talk and have support. Just be there for your kids. You are the stable parent, all the meanwhile it seems your soon to be ex IS involved with someone else. My guess is, that's why he wants out without trying to fix things. Link to post Share on other sites
rugbyplayer1990 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 I enjoyed reading your story, I would be interested to see how your doing 10 days later... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Oh yeah, he is doing the cheating thing. No BS, everytime my H turns into the Critcal-Vampire-Bastard, I know what is up. Another SA relapse. If you want the marriage at all, or really even if you don't and just want to feel a Hell of a lot better and make the bastard crawl just to kick him in the teeth, do the Divorcebusting 180. Seriously, they can't figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
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