Blueberry's Healing Log

[Blueberry7691]

This log will be used by me in order to heal the loss I feel.

My NC has been broken by me a few times so I have to start again. I think a diary/log will help me with my healing. Yesterday was NC Day 1.

 

NC Day 2 ... My attempt to heal and let go of a lost love.

 

I've finally realized that I need to feel the pain of the loss. It hurts so much that I keep running back so the pain can go away even for a bit.

I'm determined to feel the pain and live through it. Feel every ache of it and release it. The pain is a reminder that I felt love for someone. Even though, he is not good for me, I did love him. I think I must still love him or I wouldn't feel this pain.

 

I'm thinking of doing something as a symbol to let him go. Maybe write him a letter and burn it or something.

 

I want to reach out to him but now I understand why. As I write this, I'm struggling. I'm feeling empty, loss, and sadness.

 

Last night I couldn't sleep at all and I thought 'why hasn't he ever once said to me he wants to talk to me?' Not once. He avoids the topic of us. Typical i guess. But then I think, it really doesn't matter.

 

And he's had so many chances. Dummy. Oh well, back to my healing!!!

 

Dear J-

The few times I've reached out about nonsense was really because I was hurting and missing you. You had your chance to talk to me about us but knowing you, you were avoiding it, hoping we'd just go back like before. But that's not going to happen silly man.

I'm going to try my best not to contact you anymore. NOt because I don't want to but because I need to move on.

I think I do love you. I miss my friend. I miss talking to you every single day and sharing my life with you. It hurts badly and I know you're hurting too.

 

Oh, and that song you sent me was sad. I want to send you one back BUT, I haven't found one that expresses my feelings. So, I'm not.

 

I've come a loooong way but I feel I regressed contacting you. I need to keep going.

 

Hang tight. It's gonna be a crazy ride!!!

[Leandro]

This log will help you stick to NC. Hopefully.

 

The pain is ok to feel. Shows that your human and that you loved him. Nothing wrong with it. Just don't try to hide it. If you need to cry, go ahead and cry. If you need to punch something, punch a pillow.

 

The write a letter and burning isn't a bad idea. Just don't send it .

 

You'll be fine, just going to take some time

[Blueberry7691]

Thank you Leandro. Yesterday, I listened to sad music and cried like hell. It was liberating actually. I felt so much better.

[Blueberry7691]

Last night around 8p.m.,I saw he was on our utube account listening to breakup songs. I started to write 'Hi' then I deleted it thinking what good will it do? I need to move on.

 

From his song choices it seems like he's going through the same feelings I have. But I know him. He doesn't want to get over me. He wants to remember everything! He's such a thinker. That's not going to help him heal but I can't do anything about that.

 

I woke up at 3 a.m. last night and thought about him but it was better than the night before.

 

NC DAY 3

 

I feel okay today. Better than yesterday. Gonna keep going and remember to just feel whatever it is I feel and embrace it.

 

THIS SUCKS!

[Blueberry7691]

Well, been okay today, up and down... As I was driving, we were driving in opposite directions. He waved hi and I slowed down and placed my hand on the window but kept driving.

 

Oh boy.. I'm SO NOT over him!!! I was SOOO happy to see him. Haven't seen him in months.

 

I have a lot of healing to do but I'm glad I didn't text him like I usually have.

 

**SIGH**

 

Dear J-

Love ya!! xoxoxo

[Blueberry7691]

I'm pissed off right now. Reading back on our old emails/texts. He's such an A hole. Was he pretending to love me for 3 years? Give me a break.

 

YOU HAVE A F ED UP WAY OF SHOWING IT!!!

 

I'm done. I'm glad I'm doing NC. And to think yesterday I was happy to see him!!

 

I just don't get it. He listens to breakup songs, 'Hell on the Heart' and a whole bunch of other crap. Sends me Jason Aldean's WHY song yet he hasn't not once in 3 months reached out to talk about US when all we ever did was talk and talk and talk about EVERYTHING.

When I have reached out to him, he talks about whatever's on hand and THAT'S IT! THEN HE F ING DISAPPEARS!!!

 

F YOU!!!

 

Dear J-

 

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TAKING ME FOR GRANTED. FOR IGNORING ME AND GETTING BACK TO ME WHEN IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!

 

HOPE YOU ARE SUFFERING!!! YOU WILL NEVER EVER FIND ANYONE LIKE ME!!! JERK!

 

Let me not forget why I walked. GIVE ME A F ING BREAK!

[Blueberry7691]

I was Still a little pissed today but I'm also starting to feel indifference.

Why should I care when he doesn't.He's soo not worth my energy.

I just want to not Think about him so much because It's soo freaking annoying!!!

I bet When I really Don't give a crap, That's When I'll hear from him.By that time, it'll be TOO LATE!

 

Dear J

F YOU!! JERK! I'M SOOOO MOVING ON!!!

[Blueberry7691]

My feelings change from day to day and I wonder if it's normal.

This morning I'm feeling a little low.

I feel like reaching out to him and saying

WTF J!! Was it all a lie?'

Why do I even care.

I just want to get past the emotional roller coaster.

Hopefully I'll feel better today.Guess I need to change my Thinking.

[Thatguyintx]

My feelings change from day to day and I wonder if it's normal.

 

Very normal. May even change minute by minute!

 

Guess I need to change my Thinking.

That is so simple, but true. You cannot change your emotions, but you can change your thinking which will influence your emotions. It doesn't happen overnight. It usually happens slowly. And then you wake up one day and realize how far you have come and how much healing has taken place.

[Blueberry7691]

Very normal. May even change minute by minute!

 

That is so simple, but true. You cannot change your emotions, but you can change your thinking which will influence your emotions. It doesn't happen overnight. It usually happens slowly. And then you wake up one day and realize how far you have come and how much healing has taken place.

 

Thank you Thatguyintx.. I read your post when I was feeling low and it gave me conmfort. So, I just want to say THANKS!!!

[Blueberry7691]

NC DAY 8 was yesterday but I was too busy to log on and write.

I actually had a good day. Had a bridal shower to go to and started reading the book 'It's called a breakup because it's broken'.

 

WOW! What a great book. I have to say, I already knew the stuff I read in the book but just hearing it (or reading it) from someone else helps put things into perspective.

 

If anyone is going through a hard time with a breakup, it's worth reading this book!!!

 

I'm halfway through and already feel better. Granted, I don't know if I'll feel crappy later but right now, I'm feeling good!! I mean, who wants to be with someone who isn't meeting your needs or who doesn't fight for the relationship. We are worth so much more than THAT!!!

 

I know the book stresses 60 days of total NC. I'm sure I can do the NO calls/texting and facebook. But, me and my stupid ex share a Utube account and I have the habit of loggin on to see what songs he's listening too. That's going to be hard to give up. The good thing is, I don't have to add any songs so he won't know if I logged on or not. I'm going to try to stop logging on utube. The day will come!!

 

I'm feeling great!!! Thank you all for listening and for those who gave me a boost when I needed it. GET THE BOOK!!!

[BlindRage]

But, me and my stupid ex share a Utube account and I have the habit of loggin on to see what songs he's listening too. That's going to be hard to give up.

 

 

What the.... :confused: -double confusion- why would you share an account????? Aren't they free . Stop logging in and making excuses. Why would it matter to what he listens to? That in the long run will hold you back and I don't think you can honestly be classified as doing NC if you are keeping tabs on him. Don't contact him.. ever. Even if 30days pass. It'll just be awkward.

 

Best wishes! Its hard but if you want to really move on its a necessity.

Edited March 22, 2011 by BlindRage

[Thatguyintx]

Act like this is a divorce. Split everything and begin to live your life fully without him. If sharing that account holds you back, and you will know if it does, dump it. You need no reminders at this point.

 

You are doing great. The first few weeks are hard. It does get easier.

 

I stll have thoughts of my ex all the time (4 months full NC), but they aren't as strong and the feeling of "knowing" her is fading. I am slowly becoming my own self again. And it's a good feeling.

 

Have a great day today!

[Blueberry7691]

What the.... :confused: -double confusion- why would you share an account????? Aren't they free . Stop logging in and making excuses. Why would it matter to what he listens to? That in the long run will hold you back and I don't think you can honestly be classified as doing NC if you are keeping tabs on him. Don't contact him.. ever. Even if 30days pass. It'll just be awkward.

 

Best wishes! Its hard but if you want to really move on its a necessity.

 

I feel like you just yelled at me!!! LOL...

 

We opened a Utube account 3 years ago and shared it so that we could give each other songs. If we wanted each other to hear a song, we'd add it. We had our own Playlist of 'Our Songs'

 

It's a TOUGH habit to break since I've been logging on it for over 3 years!!! Wish I would've read your post this morning before I logged on to utube!!! LOL..

 

I know what you are saying is true. At least he doesn't know I was checking it so as far as he's concerned, it's NC Day 10.

 

This one is going to be hard but I'll do it and post my withdrawals here.

Thanks!!

[Blueberry7691]

Act like this is a divorce. Split everything and begin to live your life fully without him. If sharing that account holds you back, and you will know if it does, dump it. You need no reminders at this point.

 

You are doing great. The first few weeks are hard. It does get easier.

 

I stll have thoughts of my ex all the time (4 months full NC), but they aren't as strong and the feeling of "knowing" her is fading. I am slowly becoming my own self again. And it's a good feeling.

 

Have a great day today!

 

Well, I guess you're right that it holds me back. It's just a stupid reminder of our relationship. Like I said before, this will be a HARD habit to break!!!

 

That's great that you've been 4 months of full NC. I wonder how that feels!!! I'm looking forward to that. Congratulations and keep going!!!

[Blueberry7691]

Woke up feeling pretty good today. Glad the relationship is over!!!

I'm almost done reading that book. I love it!! I think I will read it over and over again.

 

I'm going to stop logging on to utube. Ugh!! That's going to be difficult because I know I will be tempted. I don't know why I want to know what he's listening to. Maybe I want to know if he's hurting. Does it really matter? Guess not. And I know the only way to fully heal is to wipe him out completely.

 

Thank you fellow LSers for your insight. It really helps!!!

[Blueberry7691]

I was good this morning until I heard depressing songs on the radio which made me freakin depressed!!! Guess I should leave the radio off for a while.

 

I haven't logged on that utube account. This will be Day 1 of that although I am tempted. Then I keep thinking, why don't I have the discipline to just stop? I do have it. I have to just do it!! I also think how disappointed I'll be in myself if I log on, and find that the jerk hasn't listened to anything so all that will be for nothing.

 

Gotta change my mood!!!

 

Reading other posts helps me a lot.

 

Let's see what today brings.

[BlindRage]

I was good this morning until I heard depressing songs on the radio which made me freakin depressed!!! Guess I should leave the radio off for a while.

 

I haven't logged on that utube account. This will be Day 1 of that although I am tempted. Then I keep thinking, why don't I have the discipline to just stop? I do have it. I have to just do it!! I also think how disappointed I'll be in myself if I log on, and find that the jerk hasn't listened to anything so all that will be for nothing.

 

Gotta change my mood!!!

 

Reading other posts helps me a lot.

 

Let's see what today brings.

 

 

 

I've been there! -well the radio depression-. What I did was switched to talk radio and not the music, it helped. GOOD! Get your own account and make new playlist that motivate you in your life and strive you to do better for yourself

 

Look just keep a positive attitude, you WILL rise above this, believe me.. Its possible. Distance yourself from anything that tempts you into anything with him.

[Blueberry7691]

I've been there! -well the radio depression-. What I did was switched to talk radio and not the music, it helped. GOOD! Get your own account and make new playlist that motivate you in your life and strive you to do better for yourself

 

Look just keep a positive attitude, you WILL rise above this, believe me.. Its possible. Distance yourself from anything that tempts you into anything with him.

 

Thanks! I know I'll rise above this. I just wish it was today!!!

I decided to turn OFF my radio completely until I'm stronger.

[Blueberry7691]

Yesterday SUCKED!!! I was sooo depressed. I made myself listen to depressing music which only made me cry. I wanted so badly to reach out to him but I didn't. WHEW!!

 

Feeling better today. I think I'm hormonal and I'm wondering if in a few days my depression will go away. I hope so.

 

Well today is exactly 12 weeks I broke it off with him. I keep reading on LS how the dumpees think the dumpers are fine going on with their lives.

I was the dumper BUT I dumped him because of the way he was treating me. It doesn't mean I didn't love him or want to be with him.

 

The jerk was ignoring me. I didn't hear from him xmas eve and when I texted him xmas day, he didn't get back to me until the following day in the afternoon!!! HELLO? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT OR WHAT?

We didn't have concrete plans to celebrate the holidays like we usually did. It's like it wasn't important to him. I WASN'T IMPORTANT to him. He lacked everything...enthusiasm, attention, and support. And when I told him I was hurting,...well, what did he do??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

 

Well, that's when I decided I'm done!

 

So, just because I'm the dumper doesn't mean life is grand without the jerk. I do miss him. I wanted him to care, to fight for me, for us, but he never did. 3 months have gone by and that's it. I guess he didn't give a crap after all.

[Blueberry7691]

I'm feeling sooo much better today. After reading my last entry yesterday, I was annoyed and pissed. Why should I cry over an idiot who doesn't give a crap.

 

Today I woke up feeling good. I'm not even thinking about him as much. What's to dwell on? Time for me to move on!!!

[Blueberry7691]

The past few days have been really good. I def. think my hormones got the best of me last week.

 

I feel soooo much better. I feel more indifference now. I only pray it continues. I just don't care anymore. I'm glad it's over and I have no intention on reaching out to him. Life does go on!!

 

I'm really happy that I'm not even thinking about him as much as before. It's crazy but I've notice that he only pops in my mind a few times a day and only for a couple of minutes. When I do think of him, it's more like a reality check and i think 'hey, I haven't though about him!' and it feels great!!!

[Blueberry7691]

So... I was doing pretty good with NC!!! I made it through a complete 4 weeks!!! That's my record. But then... I F ed up! I logged on to an old email address and read a few texts he sent me over a month ago which I didn't get bc I stopped loggin into the email.

 

I stupidly responded to him. WTF was I thinking? It was an impulse I gave in to. Anyway, he told me he sent those texts/emails over a month ago (so I guess he's counting too!) but then he asked me how's everthing? how's the family?

 

I answered and asked him the same and he said things with him are 'ok' and he filled me in on what he's doing (nothing special).

 

Later, I sent him a pix of my doggie. ... You think I would've retreated and went back to NC but NO... I wanted more contact!! So, he responds to my doggie pix and says something like 'Maybe 1 day we can meet at the park and let the dogs play with each other'. So, I didn't directly respond to THAT but I asked which park he goes to, he told me. Then he told me how his dog hates being walked on a leash. I responded to that by 'LMAO' and then ..... NOTHING. Didn't hear from him again.

 

Hmm..was he busy? Was he still at work? I don't know. And does it matter? NOPE!!!

 

Do I regret making contact? YES!!! Now, I'm at day 2.

 

The weird thing is, 'talking/texting' him didn't feel good. I felt like he was the same person, but I felt myself being distant. Watching what I would say.I just didn't feel connected to him. I also said to myself 'I'm glad it's over. i'm free'.

 

So, I don't really undertand why I wanted contact when all along I've wanted out of this relationship and I certainly don't want back in.

 

I'm happy for my freedom, for having my life back. But I can't seem to shake him out of my head. Sometimes, I have days where I only think of him for a split second, and other days, like recently, he's on my mind more often. It's the constant thoughts that bug me. Enough already!!!

 

I was ashamed to post this. Felt like a failure at NC. But I guess I should be easier with myself.

 

NC definitely makes me feel stronger. I don't have to deal with new drama. Don't have to care about where he is or what he's doing. I can do anything I want to. Take care of myself and be my #1 friend.

 

This has not been an easy ride. It's been about 3 1/2 months since the breakup (I'm not counting anymore). I just wished I wouldn't have any thoughts of him. I wish it would take less time to heal. Because I really think, I'm not healed. I'm not over it or him even though I don't want him back. It's confusing. I need therapy!

[Blueberry7691]

I'm going to try to make an effort to post here daily. I think it will help.

I deleted that old email address I used to text him the other day. If he texts me there, I hope he gets a response saying my account is closed.

 

Anyway, I read 'It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken'. It's a great book!! I read it once, skimmed it twice, and still broke NC. According to the book, I have to stay NC for 60 DAYS. That's the magic number.

 

It was my own fault for breaking NC because I acted on impulse instead of stepping back, and thinking things through. I hope if there is a next time, I take the time, to THINK!!! Sometimes I think I'm my own worse enemy.

 

I highlighted some of my favorite parts of the book and I'm going to post them from time to time so I can reflect on it.

 

'sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable even if they're bad for us. A lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is actually fear. Fear of things being different than how you liked them, fear of never finding another love, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill your time differently. We're afraid of the unknown..... The longer you stay stuck in a dead-end relationship or spend your days mourning one, the less time you get on this planet to experience a great one.'

 

For me, I don't think I have fear of the unknown but I do think that I'm holding on or was holding on (not sure) because it's safe and predictable!!

[Blueberry7691]

I'm not sure what NC day it is for me today. I lost track.

 

I've been pretty busy these past few days so I've been feeling really good.

 

Last Friday, we saw each other again as we drove past each other. He waved.

 

The funny thing is, after I saw him, I hardly thought about him. Go figure.

 

I still say to myself, that I'm glad it's over. I just hope I don't get a relapse and miss him or feel like reaching out. It's getting tiring.

 

Time to go to the gym!