Blueberry's Healing Log

[Fufu]

Wowza, you are doing great Keep it up ^_^

[Blueberry7691]

Wowza, you are doing great Keep it up ^_^

 

THANKS!!!

 

I had to calculate my NC days since I haven't been counting.

 

I'm still feeling great!!! This past week has been great. I hardly think of him. Actually, it's not that I think about him, it's that he occasionally pops in my head, then I just go on with life as if nothing.

 

I almost didn't want to log on here but I guess I should. I notice when I'm extremely busy with an activity or with family/friends, I have no time for him to pop in my mind. When I have nothing going on, then he pops in. So... I need to keep REALLY busy!!!

 

In general, I feel great. I'm still glad it's OVER!!! I have NO desire to contact him today, tomorrow, or ever! I don't even feel any love for him. I don't hate him, I'm not mad at him. I'm actually happy he's keeping his distance because I don't want to get sucked back in. Eew!!

 

We live in the same town so it's not hard to run into him as we drive along or maybe even at a store one day. If that ever happens, I'll just say hi and keep going unless I'm at a store then I'll probably do the 'hi how's everything?' chit chat and then keep going.

 

The truth is, I've known for a very long time this relationship wasn't good for me. I wanted out of it but it was sooo hard because I was attached to him. I was addicted to the daily 24/7 communication with him. It was sure hard to break.

 

It's been almost 4 months since I broke it off with him. I feel like a different person. I feel free!! It hasn't been easy and I do pray that I continue this path. I'm really eager to pass the 4 week NC mark. Once I get past 4 weeks, I think I'll be set free for sure!!!

 

Here's a couple of more quotes from the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" ...

 

'you are also breaking free from a relationship that wasn't working'

 

Boy, that's sooo true!!! It wasn't working. How obvious is that? If it WAS working, we'd be together!!! Duh

 

'Freedom means no more agonizing, no more drama, and no more time wasted on someone wo wasn't appreciative of who you really are'

 

This one I can relate to. I no longer have to wonder what he's doing and with whom. Wonder if we'd ever have a life together or if it was temporary. And towards the end, I realized this guy did not appreciate me. If he did, he wouldn't have ignored me. When you appreciate someone, you don't ignore their texts. You don't get back to them when you feel like it. Please... I deserve so much more that THAT!! Good riddens.

 

Well, back to work!! Have a great day everybody!

[Blueberry7691]

I just realized 14 days = 2 weeks of my new start with NC. YIPPEE for me!!!

 

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and I guess I had nothing better to think about, I thought of him. I remembered how hurt I felt back in December when he ignored me. What a jerk! He's so not worth my time or tears. The reality is, he had nothing to offer me. Oh well...

 

I'm still glad it's over. Oh! And I think I saw him yesterday. He was in his work truck and he drove by my block. I had someone in the car with me. His co-worker waved at me. I didn't wave back. I had no clue who this guy was. I'm assuming it was him because he would drove by my block just to see if I'm around. I didn't really have a reaction and I don't now. Just mentioning it for my 'notes'.

 

It's a beautiful day out today. I'm going to take my doggy out for a nice walk.

 

Another quote from the book I like

 

"remember that you are still in control of at least one thing-yourself"

 

YUP! And it's GREAT!!!

[Blueberry7691]

I HATE posting here when feel the way I do right now.

 

I'm upset with myself that I feel so low. WTF??!!! I was feeling sooo good lately, not even thinking about him. The past couple of days, I've found myself drifting off, thinking about him. Worse thing, I've been shedding tears for him!!! UGH!!

 

Just when I thought I was off the rollarcoaster, I find myself back on. I just don't understand it. I think tomorrow makes 4 months since the breakup. I still feel it's the best thing but now I find myself missing him. It upsets me that I feel this way when I was making progress.

 

MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM!!!

[Fufu]

6 months has passed for me since my ex left me.

 

Time flies, sometimes they do crept into my mind. But be positive because you are always doing so much better than day 1.

[Blueberry7691]

Yep, I didn't call him like I wanted to but I did text him. Damn! Didn't go past 2 weeks.. Oh well. I'm glad I did.

 

At first it was chit chat about the weather. Then I did confess to him how I was feeling and how crappy I feel when we chat. He said he was sorry and wanted to give me a big hug. I said 'I don't want your pity hug'.

 

Then I continued... Told him we may never speak again but there's something I wanted him to know.

 

I told him that I was disappointed that neither one of us ever tried to fix the lack of communication we had back in December.

 

He knew EXACTLY what I was talking about!! I was surprise about that.

 

Anyway, he told me his version of what happened and said it turned into 'a mess'.

 

I told him I had much more to say but it was too much to be texting.

 

I also told him it didn't matter. There was no point in hashing it out anyway because it was too late.

 

He said he agreed texting isn't good when you're arguing/fighting,or whatever you want to call it. He said he rather deal with me in person and said 'and I don't believe it's ever too late'.

 

Well, I couldn't help but feel like saying 'ARE YOU F ING KIDDING ME?' but instead I said 'it's too late.I've been through hell and back. I'm done.I am tired of always being the one reaching out. Tired of caring,of crying,of hoping, of everything.'

 

And his response ...... drumroll please ........... NOTHING.He did NOT RESPOND!!! So Good Riddens to him!

 

I know why he didn't respond. It's because he was shocked as hell that I said that. 3 plus years together and I'm done. I've never ever said that to him even though I broke up with him. The fact that 4 months later, I'm telling him I am done. I do not want to fix it. He doesn't know what to say.

 

Well my friends, thank you all for listening . Thanks for this site where I get to post and release this. I know I'll get on track again. I've come a long way and I will continue to do so.

[Blueberry7691]

I'm feeling really good today. I don't regret texting him yesterday. I don't regret a word I said. I finally made peace with it all. I've been carrying it around with me for 4 months waiting for him to mention what happened. It took ME, to do it. So be it. I'm glad I did. There is nothing left to say. I feel a sense of relief, of freedom, of exhiliration.

 

I'm glad I don't feel guilty about hurting him. I'm sure he's upset and that's why he went silent. I've had my share too!! F it!!!

 

My biggest hurdle is contacting him. I want to find the strength within me to not contact him anymore. Why is it so damn hard??!!! I know with all my heart, I have it in me.

 

Dear G--,

 

Thank you for being patient with me and for your understanding of what I've been through. I appreciate you looking over me and taking care of me. You have always been there for me. You have never turned your back on me. Thank you soo much!

 

But please G--, please show me the way to find it in myself to stop contacting him. I know I have the strength. Please, help me.

Thank you.

xoxo

[Blueberry7691]

Today marks our 4th month anniversary!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, HAPPY ANNIVERSARRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

A--HOLE!

[Blueberry7691]

I was doing good until this afternoon. It almost felt like I broke up with him all over again. The sense of loss set in and I was thinking of him and depressed.

 

Anyway, around 5:00 I leave my house to go thru town and sure enough, there he is driving in the opposite direction. I spotted his car a mile away. I did my usual high beam hello and he waved. I could tell he was not happy but neither was I.

 

This sucks! My feelings suck!

 

At least I didn't text him so I have that going for me.

[Blueberry7691]

I think the last time I spoke to him was Thursday so that would mean today is NC Day 5. Boy, time goes fast!

 

I didn't log on over the weekend. I needed a break from everything. I was really upset after my talk with him. I was depressed and felt like the breakup happened all over again.

 

Slowly, I'm feeling better. I'm coming to my senses about everything.

FuFu here on LS has posted some great articles I've briefly read but it makes sense to me. I've wasted too much energy on this dude and not enough on me.

 

The truth is, we had some really good times. Actually, some great times. I did fall madly in love with him 3 years ago. I truly did. But as time went on, the love faded. The problem I see is that I had an unhealthy attachment to him. He was my very best friend. I used to confide in him about everything. We both told each other things we never told a soul.

 

When I felt he was ignoring me back in December, it hurt a lot. Now that I confronted him about it, and I released it, it doesn't hurt anymore. It's off my shoulders. Gee, I was carrying it around for 4 months.

 

4 months have past since the breakup. Our relationship seems sooo long ago. I haven't heard his voice since then. We've only been texting so it's not the same. I don't have new memories of him. All I have are thoughts of how unappreciative he was and still is of me. All the times, I reached out, he could've made an effort to resolve our issues, but he never did.

 

I'm at the point where I just want to focus on myself and forget him. I don't hate him. He can be a great friend but he's a lousy boyfriend.

 

Yesterday, I returned the Christmas gift I had for him. It felt good getting rid of it.

 

I need to keep busy and work on myself.

 

Have a great day everybody!!!

[Fufu]

I'm happy for you I believe and know you will get better and better for sure

 

If you ever gone through any roller coast moods, tell yourself you had passed through the most horrible moment and nothing can ever break you down.

 

If you need to vent anything or have any queries, always feel free, no hesitation to post over here in LS.

 

For my previous relationship, it's 6 months + already. Time really flies.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Fufu

[Blueberry7691]

I'm happy for you I believe and know you will get better and better for sure

 

If you ever gone through any roller coast moods, tell yourself you had passed through the most horrible moment and nothing can ever break you down.

 

If you need to vent anything or have any queries, always feel free, no hesitation to post over here in LS.

 

For my previous relationship, it's 6 months + already. Time really flies.

 

THANK YOU!!! You have been extremely encouraging to me. Thank you sooo much!!!

[Fufu]

You are most welcome

 

Coming over to LS has been giving me so much strength too.

[Blueberry7691]

ENJOY THE DAY EVERYBODY

 

[Blueberry7691]

I woke up feeling pretty good.

 

The one thing that doesn't change is the fact that I'm glad the relationship is over.

 

If there is one thing I miss, it's our friendship and how we used to talk about EVERYTHING. I can still hear his voice in my head and his laugh. That makes me feel sad but it doesn't change my mind about things.

 

Yesterday, I logged in the AoL email account I used to contact him last week. I was finally able to deactivate it but it's going to take another billing cycle. Not sure when that is since it's free.

 

This morning I went on line to see if I got an email from AOL regarding the cancellation. As I was loggin in, I see I got mail and I immediately thought, 'Great, AOL is cancelling'. Instead, it was from HIM.

 

I was surprised and my heart begain racing. I was full of anxiety. I was also on the phone with someone so I didn't want to open it at that minute.

 

I got off the phone and all I thought was 'please don't give me a long story about us and how your sorry, blah,blah,blah...'

 

I opened it and he wrote 'I Love You (my name!!!!!!)'

 

WHEW! My anxiety went away. Holy Sh*t! I was glad it was nothing more.

That would've really messed me up.

 

I logged off and didn't respond.

Edited May 4, 2011 by Blueberry7691
added something

[Blueberry7691]

I'm at work and can't help but feel like I miss him.

 

WTF!

 

I want the torture to end.

[Blueberry7691]

So, me and the ex have shared a Youtube account where we share songs. I know you've all said, don't log on, etc... but it's been a hard habit to break. Anyway, this morning I noticed he added the following songs:

 

 

LOVE WILL LEAD YOU BACK

... Umm... I can't help but think he's being presumptuous to think that.

 

BACK TO DECEMBER

... this one I get. Our lack of communication was in December.

 

FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPQvEy74md8 ... I don't know how this fits in our situation but he always ends his songs with something that has to do with drinking. I don't get it.

 

I logged on to that email account and at 1:15 a.m. he texted me asking how my 'Cinco de Mayo ' was and he ended it by saying .... 'Love Ya'.

 

So, where am I? It didn't effect me today. Yesterday I was still mopey about everything but then last night I started to think about some crappy times together and thought I was better off without him. It's amazing how your feelings change when your thoughts change. Try it folks!

 

I guess he's feeling it now. He must realize it's really over.

 

I haven't responded to him and I don't plan on it.

[fresh8]

I reckon you should change your number

 

Just try to get better every day and not take any steps back unlike me! Chin up and good work so far!

[Blueberry7691]

I reckon you should change your number

 

Just try to get better every day and not take any steps back unlike me! Chin up and good work so far!

 

Thank you! I appreciate your support.

[Blueberry7691]

Saturday I was on our shared Utube account and I could tell he was on at the same time listening to songs.

 

I messaged him and he replied. I don't know why I did. I wasn't emotional or anything. It was more of a 'hey, are you on utube too?'

 

He replied 'yeah, what's happening?' and I just said 'on utube, you?'

 

He said 'listening to tunes' ... I could tell from the History he was listening to depressing breakup songs and I also noticed that the 3 new songs he added, he moved to another playlist, so I wouldn't notice them but it was too late.

 

So I say to him 'okay, have a good night'. I really didn't feel like talking to him. I don't know why I initiated. It was no big deal to me... Weird.

 

But then he starting engaging me in conversation. Asked what I was doing Sunday, what I did Saturday, where did I go, etc...

 

Honestly, I didn't even care to talk to him. I just answered since he asked.

 

Then he had to go walk the dog and said 'Talk sooner than Later' and 'Sleep Good XXXXXXXXOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!'

 

I didn't reply. I logged off and went to sleep.

 

I keep thinking he wants to talk to me about giving him a chance to work it out, or he's going to talk to me as though nothing happened and he'll hope we'll get back together.

 

The reason I think this is crazy but, it really has to do with the songs he was listening to and how he said 'talk sooner than later'. It's my gut feeling I guess.

 

So, where am I exactly?

 

I feeling like running the hell away from him.

 

I'm NOT interested at all in getting back with him. I actually feel like I better stay the hell away from him because I DON'T want him to talk to me about us, because I DON'T WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER!!!

 

As difficult as it was for me the first few months, I know I'm better off without him. I feel bad too thinking that he'd approach me and I'd have to turn him down again!!!

 

Now, I just have to stick to NC. It's been so hard but maybe this will keep me going. Guess I just have to think about the conversation I don't want to have with him and hopefully, I'll stay clear of him.

 

Crazy how things change.

[Blueberry7691]

I stumbled upon a song I can relate to right now. Instead of the words 'a little bit', it should be 'A LOT' All of you will feel the same too. Just hang in there..

 

[Blueberry7691]

Haven't spoken to him since Saturday so that's good.

 

I'm still glad the relationship is over but he does pop in my mind throughout the day. Usually, I'm thinking that I'm glad it's over.

 

This morning I had a dream that he added a song to our Utube account for me to listen to. The song was called 'Forgiveness'.. So weird. This isn't a real song. Well, not that I know of anyway.

 

I woke up and thought 'do I want him back?' and then thought 'NO!'. Then why 'Forgiveness?' I think it's because he never spoke to me about what happened in December. He never apologized and I guess I wanted him to.

 

I'm positive that if we saw each other in person, he would tell me he was sorry and he would pour his heart out to me. Even if we were on the phone he would. This texting back and forth sucks and he's not going to do it.

 

At this point I guess it doesn't matter. I brought up the subject and he knows how I feel. I've come to the conclusion that I will have to forgive him even though he didn't ask me to.

 

So I have. I forgive him for being a jerk. I forgive him for ignoring me, for not texting me back quick enough. I forgive him for not reaching out to me when I got mad at him. I forgive him for never bringing it up and never resolving the issue with me. That's the toughest but I'll forgive him for it.He's just so stupid!

 

I think deep down I still miss the friendship because sometimes I feel it. I hear his voice in my head and I miss our talks.

 

Yesterday was a beautiful day outside and I was grilling and it reminded me of the times I'd be outside and we'd chat or text. It was strange not to do it anymore. Not that I didn't even want to but I knew I was better off not reaching out so I didn't.

 

I think I'm doing a lot better and even though I don't want the relationship, I don't think I'm completely over it or over him. It doesn't really make sense to me. How can I be so torn?

[Blueberry7691]

I just wrote him a detailed email about how disappointed I've been that he never reached out.

 

I will not send it although it wouldn't take me much to press the Send button. Maybe I'll keep it in case one day, he has the balls to talk about it. Maybe at that time, I won't care.

[Blueberry7691]

I wasn't feeling great yesterday. I'm really getting tired of the emotional rollarcoaster. It's sickening. Enough already.

 

This morning I woke up and I knew I was dreaming of him but I don't remember the dream.

 

In exactly 1 month from today, we will both be at the same function. That's going to be interesting. I guess I can try to hide.

[Blueberry7691]

I'm feeling better today.

 

The thread I started 'What Stops You From Breaking NC?' has inspired me. I've been rereading all the posts on what motivates people in keeping NC.

 

I know those reasons are MY reasons. Maybe I just haven't given it much thought. I'm not sure if being the dumper makes it different for me. Why would it when I have my own reasons for not contacting him.

 

I ALWAYS have a set back when I make contact. Even if it's not a huge setback, it still sets me BACK!!

 

It's been 4 1/2 months since the breakup and I know if I didn't keep in touch with him during those 4 1/2 months, I'd be in a different place of healing.

 

What a waste of time!!! Whenever we did 'speak', it was about nothing. What's the sense in that? It's all crap!

 

My reasons for keeping NC:

 

1. I don't want the relationship anymore.

2. I want to stop obsessing over him.

3. I want to move on with my life without him.

4. I want to be happy.

5. I don't want to waste anymore time on something that is dead.

6. I want my dignity.

7. He doesn't deserve me.

8. He's not entitled to know what's going on in my life.

9. He had his chance to resolve our issues and never did.

10. I want to feel indifference.

 

 

I'm sure there's more. I'll have to work on that list.

 

This morning, I found out that the AOL email account I used to contact him was deactivated. So, that's over! Great timing I guess.

 

Now, there is that Youtube account we share. I'm so obsessed with that, it's sickening. I check to see if he listens to any songs. Who cares???!!!!

 

It's pathetic. One thing at a time I guess.

 

Thank you all for your support.