Hi from a 'happy OW'

[26pointblue]

Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself. I've been browsing and I guess I'm what is sometimes referred to on here as a 'happy OW.'

 

A friend of mine who disapproves of my relationship with MM told me to read this forum to see all the negative aspects of affairs. Honestly I've BTDT & I don't feel these negative aspects at the moment, and haven't for some time. I think the key for me is just accepting that it is what it is, and that I like the connection & relationship I have with MM right here, right now.

 

I think maybe there arent many other OWs like me here posting because they are happy w/ the situation & so they don't have any issues to post about.

 

When I read the threads of 'unhappy' OWs I feel for you. If I could offer any advice it would be to just be aware & accepting of the situation you're in, and either be happy with things as they are, or get out. Mainly, if you want a total relationship, just you & MM, but he isn't able to do that, get out. Because there's no use staying unhappy in a situation that is less than you want. But realize that there may be good things about the relationship you will miss- so you have to decide what is worth staying for, or leaving over. And if you chose to stay in, realize your reasons for doing so, & accept total responsibility. MM & I have been through a lot of rough patches and ups & downs but things are better now that I've accepted it is what it is, I can't change anything except my own choice, and I'm choosing to stay for now because I am happy with him. I don't get mad at him for my own choice and I don't blame him because I knew how things were getting into this.

 

I guess that's all I wanted to say, just wanted to introduce myself and give my point of view. I don't really have any questions or need advice but I'm willing to talk to y'all and share our experiences.

[TigerCub]

Welcome 26Pointblue

 

I'm glad that you're happy with what you have at the moment. I do think that most of us try to truly live in the moment, but sometimes it gets hard not to look ahead and wonder - but honestly, if you are enjoying it for the time being - good for you.

 

I do have a question, because this part really stood out:

 

 

When I read the threads of 'unhappy' OWs I feel for you. If I could offer any advice it would be to just be aware & accepting of the situation you're in, and either be happy with things as they are, or get out. Mainly, if you want a total relationship, just you & MM, but he isn't able to do that, get out. Because there's no use staying unhappy in a situation that is less than you want. But realize that there may be good things about the relationship you will miss- so you have to decide what is worth staying for, or leaving over.

 

Did you ever tell your MM that? Because, I'm guessing that you 2 don't share the same philosophy on that one - otherwise, he would have left W.

 

I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative, its just that that post really stood out as something an MP should be doing, and yet, here you are involved with them...

 

I'd love to hear your story.

 

How long have you been with MM?

[TinaniT]

welcome! are you a marathon runner?

[26pointblue]

Welcome 26Pointblue

 

I'm glad that you're happy with what you have at the moment. I do think that most of us try to truly live in the moment, but sometimes it gets hard not to look ahead and wonder - but honestly, if you are enjoying it for the time being - good for you.

 

I do have a question, because this part really stood out:

 

 

 

Did you ever tell your MM that? Because, I'm guessing that you 2 don't share the same philosophy on that one - otherwise, he would have left W.

 

I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative, its just that that post really stood out as something an MP should be doing, and yet, here you are involved with them...

 

I'd love to hear your story.

 

How long have you been with MM?

 

Hi. I was trying to answer different parts of your post separately, but alas, I'm afraid I don't know how to do that! So I'm just responding to your whole post here all at once.

 

Mainly to answer your question about if I've told MM. Yes I've told MM everything I feel, and I believe he's told me everything he feels. I guess I have a lot of complicated feelings about the situation, as does he, and after going back & forth a lot [he's moved out a couple times], I've decided to just let things be as they are for now. I would like it to be just him & me, but I've learned I can't force that, it has to be his decision. I do understand the feelings of wanting more & being hurt by not having it, & I don't know your story or everyone here's story but I'm sure I can relate. It's just that I'm in a different place with it right now. Who knows how long that will last, but realizing it's my choice & that I can only control me, not him, has really helped me a lot.

 

To answer your second question. We've been together on & off for about a year now. It feels like a lot longer, a lot has happened in that year. I've broken it off with him before, but always missed him terribly.

 

You know, it actually feels good to talk about this on here. By now a lot of my friends know about us & most are accepting [some are supportive & some are disapproving, which I understand], but it's nice to be in a place where other people have experienced this & know what it's like. So I'm glad I introduced myself & welcome any dialog. :-) What is your story?

[26pointblue]

welcome! are you a marathon runner?

 

Thanks!

 

Yes, I am. :-)

[TigerCub]

Hi. I was trying to answer different parts of your post separately, but alas, I'm afraid I don't know how to do that! So I'm just responding to your whole post here all at once.

 

Mainly to answer your question about if I've told MM. Yes I've told MM everything I feel, and I believe he's told me everything he feels. I guess I have a lot of complicated feelings about the situation, as does he, and after going back & forth a lot [he's moved out a couple times], I've decided to just let things be as they are for now. I would like it to be just him & me, but I've learned I can't force that, it has to be his decision. I do understand the feelings of wanting more & being hurt by not having it, & I don't know your story or everyone here's story but I'm sure I can relate. It's just that I'm in a different place with it right now. Who knows how long that will last, but realizing it's my choice & that I can only control me, not him, has really helped me a lot.

 

To answer your second question. We've been together on & off for about a year now. It feels like a lot longer, a lot has happened in that year. I've broken it off with him before, but always missed him terribly.

 

You know, it actually feels good to talk about this on here. By now a lot of my friends know about us & most are accepting [some are supportive & some are disapproving, which I understand], but it's nice to be in a place where other people have experienced this & know what it's like. So I'm glad I introduced myself & welcome any dialog. :-) What is your story?

 

Well it sounds like you're just making peace with where you are, and if that works for you, that's great, honestly

 

My story in point form:

- met a guy at the same work building

- went out once, he told me he has a kid and is separated from GF

- I didn't want to get involved because he said the 'door is till open' between him and gf (his son's mother)

- we became friends

- awesome connection, like nothin else

- friendly hangouts turned into somewhat dates.

- best chemistry ever.

 

- he told me he went back to his gf

- 2 days later tells me he loves me

- tried to just be friends (because he was back with her)

- a lil kiss here & there, eventually led to him going down on me in my car regularly (i did the same back)

 

- nonstop texts, emails, "love you"s

- I wanted more, but he was there "for the kid"

- multiple NC, tears and heartbreaks

 

- months later, he confesses that he actually has a daughter as well

- he shows me a pic of her (she should have been 6 months at the time) according to his story, she looked almost a year

 

- I figured if he's lied about having a kid all this time, I really think he got with me, right when his GF had given birth to bastard #2, and I always doubted the "separated" story, because the timeline and certain things never really matched up.

 

-saw him for the compulsive liar he really is.

- we did stay friends for a while after the confession about bastard #2, but it wasn't the same.

- more lies discovered

 

- reached end of my rope

- final letter was sent to him

- final NC was carried out.

 

- I'm much much much happier now

[desertIslandCactus]

Congrats Tiger. You sound like a whole woman.

[Flabbergaster]

To answer your second question. We've been together on & off for about a year now. It feels like a lot longer, a lot has happened in that year. I've broken it off with him before, but always missed him terribly.

To make a metaphor that you might understand...welcome to mile marker four. At this point only the truly unprepared are suffering,everyone is feeling good. Many people are running faster than they planned, and are going to regret it. Your friend is hoping that you'll realize you just ran the first 4 miles of this A too fast.

 

When you get to the split for marathon and half runners, you suddenly find yourself alone in the field. Mile 13 might still feel good; I always feel great at mile 13.

After that...everyone has their wall. Mine is at 20 miles; I've never gotten past 20 without smt going wrong. Others don't have a wall until 30 miles. Some start walking at mile 10. The 'not really prepared' bail out at mile 6 because they feel ok, but realize there's no way they can go the distance.

 

Where is your wall, in the A? You'll find out, or you might not have one. Most people find it somewhere after mile 9 of the A, just like in a marathon.

You can keep running, you're only at mile 4. Slow down to a pace you can maintain with a smile, and start thinking what you're going to do if your knee starts to hurt again. How much pain you're willing to take.

 

Oh yeah...imperfect metaphor. You don't get a shiny metal or feeling of accomplishment for going 26 miles in the A...it turns into an ultra and you run the course again. And again. and again. Until you decide to drop out.

 

stay happy if you can, just realize that you are using an emotional credit card. Every smile you get now is paid off with frowns, charged at 18% interest, whenever the bill comes due.

Edited March 15, 2011 by Flabbergaster

[26pointblue]

Tigercub: I'm glad you're happy now. :-) it's crazy how he lied to you about his child!

 

Flabbergaster: I think I hit the wall and broke through it. Yeah I had some aches and pains along the way but I've found my stride and I'm enjoying the run. Not saying there's no finish line. Just that I don't want to cross it yet. Thanks for the running analogies. :-)

[lovingwhatis]

Flabbergaster, that's some brilliant stuff, man! Love the analogy, and I am not even a runner! That analogy explains the different perspectives here on LS, and also the range of perspectives one can have within themselves.

 

I'll admit that to me marathons are strange.. I have admiration for people's desire to test their limits, and cheer them and all, but don't think I'll run one.

 

To go with your analogy, at one point I did briefly think I could sign up for the marathon. And then I was like "what?" The thought of what it all means just blew my mind and I gave it up before it started. Even the prep stages seemed so emotionally ardurous, let alone the real thing.

 

The wall, so maybe we all have a wall. Maybe someone's wall is at mile 50. Could that be? If yes, then they obviously would feel pretty invincible most of the time. They haven't come up to their wall yet.

 

Thanks again, flabbergaster!

 

And tiger club, why call a child a "bastard" in 2011? This is so incredibly retro and uncalled for. It only shows your projected anger that you are taking out on a baby. So much for being over it.

 

 

To make a metaphor that you might understand...welcome to mile marker four. At this point only the truly unprepared are suffering,everyone is feeling good. Many people are running faster than they planned, and are going to regret it. Your friend is hoping that you'll realize you just ran the first 4 miles of this A too fast.

 

When you get to the split for marathon and half runners, you suddenly find yourself alone in the field. Mile 13 might still feel good; I always feel great at mile 13.

After that...everyone has their wall. Mine is at 20 miles; I've never gotten past 20 without smt going wrong. Others don't have a wall until 30 miles. Some start walking at mile 10. The 'not really prepared' bail out at mile 6 because they feel ok, but realize there's no way they can go the distance.

 

Where is your wall, in the A? You'll find out, or you might not have one. Most people find it somewhere after mile 9 of the A, just like in a marathon.

You can keep running, you're only at mile 4. Slow down to a pace you can maintain with a smile, and start thinking what you're going to do if your knee starts to hurt again. How much pain you're willing to take.

 

Oh yeah...imperfect metaphor. You don't get a shiny metal or feeling of accomplishment for going 26 miles in the A...it turns into an ultra and you run the course again. And again. and again. Until you decide to drop out.

 

stay happy if you can, just realize that you are using an emotional credit card. Every smile you get now is paid off with frowns, charged at 18% interest, whenever the bill comes due.

[lovingwhatis]

Tigercub: I'm glad you're happy now. :-) it's crazy how he lied to you about his child!

 

Flabbergaster: I think I hit the wall and broke through it. Yeah I had some aches and pains along the way but I've found my stride and I'm enjoying the run. Not saying there's no finish line. Just that I don't want to cross it yet. Thanks for the running analogies. :-)

 

26pointblue, it really does sound like you are in a good place within yourself, and more importantly it sounds like you really thought it through and have your eyes open, and this is your decision.

 

I guess my question echoes a previous question that was asked. What about him? Obviously he doesn't subscribe to the same thought process as you. When he moved out it must have been because of anguish he was feeling regarding his M. Looking at him, and assuming you love him, wasn't that hard to see? The person you love is having his life shaken, and you are there. I can totally understand you being accepting for yourself of where things are at, but he is not sharing in that peace. Or is he?

[26pointblue]

26pointblue, it really does sound like you are in a good place within yourself, and more importantly it sounds like you really thought it through and have your eyes open, and this is your decision.

 

I guess my question echoes a previous question that was asked. What about him? Obviously he doesn't subscribe to the same thought process as you. When he moved out it must have been because of anguish he was feeling regarding his M. Looking at him, and assuming you love him, wasn't that hard to see? The person you love is having his life shaken, and you are there. I can totally understand you being accepting for yourself of where things are at, but he is not sharing in that peace. Or is he?

 

Lovingwhatis: I appreciate your thoughtful response. No, he is not at peace. He is struggling & has been since day 1. I used to get frustrated & angry w/ him, thinking, if he loves me so much, why not just really be w/ me. Then I came to understand things from his point of view & realized it's not so simple. I feel for him. I also feel that I've never known a love like I have for him. I also feel that he deeply madly loves me. I just want him to be happy. He's not happy at all without me in his life. When I'm in his life, he's happy but conflicted. Sometimes I think he's preparing himself emotionally to leave for good or to let go of me for good. At this point I think the only thing to do is understand & support him, while also living my own life for me, not him, since we are not a 'real' couple. Before I would get mad at him & my emotions & thoughts would flip-flop all over the place. I've accepted that all I can do is love him but not base my life on him, since he's not basing his on me. Perhaps I sound weak.

[sugarbritches]

I feel you are selling yourself short. You should be number one in his life. As long a he is married you can't be number one. You deserve better.

I don't understand how you deal with it.

I don't share, when it comes to my man and if my man shares with somebody else, then I don't want him.

 

good luck to you, I hope you find happiness, I don't think you will stay happy with this situation for long.

[lovingwhatis]

Thanks for shedding more light! At first when I read your point about you accepting that you are providing happiness because you love him, it had me thinking for yes, I do feel that love can be that unselfish. I knew I was being selfish when I once asked for NC because I was feeling fearful. But then you mentioned that you would essentially base your life on him if you were a couple, and this I disagree with. It is very comforting to base one's life on someone, and have them complete you, for they certainly have things that you feel you are missing on your own. That to me is a shortcut.

 

In the EA I experienced, I felt it was the kinder thing to help him let me go by going, and he did the same, he let me go and didn't break NC. I so appreciated that. When one is faced with a complex situation, it has been my thought that it is easier to make the equation simpler. I basically took myself out of the equation, and let him be on his journey not because I didn't want to help, but because I felt that the help I would be providing would be selfish. But that's not to say that I don't feel for him every day of my life.

 

When I first came on here, I posted on a thing called "the Work" by Byron Katie. Look it up if you want. It is a thought examination process that can be very helpful.

 

And just for the record, I am not trying to dissuade you from anything.

 

Lovingwhatis: I appreciate your thoughtful response. No, he is not at peace. He is struggling & has been since day 1. I used to get frustrated & angry w/ him, thinking, if he loves me so much, why not just really be w/ me. Then I came to understand things from his point of view & realized it's not so simple. I feel for him. I also feel that I've never known a love like I have for him. I also feel that he deeply madly loves me. I just want him to be happy. He's not happy at all without me in his life. When I'm in his life, he's happy but conflicted. Sometimes I think he's preparing himself emotionally to leave for good or to let go of me for good. At this point I think the only thing to do is understand & support him, while also living my own life for me, not him, since we are not a 'real' couple. Before I would get mad at him & my emotions & thoughts would flip-flop all over the place. I've accepted that all I can do is love him but not base my life on him, since he's not basing his on me. Perhaps I sound weak.

[TigerCub]

And tiger club, why call a child a "bastard" in 2011? This is so incredibly retro and uncalled for. It only shows your projected anger that you are taking out on a baby. So much for being over it.

 

You know what? That is very true.

I was pissed when he told me about the daughter he kept a secret from me.

I was pissed when we used to talk about his GF and I asked him if she ever wanted to get married and he said "yes, but she knows if she wants me to zig I'll zag" and that's how he's kept putting all that off.

 

I was pissed when I realized all those things about him - and yes, its a very mean way of referring to his kids, but I did it because I was angry at the time. I guess I just kept referring to them out of habit now - thank you very much for bringing up that point.

 

I wont refer to them that way - I totally didn't even really realize that I did it - just habit (from past anger) - it is very uncalled for (even back then), but especially now.

 

[26pointblue]

I feel you are selling yourself short. You should be number one in his life. As long a he is married you can't be number one. You deserve better.

I don't understand how you deal with it.

I don't share, when it comes to my man and if my man shares with somebody else, then I don't want him.

 

good luck to you, I hope you find happiness, I don't think you will stay happy with this situation for long.

 

I understand what you're saying. I didn't like sharing him & broke things off with him a couple times, when he couldn't totally jump. But I missed him terribly. So at this point I am happier having him in my life than not having him in my life. That's just where I'm at & I accept it. I don't think it will always be this way. I believe that leaving his long-term wife & family is a very hard decision to make & that it takes time. That being said, I'm not going to wait forever. He knows this. At the same time I can't end it before I'm ready. I know it might be hard to understand but I am actually enjoying it as an affair. It was hardest when he was separated & there was a lot of drama when I was frustrated & putting timelines on him & right now I am just enjoying the here & now, what we have. Once I started focusing on myself instead of us, I feel much more positive about things & I really feel like I'm going to be fine no matter what. But right now I am enjoying my time with him, perhaps because I know it's not infinite.

 

I should add for the sake of context that ours is not a very closeted affair. We do things in public, sometimes he stays the night or we go on trips, & we talk constantly. He is always there when I need him. We spend a great deal of time together. So I don't feel I'm missing out on much except that yes, I would like to be together for real, just him & me.

 

I'm just being totally honest about my feelings but I do understand what you're saying. :-)

[sugarbritches]

Have you thought about telling him it you or his wife? Its not fair to either of you. He has the best of both worlds, two women that love him. Two women to have sex with.

 

Make him choose, you shouldn't have to share a man.

[26pointblue]

Thanks for shedding more light! At first when I read your point about you accepting that you are providing happiness because you love him, it had me thinking for yes, I do feel that love can be that unselfish. I knew I was being selfish when I once asked for NC because I was feeling fearful. But then you mentioned that you would essentially base your life on him if you were a couple, and this I disagree with. It is very comforting to base one's life on someone, and have them complete you, for they certainly have things that you feel you are missing on your own. That to me is a shortcut.

 

In the EA I experienced, I felt it was the kinder thing to help him let me go by going, and he did the same, he let me go and didn't break NC. I so appreciated that. When one is faced with a complex situation, it has been my thought that it is easier to make the equation simpler. I basically took myself out of the equation, and let him be on his journey not because I didn't want to help, but because I felt that the help I would be providing would be selfish. But that's not to say that I don't feel for him every day of my life.

 

When I first came on here, I posted on a thing called "the Work" by Byron Katie. Look it up if you want. It is a thought examination process that can be very helpful.

 

And just for the record, I am not trying to dissuade you from anything.

 

Ok, I didn't mean completely base my life on him, if we were an actual couple. I meant that I stopped basing things on us as if we WERE a couple when we're not. For example I used to plan my schedule around his & now I plan it around me & if we get to see each other, coolio. If not, fine. I used to not date & now I do. When he was separated I tried to help him through things n got so caught up w/ his turmoil that my own life was unhappy. Now, I don't do those things. I love him & support him but I live my life as if I were single, because I am. What I meant is that if we were a real couple I would view us as such. Since we are not, I don't. Although we do have our own unique 'relationship' albeit an affair. I think I am just being realistic now instead of trying to force things to go the way I want.

 

I have broken things off [NC?] out of both fear & love. As a way to get him to come with me & as a way to try to get myself over him. Nothing has stuck, due to my own choice to get back with him. If I break things off again, it is for good, & it is for me. I will leave it in my past & not look back. When I'm ready. He knows this. I feel that this is a better way than 'fooling myself' by breaking things of with him when I still want to be with him deep down & when I'm not ready to give him up.

 

Thank you for the reading recommendation. I will check it out. :-)

[lovingwhatis]

Tiger,

 

I am glad my post didn't anger you, and that you would consider not referring to the kids in such a way anymore.

 

Talking about the sharing aspect, I am in a strange mood so I will throw two crazy things out here.

 

One is about the man with 39 wives and 94 kids, can you begin to imagine how these people iron out the logistics in that household?

 

Also, I've been coming to LS for a couple of months, and have gained new perspective for which I am grateful, but this weekend IRL a woman made me think of what my limitations are (they are many). She is a clothing designer, and just got married to a man who is so good looking I didn't know people like that existed in real life. lol He seems to be absolutely crazy about her. Made me think of how small the A world is in comparison to what is available in reality. Only thing is, we seem to deem ourselves unworthy of it without even realizing..

 

Sorry for the TJ, 26pointblue.

[26pointblue]

Have you thought about telling him it you or his wife? Its not fair to either of you. He has the best of both worlds, two women that love him. Two women to have sex with.

 

Make him choose, you shouldn't have to share a man.

 

I told him that once, before the first time he moved out. I think he tried to choose me by moving out but he wasn't emotionally ready & I had a very demanding timetable. I don't think I can force his hand like that. I've come to see that if I want him in my life I have to be accepting of where he's at. This is not through what he's said. It's just the conclusion I came to when we were apart & I really missed him. I love him. That's all I can say. :-/

[lovingwhatis]

Ok, I didn't mean completely base my life on him, if we were an actual couple. I meant that I stopped basing things on us as if we WERE a couple when we're not. For example I used to plan my schedule around his & now I plan it around me & if we get to see each other, coolio. If not, fine. I used to not date & now I do. When he was separated I tried to help him through things n got so caught up w/ his turmoil that my own life was unhappy. Now, I don't do those things. I love him & support him but I live my life as if I were single, because I am. What I meant is that if we were a real couple I would view us as such. Since we are not, I don't. Although we do have our own unique 'relationship' albeit an affair. I think I am just being realistic now instead of trying to force things to go the way I want.

 

I have broken things off [NC?] out of both fear & love. As a way to get him to come with me & as a way to try to get myself over him. Nothing has stuck, due to my own choice to get back with him. If I break things off again, it is for good, & it is for me. I will leave it in my past & not look back. When I'm ready. He knows this. I feel that this is a better way than 'fooling myself' by breaking things of with him when I still want to be with him deep down & when I'm not ready to give him up.

 

Thank you for the reading recommendation. I will check it out. :-)

 

Great post, blue! This makes a lot of sense. I really agree with the last part about forcing NC before really being ready to break things off permanently. That can be a very personal process, and one that can take longer or shorter, depending on many things.

 

For all its worth, I'm with you, I feel you are approaching this in a good way.

 

And that's cool that you are dating. Does this create problems between you?

[TigerCub]

Tiger,

 

I am glad my post didn't anger you, and that you would consider not referring to the kids in such a way anymore.

I'm really not offended because I've done it before where I say things because I'm used to it and then when its brought to my attention, I think 'WTF?! really? I'm still saying stuff that sounds so ignorant?"

 

Example - I used to refer to xMM's GF as "Baby Momma", mainly because that's how he referred to her as - then YellowShark pointed out that it sounds so Jersey Shore - and yeah that totally made me realize how dumb and demaning to her (the gf) that sounds.

 

So I'm always glad when things like that are brought to my attention because its always nice to be aware and improve.

 

One is about the man with 39 wives and 94 kids, can you begin to imagine how these people iron out the logistics in that household?

oyi....can't even begin to imagine that one.

 

Also, I've been coming to LS for a couple of months, and have gained new perspective for which I am grateful, but this weekend IRL a woman made me think of what my limitations are (they are many). She is a clothing designer, and just got married to a man who is so good looking I didn't know people like that existed in real life. lol He seems to be absolutely crazy about her. Made me think of how small the A world is in comparison to what is available in reality. Only thing is, we seem to deem ourselves unworthy of it without even realizing..

 

I'm not sure if that is the case for everyone, but I will say that my involvement in the A, brought up a LOT of issues from my past that needed to be dealt with - and I guess that could be the only good thing to come out of that A - that I actually sought therapy and put a lot of issues to rest once and for all.

 

 

Sorry for the TJ, 26pointblue.

Ditto. Just had to reply

[TigerCub]

Ok, I didn't mean completely base my life on him, if we were an actual couple. I meant that I stopped basing things on us as if we WERE a couple when we're not. For example I used to plan my schedule around his & now I plan it around me & if we get to see each other, coolio. If not, fine. I used to not date & now I do. When he was separated I tried to help him through things n got so caught up w/ his turmoil that my own life was unhappy. Now, I don't do those things. I love him & support him but I live my life as if I were single, because I am. What I meant is that if we were a real couple I would view us as such. Since we are not, I don't. Although we do have our own unique 'relationship' albeit an affair. I think I am just being realistic now instead of trying to force things to go the way I want.

 

I have broken things off [NC?] out of both fear & love. As a way to get him to come with me & as a way to try to get myself over him. Nothing has stuck, due to my own choice to get back with him. If I break things off again, it is for good, & it is for me. I will leave it in my past & not look back. When I'm ready. He knows this. I feel that this is a better way than 'fooling myself' by breaking things of with him when I still want to be with him deep down & when I'm not ready to give him up.

 

Thank you for the reading recommendation. I will check it out. :-)

 

Hey 26,

 

that post comes across as so honest - I don't mean just honest with us, but it seems like you're really honest with yourself about what your MM can or can not give to you, and you recognize all that.

 

I say good for you. Good for you for doing things on YOUR time, good for you for keeping your options open and dating, good for you for being realistic about your MMs limitations.

 

If you're happy and at peace with it all - then I'm happy for you

[lovingwhatis]

Tiger, I am glad we are talking, even though it is not on the proper thread. When I saw your other thread, I wanted to cheer for you, for I do agree that feeling like things are better is an important part of any type of recovery for anything.

 

But reading your responses, I felt that you do have blind spots, and because they are blind it is not like you are saying these things on purpose. Its great you are open to people pointing them out.

 

4 years I went to therapy, and when we finished in a few months she sent me out with thoughts like, yes things are dealt with, and I felt this as well. Lets just say that years later I can be doing fabulous and be completely leveled by some of those long standing issues.

 

All I am saying is, don't buy into the therapy hype too much to the point of cutting yourself from the reality of the situations that may arise, just because you feel that you've "dealt" with it. I wish the magic wand was there it was the case for all of us that we dealt with things once and for all. Reality is a little more gray than that...

 

 

So I'm always glad when things like that are brought to my attention because its always nice to be aware and improve.

 

 

 

I'm not sure if that is the case for everyone, but I will say that my involvement in the A, brought up a LOT of issues from my past that needed to be dealt with - and I guess that could be the only good thing to come out of that A - that I actually sought therapy and put a lot of issues to rest once and for all.

 

 

 

Ditto. Just had to reply

[TigerCub]

 

All I am saying is, don't buy into the therapy hype too much to the point of cutting yourself from the reality of the situations that may arise, just because you feel that you've "dealt" with it.

 

How am I cutting myself off from reality?

You don't think its possible for someone to get past an issue that's haunted them growing up? That maybe they couldn't get proper closure on because the person that caused it is dead?

 

Maybe therapy didn't work for you - I certainly don't know what your issues were - but you don't know mine either

 

But for you to actually try to minimize the improvements in my life - that I feel are a result of therapy because they made me look at things in a different way and gave me at least some peace, gave me strength is just ignorant because you don't even know how it has helped me

 

and what makes you think that its "cut me off from the reality of the situations that may arise"?

 

Did it ever occur to you, that maybe I look at things more objectively now - I was able to see what the A was and why I was participating in it - I don't see how that was cutting me off from the reality of THAT situation - it made me see the reality of it.

 

Don't minimize my efforts, my progress and how far I've come just because your therapist failed you.

 

And its not like I live my f'n life based on "oh what would my therapist say?"

 

If it doesn't work for everyone, fine, if it works for some, fine - but don't sit there and accuse people from being cut off from reality simply because they found some peace in therapy.