The Ex that went off the deep end....Any advice

[STLChic]

Surely someone has had this problem before...

 

I dated him 2 years. Things were great but we were spending half the year apart. He lives in Kansas City for school and I live in St. Louis. It wasn't really a big deal until I became more involved with my life here and wanted to step back from the relationship some. I suggested that he not be as "clingy," for lack of a better word. I still felt like I needed more space so I suggested a break until the holidays when he would be home for a month. This also did not work as he couldn't respect some of our new boundaries and became very hurt and jealous of my new platonic friendships. Keep in mind when he was home to visit we spent time with all the same people I associate with while he was away. He even communicated with some of them on his own. Well, because I still didn't have the space I wished for I broke things off just before Christmas. I suggested we remain friends in case we ever wanted to try things again later and because we really were great, supportive friends through our relationship.

 

Fast Forward a few months and he calls to say he'll be in town for a weekend. He asks if I would like to have lunch and I agree. We meet for lunch and the "would you like to try this again" conversation comes up. I should have been expecting this but wasn't. I explain that I don't feel like I am quite ready to get back into a relationship yet. He seems let down, but understanding. We go back to my apartment and head over to my neighbors. I'm very close friends with these people and he has met them a number of times as well. I did have plans that evening to attend a concert, but he was more than welcome to hang with our mutual friends. he did just that. After the concert I am on my way home and call to find out where everyone is at, I know the address and tell them that I'll meet up with them shortly.

 

This is where things begin get dramatic.

 

Out of no where I receive a phone call that perhaps I may want to change plans because guy in question has started to behave very irrationally and is causing the others to feel uncomfortable and it revolves around me. My arrival would surely just heighten whatever drama he was inducing. I agree.

 

I go back to my apartment and then I begin getting very hateful messages. Not necessarily death threats per se, he just wished I was dead. I was completely shocked because it was only hours ago that we had lunch. He aparentently made other threats that I chalked up to alcohol related. Important Note: He NEVER showed signs of aggressive behavior while we were dating, in fact he was always the perfect gentleman. He left town the next day and life went on.

 

I began to get emails, and other messages that were still threatening and disturbing in nature. I contacted my university security who then contacted his university. The emails and messages stopped and I was happy. Imagine my surprise when I walked into my local campus bar and he arrives an hour later with 5 of my dear friends. I didn't even know he was in town again. Fine. I decide to be the better person and keep my distance from him, ignore him but continue to socialize with what have now become mutual friends. I was in no way going to spell out who could be friends with who; that puts everyone in an awkward position. If I were in the other person's shoes I would want to be friends with them too, they're great people.

 

The night continues on with no interaction. Somehow later in the night I look over and it's just the two of us sitting next to each other. I'm about to get up and look for my friends when he starts laughing. I look over and ask if he has anything he would like to say. He says, "I can't believe I dated a W***e for so long>" laughter continues. I am absolutely appalled. Keep in mind I know all of the employees at the bar and the owners so I feel very comfortable in my environment. I walk over to the bouncer and ask him to have a word with the ex, meanwhile I go outside to get some fresh air. When I go back inside and go to the ladies room to re-compose myself, the owner stops and asks what is wrong. I inform him that the situation has been taken care of and not to worry about it. When I return from the ladies room I am informed that the ex has been asked to leave. I couldn't be happier. My night continues and I go home in a fine mood. A day later I leave town for a week to go on spring break.

 

During Spring break he apparently spends all of his time in St. Louis with above group of friends. His new thing is to make up outrageous rumors, and tell them to who will ever listen, post them on public forums and the like. I've done my best to ignore his outrageous behavior, but now he's coming into town more often. Talking to even more of my friends who he previously had no relationships with. I'm extremely frustrated by all of this and would any advice to deal with an ex gone bad. I can't tell him to stay out of St. Louis entirely. In fact, I don't even want to speak with him. I'm tired of seeing him out my usual hang out spots every weekend and with my friends constantly. How do I deal? Shouldn't he be in Kansas City where he can have his own life?

[miz_barby]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=blue][/color] To me this guy obviously sounds like he has some real "stalker" issues.....it sounds like you did everything in the nicest way possible to let him down easily! Also it sounds like he took you "being polite" in another way....like maybe some where deep down he felt like there was still a chance. Any normal person, after so much time has passed would have moved on and found new places to hang out so he wouldn't have to run into you since it was so "painful" to him and since he obviously couldn't take being let down easily, however he clearly isn't thinking rationally. He seems to be trying to alienate everyone from you so that he can worm his way back into your life! I must say he for sure fits the typical profile of a stalker....a "wonderful charming" guy in the beginning until you didn't want to be with him...he is hurting you in small ways now but if he sees this isn't going to work I would be afraid it may escalate into something far worse (like physical assults). I am just stating my opinion from your information given...obviously I don't know the whole situation but if it gets any worse I would advise filing for a restraining order against him...in the meantime I would (even though this doesn't seem fair) try and find new and different places to hang out and maybe even new crowds of friends (though I am sure your friends aren't feeding into his crazy behavior). Just take care of yourself and I wish you all the luck and hope this guy gets the message!

[morrigan]

I'm sorry a breakup had to turn into this kind of situation, STLchic. Your ex can be unhappy about the breakup, but he has no right to harass or intimidate you. I'd like to hope he will stop being an a**hole, and leave you alone. But some people feel they have the right to make an ex's life miserable.

 

Does your ex call or contact you? The next time he ever contacts or says anything harassing towards you, notify him never to speak or contact you again, or you will contact the police. Do not have any further contact with him. If he sends you any emails/letters or leaves phone messages, keep them. Do not invite him into your home. I may seem overly concerned, but I have a friend who was stalked by an ex boyfriend. It's not a joke or a lover's quarrel--they have no right to do that.

 

Notify your family and friends of his behavior (and some of them have obviously seen how he's been acting). I would call the police if at anytime he makes a threat of violence against you. Hopefully he will get the idea and leave you alone. Good luck.

[Just Visiting]

I agree with the others, it is better to be safe than sorry.

[DonTomaso]

STLChic... Here's some advice going forward... don't tell people you are breaking up with that you will remain friends unless you mean it.

[faux]

Originally posted by miz_barby

...To me this guy obviously sounds like he has some real "stalker" issues.....

 

Incorrect.

 

I see no evidence of stalking behavior, unless this ex is following this woman around, and keeping tabs on her in ways that were not described in this post. Harrassment, yes. Stalking? No. He does seem to have some obvious issues, however.

 

...it sounds like you did everything in the nicest way possible to let him down easily! Also it sounds like he took you "being polite" in another way....like maybe some where deep down he felt like there was still a chance.

 

Letting someone down easy is a big no-no. Never, ever attempt to be "nice" and "polite" to an ex that you do not wish to be friends with, talk to, or work things out with. This tends to constitute as leading someone on, especially an ex who believes he still may have a chance.

 

If you read recommendations for dealing with jaded ex-lovers, those who are harrassing you, or perhaps exhibiting some form of stalker behavior (Not in this case from what I can see), you are instructed to be firm and clear. It is not required that you take your ex's feelings into consideration.

 

Being polite and skirting around the real issues has caused larger problems than this woman has anticipated. Let this be a future lesson: Always be firm and clear with your feelings and intentions in situations such as this.

 

My recommendations are for this woman to be very clear in her desire to be rid of her ex. I feel that she should explain to the ex, the next time she comes in contact with him, that she wishes for no contact, feels threatened, and does not desire to work things out in any way.

 

As of immediately, save all answering machine messages, emails (make hard-printed copies of all emails, including full header information), and other forms of contact, such as notes and the like. Carry a journal around with you, and write down any time he makes contact or comes into contact with you.

 

Be very specific. Write down the date and time, where you were, what you were doing, what was said, and who you were with. If your ex calls you, and you happen to pick up, do not speak to him. Just hang up, and jot down what he said. After you have a rather bulky log, you can then consider changing your telephone number or blocking his number. It is important to have a record of activity which you feel threatened by to approach the polic with.

 

If you have specific details and proof, and you did in fact have a dating relationship with this man, you can then file for a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) against him, as well as file criminal charges for harrassment against him. This will, for about a period of one week, bar him from making any further threats to you, visiting your place of employment, schooling, or residence, having any contact with your family perhaps, and contacting you in ANY way.

 

After one week or so, you will be required to meet in family court for a judge to decide if the TRO will be finalized. It is not required for you to have a lawyer. Simply present your case as best you can. If you decide to file additional criminal charges, you will be required to appear in municipal court on a separate date.

 

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this problem. Do not forget that you can always go to the police if you continue to feel threatened or harrassed. This man is obviously doing these things with every intent to bother you.

[STLChic]

Thank you everyone. i thought I was just nuts and that maybe I did something to cause his actions to be so insane. I went home to my Father's house tonight. (I'm in college so it is always nice to see the fam) Anyhow, I was hanging out with my younger brother tonight and received some very alarming news. They have stayed in contact since the break-up (December) and still have contact with each other. They had lunch 3 or so weeks ago and talked as recently as last night!!! I asked if I ever came up in the conversation and my brother has assured me that I do not, but is this normal???? My brother says that they are just friends and they they enjoy talking and what not, but seriously this is quite shocking for me.