posting abt my ex until my fingers fall off, as advised by a fellow LSer...

[yes]

i am sick of this inner ex drama, but i want to get down to the bottom of it, finally, so here i come again.

 

first of all, he has way too much influence on how i feel about other things in life. when i feel like there's no chance of us being together, i feel like moving to a diff't city/country/continent... as soon as i feel there is a chance, i desperately want to stay here. (and i am very good at coming up with additional reasons for either wish, so i don't rlly notice it's just b/c of him unless later).

 

second of all, i think i made a mistake by insisting on no-contact. i think i built up this great illusion based on him, and am obsessed with it. as soon as i feel confident that he's after me again, at first i feel on cloud nine, but after several days i begin to think realistically - that he's likely to hurt me again, that we wouldn't get along that way in everyday life, etc - UNTIL i lose the confidence that he's after me, and i go back to desperately trying to cover up the feeling of loss that puts me in physical pain... arrgh.

 

third of all, i think i've made him into a nice&safe net - because of my addiction to him, i feel unavailable for new relationships (so all i do is get myself into dubious situations with just-for-fun boyz). of course it's easier/safer to indulge in the misery of absence of an illusionary relationship (based on him), than to open myself to new people, which may bring pain, gain, or both.

 

fourth of all, it's soo hard to let go of this because he really likes me - everybody says he always says good things abt me, never a single bad word, and that he's sorry for hurting me, etc. given that, i don't understand why the hell he won't be with me! committment-phobia? or just one of these cases when you like a person, but can never love him/her? i've tried asking him, but all he says is that he doesn't quite know, and he's sorry -- not too useful.

 

everybody tells me not to even think about dating him again - total consensus that he's not ready for a r/s (although of course one never knows what may happen...). but when i'm in a good mood... or in a bad mood... sometimes i just really REALLY wish i was in a relationship with him. that wish is, i think, the strongest wish i've ever had; it's not constant, but if you ask me to make a wish, he comes to mind instantly.

 

lastly, a part of me plain doesn't want to give up. i'm not sure if this is an unhealthy obsession or i'm in love with him, and the part of me that believes it's the latter says - but if you give up, you'll always feel that you've settled for second-best, that you've abandoned your true feelings and went the rational way.

 

these are my thoughts today. comments or advice most welcome, and thanks for reading if u did.

-yes

[Darkangelism]

How long has it been? i think you are acting just like anybody else would.

[yes]

it's been about two years since i began really liking him. about a year since we last dated. i've been dating others since then, but my heart has remained completely closed to anybody but this ex.

 

-yes

[Darkangelism]

ok, hmm that is a long time, I feel bad for you, you must be in a lot of pain.

[midori]

Originally posted by yes

i am sick of this inner ex drama, but i want to get down to the bottom of it, finally, so here i come again.

 

first of all, he has way too much influence on how i feel about other things in life. when i feel like there's no chance of us being together, i feel like moving to a diff't city/country/continent... as soon as i feel there is a chance, i desperately want to stay here. (and i am very good at coming up with additional reasons for either wish, so i don't rlly notice it's just b/c of him unless later).

 

There's a lot of uncertainty in your life right now -- whether to continue with schooling, if so where, etc. If things with your ex worked out that would be one stable thing, one decision that could help you focus your other decisions. I'd say it's not so much about him as it is about wanting to narrow the range of options you have to consider right now.

 

second of all, i think i made a mistake by insisting on no-contact. i think i built up this great illusion based on him, and am obsessed with it. as soon as i feel confident that he's after me again, at first i feel on cloud nine, but after several days i begin to think realistically - that he's likely to hurt me again, that we wouldn't get along that way in everyday life, etc - UNTIL i lose the confidence that he's after me, and i go back to desperately trying to cover up the feeling of loss that puts me in physical pain... arrgh.

 

I've been there -- in my experience it was simply a way of blocking out the stress I was feeling about other things, things I would actually have to take action on, make decisions about. Work that needed to be done. In other words, an avoidance strategy.

 

I realized what was going on in bits and pieces, but it fully came to light when I entered yet another cycle of tension and waking up every night at 4:00 a.m. in a panic ... as I had periodically done since my ex and I broke up (now, three years ago). But what was different when it happened last month, was the fact that I'm happy in a new relationship with someone infinitely better suited to me than my ex ever was -- and I knew this right from the start -- and I had known for a couple of months that I was in no way still in love with my ex. Yet the panic and unease was still there. I realized then that what I had been experiencing as despair and anxiety over the loss of my ex was in fact anxiety about other things. I've got plenty to be stressed out about -- but I was attributing it all to the loss of the ex. I was making it/him far more significant than he actually was.

 

third of all, i think i've made him into a nice&safe net - because of my addiction to him, i feel unavailable for new relationships (so all i do is get myself into dubious situations with just-for-fun boyz). of course it's easier/safer to indulge in the misery of absence of an illusionary relationship (based on him), than to open myself to new people, which may bring pain, gain, or both.

 

If you can recognize why you're addicted to the idea of your ex (what you're avoiding by allowing yourself to be consumed by him) you'll probably find that he has much less effect on you than you think he does.

 

fourth of all, it's soo hard to let go of this because he really likes me - everybody says he always says good things abt me, never a single bad word, and that he's sorry for hurting me, etc. given that, i don't understand why the hell he won't be with me! committment-phobia? or just one of these cases when you like a person, but can never love him/her? i've tried asking him, but all he says is that he doesn't quite know, and he's sorry -- not too useful.

 

The thing is, it doesn't matter where he's coming from, what might be in his heart somewhere, etc. I was suckered into believing in my ex for a long long time. I became thoroughly disaffected with him after it became (at long last) clear to me that despite his "I'm a lovely guy who just wants people to like him but I'm also very busy & important" blather, he was in fact using me as an emotional crutch when it suited him -- but it was a one-way transaction. I got nothing out of allowing him to remain in my life.

 

everybody tells me not to even think about dating him again - total consensus that he's not ready for a r/s (although of course one never knows what may happen...). but when i'm in a good mood... or in a bad mood... sometimes i just really REALLY wish i was in a relationship with him. that wish is, i think, the strongest wish i've ever had; it's not constant, but if you ask me to make a wish, he comes to mind instantly.

 

HOLD IT!! Stop right there, Missy! You know what: sometimes people do know what's going to happen. Take my ex for example. Like you, all of my friends and family -- even people who were first his friends and became mine through him -- told me that he was a bad bet for a relationship, not because of me but because of him. I could see what they were saying, but something inside me resisted. Hey, you never know...

 

Do you play the lottery? Most people will tell you that it's not the best way to invest your money. If it were a harmless dollar here, dollar there, fine, whatever makes you happy. But that's not what it is with your ex: you'd be putting ALL your money on him. You're too wrapped up in him to just invest a little bit of yourself in interacting with him. And yet you know he's a bad bet. Just as I knew my ex was a bad bet; and I should have not allowed him to tap into my resources after we'd broken up and he needed someone to lean on.

 

lastly, a part of me plain doesn't want to give up. i'm not sure if this is an unhealthy obsession or i'm in love with him, and the part of me that believes it's the latter says - but if you give up, you'll always feel that you've settled for second-best, that you've abandoned your true feelings and went the rational way.

 

I'd say that before you can know what your true feelings are, you need to disentangle other issues you have from your feelings for your ex. I know what it's like to be in existential turmoil: what am I going to do with my life, how am I going to manage, will it all work out or will I end up failing/regretting/moving back in with my parents?

 

Speaking from experience, I really do think that when we're obsessed with a person/relationship that we know isn't good for us, someone that everyone around us says is not good for us, it's usually because we're trying to avoid dealing with other things: things that we need to deal wtih. The great thing about being caught up in a doomed or difficult romance is that it's "beyond" our control. "I wish I didn't love him, god I wish I didn't, I know he doesn't deserve it... but I just do. And aren't you supposed to be faithful to your feelings? Isn't that what true strength is? If love isn't worth it, I don't know what is." If you'd checked in with me last year, or the year before that, I would have said something to that effect.

 

Loving someone won't make other tough decisions for you: like what to do after you graduate. It won't take the edge off disappointments you've suffered, nor will it file your taxes for you, or write exams for you, or do all of the things, big and small, that loom in front of you that you'd rather not have to deal with. It can distract you from those responsibilities, sure. But is that a good idea? On the other hand, if you broke up those things into manageable bits, and make sure that you tackle some each day, will you have as much time to obsess over an unlikely love? ... and will you feel the need to?

 

The point I'm trying to make is that by allowing yourself to get caught up in an obsessive "love" with a guy you know would disappoint you, you are distracting yourself from the things you really can and should be taking initiative in -- things that might be tiresome, or tiring, or scary. But those are the things that you should be focusing on. My guess is that your ex is just a distraction, and your obsessive thoughts would dissipate if they didn't serve your need to avoid the things you really should be paying attention to.

[yes]

Thank you for such a thoughtful response!

 

I think you've hit a few nails right on their heads here. I'll have to digest it a bit, but the idea of desperately seeking SOME stability, an anchor, in my life is definitely right on... as is the idea of how convenient it is to tag all the stress and worries onto something out of my control. Hmm hmm.

 

You said: "I realized then that what I had been experiencing as despair and anxiety over the loss of my ex was in fact anxiety about other things."

 

Hmm - do you truly believe that? This is precisely what I'm afraid of - of being in a relationship that i KNOW is good for me, yet still despairing about the loss of the ex. What makes you so sure it's anxiety about other things, not him? I don't mean to undermine your belief in any way (and i'm sure i won't). I guess what I'd like is a way to confirm that it's really stress of other things that's getting attributed to him... probably impossible until I just begin to feel that way, right?

 

merci,

-yes

[midori]

Originally posted by yes

Hmm - do you truly believe that? This is precisely what I'm afraid of - of being in a relationship that i KNOW is good for me, yet still despairing about the loss of the ex. What makes you so sure it's anxiety about other things, not him? I don't mean to undermine your belief in any way (and i'm sure i won't). I guess what I'd like is a way to confirm that it's really stress of other things that's getting attributed to him... probably impossible until I just begin to feel that way, right?

 

It was a retrospective discovery, one that only came to light after I was very certain that I was no longer in love with my ex. Not because I was willing myself not to be, or just pissed off at him. But because he had finally behaved so badly, so consistently, that I finally saw him for what he is.

 

I don't think it was the first time I'd seen him for what he was, actually. But in the past, after initial anger had faded and the scary things I was facing in life loomed large, I turned yet again to thinking favorably of ex. If we got back together, some of the scary things (like money worries) would have been taken care of. It could have happened that way yet again, but this time I met someone else, literally the very next day. And as my heart finally started to warm to someone else, thoughts of my ex brought me nothing but annoyance and even mild disgust. You know you're over someone when thoughts of them leave a bad taste in your mouth. I think I would have felt that disgust much sooner if I hadn't had other reasons for keeping the idea of my ex alive.

 

And I'm quite sure I'm over him. Besides the fact that I'm really into my new boyfriend, I had further proof when my ex came through town last month and we met for a drink. New boyfriend knew about meeting, natch, and was invited but couldn't make it. Ex didn't look so good -- objectively or subjectively. It had nothing to do with me (his looking awful), it's simply how he'll be in his life. Constant crisis and angst. I felt nothing except pity. The next time he spirals down into crisis, as he surely will, I think he knows that I'm no longer available to him. Not even as a friend. We're superficial "hey how are you" friends, but I'd never go out of my way for him again. He's too much work, with too little return. And now that I don't even find him physically attractive, he's just not appealing as a person.

 

Yet I still get majorly stressed out. I still wake up sometimes at 4:00 a.m. I know it's not about him... so guess what... it's probably due to the fact that I'm constantly worried about funding, about finishing my qualifying paper, and the four other projects I'm working on, and the 30 undergraduates in the sections I'm teaching this semester, and what I'll be doing in three years' time, whether I'll ever be able to afford a home in an area I want to live, etc. etc. etc. Real worries. Not b.s. worries about a guy who was nice enough at times but is a genuine pain in the a** from a dysfunctional family fraught with alcoholism, dementia, emotional repression and general angst. My own family would have been very worried, and rightly so, had things between me and ex resulted in marriage. Which is what I'd wanted for years and was convinced was the right thing for me. The loss of him was actually a gain for me. And now I'm with someone who more and more emerges as just about everything I've ever really wanted in a man.

 

Love isn't supposed to be endlessly tortuous and complicated. People who love you don't put you through chronic grief. Everyone deserves to be loved: true. Everyone has good qualities in them: true. Someone who's messed up but deep down wants to love and be loved deserves extra consideration from you even though he gives you little or nothing in return: not true.

 

Don't kid yourself: you've got far more important things to be worried about right now than him. Far more promising things that have nothing to do with him. I know how scary they can be. But if you make your choices on their own merits, instead of how they factor into your (at the moment imaginary) relationship with your ex, you'll come out much better.

 

It's not about him. I can pretty much guarantee you that.

[yes]

Thanks again, Midori. Lots to think about here. Meanwhile, I'm gonna spend the evening preparing for a presentation instead of thinking about this... that should be my focus right now.

 

I'm very glad your current r/s is going well, by the way!

 

merci,

-yes

[Care2]

Thank you SO MUCH, Midori.

You have no idea how much I needed to hear your words.

c

[spencer]

wow!!! midori is awesome to reply to you in such detail. remarkable really.

i would sum it up,

he has issues.

he is insecure.

he tells you what he knows you deserve from him, but he cant act on it (again his issues).

he cant make you happy, but he doesn't want to not have you in his life.

talk is cheap.

its nice that he wants to make good for you but that doesn't cut it.

tell him to get serious and make the changes or your gone. then go.

[moimeme]

Sometimes in our enjoyment of our ride on the soft cloud of illusion that our 'happy ever after' is just a hair's breadth away when the object of our affections only realizes he really wants us all along and changes from a bad deal to the ideal. The reality of the relationship was not that great, but in the delightful imaginings viewed through the haze of time, those issues are easy to ignore.

 

Sit down and write out all of the bad things you remember about him and about your time together. When that lovely cloud of idealism threatens to carry you off again, read the list. Memorize it, if you must, and repeat it like a litany every now and then. You have to convince the bit of your brain that wants to keep dwelling in the puffy cloud that it's just an illusion and that real life would be nothing like the fantasy.

[yes]

that's the two things i'm doing:

 

- reminding myself about the "real him" every time he comes to mind (what works best b/c it psses me off is that he's not considerate of the fact that i'm nuts about him - he still flirts, gives tight hugs, kisses me on the cheeck, etc. i think if he was truly sorry for hurting me before, he'd be more careful now, the bastard)

 

- midori is very right that i have soo much up in the air right now, that ANYTHING stable sounds nice. so i'm focusing on the work and decisions that i have to make. it's normal that this causes me a lot of stress, - i've never had my whole life up in the air before!... the weight of freedom. You may ask - yes, now you have many decisions to make, but what about before? Well, i've always been in doubt about my field, about myself, restless in general, - sort of a permanent existential crisis mixed with some issues, so something stable always sounded damn nice. It's much easier to say - Oh, HE's what's wrong with my life, than to admit that there're lots of issues that are entirely up to me to solve.

 

merci,

-yes