Should I go and Dance with the wolves or should I talk to my ex?

[DancesWithWolves]

Hello ladies and gentlemen.

 

I am a great fan of this site. In the recent days after my big break up, I have been reading you guys' posts on loveshack and I must say that I have enjoyed reading them throughly. To all the senior members - I think you guys are a great support for everyone who is in a bad situation about a relationship.

 

The reason I am writing this today is because my ex broke up with me about a week ago, and I am more lost than ever. I must say that this breakup was more mutual, but she was the one who left me. It's been almost 7 years since I first met her. The first 2 years of the relationship was wonderful and I was very much in love. After that, things started going down hill slowly. But to make this short, it ended because I couldn't commit to her anymore. She gave me an ultimatum and I couldn't give her what she demanded of me... The thing that gets me the most is the fact that I broke up with her a week prior to this, and I decided to give it another go... Then a week later she gives me an ultimatum and now we are separated and I told her that it would be best if we break contact permanently. I am a guy who has a fear of commitment and that is why I lost her. Because we have been together for so long and now it's been about 5 days since then, every day is getting harder and harder for me. I am extremely frusturated because I am still so hurt by this, but I don't understand why I am feeling this way, even though when we broke up, everything seemed so clear to me.

 

This woman that I speak of, she still loves me deeply. It's just that if I wasn't going to marry her, then she was just gonna cut her losses and move along; even after almost 7 years. I understand this concept very well because if I were in her situation, I would be doing the same thing, even though I loved that person very much. So I know if I stayed with her and not committ the full 110%, then I would be wasting her time. I respect that. But it's not like I have 0 feelings for her either. I do love her... She loves me... Then what's the problem, right? Well, I'm only 24 years old. I'm just a young buck trying to find my place in this world and in my opinion, I think it's still pretty damn early for me to be getting married. But she said she'll wait another 10 years if she has to, it's just that she wants some kinda assurance like being engaged or something. WHICH IS PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE in this case.

 

Look, I don't wanna waste you guys' time. I understand this situation well enough to know that I have to either fully commit with some kinda proposal or walk away and start another new relationship. But I have some questions that need some kinda 3rd party opinion, because all my friends know her and I so well, and I don't think I'm getting a fair opinion out of my friends because it's a bit personal for them as well. So here are my questions and PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TELL ME FREELY AS TO HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT. IF you think i'm being the bad jerk in this case, please feel free to tell me this. I need some sense knocked into me...

 

1) I love this woman and she loves me back unconditionally. But I feel like I'm too young for marriage (24 yrs old). But I have a lot of doubts because I still think I should date a little more before I can settle down with total satisfaction with myself. But I also think of the fact that I may be letting go a perfectally good relationship and I'm throwing away the love that this person0 is offering me unconditionally. What is the determining factor in this case in you guys' opinions?

 

2) This woman is the love of my life. Now it's over. But how would I live with myself knowing that I threw away this perfect love relationship only because I had a curiousity of dating other women?

 

3) After all these years of this relationship, she left me and she let me go clean. It's a clean slate, this is also an opportunity to really search for someone that felt incomplete with my ex. So do you guys think that maybe this is the chance where I should go fulfill my own dreams?

 

All these questions just made me realize what my true situation on hand is. So I guess it's kinda like Opportunity COST. I had a good relationship. But for some reason, she didn't feel complete inside me and I couldn't commit 100percent. I am a bit too young for marriage or getting engaged. Which one is it going to cost me more? LOSING THIS WOMAN THAT I LOVE, OR FINDING NEW LOVE?

 

I just realized how valuable a woman's unconditional love is and I'm even more hurt than ever before. Please help me. But just remember one thing. I don't need feedbacks like "You should've left her long time ago..." or "She should've left you long time ago..." I am not completely lost in this situation, it's just that I need a 3rd party opinion.

 

Thank You.

 

-John aka DancesWithWolves

[julieg]

here is my opinion after having been in your shoes a long time ago. life is full of tough choices and sorrows as well as love and happiness. to come out of your situation with no regrets and unscathed for the rest of your life is totally unreasonable. this is why our some of our grandparents are so wise. you are only 24- !! don't expect to make perfect decisions cause there are none.

[moimeme]

This woman is the love of my life. Now it's over. But how would I live with myself knowing that I threw away this perfect love relationship only because I had a curiousity of dating other women?

 

If she was truly the 'love of your life', it would be like ripping your own heart out to stop seeing her.

 

I just realized how valuable a woman's unconditional love is

 

You twice spoke about the love she's giving you - but what about you?

 

If the thought of a future without her makes life look bleak, then you may well be in a relationship you will mourn for a long time. If, however, you'll miss her but will go on happily, then it is time to move on.

[DancesWithWolves]

Thanks for you guys' replies. However, when it comes to love, I decided to find love elsewhere. I'm not gonna be a sappy guy dwelling on a woman that left me. Almost 7 years we have dated. I have not cheated on her once and vice versa... But I feel bad about this girl because she gave me so much love (like I said) but I wasn't able to match that to an equal level so that's why she left me /w an ultimatum and I let her go. But do you guys consider this fact? How is it possible for a woman to leave me when she tells me that she loves me unconditionally? If she always reminded me that she loved me so much, then why was she the one who left? I look at it this way... IF, I were in her shoes and I loved this person (me) that much, then there is no reason that I would leave her. So what? So just because she can't take control of her future plans with me, she's gotta leave? After almost 7 years? Hah! Love and Relationships are not a form of a business deal where you backstab your partner just because you can't control this person for your own gain... You guys just be careful out there.

 

Look, I know these words that I just put out may seem like it was out of frusturation and anger, but I'm rather calm. Instead of me feeling sad and lonely for the last week or so, I just realized that there is no point in counting all the "WHAT IF's" when all I had to think about was "WHAT IF I WERE TO ____(FIND) A ___(NEW) ___________(5letter word)??? <-- WOMAN...

 

Deep inside me, I know I want her back. But she left me, so I can't change what happened and I definitely cannot change anything that happens between her and I for the future. But I don't chase women and I don't chase buses. But was she *worth* chasing after? I think so. Actually, without a doubt, yes. But at this point, I simply refuse to be begging to be taken back. I am young, I have ambition, success, money, looks, humor, charisma, intuition, integrity and definitely a helluva lot of confidence know that I'll do my best to fix my mistakes and then DEFINITELY MOVE ON.

 

Let's just do this. There are a lot of men and women that are out there in this site that are troubled by their loved ones. It's either one is dwelling on another or the another is dwelling on the one. As of this moment, I know what it feels like to have your heart just crushed into pieces. But from now on, instead of everyone giving each other grief and condolences, I would personally like to be the one that yells out "HANG IN THERE, YOU CAN DO IT!" or "YOU'LL GET BY JUST FINE AND I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER ONE BETTER!"

 

Thank you.

 

-The Angry Mob