tips on moving on

[hew]

I feel like i try to hard in the none important things in my life, and not hard enough in the important things. For example: i try to hard to please people that i feel dont like me. I try to hard with relationships with boys, who turn out to be a**holes. I try to hard on making myself fit in with others. And then the things i should focus on i dont. For example: i am a musician and i know i need to focus more on that, I need to get out and exercise and spend time with good people. But i cannot always seem to take my own advice.

 

I had lost my best friend, and all my other friends along with her because of her. i switched schools and made a few new people but nobody who is truly an amazing friendship. Its sometimes depressing.

 

I dont have a father because my whole life he has treated my mother and i horribly and now has nothing to do with me.

 

I just feel like some of these factors of my past make me feel like im not good enoguh in my future. between failed relationships with my best friend, my own father, and boys i have dated. I just need some advice on how to forget my mistakes and move on, to be happy for me, and to realize that these are all stepping stones. You see, i relaize all this, i just cant put it into action!

[welikeincrowds]

You see, i relaize all this, i just cant put it into action!

Yes you can.

 

By the way, I can commiserate with having an absent father. It really f***s with everything. (Coincidentally? Maybe not?) I am struggling with issues very similar to yours, and I was actually about to post a thread about it. I will probably hold off on doing so having seen yours.

 

One important understanding that has helped me lately is that this really has all to do with self-esteem, and I do mean all of it. Everything you describe. What's really ****ed up is that low self-esteem makes you feel helpless, but feeling like you can't make decisions or you don't have options also has the effect of lowering your self-esteem. It's a bit of a horrible cycle in that way.

 

But's also freeing, knowing that this has everything to do with how you value yourself. It's an internal struggle that you can win, because you get to decide, you and no one else, whether or not you like you.

 

One idea that has been helping me lately is that self-esteem is something like having respect for who you are. That means who are you are now, in the present; not what you've done, or who you were, in the past.

 

I think a key to growing self-esteem is to act in a way that you would respect in others. It sounds tautological, but picture it. Imagine that you acted like a person that you would really want to meet, be friends with, admire, become close to; if not the situation you are in, but all the decisions you made with regards to that situation, were decisions you would admire if others made. I think this might be a quick way to grow faith in yourself. I think there might be power in imagining it in another person, too -- we are much more forgiving about what others do than what we do (especially people like us, with low self-esteem).

 

Following on this, the best way to enact this philosophy is to put most of your energy in things you can be proud of. Committing to getting healthy and exercising -- doing it because you admire when others do it, and more importantly, would be proud of yourself for doing it, and can feel achievement for it -- is probably an example of this that resonates with most people.

 

Unfortunately, I am in the same position as you, so I cannot say for certain that I have an answer. But I'm trying to feel my way through this problem that I've had since adolescence. Hopefully we can make progress together.

[proactivedreamer]

.

 

One idea that has been helping me lately is that self-esteem is something like having respect for who you are. That means who are you are now, in the present; not what you've done, or who you were, in the past.

 

I think a key to growing self-esteem is to act in a way that you would respect in others. It sounds tautological, but picture it. Imagine that you acted like a person that you would really want to meet, be friends with, admire, become close to; if not the situation you are in, but all the decisions you made with regards to that situation, were decisions you would admire if others made. I think this might be a quick way to grow faith in yourself. I think there might be power in imagining it in another person, too -- we are much more forgiving about what others do than what we do (especially people like us, with low self-esteem).

 

Following on this, the best way to enact this philosophy is to put most of your energy in things you can be proud of. Committing to getting healthy and exercising -- doing it because you admire when others do it, and more importantly, would be proud of yourself for doing it, and can feel achievement for it -- is probably an example of this that resonates with most people.

 

Unfortunately, I am in the same position as you, so I cannot say for certain that I have an answer. But I'm trying to feel my way through this problem that I've had since adolescence. Hopefully we can make progress together.

 

 

Wow, I really resonated with most of what you said here. I, too, struggle a great deal with low self-esteem. I was raised in foster care and had a rough childhood especially the initial formative years, but for the most part I have overcome those difficulties and tragedies. It's interesting, I spoke with my biological grandmother yesterday about the importance of parents and how they effect the growth of their offspring. It was a very sorrowful conversation because it seems that many children are met with the selfishness of their parents. I, fortunately, have for the most forgiven my parents(both foster and biological) for not being the best they could be for me to grow optimally. I accept what I can not change about the past and now I have a chance to build a promising future. I think, as I always say, we all have to be vigilant to not let the struggles of life dishearten us and bring us down. So many people throughout history have triumphed in the face of grave dangers and challenges, and I think, in moments when we feel like we aren't worth anything, we should consider those who have had it worse and look to them as beacons for the dark times we may go through. Life is hard but I think it is how we choose to see our struggles and ourselves that will get us through. For me, recovering my self-esteem and belief in my own capacity to achieve "great things" is something I have to do step by step, day by day. It isn't easy but I always remind myself that only I can save myself. I am responsible for my life and ultimately have to make sound decisions about how I am going to live it. Some people opt for the path of least resistance and could care less about the quality of their lives because they feel that they don't matter, but I think that is such a dismal way to view life, and I choose to believe that everyday matters and how I live matters. One has to be vigilant and hold steadfastly to the idea that quality of life always matters. This is something I try to remind myself of everyday...I hope you do to because you matter.

[hew]

Thank you both so much, your words make me so happy to read and know that i am not alone! i would love to talk more with both of you