Is my wife controlling?

[Logan0666]

I have been married for about 6 months but we have been together for about 4 years now. Since I didn't have as many relationships as most people (less than 2) I might either be completely in the right or quite frankly incredibly wrong.

 

Here's the scenario. I have a tendency to feel very uneasy when I am out with my friends because I feel as though my wife at home is waiting anxiously and angrily because I am not home. Now, I don't know what a good curfew is but I assume that it's different for everyone. In my case, I finish work at around 10 to 1030pm and although I don't go out so often, maybe once or twice a month, I am never comfortable being out without the wife because it might make her upset with me. Therefore I can never enjoy myself and the few times my friends/coworkers persuade me to join them for dinner and a few drinks, I am only filled with uneasiness. It might sound crazy for me to behave this way but I have adequate reasons for feeling this way and that's because the wife DOES get angry... (99% of the time)

 

So I came home the other day around 1 am and the wife wasn't home because she had to take care of something with her parents for the night. Basically, I went out with friends to grab some late dinner b/c my work finishes so late and possibly grab a drink or two. My wife knows everyone I meet up with because we have all hung out on more than one occasion.

 

When I got home, she was furious with me because her argument is that I do "whatever" I want regardless of what she thinks. I have always kept a part of myself, if not all of myself, wondering and thinking about her but from her perspective, "I disregard her feelings and do whatever the hell i want". She even told me on many occasions that I "should" go meet my friends, grab some food, and just have some fun. I never abused this gesture from her. I went out on two consecutive wednesdays and her argument is that I have been doing this on a weekly routine... Simply put from her perspective, I'm going out every week and coming home at dawn...

 

I think this is absurd... It's not like I meet up with random people, hit up a bar, get drunk, and come home the following day. I simply go out with my friends (who she all knows and are very comfortable with), go to a local bar that me and my wife frequently visit, and spend an hour or two just relaxing moderately. I know that 1am might be late but seeing as how i finish work at 1030, head out and get to the hangout area around a little before 11, 1am isn't such a late time. When I tried to explain to her that I'm not out doing disrespectful acts, lying to her, or going to places that she doesn't approve of... her response, in a condescending manner was, "OHHH I should be thanking you for not doing those things then huh?!" which i have no response to because it's so ridiculous.

 

Am I doing something wrong? Is my wife controlling or insecure? what is a possible resolution for this issue?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I have been married for about 6 months but we have been together for about 4 years now. Since I didn't have as many relationships as most people (less than 2) I might either be completely in the right or quite frankly incredibly wrong.

 

Here's the scenario. I have a tendency to feel very uneasy when I am out with my friends because I feel as though my wife at home is waiting anxiously and angrily because I am not home. Now, I don't know what a good curfew is but I assume that it's different for everyone. In my case, I finish work at around 10 to 1030pm and although I don't go out so often, maybe once or twice a month, I am never comfortable being out without the wife because it might make her upset with me. Therefore I can never enjoy myself and the few times my friends/coworkers persuade me to join them for dinner and a few drinks, I am only filled with uneasiness. It might sound crazy for me to behave this way but I have adequate reasons for feeling this way and that's because the wife DOES get angry... (99% of the time)

 

So I came home the other day around 1 am and the wife wasn't home because she had to take care of something with her parents for the night. Basically, I went out with friends to grab some late dinner b/c my work finishes so late and possibly grab a drink or two. My wife knows everyone I meet up with because we have all hung out on more than one occasion.

 

When I got home, she was furious with me because her argument is that I do "whatever" I want regardless of what she thinks. I have always kept a part of myself, if not all of myself, wondering and thinking about her but from her perspective, "I disregard her feelings and do whatever the hell i want". She even told me on many occasions that I "should" go meet my friends, grab some food, and just have some fun. I never abused this gesture from her. I went out on two consecutive wednesdays and her argument is that I have been doing this on a weekly routine... Simply put from her perspective, I'm going out every week and coming home at dawn...

 

I think this is absurd... It's not like I meet up with random people, hit up a bar, get drunk, and come home the following day. I simply go out with my friends (who she all knows and are very comfortable with), go to a local bar that me and my wife frequently visit, and spend an hour or two just relaxing moderately. I know that 1am might be late but seeing as how i finish work at 1030, head out and get to the hangout area around a little before 11, 1am isn't such a late time. When I tried to explain to her that I'm not out doing disrespectful acts, lying to her, or going to places that she doesn't approve of... her response, in a condescending manner was, "OHHH I should be thanking you for not doing those things then huh?!" which i have no response to because it's so ridiculous.

 

Am I doing something wrong? Is my wife controlling or insecure? what is a possible resolution for this issue?

 

You are probably young, and don't understand the marriage dynamic yet. Does your wife work? Different hours? Can she join you after work with the group?

 

Your wife is a bully, insecure, demanding and controlling. Very simply you need to stand up now, tell her you will be going out 1-2X's/mth after work, she is welcome to join and that she is unreasonable.

[Logan0666]

We're both in our mid 20's and marriage life has only lasted for 6 months now. So yes, we are very new to the marriage life. Also, we're both very new to being in a relationship. Although we have been together for about 4 years now, we are each other's first serious relationship that lasted longer than a few months. We got married because things just clicked. I mean, when it's good, it's AMAZING! but when things are bad.... good god I wanna just stab myself because I get so frustrated.

 

In terms of my wife, she is working on Mon Wed and Fri. I would love for her to join me and that's one of the many reasons i wanted to get married with her b/c i want to do everything with her. Unfortunately she had some business to take care of the following morning so coming out was out of the question. It's like if she's not out, I shouldn't be out. And now her argument is that since I stay out late whenever I want, she will do exactly the same so I can feel how she feels. The funny thing is, I encourage her to get out there. I trust her and I know I don't have to worry about her doing some deeming acts.

 

As of right now, I stand up to her when I know I haven't done anything to disrespect her. I know I deserve to have some rights and privileges but I don't know why she is always upset when I want to spend some me time.

 

I really appreciate your feedback but what would be the best way of going about this? I really would like to communicate with her but everything always turns into an argument. She twists my words around and it drives me nuts.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She twists my words around and it drives me nuts.

 

Women are great at that....

 

Real simple.... You tell her that she has more free time then you and ask her how you should feel not knowing what she is doing or could be doing while you work. Then placate her (yes being condescending) and organize nights out Monday, Wednesday or Friday, when she is available to join you and she is not working the next day. If she loves to argue and be a drama queen, then you'll realize very quick that is the case if she can't agree to that.....

[Alma Mobley]

She's acting controlling because she is insecure. That is something she (and maybe you) needs to work on. I agree with TDP that you should stand your ground, though. You're obviously doing nothing wrong and don't let her get away with keeping you from going out. Bad precedent. But if you hold your ground as you've been doing and let her know she is welcome to join you at any time, that's all you need to do and it's up to her to choose how to feel about it. She won't respect you if you give in to her unreasonable demands.

 

Also, TDP is right about making time to do something with her on a different night. I think I'd be bummed if my husband went out once a week but we never got out together.

[Linda9999]

I agree that she's insecure. Do you know why she is this way? Has anyone ever given her reason to be like this that you know of?

 

What she is doing is quite controlling, but I think you need to try and understand where she's coming from. I don't get the impression that you think she's doing this just out of spite or anything, so there must be a deeper reason. What happens when you try to talk to her calmly?

 

Are you able to go home and get her and take her with you most of the time when you do this? Maybe if you offer to do this every single time, even after she refuses one time ask the next, she'll settle down.

[Logan0666]

it seems as though the responses are unanimous. I'm a kinda stubborn guy sometimes, especially when I know I'm not wrong. In this case, no matter how I think about it, I don't know why she would respond this way.

 

unfortunately, this fight has escalated into a whole new level. Wife came back more upset and she has a new resolution that is far from acceptable.

 

Here's the gist: we had our fight on day one. she stormed out and didnt come back til morning. She came back that morning and accused me of not being considerate enough to call her. I was so worried but i dont know if i made the mistake of not calling. Anyways, in the morning the fight escalated a notch and there was the whole argument of how I felt that she was too controlling in the relationship. Her response was that she was in no way controlling me and that it was absurd. She got even angrier and left.

 

Now we come to the night after the fight. She had time to think, i had time to think and I realized that we have to talk things through and find a midpoint. Unfortunately from her perspective, there's nothing to salvage and we should do our own separate things. Not divorce or anything but she does her thing, and i do my thing like simple acquaintances. Her arrangement went as far as meeting someone who could understand her. Although she said she wouldn't do anything like go to 2nd base or home with the guy, she would need someone to comfort her. FYI I was never the type of person to leave her side when she needed me. I was always there when she had rough times. I can't believe this came out of her mouth. I simply told her that this was a retarded thing to do and if that's your plan, we should get divorced before anything like that happens. I am totally against getting a divorce but I don't know how to compromise this issue.

[Linda9999]

I think she's already cheating on you. Going away overnight and talking about finding someone else to comfort her?? Dude, that's some huge warning signs there.

 

Get into counseling pronto, with or without her. You sound like a genuine guy, I hope you don't get hurt too badly here

[GorillaTheater]

Her arrangement went as far as meeting someone who could understand her. Although she said she wouldn't do anything like go to 2nd base or home with the guy, she would need someone to comfort her. FYI I was never the type of person to leave her side when she needed me. I was always there when she had rough times. I can't believe this came out of her mouth. I simply told her that this was a retarded thing to do and if that's your plan, we should get divorced before anything like that happens. I am totally against getting a divorce but I don't know how to compromise this issue.

 

Good job in drawying your line in the sand. My initial thought in reading your first post was "yeah, she's pretty controlling, but it only becomes a big issue if you allow yourself to be controlled."

 

But we're in a whole new ballgame now. She essentially wants to be "room mates" and what may well amount to an open marriage. Neither one would be remotely acceptable in my book. You're supposed to be still on your honeymoon, not dealing with this senseless crap. Keep drawing hard lines with her crap behavior and don't allow her to twist your perceptions of what you know is right and wrong.

[Eddie Edirol]

Seems like shes lost her attraction to you and has been close to- if not already - emotionally checking out of your relationship, which is why she is completely unreasonable. She wants to start seeing another guy for support to understand her? Dont let her try to be slick, you see it already, just divorce now. She has no intention on working on this marriage. If she doesnt want to have a civil talk about it, you gotta go.

[FryFish]

Ya... suggesting that she meet someone else to "understand and comfort" her?!?!?!?! She is already ****ing another guy dude.

[yessy21]

oooo boy shes cheating on u. all the way. shes a smart gal. she wants to secure her ground before jumping ship. and she has it all worked up as if it is all ur fault. very smart indeed my friend.

[sally4sara]

Here's the scenario. I have a tendency to feel very uneasy when I am out with my friends because I feel as though my wife at home is waiting anxiously and angrily because I am not home. Now, I don't know what a good curfew is but I assume that it's different for everyone. In my case, I finish work at around 10 to 1030pm and although I don't go out so often, maybe once or twice a month, I am never comfortable being out without the wife because it might make her upset with me. Therefore I can never enjoy myself and the few times my friends/coworkers persuade me to join them for dinner and a few drinks, I am only filled with uneasiness.

 

This gives me the impression that when you do go out after work, you don't bother calling to let her know to not expect you at the normal time. If you called first to let her know - there would be no reason to feel uneasy about how she might react to it, the phone call would be the indicator of how she feels about it.

 

My ex husband and I went round and round about this one all the time. His take was I was always pissed when he went out. My take was I would not have been pissed ever if I had not been left wondering and worried something bad happened to him.

 

Do you call and let her know to not expect you at normal time? Or do you just go out and leave her wondering? If its the first one and she still gets pissed you might have a problem on your hands. If you don't bother calling first then its you causing the conflict.

[Alma Mobley]

Wow, what a crazy turn of events. Now I'm not even sure if this is about insecurity. Maybe the others are right and it was more about projecting -- she is unfaithful herself, so she doesn't trust you going out on your own. That she would put out there that she wants separate lives and to find another man for comfort is outright bizarre and indeed does make me wonder if someone else is already in the picture!

[Jack & Coke]

If she's not cheating, as others suggested, she's definitely sh*t testing you.

 

Read this, google Sh*t tests, and assess whether it applies to your relationship. I'm not there every day, but it sounds like she's dying for you to set her straight.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think she is testing you

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think she's telling you in an immature manner something that is quite mature on the base level: she doesn't want a marriage where her husband is off at the bar with his buddies.

 

So what are you going to do? Are you up for a marriage where you don't go off to the bar with your buddies? If not, perhaps you are too immature for marriage.

 

I don't think she's cheating, or she wouldn't want you home. She'd be encouraging you to spend MORE time with your pals, because that would free her up for her affair. Which she isn't having, imho.

 

People who call their spouses 'controlling' are really saying, "I know what his/her complaint is, but I don't want to do anything about it!" If you want to have a long and happy marriage, address your spouse's complaints. She's throwing hissy fits and making threats because she doesn't know how else to get through to you that your actions are HURTING her.