Lexygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Ok I can no longer keep quiet about a very serious and upsetting issue on this forum !! I cringe each and everytime I start reading a new thread that someone (male or female) has started on here asking for help because their SO has said they are confused or need space or feel disconnected or don't feel 'in love' anymore, etc..... Because I know the next posts are going to be ppl saying "Oh there has to be someone else in the picture" ... "Oh watch out for an affair" bla bla !!!!!!!!!!!! This really urks me because these ppl are coming here for advice. It's not a given that everyone who feels disconnected or is upset about their marriage is having an affair !! This is being said by ppl who have been hurt and tainted by their own SOs having affairs. It's not fair to automatically assume everyone else is in that same situation. I can almost hear readers who are in this group saying "Oh well you had affairs" .... Yes, I did while we were separated BUT that was after 18 years of marriage and a good 2 years of feeling 'disconnected'. Not saying it was his fault --- the blame resides with both of us BUT had he or I had enough insight to seek help during the 2 years of feeling disconnected, neither one of us would have been looking for a way out but that is me... I feel for ppl who come on here and want some good advice. Yes, there are some ppl who give amazing, objective advice and yes, it's always a possibility that the person feeling 'not in love anymore' is having an affair but must we always automatically assume this or dwell completely on this as a given? It's not productive. It puts so much emphasis on it that it may be skewing the OPs overall outlook and the big picture gets clouded and overlooked. Lexy Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Lexy...I'm going to tell you point blank that I totally disagree with you. I've been here a LONG time. I've seen a LOT of stories. And there are red flags that almost always indicate an affair. The sooner that this is figured out, the better odds of recovering the marriage. I'm gonna tell you...I'm not changing how I post. Feel free to post a counterpoint to any post of mine you disagree with, but don't expect a change in how others post. Just not gonna happen, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Actually, I am not speaking of any particular thread(s), but I agree with OP that there are way too many assumptions about affairs, infidelity, etc on these boards... I for one am 99.9% sure that my wife is faithful, but I know if I posted half the crap she says and does (from my point of view), the majority of the responses would assume that there is something going on with someone else... or that she would like something to be going on with someone else - I sometimes think that myself when I am not thinking clearly. An even better example. As far as my I know my wife doesn't post here. But if she were to post the things that she says are driving us apart (workaholism, too much seperation during the day, lack of patience, occasional anger, and/or other issues), then combined with her insecurities, I would figure that many responses would lead down the same path. IE, your husband has another woman, he has his cake and is eating it too, or at least "are you sure he is faithful?," etc, etc, etc.... I know 100+% that I am and always have been faithful both physically and emotionally! The assumption on these boards tend to be there is someone else... it may be a very common reason for divorce, but that can not be an assumed in most cases. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I only give my opinion based upon what I read, and I only offer my advice based upon what I think. If I think there is a third party involved on clouding someone's mind I'll say so. The thing is when those red flags are there and a person is clouded and in a fog almost NOTHING spouse does will have any impact until either that fog is lifted or there is exposure. I wish someone had gotten through to me about the potential for my wife's affair. It's not something I could even fathom at the time. Does this impact my perspective, yes it does, but it is well earned. People come here and they need advice; there is no doubt of that, and in that they must be given advice based upon what they (he or she) are telling us. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I agree and disagree with the OP and Owl. Some signs do point to the possibility of an affair, but I have also seen on the board certain posters almost in every situation that the marriage is in trouble saying that the spouse is having an affair. These posters are speaking from their experiences and applying their tainted view of things to everyone's marriage. Not every spouse that is unhappy is cheating, that's just a fact. I think something I find more troublesome is when one or more posters suggest that the OP's spouse is having an affair and then when the OP says that they are sure that their spouse is not having an affair the posters press the issue. IMO the OP always knows their spouse better than some random people off the internet and if they say they are sure their partner is not having an affair there is no point in forcing the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Lexy...I'm going to tell you point blank that I totally disagree with you. I've been here a LONG time. I've seen a LOT of stories. And there are red flags that almost always indicate an affair. Damn right. Everytime they say that I'm not in love crap they're having another man/woman or GIGS. The sooner that this is figured out, the better odds of recovering the marriage. Don't agree with that. Sometimes divorce is inevitable for cheaters. I'm gonna tell you...I'm not changing how I post. Feel free to post a counterpoint to any post of mine you disagree with, but don't expect a change in how others post. Just not gonna happen, my friend. Love this right here. People don't need to look at my "bitter posts" if it's so offending to them. And Lexi I've taken the time to read your threads and you haven't even told your own husband about all of your affairs, so let's not even get on other's situations. And people came to get advice, not validation for what they're doing. They want our opinions on their threads then they don't need to be in attack/defense mode when someone replies to their thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Don't agree with that. Sometimes divorce is inevitable for cheaters. And where divorce is inevitable because of cheating, this starts that ball rolling sooner as well. But...many marriages do recover after infidelity...and typically those that do are the ones where the situation is dealt with quickly and directly. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 And where divorce is inevitable because of cheating, this starts that ball rolling sooner as well. But...many marriages do recover after infidelity...and typically those that do are the ones where the situation is dealt with quickly and directly. And...many marriages fail because the WS was unremorseful and/or the BS just simply couldn't handle the cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I only give my opinion based upon what I read, and I only offer my advice based upon what I think. If I think there is a third party involved on clouding someone's mind I'll say so. The thing is when those red flags are there and a person is clouded and in a fog almost NOTHING spouse does will have any impact until either that fog is lifted or there is exposure. I wish someone had gotten through to me about the potential for my wife's affair. It's not something I could even fathom at the time. Does this impact my perspective, yes it does, but it is well earned. People come here and they need advice; there is no doubt of that, and in that they must be given advice based upon what they (he or she) are telling us. Absolutely agree with this! I really wish that I had listened to the advice on this board- then perhaps I would've moved on more quickly and got some closure. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) I agree and disagree with the OP and Owl. Some signs do point to the possibility of an affair, but I have also seen on the board certain posters almost in every situation that the marriage is in trouble saying that the spouse is having an affair. These posters are speaking from their experiences and applying their tainted view of things to everyone's marriage. Not every spouse that is unhappy is cheating, that's just a fact. I think something I find more troublesome is when one or more posters suggest that the OP's spouse is having an affair and then when the OP says that they are sure that their spouse is not having an affair the posters press the issue. IMO the OP always knows their spouse better than some random people off the internet and if they say they are sure their partner is not having an affair there is no point in forcing the issue. I think the advice that is being given when someone posts about the OP checking for the possibility of an affair and "pressing" is being misinterpreted. All the posters are doing is giving the "heads up" to the OP asking for advice because it is a VERY common story on here for someone to start out with "there's no way, my spouse would never cheat" to a few weeks down the road "OMG he/she has been cheating with a co worker", it's really, really common. I don't get the impression anyone is tained by their own experience on this board, I myself have given the same advice re cheating based on my observations form reading on this board for over two years, my ex didn't cheat! I think people are just trying to help, just putting it out there to be checked, I don't think anyone is suggesting it is a fore gone conclusion. Plus if people cannot bring their experience to the table then what exactly is the point of this forum? Surely we come here for other perspectives, ideas and support? Plus, at least these people care enough to post to try and help others, there are plenty here who seem to just take, never giving any support back to those who support them. Whilst that might be because the person is too distraught at the present time in some cases, in others, I get the impression it is indicative of their personality. Of course, it is not a requirement of LS to give back. Edited March 15, 2011 by willowthewisp Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Any advice that I give, is based on needing to find out if there is an Affair going on as the way of dealing with it is very different. Sadly it seems that in the majority of situations that is indeed the case. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 the blame resides with both of us Lexy Actually the issues in your marriage are both your faults. No disrespect meant to you but the affair is ENTIRELY your fault. Why can't people just darn well admit it... Someone held a gun at your head and forced you to have an affair? I don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 sadly when my wife left and threw out the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" in marriage counseling I had no idea that was female code for I've met someone else. I really didn't believe for months that there was someone else until my son started dropping his name. unfortunately, alot of times women won't leave unless they have someone else waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Ok I can no longer keep quiet about a very serious and upsetting issue on this forum !! I cringe each and everytime I start reading a new thread that someone (male or female) has started on here asking for help because their SO has said they are confused or need space or feel disconnected or don't feel 'in love' anymore, etc..... Because I know the next posts are going to be ppl saying "Oh there has to be someone else in the picture" ... "Oh watch out for an affair" bla bla !!!!!!!!!!!! I used to kind of feel the way you do, Lexy. But, I guess from my own experience with infidelity and hanging around on LS long enough, that more often than not, there is some type of outside interest on the part of one of the spouses. Not always, but these things tend to read like scripts. Maybe I'm jaded but there are certain patterns. Especially when a spouse suddenly wants out of a marriage when a month or two before, this spouse was just fine. This really urks me because these ppl are coming here for advice. It's not a given that everyone who feels disconnected or is upset about their marriage is having an affair !! This is being said by ppl who have been hurt and tainted by their own SOs having affairs. It's not fair to automatically assume everyone else is in that same situation. Again, I used to agree with this stance somewhat. However, people are going to post from their own perspective. We all do this, no matter what type of advice we are giving. BTW, I don't think I'm tainted by my experience with infidelity. It's just that I've been there, done that. If I feel I can contribute something, I will post. I feel for ppl who come on here and want some good advice. Yes, there are some ppl who give amazing, objective advice and yes, it's always a possibility that the person feeling 'not in love anymore' is having an affair but must we always automatically assume this or dwell completely on this as a given? It's not productive. It puts so much emphasis on it that it may be skewing the OPs overall outlook and the big picture gets clouded and overlooked. Lexy Look, when I was in the midst of pain and confusion during my H's affair, I joined another marriage forum board (not LS) looking for advice. I was never hit over the head with a 2x4 about the possibility of my H cheating. Instead, I was given mild-mannered questions, "do you think there could be someone else?" It turned out my H was cheating. WHen I went back and read my threads--about a year later--it was so obvious. Yet, no one really tried to get me to see the reality of my situation. Like OWL said, I could have, with the right advice, nipped the affair in the bud MUCH sooner. I wish I had been hit over the head--or found LS a lot sooner. Anyone who is experiencing this type of traumatic event in their marriage is a newbie at first. They might not believe that their spouse is cheating--because they are still a bit naive and/or trusting of their spouse. I don't think it hurts anything to put the question out there--especially if the signs are there--a sudden emotional withdrawal, a sudden push for divorce, unexplained absences, etc. And in the vast majority of the stories here, these red flags are often present. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I can almost hear readers who are in this group saying "Oh well you had affairs" .... Yes, I did while we were separated BUT that was after 18 years of marriage and a good 2 years of feeling 'disconnected'. Not saying it was his fault --- the blame resides with both of us BUT had he or I had enough insight to seek help during the 2 years of feeling disconnected, neither one of us would have been looking for a way out but that is me... Just wanted to add...then your perspective as a WS in a disconnected marriage can be extra helpful to a confused, hurting spouse who is wondering why their spouse is suddenly checking out of the marriage. You can understand how the WS feels and can offer your perspective. Feeling "disconnected" is one of the precursors to an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Actually the issues in your marriage are both your faults. It's not always both people's fault and in her case, it's not. No disrespect meant to you but the affair is ENTIRELY your fault. Why can't people just darn well admit it... Someone held a gun at your head and forced you to have an affair? I don't think so. And she hasn't even told him about the rest of her affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Welcome Back Lexygirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexygirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Ty... I think lol Link to post Share on other sites
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