"Because I'm worth it"

[OWoman]

I have seen several posts where OWs / OMs or BSs have been told not to settle for less than they are worth (a WS) and I have seen several other posts where "happy" OWs / OMs or reconciling BSs insist that they are not settling, but are getting what they want / need for now and are prepared to put in the effort to ensure that in the longer term they get what they want ultimately.

 

So, a more general question (for anyone):

 

* Do you think the R you are currently in is what you are "worth"?

 

* If so, how do you measure your "worth" and ensure that that remains so?

 

* If not, what needs to change - and what are your prospects for changing it, and how long are you prepared to "settle" for it as it is before you cash in your chips and move on?

[BB07]

I guess I don't fit in any of "the categories" because I'm a XOW but I thought I'd answer anyway since you later said anyone.

 

* Do you think the R you are currently in is what you are "worth"?

 

I'm not in a R and I'm good with that, possibly for the 1st time in my life I'm really good with that and I'm proud of me for not jumping too quickly into something to numb the pain.

 

* If so, how do you measure your "worth" and ensure that that remains so?

 

I'm trying my best to learn to not measure my worth by a relationship and since I'm not in one, that's a good place to start and I'm fine with it.

 

* If not, what needs to change - and what are your prospects for changing it, and how long are you prepared to "settle" for it as it is before you cash in your chips and move on?

 

I guess this is N/A for me but in regards to my alone state, if I meet someone that I'm interested in I will evaluate where I'm at and if I'm ready to take a risk and more importantly if they are worth that risk.

[OWoman]

I guess I don't fit in any of "the categories" because I'm a XOW but I thought I'd answer anyway since you later said anyone.

 

yes, it was meant for anyone, not just the categories that prompted me thinking the thoughts that led to this thread. Sorry if that wasn't clear enough.

 

* Do you think the R you are currently in is what you are "worth"?

 

I'm not in a R and I'm good with that, possibly for the 1st time in my life I'm really good with that and I'm proud of me for not jumping too quickly into something to numb the pain.

 

* If so, how do you measure your "worth" and ensure that that remains so?

 

I'm trying my best to learn to not measure my worth by a relationship and since I'm not in one, that's a good place to start and I'm fine with it.

 

* If not, what needs to change - and what are your prospects for changing it, and how long are you prepared to "settle" for it as it is before you cash in your chips and move on?

 

I guess this is N/A for me but in regards to my alone state, if I meet someone that I'm interested in I will evaluate where I'm at and if I'm ready to take a risk and more importantly if they are worth that risk.

 

Your bolded comment is a very good point - I think especially for women, who are socialised in many cases to see their worth exactly in terms of Rs and kids.

 

For myself, I tend to equate the "worthy" R with whatever I have chosen (as in, made a conscious, fully informed choice in favour of) and am happy in at the time, which of course has meant different things at different times - including sometimes being alone, and sometimes being not so alone. But your point is very well taken! thanks

[myname]

I guess I don't fit in any of "the categories" because I'm a XOW but I thought I'd answer anyway since you later said anyone.

 

* Do you think the R you are currently in is what you are "worth"?

 

I'm not in a R and I'm good with that, possibly for the 1st time in my life I'm really good with that and I'm proud of me for not jumping too quickly into something to numb the pain.

 

* If so, how do you measure your "worth" and ensure that that remains so?

 

I'm trying my best to learn to not measure my worth by a relationship and since I'm not in one, that's a good place to start and I'm fine with it.

 

* If not, what needs to change - and what are your prospects for changing it, and how long are you prepared to "settle" for it as it is before you cash in your chips and move on?

 

I guess this is N/A for me but in regards to my alone state, if I meet someone that I'm interested in I will evaluate where I'm at and if I'm ready to take a risk and more importantly if they are worth that risk.

 

I think the underlined's the thing, don't measure your worth by any relationship. A relationship may or may not be worthy of you.

[26pointblue]

I think the underlined's the thing, don't measure your worth by any relationship. A relationship may or may not be worthy of you.

 

I agree with this. And regarding above posts, I have never wanted to define myself by marriage or kids. I'm not really interested in either. If they happen, coolio. But my worth is separate and apart from a relationship or man.

 

Right now I'm in an affair but I don't feel like I'm settling. I feel like it's exactly where I want to be right now. I think people who want marriage & kids, & assume everyone else does too, automatically think I'm settling. I just feel differently. I think a lot of times people settle for a partner to marry & have kids with. I am absolutely gaga over MM, & He is the same about me. So I suppose it"s all in how 'settling' is defined.

[fooled once]

I have seen several posts where OWs / OMs or BSs have been told not to settle for less than they are worth (a WS) and I have seen several other posts where "happy" OWs / OMs or reconciling BSs insist that they are not settling, but are getting what they want / need for now and are prepared to put in the effort to ensure that in the longer term they get what they want ultimately.

 

So, a more general question (for anyone):

 

* Do you think the R you are currently in is what you are "worth"?

 

* If so, how do you measure your "worth" and ensure that that remains so?

 

* If not, what needs to change - and what are your prospects for changing it, and how long are you prepared to "settle" for it as it is before you cash in your chips and move on?

 

I believe lots of people settle - and I believe they do so because they fear being alone. Not many people want to sit home alone all the time. Even minimal communication is better than no communication. Many people just thrive on attention - and it doesn't matter who it is from or how often it is. I feel sad for people who are like that I believe those people aren't comfortable with themselves and use other people to bring them happiness because they aren't happy with themselves. IMHO, people who aren't happy in their relationship have options (1) decide what is making them unhappy and find a resolution with their partner to make sure both their needs/happiness are being met or (2) end the relationship prior to inviting another person into the relationship for sex or companionship.

 

Me? I'm very happy. I didn't settle. I wouldn't change a thing about my marriage

[seren]

I have seen several posts where OWs / OMs or BSs have been told not to settle for less than they are worth (a WS) and I have seen several other posts where "happy" OWs / OMs or reconciling BSs insist that they are not settling, but are getting what they want / need for now and are prepared to put in the effort to ensure that in the longer term they get what they want ultimately.

 

So, a more general question (for anyone):

 

* Do you think the R you are currently in is what you are "worth"?

In any relationship I have had, if I thought the relationship wasn't worth it, I left. So, to answer the question truthfully, I think that I expected better, given that H had an A, however, despite and since the A, we have a better relationship as we both learned to communicate better after a time of huge turmoil. Any relationship is, or should be based on reciprocity, that ours is and that I and he are happy makes it worth it and therefore makes it worthy and ultimately it is what I am worth.

 

* If so, how do you measure your "worth" and ensure that that remains so?

I don't see it so much as what I am worth, but what our relationship is worth, of course if it wasn't working for me then I would leave, no question I never, ever settle for anything less than what I am happy with. As our marriage is a long term one we have changed, our relationship has changed, but it has always been worth it, or else I wouldn't have stayed on after D Day.

 

I measure my worth by my expectations of myself, what I am prepared to accept, what makes me happy and how I view myself. If I cannot look at myself and be happy with who I am, how can I expect respect from myself and others. That measures my worth. I ensure that my self worth remains so by not compromising my values or expectations about 'me' If not, then I don't see how anyone else should. It's the line in the sand I draw for me, if it becomes blurred I don't ignore it, I stop, examine if I am happy with it and readjust, but ultimately it isn't the things I do, but who and what I am that matters.

 

* If not, what needs to change - and what are your prospects for changing it, and how long are you prepared to "settle" for it as it is before you cash in your chips and move on?

 

I never, ever settle for less than what makes me happy. I married twice before my H, when the marriages went south, I tried to make them work, they didn't so I left. When H was being a pain in the butt during his A, I thought it was something else, had he said it was an A and he wasn't ending it, I sure as hell wouldn't have settled, I would have cashed in the chips and left. No one should ever settle for something that isn't making them happy. We have just one life. I hold to the view that if my actions have consequences that affect others, I thnk of those before acting, however, if those actions simply affect me, then I make that decision on what suits me best.

 

Interesting questions OWoman which I have, as per usual drifted in answering.

[daisy love]

i dont consider myself settling. I consider myself waiting. I know my MM loves me. He has asked me to give him time to get things going. Overall I am very happy with him. I of course wish I could see him more than I do, but I will make do with what time he has for now. I am hoping by the end of summer, things will be moving towards us being together.

[seren]

Daisy, can I ask how long your are prepared to wait, you say until the summer and I wonder what if it doesn't change then. Does the waiting then become settling? Not bashing you, just curious, of course feel free to ignore.

[OWoman]

[/b]

 

I never, ever settle for less than what makes me happy. I married twice before my H, when the marriages went south, I tried to make them work, they didn't so I left. When H was being a pain in the butt during his A, I thought it was something else, had he said it was an A and he wasn't ending it, I sure as hell wouldn't have settled, I would have cashed in the chips and left. No one should ever settle for something that isn't making them happy. We have just one life. I hold to the view that if my actions have consequences that affect others, I thnk of those before acting, however, if those actions simply affect me, then I make that decision on what suits me best.

 

I so agree with your post, Seren!

[OWoman]

i dont consider myself settling. I consider myself waiting. I know my MM loves me. He has asked me to give him time to get things going. Overall I am very happy with him. I of course wish I could see him more than I do, but I will make do with what time he has for now. I am hoping by the end of summer, things will be moving towards us being together.

 

Daisy, I hope you don't consider this question invasive, but you say you will "make do" with what time you get from your MM for now, and that you wish you could see him more - but on balance, you're happy. Given how precarious that balance can be, how will you know when it has shifted in a way that's not just the kind of moment-by-moment dynamic realignment, but an actual shift into no longer being happy on balance, but being more unhappy than happy? I'm not trying to diss you, or question your happiness, but I am curious about whether you have some explicit "non-negotiable" dealbreakers / boundaries in mind (like, he makes a promise and doesn't keep it, he's history; or, you have an agreed amount of time he needs to commit to spending with you in every so long...) that you plan to hold him to, or whether it's just a kind of shifting of the moods measure - if you wake up one day and realise you're no longer happy, then that's it! I've seen a mix of both here on LS, and I've seen people stick to both, walking away when they need to; and I've seen other people compromising away on both, ceding ground and settling... and often feeling trapped and unhappy when they realise that they've settled.

 

So I suppose my question is more about, have you given thought to how you will deal with the disappointment if things don't work out over the summer? Will you cut your losses and leave, or will you keep hoping and waiting a little longer - or even, a lot longer? How contingent is your happiness in the R on working towards being together full-time, and how much is just relishing enjoying each other in the moment?

 

(There's no right or wrong answer, BTW - there are OWs on LS that represent every possible point on the spectrum...)

 

Enjoy your R - I hope it's a hot and loved up summer for you!