Mixed Signals -- no kissing?

[crrgoers]

I was wondering if anybody else has had a similar experience....

 

 

I met a guy via the personals who sounded great. On the first date, we went to dinner. When we arrived back at my apartment, I asked him if he would like to come in. He said in a rather ambivalent tone that he would. Due to the apathetic response I got from him regarding coming in, I did not expect anything to happen with him. However, while watching t.v., he started grabbing my hand and saying it was cold, etc. At the end of date no. 1, I said I would call him Thursday for date no. 2. Well, I am a medical resident and got called into work Thursday night and missed calling him. Friday afternoon I check my e-mail and received an odd e-mail that said this: "I had a nice dinner and chat with you. Hope I am not too weird for you. Hope you're Well" Well, I took that as a signal that he was interested but too shy to ask me back out. So I decided I would ask him out instead.

 

Date No. 2 he takes me to a restaurant that in rich in local culture. I was so impressed he remembered I had just moved here from far away and wanted to show me a little of the local culture. Well, ten minutes into date no. 2 he asks me if I would be interested in going to so-and-so museum some day.... I said sure but silently thought it was odd to ask someone on date 3 before date 2 had even concluded. Anyway, we ate and went back to my apartment. Whild cuddling at my apartment he told me of the manipulative relationship he has a year or so ago where the guy moved into his house and started drinking and stealing from him. He then mentioned another recent relationship where the guy he was dating was in the middle of a break-up and still living with his ex-lover. was a little concerned about this man's choice in partners, but I still liked him. He also said he didn't want another gay relationship because gay men are so dramatic... Well, I figured that was a normal thing to say on date no. 2. I looked up and it was 5 am, so I asked him to stay. I changed into my PJs and asked him if he wanted some, too. He said he would just sleep in his boxers. Well, we cuddled all night and got a little intimate (no sex, though). Well, I went to kiss him, and he jerked his head away and said he did not kiss. We cuddled from 5 am till 3 pm the next day (10 hours!!). Then he asked me to go eat with him, I was tired but my like for him was more powerful than my lethargy, so I went. We then went our separate ways.

 

I called him four days later and asked how he was. He said he was still recovering from the weekend. I still don't know why I didn't ask him out for Friday, but I didn't. I think it probably has something to do with the no-kiss thing. Anyway, I didn't expect to hear from mr. no kiss again. So I made plans for Saturday night. To my utter surprise, he calls me Saturday afternoon and leaves a message on my answering machine saying he was curious what I was up to. Well, I called him back at 9 pm, right before I was heading out to the movies with a friend. He asked me if I thought I could come over after the movie. I said I did not think it was pragmatic for him because he likes to go to bed at 11 pm and I would not be home till 1 am. He said he would just fall asleep on the chair and asked me to call him when I got home. I was both confused and flattered . Well, I called when I got home, got directions, went to his home, arriving at 2 or so. We talked for about an hour, he said we should go hiking some time (in a sense asking me out again) and then we went to bed and cuddled but did NOT kiss again. Well, I left at 11 am because I had to work. Before leaving I asked him out to dinner on Monday and he agreed (I was trying to increase the frequency of dates).

 

Monday I get home an hour before the date. He showed up, we went out to eat and back to my apartment. We just cuddled a bit there and he left. He again hinted at other places we could go on.... At dinner, he said he liked the restaurant because the male waiters were so fine. I thought those comments odd, too. Anyway, I really like him because he is the first stable, non flamboyant gay man I have ever met. However, he is in his late 20s, is not out to his parents (and does not planning on coming out). Having been in med school so long and being out of the dating scene for 8 years, I was really disappointed to find out that .99 of gay men just want sex... I just don't understand what he wants.... If I ask him this out-right, I know it'll scare him away. At the same time, I want to at least have the potential for a long term relationship....what would you do??? Thanks in advance

[SoleMate]

I just don't understand what he wants.... If I ask him this out-right, I know it'll scare him away. At the same time, I want to at least have the potential for a long term relationship....what would you do???

I wouldn't dive into a relationship with someone with the terms so unclear. It does seem as if this fellow is interested in you, but if you are looking for a longterm relationship that involves kissing or being out to your families, this guy isn't the right one for you.

 

It might be easier if you keep things out of bed until you determine whether you both have reasonably compatible goals and preferences. That way there will be less hurt. And I don't see anything wrong with asking "What are you looking for?" and telling him the same about yourself. In fact, it is advisable. You don't need to be registering for wedding china just to say, "What would your dream relationship be?"

 

I really like him because he is the first stable, non flamboyant gay man I have ever met

That's nice, but I hope there is a lot more to your attraction to him. And there are many stable, non-flamboyant gay men out there - they're just a lot harder to spot! And I hear a lot about gay men who are looking for stable relationships. I really have to question your "99% only want sex" figure.

 

TINY HINT: With your next post, please identify yourself as gay early on so we can advise you best.