Working with ex... anyone struggling as much as me?

[Good Arms]

To recap, I'm 31 and almost 4 months on from a break up of my first relationship. It was only short by normal standards (2.5 months), but she was my first everything, it was an intense experience for me and this has all plunged me into a very dark place. See my sig for the background.

 

Unfortunately it was a work place relationship, and I'm really struggling lately.

 

She had been working part time, while I'm full time, so I managed to avoid seeing her much up until recently. She'd come in half way through my day, work on another part of the office floor, then finish her shift before mine ended. I was on edge when I knew she was in the building, but I gradually became more relaxed to be at work, even if she was still on my mind almost all the time. I only saw her in passing a few times, and contact was restricted to a friendly but muted smile/wave a couple of times.

 

Then last week I came in to discover that she's gone full time. Now I have to contend with arriving at the carpark at the same time, and already I had to walk past her once and actually say "hi". Then this week her team has been moved right next to ours. Though she sits just around the corner out of sight, it's been driving me mad.

 

I see her sometimes going on breaks etc, and today she came into our team to speak to someone. I barely glanced at her but still seeing her and hearing her voice cuts me up. I overheard her telling this old guy we both know (so no cause for jealousy this time) that she went somewhere... couldn't hear where, but having to hear anything like that upsets me... a fresh reminder she's getting on with life, having fun without me while I'm still a complete wreck. Just some innocent half-heard comment gets me wondering... Where did she go? Who was she with? Like it's any of my business now!

 

I was sitting there actually sweating from my palms with fear she might come over and talk. She didn't, which I'm grateful for. I'm friendly when we cross paths, but having been dumped and stuck reliving the nightmare in my head for months I'm not ready to handle anything more than simple greeting. I kind of worry she might start thinking enough time has passed that it's OK to try talking to me - not that I assume she wants to, in fact I doubt whether she will. It's just the anxiety is always there now we work the same hours.

 

Anyway, just seeing her a bit more these past couple of days, it really upset me. So much that after seeing her speaking to that guy today I was getting tearful trying to work and had to go to the toilets to try and calm myself down. Then I dread that she'll walk past seeing I've been upset. I HATE having to see her when everything is still so fresh in my mind, as it's all replayed every single day whether I try and distract myself or not. I really wish I didn't have to see her at all. Am I supposed to just act as an indifferent stranger to the only person I've been in love with and been intimate with? Am I supposed to be OK seeing her laughing, talking to other guys? I know she has every right to do whatever she wants but I don't want to know about it! I mean, seeing as I've only actually set eyes on her around work for a few minutes in total since the break-up, it sets me right back to all the emotions when I was seeing her, the (at the time) wonderful and new experiences of the relationship to the hurt of being dumped, that really set in after the amicable break-up talk.

 

Does anyone else feel on edge virtually ALL the time working with their ex? Or just knowing they're in the building and it stops you doing full NC? I feel so pathetic, it's not like I really work with her - actually working together on things - and I realise other people are in far more awkward situations. I don't know, maybe actually HAVING to have professional contact would reduce this horrible tension that's driving me mad... I would have hoped that after four months I'd have made more progress than this. At least being able to handle seeing her nearby without f**ing crying afterwards. I don't know how so many guys seem so unemotional, or always manage to hide their emotions at these darkest times in our lives. I'm possibly going to switch shifts soon, which would mean I'd only risk bumping into her at the end of my shift. Don't really want my ex to be the main reason for a big change like that though, although there are other reasons I'd like to try the different hours.

[smudge21]

Work and relationships, oh how I wish I would learn my lesson and avoid them, but I never do. After school/college, work is the one big place where people meet and spend all of their time together - honestly, think about it, you spend more time with work colleagues then you do family and friends! So no wonder relationships begin. When they end though, it's terrible, as you still have to see that person.

 

I've been there before and my recent ex was a work colleague, albeit in a slightly different enviornment so we didn't see each other every day, but we were still in contact (and I still had to act like the friend whilst she announced her engagement to her on/off boyfriend after us - yeah, that hurt).

 

First thing to do is to fully accept that there's no way you're going to easily move on from this. NC is out of the question as you see her every day. Apart from changing jobs, you're stuck. Accept that first and stop trying to force yourself to get over her, it won't happen. Not in this situation. I worked in an office with an ex many years ago and we were on the same floor, only a few doors away. Total nightmare.

 

However, one thing that helped (didn't get me through it, just helped) was the fact that there are other people there. I myself struck up a friendship with another girl and over time confided in her what had happened. She became a sholder to cry on and was a great help as having that someone who you can talk to and have a laugh with whilst still in the same environment as the ex can really distract you, and that's what you need, a distraction to take your mind off the ex.

 

I'm not saying you should start dating someone else at work, I never did with this girl, we just became close friends. It really did help so give that a try. Of course, if that's not an option then you're next step is to try to find something else to take your mind off her. Something that you can start doing outside of work or at lunchtimes, that takes your focus away.

 

And finally, I'm betting right now, all you're doing is spending every day seeing her and I bet you're thinking she's having a great life without you in it. Well, here's a heads up - she's not. Nope, she's going through the same identical pain you are and it's eating away at her. Ripping her soul out knowing that you're there. She's regretting every decision she ever made and, just like you, feels terrible about the whole situation. Yep, she's suffering exactly the same way you are, but like you, she hides it and gets on with her day, even makes jokes, laughs and gives off this impression she's enjoying life, when deep down, she's in the same exact place you are. How do I know this? I don't... but then again, neither do you.

 

Things will get better, but you just got to work your way through this terrible time.

[sabahan]

Hi, im new here

 

Im 29..i'm also in the same situation right now with a work colleague.......its a long story..

 

i felt your pain..its has been two months since she dumped me...i still can't get over her completely..she is my first love..first relationship..we turned from lovers to strangers

:-(

 

we are still friends but not the way it is used to....we still talked but not about personal stuff anymore...whenever we come across we still smile to each other...this several days i tried really hard to avoid seeing her at the office but its very hard cause i have to deal with her deparment almost everyday....

 

i will try the no contact method starting from tomorrow to let me heal from this pain

but as we are in the same office..this will be difficult.. :-(

 

changing job is not an option for me

 

Learned my lesson, I'll totally avoid office romance next time around

 

--- p/s: sorry for english..

[Renard99]

I work in the same building as my ex so I know exactly what you mean about feeling on edge just knowing she's in the building.

 

Thankfully we're in different wings of the building but there is only the one main entrance and canteen, both of which I walk through on a daily basis. This means that I do see her far more often that I'd like. The friendly smile, nod or wave kills me everytime. This is the woman I spent 8 years of my life with and spoke to everyday, and yet, now, she's just someone I nod at. She broke it off with me, saying she doesn't love me anymore, so when she nods and waves at me I constantly think 'does she even care? Is she just doing it to be polite?'.

 

It's also really hard just to 'see' her. She's lost about 40lbs, bought new clothes and got a new haircut and, frankly, she looks stunning.

 

I'm trying to go NC but between bumping into her at work and loose ends cropping up (I'm taking on the house on my own which requires signatures, etc) it's not really working. I won't speak to or see her for a while and I'll start to feel a little better, but then all that is reset the next time we pass in the corridor.

 

I hate it and just want the pain to stop!

[Dafty]

"Do you realise how pathetic you sound!! She doesn't want to be with you so don't waste your time thinking about her, grow some balls and move on." That's what my best friend said to me, it was extremely harsh advice but true and I still need to thank him for it..

 

Took me a good 3 months to stop thinking about my ex out of work hours, no contact and going to gym and reading lots of books helped :-) but we work 10ft from each other so work has been a different story, fake it til you make it really is the best advice I can give, i still feel crap everyday i see her but it is getting easier, I don't feel physically sick all day anymore, just sad it didn't work out.

 

Make a point of not looking/going to areas in the office where she might be, leave and arrive at work 10 mins earlier or later so you don't see her. Try and chat more with other workmates. start thinking of the things you didn't like about her if you have to think about her at all..

 

Is she really worth it if she can make you this unhappy?

 

I wasn't convinced by no contact at first but it really is the best way of moving on, but the difficult bit is accepting that you really do have to move on....

 

Good luck

[Good Arms]

Thanks for all the replies. It's encouraging to be reminded I'm not the only one going through this added challenge of getting over someone.

 

Had a really tough day today, and I'm really thinking I've lost my mind. Just don't know what to do anymore.

 

After getting upset yesterday over seeing her speaking to someone nearby, today was even worse. Me and a friend went out during our lunchbreak, and I deliberately parked outside the building (not in the carpark) so as to avoid her, as she goes on lunch when we return. Wrong decision. As soon as I got out of the car, she came out of the front of work... must have been walking to nearby shops. I had to actually say hello for the second time since the break-up. Last time didn't get to me so much. I think it was because she seemed as caught off-guard as me that time, and she didn't seem particularly happy, just a polite acknowledgement. It was kind of comforting that she couldn't just look at me as though nothing ever happened between us, and part of me hoped she wasn't happy about something.

 

This time I mustered up a more genuine smile I think, and god it hurt when I felt the WARMTH of her smile and little wave she gave me back. It's the first time I've really seen her smile since we were together, and it brought everything back. The break up and things on Facebook afterwards showed her cold, insensitive side. This reminded me how sweet she could be, how sweet she seemed to ME, how gorgeous she can look when she smiles. F***. I don't want to remember that! Everything starts going through my head, if she can be so nice to me now, if she obviously still has enough respect to me for that, why can't she like me the way she used to... I start grasping onto some stupid fantasy that she might come back to me. I can't bear to see her all the time. I could cope with her working part time hours, but this is like a whole new nightmare. I feel like she runs the place now, I have no chance to feel at ease at ANY time during the day. It's ridiculous. Plus my plan to change shift seems to be less of an option, as I've found out the wage drop would be bigger than expected.

 

I should also mention she was with some guy going to lunch. Again, F***! Half recognised him, no idea if he's just a friend from her team or what (she always has had male friends). But of course it sets your mind racing in a BAD way. And after choking back tears again for hours at work when all this crap is flying through my head, the first thing I do when I get home is unblock her on Facebook. JUST TO CHECK SHE'S STILL SINGLE. She is. Why should that even matter to me now? I'm absolutely pathetic. Got to wait 48 hours to block her again now. But when I'm forced to see something I don't want to at work, it only makes my ever curious mind want to know the facts behind what I've seen. The times when I've been allowed to go total NC by not seeing her around, I've not been tempted to snoop for information. Ignorance is bliss. Now I don't have that luxury.

 

I'm just utterly sick of all this, and feel like today was the worst day for a long time. Sorry for the long rant.

 

Work and relationships, oh how I wish I would learn my lesson and avoid them, but I never do.

 

For me I think work was the only way I was EVER going to get into my first relationship over the last 9 years, so although now I finally understand why people say 'don't mix business with pleasure', I suppose I didn't have much choice. I guess I shouldn't regret it, even though I do right now.

 

First thing to do is to fully accept that there's no way you're going to easily move on from this. NC is out of the question as you see her every day. Apart from changing jobs, you're stuck. Accept that first and stop trying to force yourself to get over her, it won't happen. Not in this situation. I worked in an office with an ex many years ago and we were on the same floor, only a few doors away. Total nightmare.

 

It sounds quite true, but hardly encouraging! I don't see how I can make any progress now that total NC is more impossible than before.

 

However, one thing that helped (didn't get me through it, just helped) was the fact that there are other people there. I myself struck up a friendship with another girl and over time confided in her what had happened. She became a sholder to cry on and was a great help as having that someone who you can talk to and have a laugh with whilst still in the same environment as the ex can really distract you, and that's what you need, a distraction to take your mind off the ex.

 

Sounds logical, though I'm not good at making friends and it's kind of hard as everyone tends to stay where they are in their little groups... don't really have a lot in common with the people I sit with and we've kind of exhausted conversation over the years. Plus I just find my mind is obsessed over my own little tragedy, really hard to concentrate on anything before my mind goes right back there. Absolutely pathetic given the real tragedies in the world like Japan that these break-ups ruin our whole existence for however long it lasts!

 

Of course, if that's not an option then you're next step is to try to find something else to take your mind off her. Something that you can start doing outside of work or at lunchtimes, that takes your focus away.

 

Quite true, I have no social life to speak of outside of work (long story, social anxiety etc) and I know that's something I need to find the strength - or secret - to changing. I feel totally locked within my brain and self-defeating patterns of behaviour. Like I'm on the outside looking in at all these people able to have normal lives, big networks of friends, the ability to be content in life and not terrified of wasting more years. I need something to live for, to give me hope during those 8 hours of work. Stupidly I allowed my first girlfriend to become that in the space of a few months. No doubt it was never going to be a healthy relationship, though I think I was so preoccupied with building up my confidence as we went along that I was blinded to when things started going wrong.

 

And finally, I'm betting right now, all you're doing is spending every day seeing her and I bet you're thinking she's having a great life without you in it. Well, here's a heads up - she's not. Nope, she's going through the same identical pain you are and it's eating away at her. Ripping her soul out knowing that you're there. She's regretting every decision she ever made and, just like you, feels terrible about the whole situation. Yep, she's suffering exactly the same way you are, but like you, she hides it and gets on with her day, even makes jokes, laughs and gives off this impression she's enjoying life, when deep down, she's in the same exact place you are. How do I know this? I don't... but then again, neither do you.

 

Well it's a nice thought, but I'm not convinced. I can tell she tries to avoid me in general (though not to the extent I'd like), so I'm guessing she feels awkward about things. But it's way easier for her to see me as a friend than it is for me. I really do want to be able to set her free and hope she has a great life, but I know I'd be lying to say that at this stage. She hurt me, however much it was her right to walk away, if she felt it necessary, and though it makes me feel guilty, in reality I do hope things aren't easy for her... not that I wish her harm of course, but you know what I mean. I think she deserves to share some of this pain, but I know she cared so little for my feelings that she posted about someone else liking her on Facebook 3 weeks on... maybe that was her insensitive way of boosting her own ego when she was feeling down? I dunno, all irrelevant anyway I guess.

 

Im 29..i'm also in the same situation right now with a work colleague.......its a long story..

 

i felt your pain..its has been two months since she dumped me...i still can't get over her completely..she is my first love..first relationship..we turned from lovers to strangers

:-(

 

we are still friends but not the way it is used to....we still talked but not about personal stuff anymore...whenever we come across we still smile to each other...this several days i tried really hard to avoid seeing her at the office but its very hard cause i have to deal with her deparment almost everyday....

 

i will try the no contact method starting from tomorrow to let me heal from this pain

but as we are in the same office..this will be difficult.. :-(

 

changing job is not an option for me

 

Learned my lesson, I'll totally avoid office romance next time around

 

Sounds like a similar situation. The lovers to strangers thing is hard to bear, but I wish we could be real strangers rather than strangers who say 'hello' every so often. Good luck, and feel free to post updates in this thread. I like to hear how others are coping with a similar story. Sounds like you're doing everything you can... trying to keep your distance, and just being polite and respectful when you have to talk. It's right not to share anything personal. By the way, your English is fine

 

The friendly smile, nod or wave kills me everytime.

 

Again, it's strangely comforting to know that you use such strong words - "kills me" - as that's exactly how I feel EVERY time I make contact, and after a relationship of mere months

 

"Do you realise how pathetic you sound!! She doesn't want to be with you so don't waste your time thinking about her, grow some balls and move on." That's what my best friend said to me, it was extremely harsh advice but true and I still need to thank him for it..

 

It is 100% true, easier said than done to stop thinking about her though!

 

Make a point of not looking/going to areas in the office where she might be, leave and arrive at work 10 mins earlier or later so you don't see her. Try and chat more with other workmates. start thinking of the things you didn't like about her if you have to think about her at all..

 

Again, all good advice. I made a list of things I didn't like about her a while back, but my crushed self esteem has convinced me it's all bull****, that she was perfect and that EVERYTHING was my fault!

 

Thanks so much for the replies. I'm hoping for a less emotional day tomorrow, maybe one where I avoid seeing her, one where I don't start tearing up. It's hard to face the drive into work when that's the very best I can hope for.

 

Hope you all have the best possible day too.

Edited March 17, 2011 by Good Arms

[smudge21]

What I meant by it being impossible to go NC whilst working together is that you'll be trying to force yourself to go NC when you still see her everyday. I've had my recent ex on Facebook and only by deleting her recently I understand what NC really is. You can't delete this girl from your life, she's there 9 to 5, so just first accept that's how it is and then start finding other ways to get past this.

 

Social life can mean anything - whether it's a drink with friends or the gym or even plugging in the Xbox and chatting to people online (I have a friend a fair distance away who's been going through similar and online we help each other out with the occasional chat - then I shoot him!).

 

Just because she's the dumper doesn't mean she has completely moved on from what you and her had. When a relationship ends for a dumpee it's a fact they don't want to move on, but for a dumper, the do want to move on. So in a way, you're both trying to move past feelings you both had. I reckon dumpers do hide their emotions better, as they mentally moved on long before the break up, but the emotions are still there. I was like you when I worked with my ex very closely and thought the same, then I started working in another office, in another city. Because I wasn't around anymore to say the odd friendly "hello" too, she started missing that and I started getting random texts, which I ignored, so they increased. It showed me that her feelings were still there, but because I was still around, she found it easier to keep them bottled up.

 

Maybe in a way for a dumper it's easier to move on when your ex is still around, as although you've left them, you're still in contact should your mind change. But for a dumpee it's harder to move on when you're still in contact. So when the two are apart, it's easier for the dumpee to move on, but harder for the dumper. I dunno', I'm just guessing. There's no way of knowing for sure. Just like there's no way you can know what's going on in her mind.

 

There's no easy solution to your problem, you just have to let things happen - time is really the only healer, but for you it will take longer. Don't expect things to suddenly get better quickly. Accept that you will feel bad, and even when you start healing, you will still have off days. We all do. It's perfectly normal. But eventually you'll come through this and be ready for the next experience in life...

[Graceful]

Good day, Good Arms!

 

I think of you as a friend now, so I wanted to weigh in and offer a little support. I have met the two major loves of my life at the workplace, so I do have a little feedback that might help.

 

Yes, it's risky business to date someone from the workplace, but when you limit yourself to non-workplace people, you might be missing out on a great person, and even "the one" and therefore, I am not in the "don't swim in the office pool" camp at all. Nonetheless, it does have risks. In my case, both of the men left their jobs while we were dating, so our entire dating / relationship did not take place under the circumstance of working together.

 

However, you should have seen how upset I was when one of them quit and I didn't get to see him every day at work! I cried for several weeks, EVERY DAY, I missed seeing him at work so much. I had to get off the bus home from work a few stops early because I could not hold in the tears on my way home from work and after getting off the bus walk the rest of the way back to my apartment, cried the entire way! And the relationship was going strong, too! SO while I had the reverse problem, I can relate to the pain that relates to the workplace, believe me. NOTE: I've known many people who met their mates at the workplace, ultimately getting married.

 

Now you know how much I believe in putting on a brave face, right? So I am very pleased to see that you can muster a smile for your ex and act like you are okay. This is CRITICAL, and I cannot emphasize this enough, just by doing this, you are empowering yourself and making yourself look darn good (and I know how much it hurts on the inside, but she doesn't know that). In your ability to be simply pleasant in passing, she is looking at you fondly, and thinking of you as the nice person that you are, and it probably makes her feel good about the time she spent with you.

 

Insofar as her FB status goes, whether she is "single" or "in a relationship" or whatever, we both know she's not going to make a commitment any time soon, so she's really "single" no matter how you look at it. And you're right, what diff does it make anyhow? I guarantee she is playing the field, and she's probably going to come and go from a few relationships before she gets serious about anyone.

 

But enough about her. You're having a hard time, only compounded by her presence at work, and frankly, that just sux, but you know what? These are the cards that were dealt to you, and you just have to play your hand the best way you know how. Remember that as your first relationship and your first true love, this girl is symbolic and special, but try to start to tease that apart from the reality that she's moved on and you did nothing wrong. You can still look back on her as the special person she was, but get your heart to also identify that most of us, myself included here, date way more than one person before we find the person who is the really special match.

 

You might even be able to make yourself laugh a little bit knowing how bad you feel on the inside and how good you're making yourself look on the outside! See, she doesn't really know how you feel, and that's to your credit. You're holding your head up, you have your dignity and your pride intact, you might be shaking in your boots, but you manage to present yourself like you're glued together. That's more than a lot of other people could do.

 

So hang in there. It's a process, not a race. Don't be too hard on yourself. I still see you as making progress, even if you are still hurting, at least you are reaching out for help. Hope you feel better soon, even if it's just for a bit. Take care, Good Arms. You're very special to me.

[Good Arms]

Had a much better day today - completely forgot in my state yesterday that her team wasn't working today. Having the pressure off without her in the building one day a week is something I suppose. Could even share a joke or two today. Back to reality tomorrow though...

 

There's no easy solution to your problem, you just have to let things happen - time is really the only healer, but for you it will take longer. Don't expect things to suddenly get better quickly. Accept that you will feel bad, and even when you start healing, you will still have off days. We all do. It's perfectly normal. But eventually you'll come through this and be ready for the next experience in life...

 

Thanks smudge21, I hope so

 

I think of you as a friend now, so I wanted to weigh in and offer a little support. I have met the two major loves of my life at the workplace, so I do have a little feedback that might help.

 

That's really sweet Grace, likewise It always encourages me when I see you've taken the time to share your wisdom and support yet again.

 

NOTE: I've known many people who met their mates at the workplace, ultimately getting married.

 

In our place I know there have been loads of workplace relationships, and a number have led to marriage or are clearly heading that way. I tend to agree, if things start to develop between two people it would take a pretty cold person to put a stop to things just because of the work issue. I know if someone else came along I probably wouldn't hesitate in getting into another workplace relationship. I'm just more prepared now for the potential consequences...

 

Now you know how much I believe in putting on a brave face, right? So I am very pleased to see that you can muster a smile for your ex and act like you are okay. This is CRITICAL, and I cannot emphasize this enough, just by doing this, you are empowering yourself and making yourself look darn good (and I know how much it hurts on the inside, but she doesn't know that). In your ability to be simply pleasant in passing, she is looking at you fondly, and thinking of you as the nice person that you are, and it probably makes her feel good about the time she spent with you.

 

That's really comforting to read, and it's actually made me rather emotional You know, I actually thought to myself "Grace would be proud" after I saw my ex last time. I remembered your comments about the first time I had to smile in passing. This time it all happened so fast, but when I had to see her, I really gave her a proper smile, not forced at all (even though it was putting on a brave face). I don't think I showed that that other guy's presence bothered me in any way, so that's good.

 

Remember that as your first relationship and your first true love, this girl is symbolic and special, but try to start to tease that apart from the reality that she's moved on and you did nothing wrong.

 

I've been trying, believe me. Sometimes I feel like I've found peace with it, just for a short time, the ability to accept that she was special and it was worthwhile, but it just wasn't meant to last, but this kind of thinking is way harder to do when I'm seeing her all the time. Your words in my earlier post repeated here, "you did nothing wrong", really do resonate with me. I'm so glad you posted that, as my self esteem was (still is) crushed. I opened up to my mum tonight, and told her more about what my ex said on that dreaded holiday when she snapped at me after being cold for days. Of course my mum will always take my side, but she seemed to think my ex was absolutely horrible for saying those things... especially as she knew it was my first relationship and I was still building confidence. So hopefully it will sink in that I did nothing wrong... eventually! It definitely helped relieve some tension to talk a bit more to my mum, it's draining bottling everything up each day.

 

So hang in there. It's a process, not a race. Don't be too hard on yourself. I still see you as making progress, even if you are still hurting, at least you are reaching out for help. Hope you feel better soon, even if it's just for a bit. Take care, Good Arms. You're very special to me.

 

Thanks so much Grace You're special to me too ... and a real asset to this board and all the broken-hearted people here.

[Good Arms]

Another tough day today... the deadline for changing shift was this morning, and I decided I couldn't really take the wage drop (it's reduced hours). So now I'm resigned to being stuck sharing 4 days a week at work with my ex nearby. I wish I could just switch off my feelings for her, it's torture.

 

Was hoping I'd get away without seeing her, but no... near the start of shift I saw her walk over to someone in her team while the rest were working... holding a bouquet of flowers It's like someone up above is playing a sick joke on me! Naturally I thought I was seeing something I really didn't want to see...

 

Then it soon dawned on me, this was just a prize being raffled off for Comic Relief. Phew! She's friends with the guy who does all the charity stuff, so I guess she was the one roped in to walk around with them. Then I started panicking, "What if she's going around all the teams? How am I going to deal with that - being asked by my ex who I still have feelings for if I want to try and win a fecking bouquet of flowers?!"

 

Luckily it turned out that she had to just pass them on to someone in our team, who'd carry on with the ticket selling. Then she'd do the same with a couple of other raffle prizes. But that was bad enough, seeing her up close, catching sight of her figure. All I could do was try and look indifferent and stare at my screen, but inside I was all at sea. Managed to avoid seeing her for the remainder of the day thankfully, but just knowing she's there nearby around the corner is like hell... it's impossible to concentrate on anything else but her.

[Good Arms]

Hoped to avoid seeing her today, but near the end she came right into our area just behind me, to hand over something to our mutual friend. She's always sharing sweets and stuff with friends around the building.

 

I saw it was her approaching in the corner of my eye, but I just stayed looking at the computer. It really hurt to have her so close, remembering all the times she'd bring stuff over to me when we saw each other at work, but I knew it would only hurt more to turn my head to initiate eye contact.

 

So that gets me thinking, as every little interaction does. I start analysing whether I did the right thing? I worry what ignoring her this time suggests. Does she think I'm hurting and can't bear to look at her (true)? Indifferent? Bitter? I wish I could just have confidence in what I decide to do at these times, rather than over analyse everything afterwards.

 

I smile when we walk past each other, but I'm not ready to talk to her, don't know if I ever will be. I don't want to appear too willing to give her an acknowledgement that I've seen her, in case she starts thinking I'm ready to be friends or something. I kind I wish I didn't assuage her guilt when she dumped me, by saying I'm glad we're still friends (being very naive at the time).

 

Aarrrgh, this is so stressful, still having such intense memories and pain over being dumped. Every time I see her it's like a fresh wound. The tension is unbearable, I hate every moment of being at work now. I wish she'd make more of an effort to avoid me, I mean it's apparent that she's making some, but then cancels all that out just for the sake of handing something to our friend.

 

Also overheard the mutual friend mentioning to another mutual friend that my ex is apparently going with them to a comedy show... nothing to get jealous of, she knew them as friends long before we went out. And yet every little bit of info about what she's up to does make me jealous, even hanging around with them as friends. It's another little bit of torture/cruelty that they still have her friendship in their lives, despite the fact they haven't had the intimate relationship I did with her.

Edited March 21, 2011 by Good Arms

[Graceful]

Good Arms,

 

Oh, you did the right thing for sure, and I'll tell you why. You were at work, at your desk, looking at your computer. So you continued working. That's not strange or cold behavior.

 

But the main reason is this: if you'd looked up, and she didn't acknowledge you for any reason, or did not look over at you, you would have been crushed, and felt even worse. And remember this, too. I don't know the concise proximity, but you know, if she was that close, she could have quietly said hello to you. All she had to do was walk a little closer to your desk and say "hi Good Arms", smile and keep walking. But she didn't. So I think she's sensitive to the idea that your "friendship" is mostly that you tried to leave off on decent terms, but she knows that you don't have a real active friendship.

 

I just stayed looking at the computer. It really hurt to have her so close, remembering all the times she'd bring stuff over to me when we saw each other at work, but I knew it would only hurt more to turn my head to initiate eye contact.

 

I worry what ignoring her this time suggests. Does she think I'm hurting and can't bear to look at her (true)? Indifferent? Bitter? I wish I could just have confidence in what I decide to do at these times, rather than over analyse everything afterwards.

You had to think of yourself, and you did. As I said, if you had looked up, and she was heading toward her friends' desk without looking at you, that would have killed you. Not worth the risk.

 

She does not think you are bitter, believe me. If she thinks it's still awkward for you, then she's right, and it would be for most of us; you had a relationship with her, you're still in the same workplace together, that's never a walk in the park for anyone.

 

There's nothing to feel bad about. You did the right thing in my book, and if I really felt you might want to change what you did next time around, you know I would say so, but I don't feel that way.

 

If you're heading smack into her, you can't avoid her, you're in the parking area, and all the other examples when you had to smile and acknowledge, that's different and those small acknowledgments are critical, yet sufficient. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I can only imagine how hard this is for you and how moving on is being made an almost impossible task when she is right there all the time. This, plus, it really has not been all that long since the breakup (I know, it seems like an eternity, doesn't it?)

 

It hurts to hear about her social life because it's a breach of NC that you cannot do anything about, and as we learn, any contact and any knowledge of what the ex is doing (even with friends) hurts. So every time you imagine that she can go out and enjoy herself when you're still in pain, well, that's hurtful to you.

It is cruel.

 

All you can do at these times is to just (literally) take some deep breaths while you're at your desk, keep your focus and ride out the storm of the moment. I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but the good thing to acknowledge about the way she "feels free" to walk by and not avoid you entirely, is that she does not regard you with bitterness and it also means that she feels you took the breakup well. Otherwise, she would avoid you like the plague.

 

That's to your credit. Remember, she does not know how you feel, you're handling that very well. As much as this is horribly stressful, you are handling it and you're handling it a lot better than many other people who have been in your shoes. Take it one day at a time, that's all you can do. These first few months would have been torture even if you were not seeing her at work, but having to contend with that is like paying twice. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know you can't see it yet, but it's there. Keep going, Good Arms. Grace ps I was glad to see you've talked to your Mum about this, and she's so wonderful and supportive. I could not have survived without my Mum's support, either.

[Good Arms]

Thanks Grace for your reply

 

But the main reason is this: if you'd looked up, and she didn't acknowledge you for any reason, or did not look over at you, you would have been crushed, and felt even worse.

 

That's very true.

 

And remember this, too. I don't know the concise proximity, but you know, if she was that close, she could have quietly said hello to you. All she had to do was walk a little closer to your desk and say "hi Good Arms", smile and keep walking. But she didn't. So I think she's sensitive to the idea that your "friendship" is mostly that you tried to leave off on decent terms, but she knows that you don't have a real active friendship.

 

I guess so. She was literally walking past right behind me, the mutual friend being about 2 metres away. She didn't stay, just dropped something on his desk, and I'm not entirely sure but I think she was saying "alright?" to him as she was turning away... kind of half worried she was saying it to me, and I ignored it... but I don't think so.

 

She does not think you are bitter, believe me. If she thinks it's still awkward for you, then she's right, and it would be for most of us; you had a relationship with her, you're still in the same workplace together, that's never a walk in the park for anyone.

 

Yeah, I'm sure she must realise it too, though I know she's capable of maintaining friendships with exes. One I've mentioned before at work, her fairly long term ex from some years ago, who she speaks to now and again. I think she actually went out with another guy in my team aswell (again, a few years ago), and she talked to him as a friend once when we were walking out of the building together. She knows that this was my first relationship, so hopefully understands that it'll take a long time to get over. Maybe she's never been a dumpee though, so doesn't really know the pain of constantly seeing someone you still have strong feelings for. I would appreciate it if she didn't come into our area unless really necessary, as this obviously wasn't...

 

There's nothing to feel bad about. You did the right thing in my book, and if I really felt you might want to change what you did next time around, you know I would say so, but I don't feel that way.

 

That's reassuring

 

I can only imagine how hard this is for you and how moving on is being made an almost impossible task when she is right there all the time. This, plus, it really has not been all that long since the breakup (I know, it seems like an eternity, doesn't it?)

 

It does seem absolutely impossible and makes me realise that I was making progress before... I mean compared to this, having her in on part time hours when I rarely caught site of her, I was way more relaxed and capable of thinking straight, talking with others etc. Now her presence completely dominates my day. From thinking of the ex and her whereabouts 90% of the time to more like 99.9%.

 

I'm glad you say it hasn't been all that long. Four months must seem like forever to everyone else. (Even my mum who's been supportive said she'd thought I'd be over it long before now. But she's still married to her first love, so has never known heartbreak. What an easy life!) But to me everything still feels like yesterday, I can't believe it's been four months, and it kind of scares me that I really don't feel like I'm getting over this.

 

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but the good thing to acknowledge about the way she "feels free" to walk by and not avoid you entirely, is that she does not regard you with bitterness and it also means that she feels you took the breakup well. Otherwise, she would avoid you like the plague.

 

I guess so, maybe she thinks I handled it well... I mean I stayed friendly and enquired how she was coping when we initially maintained some text contact, but didn't beg for her back, talk to others about what happened between us etc (except for on LS!). At the same time I kind of don't want her to think that I took it well and my heart wasn't broken, that I'm not going through pain, but I guess she assumes that. I doubt she knows how much or for how long though.

 

Our mutual friend has seen me upset... we confided in each other when we were having crappy Christmases and going mad stuck indoors. He has self esteem/anxiety things going on too. Though I didn't mention my ex, I know he's picked up at various times that I've been really upset. He also asked another friend why I disappeared from his Facebook (when I deactivated), as he worried it may have been something to do with him commenting on my ex's status update (when she was talking about this other guy at work, 3 weeks on from dumping me). So maybe he's fed stuff back to my ex if she was ever fishing for information, asking if I'm OK etc. Absolutely no idea if my ex ever did that.

 

This mutual friend also saw me upset at the end of today when I was leaving, he stopped me to joke about how depressing the job is and how it makes him feel like smashing up the equipment, and as I was saying bye I was kind of about to get teary, and I guess he noticed. No doubt he put two and two together and knew it was because my ex had been over.

 

It's kind of annoying that he's a mutual friend, as after the break-up he texted and offered "if you need anyone to talk to..." I often think about confiding in him, as he's a good guy. I get emotional just imagining what I'd say, like I was when talking to him this evening... I was thinking it might be an opportunity to confide how hard it is to have to see my ex now she's gone full time. But I don't think I can risk it, as even if I asked him not to, I'm not sure I could trust him to keep that private from my ex... not that I really imagine I'd come up in their conversations. Dunno, I just feel this nagging urge to take him up on his offer to talk about it. If he wasn't friends with my ex I probably would have.

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know you can't see it yet, but it's there.

 

Hopefully!

 

Thanks as always, Grace