Why am I so mean to my mom?

[no_clue]

My mom loves me and has taken care of me since birth. She is a foreign immigrant and has a short temper and speaks alright english of which i dont understand her home language. That is one barrier we have had in our relationship which i regret not helping her with. I would get frustrated by her bad english growing up and i feel terrible for not helping her. She wants to learn how to use the computer and text messaging but i never take the time to help because i end up getting to frustrated and we'll start arguing. I was kind of a bad kid for doing drugs, being to lazy, always getting in trouble in school or with the law. I was bad to start with though and my parents should not be blamed. In my teenage years growing up it was not normal as other kids my dad was there occasionally or he would be overseas,out of state, truck driving, or in jail most of my life so my mom was there to take care of me alot. She worked and I would be home alone and got in more trouble. Eventually it put so much strain on her because she would always have to leave work to get me out of a jam which really irritated her that she let me go to state custody. I had gotten in trouble and had to go to court the judge asked if she felt like she could take me home and take care of me because of my charge and she thougt about it and said she couldnt. The next year in foster care and a group home facility would be a living hell of little sleep, slight depression, social problems meeting friends(except girlfriend). It put a complete stop to my life; money,friends,girls,schooling plans ****ed up,priceless moments lost. My house was also robbed by former aquaintances of priceless family heirlooms which also angered me greatly. I was always furious at my mom and would not even talk to her because i felt she put me in foster care and she could have just taken me home that day. I dont think she knew the pain and hassle it would be for me in their and how difficult it would be to get me back but nonetheless i was aggravated. When i did get out of foster care to live with her i still was not changed by the states bull**** programs in fact i was the same and they knew it i just had a better manipulation of the system. I would lash out at her and blow her off. Even now a year later when she tries to be nice to me i mostly snicker and tell her off for no reason i guess because i dont like affection from her i want to stop so bad i want to forgive her. Im not really mad about the foster care period anymore but i think subconsciously i still am. I want to help her around the house and bond with her because shes getting old and im growing up and about to move out, but im not good with relationships that are family or intimate and im lazy and unmotivated. Im socially awkward and shy with most people, except for friends ive known for awhile and my dad we get along well there are still some things we dont agree with but the relationship is much better than with my mom. I want to make up for all the trouble i caused her i get so sad sometimes thinking about how i couldve done better. Has anyone else had similar experience with their moms and how have you handled making it up to her?

[Eve]

Sounds to me like you latched onto an identity that was all about having fun and your Mum was seen to be someone who was getting in the way of this. Basically you learned to keep pushing boundaries until you got what you wanted. The life that you have got from this behaviour has led to nowhere and your Mum was right all along. This is a hard pill to swallow.

 

H'm, immigrant families can have a difficult time 'fitting in'. Often it's not until the third generation until a level of 'fit' is well established.

 

If you want things to be better with your Mum now, start by thinking up small things that she would appreciate. Mostly, get your own life sorted out. This is all any true Mum wants to see.

 

.. But be direct and have that conversation where you apologise in full for your past behaviours. There is hope for you because you have not blamed others for how things have turned out. I hope during this conversation you can begin to get some closure on the reasons why your Mum put you into care.

 

Good luck!

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited March 16, 2011 by Eve