What Did You Do To Drive Your Ex Away?

[marqueemoon4]

ok, my list might be pretty long, but I feel like I need to realize what I need to work on going forward (no particular order):

 

1. apparently I didn't want to spend a lot of time with her and my son

2. VIDEO GAMES

3. walking ahead of her when we were out in public, she hated this. It was tough cause I'm 6'4 and she's 5'3

4. wanting sex too much?

5. didn't care for most of her family, except her mom/stepdad

6. being critical of her in general

7. looking at other women

8. didn't treat her with respect she deserved/talking down to her (struggled with this because I was so much older than her)

9. being snobby

10. didn't take an interest in what she liked, which was basically massage therapy and dancing, two things I know nothing about

11. i guess being controlling

12. could be verbally abusive during arguments

13. lack of emotional support (i really tried, she was very hard to love)

 

 

Now, I know I must sound horrible after reading that, but I did a whole hell of a lot of good too. My list for her would be equally as long if not longer. Main thing that made her leave though I'm finding out now is another guy.

Edited March 16, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Stilicho]

1. I was pretty controlling

2. We spent too much time together(this was at her request tho...)

3. I showed jealousy of her exes

4. I didn't show her how much I appreciated her through words.

5. I let us look into the future too much w.o focusing on the present.

[GreenPolicy]

I'll get back to you on that.

 

Six weeks before getting dumped - emailed me suggestions for wedding venues

A month before being dumped - reminded me that her parents wanted to meet mine at dinner so the future in-laws could get acquainted

Five days before being dumped - made a comment in an email about what kind of engagement ring she wanted

 

During the breakup conversation: "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."

[GreenPolicy]

Actually the most critical thing she ever said was that when we were hanging out at her apartment at night on the weekends, she would feel guilty that I would rarely drink wine with her. I'm not a teetotaler, we would go out for drinks, but I would rarely drink at home. But I don't think that's a reason to dump somebody. If she had made that big of a stink about it, I would of course helped myself to a glass of wine far more often. But I don't think that's why she dumped me.

[TryTryAgain]

Tough to say. Ultimately she said we weren't right for each other.

 

Here are some things that stand out in my mind:

 

1. She thought I didn't stand up for myself enough, both to her and to other acquaintances of mine.

 

2. Apparently I always wanted to know what she was doing. I'm still confused by this one. Maybe it's because whenever she called, I would say, "Hi, what are you up to?" I say that to everyone though.

 

3. Her friend told me she was annoyed by the way that I would crack my knuckles after eating dinner. This one is hilariouis to me because I distinctly remember doing that ONCE after dinner at my place one time. I recall her looking annoyed. It's not something I do all the time though.

 

4. She apparently didn't like my "toilet" humor. I learned quickly to keep that humor to myself around her.

 

5. I think she was afraid that I was going to want to rush things and get married. Yes, I'm somewhat of a hopeless romantic, but a discussion of marriage never came up other than be both said we wanted to marry somewhere down the road.

 

Jeez, this is tough. I know there wasn't anything specific I did wrong. Probably the biggest thing that pushed her away was the fact that I was into her way more than she was into me. She kept saying that she didn't deserve me. It's like she felt guilty for not wanting to reciprocate. I treated her so dang good, but she ultimately did not feel it with me. If I were the right guy for her, she would have been eating up all the nice things I did for her. Fact of the matter is, she lost respect for me because I did nice things for her that in her mind she didn't deserve.

[mr.goodguy]

hey guys. here is what I've learned while going through a breakup and doing research on this and other sites. Do NOT make the girl the centre of your life. I know it's hard when you're attracted to something but if she becomes all you have, she will run. Everyone needs to have stuff outside a relationship to give them a BALANCED life (sports, hobbies, friends, etc.) If she or he became the only thing you had going for yourself that relationship would eventually become very monotonous, lonely and unexciting.

 

Unless you are living with a woman, you don't need to see them or speak to the all the time. Who cares what she's up to all the time? I mean really. I had a relationship where I would text "how's work" just to start a conversation. Obviously this boring question would yield the same answer all the time...eventually I wouldnt get a response to this gibberish.

 

I believe the biggest problem for guys is that we've been taught to look at a woman as a prize, when in fact WE are the prize. Women have been taught they are the prize...and they are...in their eyes. The more you work on yourself, physically, emotionally, intellectually and sexually, the more you are valued in the eyes of the opposite sex. WORK ON YOURSELF AND YOU WILL ATTRACT FAR MORE AND BETTER QUALITY WOMEN. Additionally, women have always said they want a man with confidence and in control. Don't be weak, be strong as you're intended to be. Women want a leader, not a follower.

 

sorry for venting. Just coming out of a short term relationship. I've learned to always look at heartbreak as a positive...it's the only way I can look back and assess what to improve for the next person I fall in love with and be happy.

[yessy21]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..... ok.

 

1. Not coming home before 6am.

2. hanging out too much with friends.

3. went to strip clubs too much.

4. wanted to have sex all the time.

5. Didnt listen.

6. Had an organization problem. everything had to be in order sometimes.

7. too many goals. and yes most of them have been accomplished.

8. not the best cook.

9. Didnt care about opinion.

10. my friends are hot and that means that they might be sluts.

 

yea i mean. i wasnt bad. but thats what he said. whatever. he was just as bad as i was.

[marqueemoon4]

Sometimes I think I'm really reaping what I sowed. I miss her.

[BlindRage]

1. Acted like everything was whatever (funnily enough this was when she "loved" me)

2. Jealous (who wouldn't be when she cheated)

3....

 

You know what? I didn't do anything, she was just a bitch and dumped me like trash. I treated her right and even while we were together she cheated on me continuously. I practically begged her everyday to PLEASE give ME a REAL chance and not cheat on me anymore.

 

 

Hahha when I started showing her more 'love and attention' she left me. Ironic

[brokendreamz]

Made her the centre of my universe

Lost touch with friends

Never went out anymore

Moaned at her

Took her for granted

Disappeared into my own head

 

She left! Quite right really.

 

I went to the doctor, got diagnosed with depression (looks like I've had it a while, probably even before we met), making positive steps to get better, seeing therapist and on meds, re connecting with old friends (most of which I don't deserve!) working out and TRYING not to listen to miserable music!!

 

I reckon I could have sunk when she left - never experienced anything like it. a little over 2 mnths out now and although I'm still taking it a day at a time, I'm beginning to realise I need to look forward!

 

Wish her nothing but the best but can't believe I'll never see her again! ****ed up :0( Depression is a mother ****er

[mr.goodguy]

brokendreamz I had a relationship that was similar to your list. I moved in with a chick (wouldnt use the term woman with this one...haha). Anyways, I lost communication with my friends, she was manipulative and I think made me make her the center of the universe...I mean I wasn't happy. It was as if I was a prisoner in a condo. I got out and haven't looked back. Congrats on you look forward...cause there is no way we can change the past.

[DustySaltus]

The fact of the matter is that someone who truly cared about you would be beside you HELPING you to work through all of these issues. Relationships are not judged when things are going well, but instead when things seem like they could fall apart. That is where TRUE love and CHARACTER are shown.

 

Marquee, she seemed a lot more controlling than you. "Walking in front of her".....c'mon man, that's something that could be fixed. She quit.

[GreenPolicy]

The fact of the matter is that someone who truly cared about you would be beside you HELPING you to work through all of these issues. Relationships are not judged when things are going well, but instead when things seem like they could fall apart. That is where TRUE love and CHARACTER are shown.

 

Marquee, she seemed a lot more controlling than you. "Walking in front of her".....c'mon man, that's something that could be fixed. She quit.

 

I beat myself for a long time over little things, things that I think might have pissed her off or she didn't care for, until I realized that she never confronted me with any issues or problems. So what was I supposed to fix?

 

The most critical thing she ever said was that at home on the weekends, I wouldn't drink wine with her very often and it made her feel guilty. We'd go out for drinks, but at home I usually eschewed alcohol. If it really bothered her that much, you damn well better believe I'd be chugging that wine. That to me is an example of something that can be fixed. When you're not aware of things they're unhappy about, you can't make adjustments and fix them. How could I have anticipated a breakup when five days before D-Day she's telling me what kind of engagement ring she wants?

[brokendreamz]

mr.goodguy. Sorry to hear she was a nightmare! My ex tolerated me as long as she could, gave me warnings that I didn't pick up on (I think us blokes need to be sat down and given a bollocking for it to actually sink in!)

 

DustySaltus. I agree - however I got the diagnosis after she'd gone so it seems unfair to try to get her back with that as ammo! I wouldn't want her back out of sympathy, although after 8 years I guess there is a case for compassion!!

 

GreenPolicy. It's so easy to beat yourself up - It's all I did for the first 6 weeks or so, still do to an extent - I knew I wasn't happy but I'm beginning to realise there was nothing I could have done about it with out the right help.

 

BlindRage. I think neither rhyme nor reason play any part of these ladies psyches sometimes - I just wish we could understand them better!

 

I hope we all take a few positives from our situations... I nearly sunk when she left but I'm slowly picking myself up and I'm determined to be the man I never was.

 

Good luck everyone. Hang in there

[cerridwen]

I drove my exH away by:

 

1..Withholding sex

2..Resisting working towards common goals

3..Distancing myself emotionally

4..Being generally selfish

5..Not appreciating him enough literally and philosophically

[Vickstar]

1. became overweight when i broke my foot and couldnt do anything

2. was earning crap money therefor we couldnt go out as much

3. He was always welcome to stay at my house by my family but he got tired of coming to visit me all the time cos i cant drive but that isnt my fault cos i would of made the effort to travel and see him but his family wouldnt let me stay the night and hes 28 yrs of age!!

 

And those are basically the reasons why i pushed him away, such pathetic stupid reasons! and i was really good to him! i mean really good! hes got another girl now, feel quite sorry for her when things go wrong and she has to deal with him being a weak old man who cant handle basic problems!

[b_rouse]

Things to work on for my future McDreamy:

 

 

1. Not devote a lot of my time to schooling (that probably won't change because I want to get into med school).
   
2. Talk on the phone to just him, and not to the people around me.
   
3. Not be selfish.
   
4. Don't go to a nationally ranked school that's only 30 minutes away (once again, not going to change).
   

To be honest, those are the only things I can think of off the top of my head. He never really "warned" me about anything before he broke up with me. He just finally "had enough." It was all news to me when he said we shouldn't see each other anymore because he never mentioned anything until he said, "I can't do this anymore."

[wmrjw82]

It's funny how the women of this thread are making lists in a sarcastic manner (not really believing they did anything wrong) and the men are internalizing and taking the blame for every little thing.

 

I say us MEN need to take note and realize that our ex's are telling their friends this exact same thing about us. We need to stop internalizing and start taking the women's approach. And that is.... Who cares what they think? Bottom line is our ex's QUIT ON US. Our capacity for love and to make it work in the relationship far surpassed theirs. It's THEIR loss. STOP INTERNALIZING! That's what our ex's want. They want us to believe we DESERVED to be dumped when in fact we didn't. Does anyone?

 

If our ex's TRULY loved us they wouldn't attack our faults and weaknesses. They would embrace them and love you for who you are anyway.

[Call Me Al]

3. went to strip clubs too much.

4. wanted to have sex all the time.

 

...these were reasons to end a relationship? I'd add those to the 'reasons to stay in a relationship' list.

 

In my case, I didnt really do anything wrong. I think emotionally, she became unavailable. So be it.

[dreamingoftigers]

1. Nagged

2. Vented anger and sadness and depression

3. Spoke to him in a way that let him know I always expected him to let me down.

4. Didn't listen to the small stuff

5. Didn't help around the house too much

6. Spent too much time on here

 

(he's not an ex yet though, but it feels like we have broken up dozens of times and things just get more and more strained).

[shrop]

these are the reasons my ex gave me after we split up

 

-ive got too many hobbies

-didnt take her or her son out enough

-the hours i work made her feel lonely

-my friends and family come before her

 

looking back none of these were true and i just think she was a very hard woman to please!!

[Kic]

I zigged when she zagged.

[yessy21]

...these were reasons to end a relationship? I'd add those to the 'reasons to stay in a relationship' list.

 

In my case, I didnt really do anything wrong. I think emotionally, she became unavailable. So be it.

 

 

Yea ... but the ironic thing was that he did the same. I guess he just knew that we were the same people. and two people that are exactly like each other sometimes dont work. they repell instead of attract. And i did kind of have a little problem with the sex thing. i was going through a stage. i mean i was 8 years younger than him.

[DustySaltus]

I beat myself for a long time over little things, things that I think might have pissed her off or she didn't care for, until I realized that she never confronted me with any issues or problems. So what was I supposed to fix?

 

The most critical thing she ever said was that at home on the weekends, I wouldn't drink wine with her very often and it made her feel guilty. We'd go out for drinks, but at home I usually eschewed alcohol. If it really bothered her that much, you damn well better believe I'd be chugging that wine. That to me is an example of something that can be fixed. When you're not aware of things they're unhappy about, you can't make adjustments and fix them. How could I have anticipated a breakup when five days before D-Day she's telling me what kind of engagement ring she wants?

 

Hey, no one knows that situation better than me. I was engaged, moved halfway across the world and it still wasn't enough. I think what you need to realize is that there are issues and dealbreakers. In a normal, healthy relationship the issues can be worked out, the dealbreakers (i.e. cheating) cannot. Drinking wine at home? That's a minor issue, a stupid issue. So what are you supposed to work on, drinking wine at home? Maybe the next girl wouldn't like that at all. What are you going to do then, change again.

 

With women like that it's a losing battle...I know all too well. You fill a hole for them, and there's always another one waiting. Something always has to be wrong, that's no way to go through a relationship.

Edited March 17, 2011 by DustySaltus

[silvermane187]

I'm not too sure. She wouldn't give me any reasons other than "I FEEL TRAPPED" and "sometimes these things just don't work out". This is 3-4 months after she broke up with me for 12 hours because I didn't spend enough time with him. I fixed that problem and spent more time with her only to have it blow up in my face by making her feel trapped. Such bull****. Then she decides she never really loved me and the last year of the 3 years we spent together she was just lying to herself. Turns out I was just another thing to cross off her bucket list before she graduated university.