Women & Sex..... Some will think a sexist rant....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well not so much a rant but an observation

 

We read from some women about their sexless husbands and it is usually very simple to diagnose (not including serial cheaters here)..... Porn addiction, not attracted to spouse (ie. put on weight, stopped trying to be sexual.....), or never were overtly sexual to begin with, may be homosexual or the dreaded mother issues.... Really very straightforward and not difficult to figure out....

 

Women though we know there is no simple answer..... Past abuse, emotional disconnect, the mother years, work stress, overwhelmed at home, spouse doesn't help at home, menopause, medication...... Yes I will add the caveat that every man on here always state they still look the same (i.e. aged, but no significant weight gain)

 

These are within marriages that were sexual and "normal" and then have dwindled to barely a trickle. When a man tries to get to the root and every "rock is overturned" yet another roadblock is put up (sorry mixing metaphors).......

 

BTW where is JamesM????

 

Oh yea and as I always say, once you do have sex, everything works perfectly well.......:laugh:

 

So what is it????? She's just not that into you as we've had some jaded women tell us????

Edited March 16, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[TigerCub]

Well not so much a rant but an observation

 

We read from some women about their sexless husbands and it is usually very simple to diagnose (not including serial cheaters here)..... Porn addiction, not attracted to spouse (ie. put on weight, stopped trying to be sexual.....), or never were overtly sexual to begin with, may be homosexual or the dreaded mother issues.... Really very straightforward and not difficult to figure out....

 

Women though we know there is no simple answer..... Past abuse, emotional disconnect, the mother years, work stress, overwhelmed at home, spouse doesn't help at home, menopause, medication...... Yes I will add the caveat that every man on here always state they still look the same (i.e. aged, but no significant weight gain)

 

These are within marriages that were sexual and "normal" and then have dwindled to barely a trickle. When a man tries to get to the root and every "rock is overturned" yet another roadblock is put up (sorry mixing metaphors).......

 

BTW where is JamesM????

 

Oh yea and as I always say, once you do have sex, everything works perfectly well.......:laugh:

 

So what is it????? She's just not that into you as we've had some jaded women tell us????

 

Are you asking that after ALL the bolded issues are resolved and "fixed" there are still more issues that come up?

 

I honestly don't know about that - because most of the stuff mentioned in bold doesn't get fixed quickly.

 

Lets say that everything gets fixed - maybe the last roadblock is poor self image and self esteem. Even if the guy swears up and down that he thinks his spouse is hot and desirable, if she doesn't fee that way about herself - she's not as likely to want to get naked and freaky with him.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

QUOTE=TigerCub;3293677]Are you asking that after ALL the bolded issues are resolved and "fixed" there are still more issues that come up?

 

I honestly don't know about that - because most of the stuff mentioned in bold doesn't get fixed quickly.

 

Lets say that everything gets fixed - maybe the last roadblock is poor self image and self esteem. Even if the guy swears up and down that he thinks his spouse is hot and desirable, if she doesn't fee that way about herself - she's not as likely to want to get naked and freaky with him.

 

Half the excuses are just that, EXCUSES, which is the point. Taking medication and not worried about the side affects is an example. Most men when told that decreased sexual desire is a side affect would think long and hard and ask about alternatives. Stress, Motherhood, Housework all can easily be overcome with an understanding spouse and a will to put sex near the top of the "to do" list. Past abuse, certainly is a serious issue, but remember it was not an issue in my example during the early years (courting/marriage if you ask Giotto, Honorable Venerable, me)......

 

This again goes back to another of my threads where I hypothesized that as opposed to Viagra/Levira/Cialis a woman's pill for increased desire/ability/orgasms would be a much much much tougher sell and be denounced by some women.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think the reason is that men are visual creatures so as long as a woman still has most things in place shall we say, men will be aroused.

 

Women are not so much visual. They are aroused by something else entirely, that you can't quite put your finger on. So I think women get bored far more easily as it becomes increasingly harder to turn women on when it isn't so simple for a man to dress nice and have a good body.

[Woggle]

In no way do I condone cheating but in a situation like this I see nothing wrong with a man telling his wife that he will go elsewhere if he has tried everything. I said say the same thing for a woman as well. Nobody should be forced to live like a catholic priest.

[TakeMeasIam]

Catholic Priest, huh?

 

Now there's a whole new topic.....

 

Here's an interesting thread:

[TigerCub]

In no way do I condone cheating but in a situation like this I see nothing wrong with a man telling his wife that he will go elsewhere if he has tried everything. I said say the same thing for a woman as well. Nobody should be forced to live like a catholic priest.

 

Agreed!!

 

What I don't get is this: the OP is suggesting the women don't want to fix whatever problem is causing their low sex drive, I just can't understand that line of thinking, because if they enjoyed it before, why wouldn't they want the problem fixed later - who doesnt like having sex.

 

I dunno, it just seems like a really weird unfair assumption. There has to be other (real) issues. No?

 

I honestly don't know. I just can't imagine not wanting sex, and so that's why I find that assumption kinda weird.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Agreed!!

 

What I don't get is this: the OP is suggesting the women don't want to fix whatever problem is causing their low sex drive, I just can't understand that line of thinking, because if they enjoyed it before, why wouldn't they want the problem fixed later - who doesnt like having sex.

 

I dunno, it just seems like a really weird unfair assumption. There has to be other (real) issues. No?

 

I honestly don't know. I just can't imagine not wanting sex, and so that's why I find that assumption kinda weird.

 

Most (and I say that as opposed to MANY) women are pretty content to have children, immerse themselves in family, work, activities and sex can dwindle or disappear.....

 

I'll be more then crass, but my wife had really good sex the other night (at least as far as the orgasm went, and yes it is my responsibility to do the job to get her there;)) and frankly after wards it's no more then a shrug of the shoulders and no need to do it for a while (and certainly not initiate)......:laugh:

[Moanin]

I think if most of these women could be brutally honest with their men, it would boil down to the fact that the wives are no longer attracted to their husbands.

 

I am one of those women... I can't be brutally honest with my H because it's not within me... as much as I resent him (most of the time) and dislike him (sometimes), it is not within me to crush him with those words...

 

I have a sex drive.....I just don't have the desire to be with my husband.. I wish I did, but I don't.

[xxoo]

This again goes back to another of my threads where I hypothesized that as opposed to Viagra/Levira/Cialis a woman's pill for increased desire/ability/orgasms would be a much much much tougher sell and be denounced by some women.

 

There are creams that women buy to increase ability to orgasm (increase blood flow to the target area). Like viagra, those products are bought by individuals who already desire sex and want to improve their physiological function during sex. Apparently, there is a market for them.

 

It is a completely different thing to sell a pill that increases desire. If the desire isn't there, what motivates her to take the pill?

 

The obvious answer is: concern for her husband, and the relationship. If that motivation isn't present, it makes you wonder: why not?

 

Very often, on "sexless marriage" threads here, there is much more going on than the lack of sex. A pill is not going to make a woman want sex with a man that she doesn't want to hug or cuddle. Not saying that is the case in your marriage, TDP, but I've seen it more than a few times on this board.

[Woggle]

I think that some women use a man for security and don't really fancy him like that. It's funny though how in one case when a friend of mine threatened to find another woman all of a sudden his wife's libido magically came back.

[TigerCub]

Most (and I say that as opposed to MANY) women are pretty content to have children, immerse themselves in family, work, activities and sex can dwindle or disappear.....

 

I'll be more then crass, but my wife had really good sex the other night (at least as far as the orgasm went, and yes it is my responsibility to do the job to get her there;)) and frankly after wards it's no more then a shrug of the shoulders and no need to do it for a while (and certainly not initiate)......:laugh:

 

I dunno, its stories like this that make me tell my bf that we're not getting married or having kids - I'd rather we be happy, having lots of sex, having lots of disposable income, and time for vacations & activities.

 

I guess I'm just missing that "I wanna be a mommy" gene.

 

Sorry that you're in that kinda situation...that really sucks (no pun intended)

[TigerCub]

I think if most of these women could be brutally honest with their men, it would boil down to the fact that the wives are no longer attracted to their husbands.

 

I am one of those women... I can't be brutally honest with my H because it's not within me... as much as I resent him (most of the time) and dislike him (sometimes), it is not within me to crush him with those words...

 

I have a sex drive.....I just don't have the desire to be with my husband.. I wish I did, but I don't.

 

But why would you stay with someone that you resent?

[xxoo]

I dunno, its stories like this that make me tell my bf that we're not getting married or having kids - I'd rather we be happy, having lots of sex, having lots of disposable income, and time for vacations & activities.

 

Pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing DO have an impact on sex drive (not always negative, esp during pregnancy!). Sleepless nights with an infant do, too. But all of this is temporary.

 

IMO, the correlation between having children and longterm decline of sex has more to do with the way that adding children challenges the overall relationship.

 

It can go either way. In my own relationship, having children with my H deepened my desire for him.

[Woggle]

Pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing DO have an impact on sex drive (not always negative, esp during pregnancy!). Sleepless nights with an infant do, too. But all of this is temporary.

 

IMO, the correlation between having children and longterm decline of sex has more to do with the way that adding children challenges the overall relationship.

 

It can go either way. In my own relationship, having children with my H deepened my desire for him.

 

This is the difference between marrying for love and marrying for security.

[TigerCub]

Pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing DO have an impact on sex drive (not always negative, esp during pregnancy!). Sleepless nights with an infant do, too. But all of this is temporary.

yes, I've heard that

 

IMO, the correlation between having children and longterm decline of sex has more to do with the way that adding children challenges the overall relationship.

Oh I understand that its not just the act of pregnancy that adds strain (possibly) to a relationship, it is the challenges of adding children to the R - I totally get that.

 

It can go either way. In my own relationship, having children with my H deepened my desire for him.

I think that's sweet

[xxoo]

Oh I understand that its not just the act of pregnancy that adds strain (possibly) to a relationship, it is the challenges of adding children to the R - I totally get that.

 

But not having children doesn't necessarily avoid strain and demise of sex. It is just that having kids is a sudden, huge strain, often in the earlier stages of the marriage. It is an early test, but all relationships will eventually have tests. Having kids gets blamed unfairly, imo, because of where that test falls in the progression of the relationship.

 

Couples that do well longterm without kids would probably do just as well longterm with kids. Couples that fall apart when the kid arrive probably were going to crash anyway.

 

I think that's sweet

 

Thanks! Me, too

[LittleTiger]

I think it's pretty simple TDP. Besides all the things you've already mentioned, there is the fact that the human race doesn't need women over 40 to desire sex. Men of course can, and do, continue to be capable of 'creating' offspring, practically until they drop dead but there are plenty of women under 40 whose bodies would make a better home for a growing foetus than those of women over 40. So biology doesn't have any need to keep women interested in sex even as they approach the menopause never mind once they've been through it.

 

There are, of course, women like myself who just love physical contact and sex. I need sex and physical affection to feel loved (a bit like a man perhaps?) but many women I know, of my age and older, just have no particular interest in sex any more and seem happy to do without. If I go off sex, even after the menopause, I will be very surprised because, for me, sex is about emotional connection. Perhaps I'll just stop wanting orgasms - who knows?

 

That's why a woman's pill will never 'take off'. Most men still want to have sex and ED stops them from being physically capable, so medical science has stepped in to help out. Many women lose interest but they're still capable, even without the desire, so why would they bother taking a pill to increase a desire that doesn't exist? Lets face it, sexual desire can actually be a real 'pain in the neck' at times unless your partner is completely in tune with you.

 

The only reason women would take a pill is for the sake of their partner but even then, why take a pill when you can 'submit' to sex without desire? Who wants to take a pill if they don't have to?

 

FYI, I am a woman who strongly resists taking medication of any sort, but particularly anything that affects my sex drive if I'm in a relationship. I know you're going to say, oh LT is a 'freak', but I'm sure I can't be the only one. Maybe you're just unlucky that you married a woman who's gone of sex.

[Moanin]

But why would you stay with someone that you resent?

 

That's the $1,000,000 question.... we have 2 small children and at least for now it's "easier" (I dislike using that word) to have the children under one roof with 2 parents than to split up their home and our resources.

 

We have recently hired a nanny to help with the children, cook and do light cleaning... but this seems to have given my H the idea that he's totally off the hook now...

 

The resentment has been building for 5 - 7 years now and I think the damage is permanent. I may be able to grow to like my husband again someday, but I doubt very much that I will ever feel passion for him again or look at him as being sexy....

 

I need to be in this for the long haul....I have children who are relying on me and I can't just think about my needs anymore. We can't always walk away from our "mistakes" (unhappy marriages)...

 

We do not have a lot of shouting or arguing going on in front of the children, so please no lectures on the damage being done to the children.... I suffer in silence for the most part...I do not want to make this the children's problem as well..

[ladydesigner]

I think it's pretty simple TDP. Besides all the things you've already mentioned, there is the fact that the human race doesn't need women over 40 to desire sex. Men of course can, and do, continue to be capable of 'creating' offspring, practically until they drop dead but there are plenty of women under 40 whose bodies would make a better home for a growing foetus than those of women over 40. So biology doesn't have any need to keep women interested in sex even as they approach the menopause never mind once they've been through it.

 

There are, of course, women like myself who just love physical contact and sex. I need sex and physical affection to feel loved (a bit like a man perhaps?) but many women I know, of my age and older, just have no particular interest in sex any more and seem happy to do without. If I go off sex, even after the menopause, I will be very surprised because, for me, sex is about emotional connection. Perhaps I'll just stop wanting orgasms - who knows?

 

That's why a woman's pill will never 'take off'. Most men still want to have sex and ED stops them from being physically capable, so medical science has stepped in to help out. Many women lose interest but they're still capable, even without the desire, so why would they bother taking a pill to increase a desire that doesn't exist? Lets face it, sexual desire can actually be a real 'pain in the neck' at times unless your partner is completely in tune with you.

 

The only reason women would take a pill is for the sake of their partner but even then, why take a pill when you can 'submit' to sex without desire? Who wants to take a pill if they don't have to?

 

FYI, I am a woman who strongly resists taking medication of any sort, but particularly anything that affects my sex drive if I'm in a relationship. I know you're going to say, oh LT is a 'freak', but I'm sure I can't be the only one. Maybe you're just unlucky that you married a woman who's gone of sex.

 

This is a very interesting post and I feel it perfectly explains how I feel. I am no longer in my 20's and am about 15 years away from menopause. Since having kids I have lost the DESIRE to have sex altogether. It doesn't mean I do not enjoy it, because I do every time my H and I are intimate together. I just no longer desire it and I am not exactly super attracted to my H as I was when we were younger. I love him and love being around him. If there was a pill to ignite the desire again I would definitely take it.

[sally4sara]

I think it boils down to how the wanting spouse handles the time period of fixing stuff the non wanting spouse has to go through.

 

Say some guy was under an undue amount of stress - job, homelife whatever and it made his sex drive dip. His wife is always on him with guilt trips about not wanting sex....

So he talks to his doc and it turns out he is clinically depressed but to combat it, he has to take meds that keep his sex drive down for a period of time. She handles this the same with nagging and guilt trips despite that he IS trying to fix it.

 

Would it be completely out of left field that after battling off clinical depression he still doesn't want to have sex with the spouse that kept hounding him while he was at his lowest?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Originally Posted by LittleTiger

I think it's pretty simple TDP. Besides all the things you've already mentioned, there is the fact that the human race doesn't need women over 40 to desire sex. Men of course can, and do, continue to be capable of 'creating' offspring, practically until they drop dead but there are plenty of women under 40 whose bodies would make a better home for a growing foetus than those of women over 40. So biology doesn't have any need to keep women interested in sex even as they approach the menopause never mind once they've been through it.

 

There are, of course, women like myself who just love physical contact and sex. I need sex and physical affection to feel loved (a bit like a man perhaps?) but many women I know, of my age and older, just have no particular interest in sex any more and seem happy to do without. If I go off sex, even after the menopause, I will be very surprised because, for me, sex is about emotional connection. Perhaps I'll just stop wanting orgasms - who knows?

 

That's why a woman's pill will never 'take off'. Most men still want to have sex and ED stops them from being physically capable, so medical science has stepped in to help out. Many women lose interest but they're still capable, even without the desire, so why would they bother taking a pill to increase a desire that doesn't exist? Lets face it, sexual desire can actually be a real 'pain in the neck' at times unless your partner is completely in tune with you.

 

The only reason women would take a pill is for the sake of their partner but even then, why take a pill when you can 'submit' to sex without desire? Who wants to take a pill if they don't have to?

 

FYI, I am a woman who strongly resists taking medication of any sort, but particularly anything that affects my sex drive if I'm in a relationship. I know you're going to say, oh LT is a 'freak', but I'm sure I can't be the only one. Maybe you're just unlucky that you married a woman who's gone of sex.

 

And Ladydesigner

 

This is a very interesting post and I feel it perfectly explains how I feel. I am no longer in my 20's and am about 15 years away from menopause. Since having kids I have lost the DESIRE to have sex altogether. It doesn't mean I do not enjoy it, because I do every time my H and I are intimate together. I just no longer desire it and I am not exactly super attracted to my H as I was when we were younger. I love him and love being around him. If there was a pill to ignite the desire again I would definitely take it.

 

Very interesting and that is why I ask it. I'd like to think I am still desirable, somewhat attractive and my wife enjoys spending time with me. I think 70% of the time that is the case. Oh yes and how I've repeated over and over she does like it when we have it.... Just not a craving, more like "take it or leave it"...... So LittleTiger she has not gone off sex, just very low on the priority scale......

 

I also know 100% she has no interest in sex with other males and when she kicks me to the curb it will not be to run into the arms of someone else........

 

That is what I call small victories!!!!!!

Edited March 16, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[xxoo]

This is a very interesting post and I feel it perfectly explains how I feel. I am no longer in my 20's and am about 15 years away from menopause. Since having kids I have lost the DESIRE to have sex altogether. It doesn't mean I do not enjoy it, because I do every time my H and I are intimate together. I just no longer desire it and I am not exactly super attracted to my H as I was when we were younger. I love him and love being around him. If there was a pill to ignite the desire again I would definitely take it.

 

lady, I'm curious....I know you've posted extensively about the infidelity in your marriage (your H's and yours). Did you desire sex with your affair partner? Also, is it possible that your H's infidelity has affected your desire for him?

[linwood]

Women are not so much visual. They are aroused by something else entirely, that you can't quite put your finger on. So I think women get bored far more easily as it becomes increasingly harder to turn women on when it isn't so simple for a man to dress nice and have a good body.

 

I never bought into this.

It`s my experience that women are indeed visually stimulated.

 

There are other factors of course but on the flip side there are other factors for men as well.

The stereotypical sex crazed male is an untruth.

 

In no way do I condone cheating but in a situation like this I see nothing wrong with a man telling his wife that he will go elsewhere if he has tried everything. I said say the same thing for a woman as well. Nobody should be forced to live like a catholic priest.

 

I told my wife years ago if our sex life became pathetic I`d get a mistress.

At the time I meant it and she believed it but now I don`t think I would.

I`d just leave.

 

I think that some women use a man for security and don't really fancy him like that. It's funny though how in one case when a friend of mine threatened to find another woman all of a sudden his wife's libido magically came back.

 

Absolute fact.

 

But why would you stay with someone that you resent?

 

Most probably economic/social security.

It`s why most women continue to pretend.

They can`t make it on their own and know it.

[ladydesigner]

lady, I'm curious....I know you've posted extensively about the infidelity in your marriage (your H's and yours). Did you desire sex with your affair partner? Also, is it possible that your H's infidelity has affected your desire for him?

 

Yes I absolutely desired sex with my XAP, but the actual sex ended up not being very good so ended those feelings. My XAP was filling an emotional need in me more so than the physical.

 

The desire for my H ended after having our first child and he was never around, not helping out. We had a lot of other life stresses caused by him that were not infidelity related that made me resent him deeply. He was also always threatening to end the M if I did not have more sex with him. This caused me to resent him more. I believe his infidelity was the cause of our lack of sex. Since his infidelity we have had more passionate sex, probably hysterical bonding.

 

Both of us were very bad at communicating. Today we are a totally different couple. I am beginning to desire him again. But that crazy insane desire to have sex I no longer have and I am not sure if it is because of everything that has gone on in our M, me, or maybe a combination of both.