Women & Sex..... Some will think a sexist rant....

[Alma Mobley]

I'll point it out to you but can you guess why this conversation pissed her off?

 

I'll bite... because he is condescending and doesn't seem to respect her. She liked that "crappy" movie so she'd probably like the inferior book and not the great one, which was his favorite. How nice to know that he does this on a regular basis.

[Moanin]

the less intimate we are, the more disconnected I feel, and the more disconnected I feel, the more awkward it is to be intimate.

 

I agree with this statement 100%

Edited March 17, 2011 by Moanin

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Tdp, you give off a very controlling vibe in regards to your marriage. Might this have anything to do with the sexless part of it, in a form of passive-aggressive resistance?

 

What have I said that is so off-putting????? Trust me if anyone is controlling it is my spouse. My attempts at control would come from trying too hard at times to think ahead and do things I think she wants and yes getting in trouble.....

[threebyfate]

What have I said that is so off-putting????? Trust me if anyone is controlling it is my spouse. My attempts at control would come from trying too hard at times to think ahead and do things I think she wants and yes getting in trouble.....

The best judge of your behaviour since it directly affects her, is your spouse. Why not ask her what she thinks?

[sally4sara]

I'll bite... because he is condescending and doesn't seem to respect her. She liked that "crappy" movie so she'd probably like the inferior book and not the great one, which was his favorite. How nice to know that he does this on a regular basis.

 

Ding ding ding!

 

To him, he just knows her well enough to know what she likes and thinks she is reading too much into his words (that twisting we women get told we do) but to her - she hears what you spotted. And who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't seem to respect them?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The best judge of your behaviour since it directly affects her, is your spouse. Why not ask her what she thinks?

 

You made a generaliziation or took a direct shot at me and I'd like an example as to what is so off putting in this thread or others to you so I can look, assess and hopefully grow or do something about it?

 

I admit I am not perfect and certainly know that I may do things that are taken the wrong way. An example today was I commented on the things my wife watches on TV (her rotation so to speak) that fall into a certain predictable category. Not terrible, not meant as an insult but sometimes I note repetitive. She then attacks that I like garbage (i.e. reality, silly comedies and and can watch even "female" shows). To me that is one upping me. CSI, Criminal Minds, NCIS or anything where there is mystery and a british accent.... you can shrug your shoulder about, but if you say you watch American Idol, Survivor, a Real Housewives or the Bachelor, you will get an eye roll or told you equate to the lowest common denominator (i.e. guilty pleasures).....

[sally4sara]

You made a generaliziation or took a direct shot at me and I'd like an example as to what is so off putting in this thread or others to you so I can look, assess and hopefully grow or do something about it?

 

I admit I am not perfect and certainly know that I may do things that are taken the wrong way. An example today was I commented on the things my wife watches on TV (her rotation so to speak) that fall into a certain predictable category. Not terrible, not meant as an insult but sometimes I note repetitive. She then attacks that I like garbage (i.e. reality, silly comedies and and can watch even "female" shows). To me that is one upping me. CSI, Criminal Minds, NCIS or anything where there is mystery and a british accent.... you can shrug your shoulder about, but if you say you watch American Idol, Survivor, a Real Housewives or the Bachelor, you will get an eye roll or told you equate to the lowest common denominator (i.e. guilty pleasures).....

 

Sounds like she is on the defensive with you pretty quickly. Why would that be?

[sally4sara]

As I said before, viagra helps men to do something they already want to do. Lets say, to make your wife happier, you could take a pill to make you desire sex less often - would you take that?

 

I noticed none of the men complaining about their wife not wanting sex as often as they'd like bothered to answer this.

 

Since there is no necessary amount of sex for survival, there is no right or wrong for how much a person should want. We got the OP asking why, if there was a pill for women to want sex more would they choose to not take it to make their husband happier.

 

So yeah I think it needs answering. If there was a pill to make men want sex less, why wouldn't a man choose to take it if it made their wife happier?

[WorldIsYours]

Please don't comment as if you know anything about my situation....it is apparent from your posts that you are a bitter person. I'm sorry for whoever wronged you, but you do not need to come here and spew your poison onto other people...

 

Obviously I know something about your situation when you made a few posts about it. If anyone's bitter it is you, ma'am.

[WorldIsYours]

I noticed none of the men complaining about their wife not wanting sex as often as they'd like bothered to answer this.

 

Since there is no necessary amount of sex for survival, there is no right or wrong for how much a person should want. We got the OP asking why, if there was a pill for women to want sex more would they choose to not take it to make their husband happier.

 

So yeah I think it needs answering. If there was a pill to make men want sex less, why wouldn't a man choose to take it if it made their wife happier?

 

Sometimes sex is not always about pleasing oneself.

[sally4sara]

Sometimes sex is not always about pleasing oneself.

 

Not really an answer to the question but thanks.

[LittleTiger]

As I said before, viagra helps men to do something they already want to do. Lets say, to make your wife happier, you could take a pill to make you desire sex less often - would you take that?

 

I'd really appreciate an answer from TDP on this one as it was him I originally addressed the question to.

 

So.....TDP?

[WorldIsYours]

Not really an answer to the question but thanks.

 

That's because I wasn't answering your question. It was about one of your comments. Thanks.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'd really appreciate an answer from TDP on this one as it was him I originally addressed the question to.

 

So.....TDP?

 

Sure.... I always with a mathematical background talk in averages. I have never said or claimed I want "freaky all day/all night" sex. I simply and have asked before for an "ok" sex life. To me that is 1-3 X's a week and heck a week of rest during periods.....

 

Reading here, I was lucky during the child years (<12), that it was never the 2X/yr existence. I am incredibly lucky that my wife I still find gorgeous (and others do too).....

 

However if I wanted and needed it everyday and there was a pill that cut it to 1-3X/wk and get it (and make my wife happy), yep I could live with it...... The 1X/mth pill no thanks........

 

And you know what if my wife truly did not enjoy sex (or orgasm), yep I'd see the point....

 

I've laid myself bare and been honest.

 

As for the libido pill that was another thread long ago that I started. This thread was about how difficult the root causes for these issues are for women and as I stated when women have complained or posted about lack of sex from a spouse, the reasons were pretty simple.

[LittleTiger]

The 1X/mth pill no thanks........

 

Thanks TDP :laugh:

[Moanin]

Obviously I know something about your situation when you made a few posts about it. If anyone's bitter it is you, ma'am.

 

This is the last time I'm going to give you the benefit of a response....other than that, I don't have the time to waste on your nonsense..

 

You ARE bitter and apparently have no life outside of your computer.. You just joined this Mach (2011) and already put up 306 posts (28 on average per day)....and your contributions are mostly slinging s*it at people....get a life...

[sally4sara]

Sure.... I always with a mathematical background talk in averages. I have never said or claimed I want "freaky all day/all night" sex. I simply and have asked before for an "ok" sex life. To me that is 1-3 X's a week and heck a week of rest during periods.....

 

Reading here, I was lucky during the child years (<12), that it was never the 2X/yr existence. I am incredibly lucky that my wife I still find gorgeous (and others do too).....

 

However if I wanted and needed it everyday and there was a pill that cut it to 1-3X/wk and get it (and make my wife happy), yep I could live with it...... The 1X/mth pill no thanks........

 

And you know what if my wife truly did not enjoy sex (or orgasm), yep I'd see the point....

I've laid myself bare and been honest.

 

As for the libido pill that was another thread long ago that I started. This thread was about how difficult the root causes for these issues are for women and as I stated when women have complained or posted about lack of sex from a spouse, the reasons were pretty simple.

 

I'm in no way trying to suggest that you've earned the situation you're unsatisfied in but I would like you to at least think on this:

 

You bring a complaint about a lack of sex to your wife. You're not getting it enough. Since sex isn't a basic need, it is hard to measure what is enough. As well, WHO gets to decide what is enough of something that takes at least two to accomplish? Further, her baseline (one of lacking in your eyes) needs to increase just to be considered "ok" to you. So even if she increases from her baseline to more than she would prefer, you are still not getting as much as you want.

I don't pretend to not understand your frustration. I'd be frustrated too. But what you're doing here is where we get the retort "nothing is ever good enough for you". If I made three times the amount of spaghetti than I ever wanted to eat trying to make my husband happy and all I got out of it was "not bad, but not as good as I'd like it to be" I'd stop making spaghetti even though I entered the relationship enjoying spaghetti.

 

Who wants to put in more effort just to be deemed "ok"?

 

Also, unless you got a medical lab you're hooking her up to, you don't know for sure your wife is having an orgasm.

[dreamingoftigers]

Does anyone know where i can get some of those lower desire pills?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'm in no way trying to suggest that you've earned the situation you're unsatisfied in but I would like you to at least think on this:

 

You bring a complaint about a lack of sex to your wife. You're not getting it enough. Since sex isn't a basic need, it is hard to measure what is enough. As well, WHO gets to decide what is enough of something that takes at least two to accomplish? Further, her baseline (one of lacking in your eyes) needs to increase just to be considered "ok" to you. So even if she increases from her baseline to more than she would prefer, you are still not getting as much as you want.

I don't pretend to not understand your frustration. I'd be frustrated too. But what you're doing here is where we get the retort "nothing is ever good enough for you". If I made three times the amount of spaghetti than I ever wanted to eat trying to make my husband happy and all I got out of it was "not bad, but not as good as I'd like it to be" I'd stop making spaghetti even though I entered the relationship enjoying spaghetti.

 

Who wants to put in more effort just to be deemed "ok"?

 

Also, unless you got a medical lab you're hooking her up to, you don't know for sure your wife is having an orgasm.

 

First I am not sure what you are saying and getting tired of defending my posts. I give #'s that I think a reasonable person reading would look at and say "that seems fair".... If I said I wanted it 2-3X's/day you would have every right to think I'm crazy and send my wife condolence cards..... Oh yea and as said elsewhere we are not talking all night, banging the walls rolls in the hay.....

 

If you don't think it is reasonable so be it.....

 

 

As for what I have bolded..... If my wife did not have an orgasm I promise you there'd be absolutely no sex whatsoever...... The fact I need to answer that is insulting.....

[xxoo]

If my wife did not have an orgasm I promise you there'd be absolutely no sex whatsoever......

 

I still wonder if that is part of the problem.

 

If not having an orgasm is a horrible outcome (for her, or for you), that may cut down on the days she'll be willing to try sex. For a lot of women, all days are not equal in the capacity for orgasm. She may avoid sex on days she is not Absolutely Certain that orgasm will happen.

[sally4sara]

First I am not sure what you are saying and getting tired of defending my posts. I give #'s that I think a reasonable person reading would look at and say "that seems fair".... If I said I wanted it 2-3X's/day you would have every right to think I'm crazy and send my wife condolence cards..... Oh yea and as said elsewhere we are not talking all night, banging the walls rolls in the hay.....

 

If you don't think it is reasonable so be it.....

 

 

As for what I have bolded..... If my wife did not have an orgasm I promise you there'd be absolutely no sex whatsoever...... The fact I need to answer that is insulting.....

 

This is funny. I state TWICE that I'm not trying to qualify what is and isn't enough so there is no way I'm suggesting you're being unreasonable in how much. I even state that I'd be frustrated as well in your position. You still think I'm attacking you and painting you out unreasonable. Did you come here for a variety of perspectives or to be told you're the "right one" out of the two of you?

 

Is this why your wife is quick on the defensive?

 

Think about it man, that's all I'm offering here. I don't care if you get laid more or not.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This is funny. I state TWICE that I'm not trying to qualify what is and isn't enough so there is no way I'm suggesting you're being unreasonable in how much. I even state that I'd be frustrated as well in your position. You still think I'm attacking you and painting you out unreasonable. Did you come here for a variety of perspectives or to be told you're the "right one" out of the two of you?

 

Is this why your wife is quick on the defensive?

 

Think about it man, that's all I'm offering here. I don't care if you get laid more or not.

 

And the thread I'm convinced is about something completely different. What I say when i give #'s is a baseline for those to understand what I as a male consider nothing out of the ordinary. Heck may 3 months of 1-3X/wk and I'd be happy onc every 10 days.... Point is it has been a long time so how would I know. And as I say all is not bad with my wife and I.....

[Mrs. Jones]

I think if most of these women could be brutally honest with their men, it would boil down to the fact that the wives are no longer attracted to their husbands.

 

I am one of those women... I can't be brutally honest with my H because it's not within me... as much as I resent him (most of the time) and dislike him (sometimes), it is not within me to crush him with those words...

 

I have a sex drive.....I just don't have the desire to be with my husband.. I wish I did, but I don't.

 

I am where you are. I also think people get bored with each other after a while even though they claim to be still in love. They become more like brother and sister and it’s hard to get hot when you’re feeling like that.

 

I’ve been with my H for 20 years and we roll around 1 or 2x a week. I don’t have the heat for my H (though he is attractive ), but I have those urges and I need sex and like it. It’s just the intimacy for me is gone. Our sex is physical, pretty good, and frequent enough…but I do not feel the passion and connection that I would like. If I did, I would want it so much more.

 

I do not understand how men can stay with these women who refuse them and have excuses continually. I understand going through a rut…I had kids, there was some infrequency, but then I was back. I would think deep resentment would set in. Why stay? Tell them you’ll get it elsewhere and I bet they change their tune.

 

Sex is an important ingredient in a relationship and I think for a partner to just give up and refuse the sex is controlling and selfish.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am where you are. I also think people get bored with each other after a while even though they claim to be still in love. They become more like brother and sister and it’s hard to get hot when you’re feeling like that.

 

I’ve been with my H for 20 years and we roll around 1 or 2x a week. I don’t have the heat for my H (though he is attractive ), but I have those urges and I need sex and like it. It’s just the intimacy for me is gone. Our sex is physical, pretty good, and frequent enough…but I do not feel the passion and connection that I would like. If I did, I would want it so much more.

 

I do not understand how men can stay with these women who refuse them and have excuses continually. I understand going through a rut…I had kids, there was some infrequency, but then I was back. I would think deep resentment would set in. Why stay? Tell them you’ll get it elsewhere and I bet they change their tune.

 

Sex is an important ingredient in a relationship and I think for a partner to just give up and refuse the sex is controlling and selfish.

 

is he oblivious to the fact you don't feel the same attraction and intimacy. Are you dreaming a "harlequin romance" ideal?

 

I see red when I read this as you are absolutely right the mundane everyday can kill your libido and the passion for your spouse if you let it. But if your spouse maintains their attractiveness, does loving things for you, wants to show the passion and you shrug your shoulders then it is your responsibility to do something and figure out why you harbour this ambivalence.

 

Hey but at least you are enjoying it and doing it 1-2X/wk..... Sadly I wonder if my spouse feels the same.

 

Or do you just need the high of a new relationship to ignite the spark in you.....

Edited March 18, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[xxoo]

I’ve been with my H for 20 years and we roll around 1 or 2x a week. I don’t have the heat for my H (though he is attractive ), but I have those urges and I need sex and like it. It’s just the intimacy for me is gone. Our sex is physical, pretty good, and frequent enough…but I do not feel the passion and connection that I would like. If I did, I would want it so much more..

 

What happened to the intimacy?

 

This is something I have trouble understanding. For me (also with my partner 20 years), the intimacy continues to grow deeper with the years, the shared love, the shared struggles, the shared joys, etc. But what you are describing seems all too common--the intimacy and connection fading over the years.

 

Do you know why the feelings faded? Do you think you could get them back?

 

is he oblivious to the fact you don't feel the same attraction and intimacy. Are you dreaming a "harlequin romance" ideal?

 

I see red when I read this as you are absolutely right the mundane everyday can kill your libido and the passion for your spouse if you let it. But if your spouse maintains their attractiveness, does loving things for you, wants to show the passion and you shrug your shoulders then it is responsibility to do something.

 

Or do you just need the high of a new relationship to ignite the spark in you.....

 

Her truth is frustrating to read, but at least she hasn't turned away from the sexual relationship. She sounds like a loyal, caring wife, if not wildly attracted to her H.