Women & Sex..... Some will think a sexist rant....

[giotto]

I do not understand how men can stay with these women who refuse them and have excuses continually. I understand going through a rut…I had kids, there was some infrequency, but then I was back. I would think deep resentment would set in. Why stay? Tell them you’ll get it elsewhere and I bet they change their tune.

 

Sex is an important ingredient in a relationship and I think for a partner to just give up and refuse the sex is controlling and selfish.

 

 

We still have kids with us... and, I would never ever say "if you don't have sex with me, I'll go and get it somewhere else"... we do want our wives to want to have sex with us. I threatened divorce over this and I regretted it. I should have just divorced her. Because I know that now she has sex because she feels she HAS to, well, maybe not every time. But I'm sure that, if left to her, she would not have sex at all. So, you have a choice: stay in an almost sexless marriage because you love your children and still care about your wife, or go. I decided to stay.

[pyroguy]

I think if most of these women could be brutally honest with their men, it would boil down to the fact that the wives are no longer attracted to their husbands.

 

I am one of those women... I can't be brutally honest with my H because it's not within me... as much as I resent him (most of the time) and dislike him (sometimes), it is not within me to crush him with those words...

 

I have a sex drive.....I just don't have the desire to be with my husband.. I wish I did, but I don't.

 

Bingo! Bingo!. I've said it here many times before.Men don't want to face it. Many women don't want to admit it. Bravo for you. the idea that women aren't visual is complete bull****. Women get very interested and aroused bty men who do nothing for her in life.

 

One only needs to listen to women talk amongst themselves, see how they behave when they have girls night out, look at the cheating stats, and even see how many of the female posters here fantasize about other men constantly, even if they proclaim to be in great realtionship with an attractive guy.

 

I say it all the time; men better take care of themselves, workout and take some pride in how they look and act. There are so many naive guys who haven't worked out in years, are all frumpy, but somehow are surprised when their fit, Milfy wives look around. If they're lucky, that's all she will do. Sadly, more and more these days, they are doing much more...and it's not for some complex issue and/or what the husband isn't doing.

 

That said, women are a bit carried away too. They seem to expect or think they deserve perfection, like it's a god given right of female empowerment. These women aren't perfect either and are never satisfied..always looking for something better.

[Woggle]

I get hit on by these women in the summer and they are just as digusting as they claim their men to be. There are many beautiful older women but most of them are not out there dressing like they are out of some 80s rock video and cheating like it is their womanly right to do. Many of them also get a little booze in them as well and make complete asses of themselves.

[WorldIsYours]

I say it all the time; men better take care of themselves, workout and take some pride in how they look and act. There are so many naive guys who haven't worked out in years, are all frumpy, but somehow are surprised when their fit, Milfy wives look around. If they're lucky, that's all she will do. Sadly, more and more these days, they are doing much more...and it's not for some complex issue and/or what the husband isn't doing.

 

Not those guy's fault that their wives want to be skanks.

[Woggle]

Not those guy's fault that their wives want to be skanks.

 

Women have a right to their sexuality so stop being a patriarchal pig and let these women express it. You don't own her so she can screw who she wants.

 

I am being sarcastic in case you didn't notice.

[Mrs. Jones]

is he oblivious to the fact you don't feel the same attraction and intimacy. Are you dreaming a "harlequin romance" ideal?

 

I see red when I read this as you are absolutely right the mundane everyday can kill your libido and the passion for your spouse if you let it. But if your spouse maintains their attractiveness, does loving things for you, wants to show the passion and you shrug your shoulders then it is your responsibility to do something and figure out why you harbour this ambivalence.

 

Hey but at least you are enjoying it and doing it 1-2X/wk..... Sadly I wonder if my spouse feels the same.

 

Or do you just need the high of a new relationship to ignite the spark in you.....

 

I know you do not know my story and one of these days I will post it, but my husband has been verbally abusive with me in the past and selfish with his time, so it’s difficult for me to feel deeply for him like a W should. I'm not sure I feel that deeep love to have the connection and intimacy. I cannot forget what has happened over the years. During a long period of time I really did not want him around as he brought a lot of stress to the house. He’s a bit type A.

 

On another note, I was more sexually experienced than he when we got together. It was my game plan we played, which was fine as we both always got off. He enjoys sex very much and would like it more frequently, but it’s me. I’m bored, but I like sex...but meaningful passionate sex is what I crave and I don't feel that with him and am not sure I can get it back. Don’t get me wrong, I get what I need and it’s important for him that I’m taken care of, but it’s usually me using him like a toy.

 

I did have a new relationship and it did ignite that spark. I’m having a difficult time with this now knowing what I know…and feel.

[Mrs. Jones]

What happened to the intimacy?

 

This is something I have trouble understanding. For me (also with my partner 20 years), the intimacy continues to grow deeper with the years, the shared love, the shared struggles, the shared joys, etc. But what you are describing seems all too common--the intimacy and connection fading over the years.

 

Do you know why the feelings faded? Do you think you could get them back?

 

 

 

Her truth is frustrating to read, but at least she hasn't turned away from the sexual relationship. She sounds like a loyal, caring wife, if not wildly attracted to her H.

 

I wish I had what you do. I've been reading your posts the past couple of months with envy. I do not think I feel the love you experience with your H. My H has not always treated me as I would have liked. Both sides of the family have witnessed his behavoir and would probably not be surprised if I walked.

 

I admit I am not loyal. I had an A for a little over 2 years that ended 6 months ago, and this has changed his behavior toward me in a positive way. But I wonder if it's too little, too late. I am trying to get that loving feeling back.

[Mrs. Jones]

We still have kids with us... and, I would never ever say "if you don't have sex with me, I'll go and get it somewhere else"... we do want our wives to want to have sex with us. I threatened divorce over this and I regretted it. I should have just divorced her. Because I know that now she has sex because she feels she HAS to, well, maybe not every time. But I'm sure that, if left to her, she would not have sex at all. So, you have a choice: stay in an almost sexless marriage because you love your children and still care about your wife, or go. I decided to stay.

 

I have such a hard time with this. My xMOM is in the same situation as you, though his last child is heading off to college in the fall.

 

His wife has many health issues, many due to her sedentary lifestyle. She is much overweight…I have seen a picture…so does not have good body image. He claims to live in the sexless marriage, is not attracted to her, but feels he needs to stay because he promised he’d be there for her and he’s the only one to care for her. She needs him, so he says. Yet, he is deeply depressed and is on anti-depressants and is seeking counseling. Am I missing something here? He must really love her…but he had a funny way of showing it…for over 2 years. What do you make of that?

 

Do you love your W that much to sacrifice your needs? Where is her sacrifice and love to please you? A happy marriage is 2 happily married people. Are you one of those? I just don’t understand and am not trying to grill you, but am looking for answers and possibly closure.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I know you do not know my story and one of these days I will post it, but my husband has been verbally abusive with me in the past and selfish with his time, so it’s difficult for me to feel deeply for him like a W should. I'm not sure I feel that deeep love to have the connection and intimacy. I cannot forget what has happened over the years. During a long period of time I really did not want him around as he brought a lot of stress to the house. He’s a bit type A.

 

On another note, I was more sexually experienced than he when we got together. It was my game plan we played, which was fine as we both always got off. He enjoys sex very much and would like it more frequently, but it’s me. I’m bored, but I like sex...but meaningful passionate sex is what I crave and I don't feel that with him and am not sure I can get it back. Don’t get me wrong, I get what I need and it’s important for him that I’m taken care of, but it’s usually me using him like a toy.

 

I did have a new relationship and it did ignite that spark. I’m having a difficult time with this now knowing what I know…and feel.

 

No I don't know your story but I've highlighted what I all too often read and makes me angry. You may be 100% right and he cruel and abusive but those are just so trite stock answers. I ask whether he has made amends and is a better person and whether you have accepted it. Doesn't sound like it....

 

Then you belittle him because you were the experienced one and taught him and now use him as a toy. Talk about scary. What do you expect? You knew more, had a willing boy to play along and then mock him?

 

And you know what? I don't even condemn cheating......

[Mrs. Jones]

No I don't know your story but I've highlighted what I all too often read and makes me angry. You may be 100% right and he cruel and abusive but those are just so trite stock answers. I ask whether he has made amends and is a better person and whether you have accepted it. Doesn't sound like it....

 

Then you belittle him because you were the experienced one and taught him and now use him as a toy. Talk about scary. What do you expect? You knew more, had a willing boy to play along and then mock him?

 

And you know what? I don't even condemn cheating......

 

You're taking this all wrong, or I possibly am not communicating it effectively.

 

Both sides of the family have seen his ways with me and have made comments to both of us. Him, to cool it, and me, do you make enough money to support yourself. Yes, I should have divorced him instead of having the A. But, he has totally changed since me doing so. I'm not ready to accept it yet. We'll see how long it lasts.

 

As far as experience, I was trying to make a point. I only stated what I did because unless both parties bring new perspectives to the bedroom, there will be boredom. And it's me bringing it 99% of the time. I'm bored.

 

Looks like you're bringing it and she's not interested, so why are you all over me?

[Woggle]

I think that he means is that women in affairs tend to demonize their husbands in the worst possible ways. This might not be you but 9 times out of 10 when I hear a cheating woman demonize her husband I take it with a grain of salt because I bet he is not nearly as bad as she says. I didn't do even 10% of the crap my ex accused me of.

[Mrs. Jones]

I think that he means is that women in affairs tend to demonize their husbands in the worst possible ways. This might not be you but 9 times out of 10 when I hear a cheating woman demonize her husband I take it with a grain of salt because I bet he is not nearly as bad as she says. I didn't do even 10% of the crap my ex accused me of.

 

I get what you're saying and I have not demonized him to anyone in anyway. I think he has done a good enough job doing that for himself.

 

He is a good guy, but has a problem that he is now aware of how serious it affected our relationship.

 

It has also affected my feelings for him in bed.

[giotto]

His wife has many health issues, many due to her sedentary lifestyle. She is much overweight…I have seen a picture…so does not have good body image. He claims to live in the sexless marriage, is not attracted to her, but feels he needs to stay because he promised he’d be there for her and he’s the only one to care for her. She needs him, so he says. Yet, he is deeply depressed and is on anti-depressants and is seeking counseling. Am I missing something here? He must really love her…but he had a funny way of showing it…for over 2 years. What do you make of that?

 

Maybe he has a high sense of duty and responsibility. Some men do... I do too.

 

Do you love your W that much to sacrifice your needs? Where is her sacrifice and love to please you? A happy marriage is 2 happily married people. Are you one of those? I just don’t understand and am not trying to grill you, but am looking for answers and possibly closure.

 

It's been a long struggle, also because my wife never told me the real scale of her issues. It's a long story, but she has anxiety issues (OCD) and takes anti-depressants (it's been over 10 years now). She always denied the seriousness of it, until I threatened divorce. Then she confessed and promised to seek therapy (which she hasn't done yet). Her issues, the anti-depressants and the worsening of her issues have really rocked our marriage, especially because I wasn't aware of how awful it was for her. So, all this has created a real emotional gap between us, which I'm finding impossible to fill. The way she's treated me, hiding stuff from me, has made me falling out of love with her, slowly.

 

Why do I stay? Because I know she is ill, although she is pretty normal most of the time. I don't think I could go right now. We get on alright, but sex is infrequent (obviously) and the relationship a bit dead... I wish I could have my "old" wife back, but - until she seeks therapy - it's not going to happen.

[Alma Mobley]

Mrs Jones, I tried to look up your backstory and found your thread about stalking. I have to ask, did you ever find out who he/she was? Reading the thread, I got my own idea of who it was (it was like a whodunnit!) but I wondered if you ever found out.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You're taking this all wrong, or I possibly am not communicating it effectively.

 

Both sides of the family have seen his ways with me and have made comments to both of us. Him, to cool it, and me, do you make enough money to support yourself. Yes, I should have divorced him instead of having the A. But, he has totally changed since me doing so. I'm not ready to accept it yet. We'll see how long it lasts.

 

As far as experience, I was trying to make a point. I only stated what I did because unless both parties bring new perspectives to the bedroom, there will be boredom. And it's me bringing it 99% of the time. I'm bored.

 

Looks like you're bringing it and she's not interested, so why are you all over me?

 

and just wanted to clarification. What you have told me is that he takes lessons well but is not "adventurous" and clueless unless you give him instruction.

 

Now that can be taken two ways too. Maybe you haven't told him he needs to take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and feels inadequate in there.

 

Second when you say verbally abusive and that it is so much so that people close to you worried, that to me is terrible too.

 

Look there are three sides to every story and now you are saying he is working hard to be a better person. You are right I can't make a judgement, but I pointed out things that were and still are troublesome in your post.

[Moanin]

I get what you're saying and I have not demonized him to anyone in anyway. I think he has done a good enough job doing that for himself.

 

He is a good guy, but has a problem that he is now aware of how serious it affected our relationship.

 

It has also affected my feelings for him in bed.

 

I understand what you're saying Mrs. Jones and feel the same way about my H.

 

I would give anything to desire my husband again. I want to want him...I just can't seem to get that desire back. I don't think it's possible (for me anyway). It would make life so much easier as he is the father of my children and my husband.

 

On a grand scale, he isn't as bad as some of the other H's I've read about, but that doesn't make him a great H either.. I would love more than anything to be friends with him. I find that when I open up to him about work, friends, something going on unrelated to us, he becomes critical of me instead of being an advocate for me... I can't tell you what that does to me on the inside...

 

I came to LS looking for answers and it has been helpful for me, not necessarily in finding an answer, but just in knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings....

 

Good luck to you.

[Mrs. Jones]

and just wanted to clarification. What you have told me is that he takes lessons well but is not "adventurous" and clueless unless you give him instruction.

 

Now that can be taken two ways too. Maybe you haven't told him he needs to take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and feels inadequate in there.

 

Second when you say verbally abusive and that it is so much so that people close to you worried, that to me is terrible too.

 

Look there are three sides to every story and now you are saying he is working hard to be a better person. You are right I can't make a judgement, but I pointed out things that were and still are troublesome in your post.

 

Good morning tdp,

 

You are correct in your observation. He wants to be adventurous, but does not have the experiences to do so, therefore it is a little awkward and after a while I resort to something we enjoy together doing. I do want him to take the bull and a few other things while he’s at it. I have even told him to watch porn, though I’m sure he’s doing this anyway, in the hopes he may learn to be more assertive. I know he can be, it’s just the skill thing. When he does something I really enjoy, I let him know, I totally encourage him. Heck, I want more of it later.

 

I have to state, and I know you are against this, but my activities with my xMOM were amazing. We were matched perfectly sexually and were very unrestrained in our behavior. It was like a dance and he would consume me with all of his senses. He was very p*ssy savvy. I’m having a hard time letting this go knowing what I know. Our encounters were not too often, but were very memorable…for the both of us.

 

I am slowly opening back up to my H. There are days I want him to have all of my heart, but still most of the time I am cautious. He’s a better person to me than he was 6 months ago, and I do appreciate that. I just do not like how something so wrong brought this change in him. This thing so wrong that I’m having a hard time forgetting.

[Mrs. Jones]

Maybe he has a high sense of duty and responsibility. Some men do... I do too.

 

 

 

It's been a long struggle, also because my wife never told me the real scale of her issues. It's a long story, but she has anxiety issues (OCD) and takes anti-depressants (it's been over 10 years now). She always denied the seriousness of it, until I threatened divorce. Then she confessed and promised to seek therapy (which she hasn't done yet). Her issues, the anti-depressants and the worsening of her issues have really rocked our marriage, especially because I wasn't aware of how awful it was for her. So, all this has created a real emotional gap between us, which I'm finding impossible to fill. The way she's treated me, hiding stuff from me, has made me falling out of love with her, slowly.

 

Why do I stay? Because I know she is ill, although she is pretty normal most of the time. I don't think I could go right now. We get on alright, but sex is infrequent (obviously) and the relationship a bit dead... I wish I could have my "old" wife back, but - until she seeks therapy - it's not going to happen.

 

Oh Giotto…reading your response reminds me so much of my xMOM. It’s helping me to understand though frustrating me at the same time.

 

He does have a high sense of duty/responsibility and I know that is why he is still there. He had threatened to D her too and told his whole family he was doing so, only to report he could not do it because she has no one if he were to leave. He’s afraid she’d be a lonely woman because no one would want her. His W too is on the anti-depressants. The fact that they both pop the anti’s in order to exist in the same house baffles me. It’s this fact that is helping me to let him go for I cannot understand why he wants to live so unhappily. He’ll be looking for an outlet for happiness again after things settle down, and knowing this hurts me.

 

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Can I ask (and please do not answer if you feel it’s out of line) …if you knew then what you know now would you have married her? I just do not like hearing that she knows you are not happy with the situation, but does nothing to correct it. Especially if she loves you. It’s as if she is telling you to put up or shut up, which is what you decided to do. I just do not know how you “guys” go through life half filled. Maybe it’s me…maybe I’m unrealistic.

[Mrs. Jones]

I understand what you're saying Mrs. Jones and feel the same way about my H.

 

I would give anything to desire my husband again. I want to want him...I just can't seem to get that desire back. I don't think it's possible (for me anyway). It would make life so much easier as he is the father of my children and my husband.

 

On a grand scale, he isn't as bad as some of the other H's I've read about, but that doesn't make him a great H either.. I would love more than anything to be friends with him. I find that when I open up to him about work, friends, something going on unrelated to us, he becomes critical of me instead of being an advocate for me... I can't tell you what that does to me on the inside...

 

I came to LS looking for answers and it has been helpful for me, not necessarily in finding an answer, but just in knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings....

 

Good luck to you.

 

Moanin…you and me both. I’ve been reading you posts and I have to admit that I relate to a lot of what you are going through. My sex is vanilla…well, with a little flavor provided here and there…by me. I am of the sort too, that once I lose the draw to someone I do not regain it. I will try my best here with the H. Like I said before, I mainly go through the activity with no deep connection. I crave that and just had it with someone else.

 

From what I seem to read here on LS…on the various forums…it is the 2nd marriages that appear to be the most passionate. The one’s who have re-married and probably re-charged the batteries. I know there are a few here that have been in passionate love with their first partner and I envy them. They chose correctly. If I had that love and passion for my H there is nothing I would not do for him, and I know I would not have strayed.

 

My H is a good man, good with the kids…when he’s around, but has a demon that has been quelled but not forgotten. Like your H, mine is very critical and I do know how you feel inside. Since DDay I have not put up with anything. The A made me stronger and I do not tolerate a thing. It's been hard for him at first to adjust, but he knows he's been wrong. I told him this is a new marriage, I do not want the old one. If he cannot handle it, there is the door.

 

Luck to you too.

[Mrs. Jones]

Mrs Jones, I tried to look up your backstory and found your thread about stalking. I have to ask, did you ever find out who he/she was? Reading the thread, I got my own idea of who it was (it was like a whodunnit!) but I wondered if you ever found out.

 

No I have not, but have taken the advice from the various posters of that thread. I had looked into tracking from my cell phone and am watching closely the people and cars around me.

 

My A ended 6 months ago, so I suspect the "follower" has given up, but you never know.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Do tell.

[xxoo]

I have to state, and I know you are against this, but my activities with my xMOM were amazing. We were matched perfectly sexually and were very unrestrained in our behavior. It was like a dance and he would consume me with all of his senses. He was very p*ssy savvy. I’m having a hard time letting this go knowing what I know. Our encounters were not too often, but were very memorable…for the both of us.

 

But, despite his savvy, his sexual relationship with his wife is unsuccessful.

 

So it doesn't all come down to skills. I'm pointing that out for the benefit of the men posting here currently in sexless marriages.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But, despite his savvy, his sexual relationship with his wife is unsuccessful.

 

So it doesn't all come down to skills. I'm pointing that out for the benefit of the men posting here currently in sexless marriages.

 

Is what you're saying simply.... That you better be great in bed or else you will end up sexless? That's cold.....

 

Same as a male saying "You better stay hot and exciting or else"......

 

I'd bet women would scream if there spouse gave them that ultimatum.

 

BTW Mrs. Jones said there encounters were infrequent and I have to wonder if he used up his repetoire and if frankly it wasn't the old "new relationship high" that always envelops people at first.

[xxoo]

Is what you're saying simply.... That you better be great in bed or else you will end up sexless? That's cold.....

 

Same as a male saying "You better stay hot and exciting or else"......

 

I'd bet women would scream if there spouse gave them that ultimatum.

 

BTW Mrs. Jones said there encounters were infrequent and I have to wonder if he used up his repetoire and if frankly it wasn't the old "new relationship high" that always envelops people at first.

 

Omg, no! That's not what I meant

 

What I'm saying is.....you can be AWESOME and exciting and incredibly "savvy", and still have a wife that doesn't want to have sex with you. I'm saying that probably isn't the issue.

[LittleTiger]

Omg, no! That's not what I meant

 

What I'm saying is.....you can be AWESOME and exciting and incredibly "savvy", and still have a wife that doesn't want to have sex with you. I'm saying that probably isn't the issue.

 

I understood you perfectly xxoo...........and you're so right.

 

Even if a man's wife finds him technically brilliant in bed it's no guarantee that she's going to want it all the time.

 

Add to that "one man's meat etc" and you're really none the wiser. In Mrs Jones's case, her xMOM may have been 'savvy' for her but his wife could be 'built' very differently.

 

Unless a woman's (or man's) interest in sex has always been low, the chances are that lack of interest later in marriage has very little to do with the sex itself.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Omg, no! That's not what I meant

 

What I'm saying is.....you can be AWESOME and exciting and incredibly "savvy", and still have a wife that doesn't want to have sex with you. I'm saying that probably isn't the issue.

 

I see where I misread the quote.... But what one woman finds amazing can turn someone off completely......:laugh: I was reading from Mrs. Jones pov.....