Emotionally unavailable father

[Nikki Sahagin]

For once I am not on these boards to discuss a love affair. I want to talk about my relationship with my father.

 

My father is a fantastic provider in the traditional hunter gatherer sense of the word. We have never wanted for presents or holidays. If only that's all it took to be a wonderful father. My dad is emotionally distant. He has never hugged me, never told me he loves me, never said he is proud of me etc. To never hear your father say I love you, I find quite sad and quite immature. I understand there is still the perception that men are strong, tough and controlled but if you can't tell your children that you love them, that's pathetic.

 

My dad only speaks to me on his terms; to tell me he has bought me something or to complain. Whenever I try to make conversation, unless it is about a select few topics that interest him, he kills the conversations or says mmm or something else that maddens me.

 

I feel very rejected and unloved by my father, almost as if he doesn't care that I am here at all or as if he rejects me for changing his marriage to my mother (she is child focused rather than relationship focused now).

 

I've noticed my relationships are to people who are distant or unavailable and if they are not this way, then I act that way to them. I'm beginning to think I may just be imitating the only pattern with men that I really know.

 

I don't know how to break this pattern. I try to avoid talking with my dad now just to avoid the awkward silences. If I don't make the effort to speak one day, he wont make the effort with me. He has always gone to bed without saying goodnight and I've never felt I know him.

 

I wonder why people have kids if they don't want to talk to them or make any effort with them besides giving them a meal and a place to sleep. They then don't understand why girls become starved for attention or boys play up. It's because they act like you aren't there and never acknowledge you. I realise people have kids for many reasons and most of those aren't the romantic 'you were wanted' ideals. I just don't feel my dad loves me, although I know he must. I think he resents me.

[NotKelly]

My father hasn't wished me a happy birthday since I was in high school (20 years ago). His own birthdays aren't important to him, so they shouldn't be important to anyone else, right?

 

Why did our mothers marry these jerks?

[NamNam]

Some times it's a cultural thing. It's embedded within them to be like that as a father or a man perhaps. Perhaps that you've grown up in the current society where the image of a father includes the hunter-gatherer and an emotionally available. That could be a source of where you clash even though it is something as simple as that.

 

Even though your the child, you might need to dive further into this in order to understand who your father is. That might answer some of your questions and hopefully allow you to accept your current relationship with your father.

Edited March 20, 2011 by NamNam

[westrock]

I don't know how to break this pattern.

 

What do you know about your father's upbringing especially how each of your grandparents treated your father as he was growing up? The more you know about his upbringing, the more you will understand why he acts the way he does and the more you will realize that the way he acts towards you is more about him than you.

[blueroses10]

I agree with Westrock. Some people aren't taught how to show love or even shown love so they grow up imitating what they saw in their relationships with their parents.

 

I didn't grow up in a touchy feely type family who declared their love for each other daily or even very often. I didn't realize this was a problem until I started to socialize with others who used the "L" word often and were very touchy feely.

 

It has been hard as an adult for me to allow other adults in but I always vowed to show any children that I had the love that I didn't grow up seeing.

 

I would also caution you not to take this type of attitude into your parenting years and do as much as possible to do the opposite of what you were shown. Also once you become a parent, after a while it's easier to cut your parents some slack on things and know that they didn't have the answers to all the problems in the world or all the things that you might encounter in life. People are who they are and to love is to love them unconditionally (flaws and all).

 

Also, if you say ILY, maybe your father will catch on and say it too, so you will be teaching him something.

[Nikki Sahagin]

What do you know about your father's upbringing especially how each of your grandparents treated your father as he was growing up? The more you know about his upbringing, the more you will understand why he acts the way he does and the more you will realize that the way he acts towards you is more about him than you.

 

I know exactly why my dad 'is' this way. He was put into care at a young age by his father who then took him back and then gave him over to his mum, who had an affair. His dad left and never spoke to him again and his mum, with her affair partner, moved on and had other children who were spoilt whilst my dad was given nothing and had to work from 14 to support himself.

 

I understand how this has affected him but I struggle because he refuses to open up about it or discuss it let alone seek any help.

[spice4life]

I know exactly why my dad 'is' this way. He was put into care at a young age by his father who then took him back and then gave him over to his mum, who had an affair. His dad left and never spoke to him again and his mum, with her affair partner, moved on and had other children who were spoilt whilst my dad was given nothing and had to work from 14 to support himself.

 

I understand how this has affected him but I struggle because he refuses to open up about it or discuss it let alone seek any help.

 

This is tough and I know exactly how you feel. In time though, I realized there was really nothing I could do to get him to talk about his childhood if he didn't want to. The only thing you can do is, understand that this is your father and as much as it hurts to not have the relationship you would like with him, you have to just accept that this is how he is. You can't change him, you are not responsible for him and his hurts, you are only responsible for how you react to him. Once you accept him for who he is, it will be much easier to work around these issues.

[Argentina]

I may be way off the mark here............but have you considered Aspergers Syndrome? It is a developmental disorder that affects the social connections people have with others. Of course, in order to consider this, you would need to know that you father's behaviour is like this with other people and not just you. Anyway, you might like to google Aspergers and see if the symptoms appear recognisable to you.