Honorable_Venerable Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I had a revelation a couple of days ago. In a way it was like one of the occasional events you get in science, where the facts of the event are totally clear, but what those facts actually mean is hopelessly nebulous. I realised that it's nearly the middle of March, and my w and I haven't had sex all year (or well back into last year, in point of fact). The revelation was that I simply didn't give a damn. I couldn't care less. Once it would have upset me, made me feel hurt, angry, determined to change something. I didn't feel anything, and that in itself was a thing that I was unprepared for. I haven't tried initiating since way back, and I have no expectation that she ever will, and I just don't give a sh*t. I'm doing plenty of stuff I enjoy, and our M is polite, cordial, efficient and without any disagreement. The emotional temperature is low on both sides (neither of us makes any sort of overture) and sex simply doesn't enter the equation. The change is that once this would have felt like a breach, and a huge issue. Now, I don't care. Weird or what? Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 way weird. I cant live without sex. To me ur marriage Sucks. sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 your attitude and comments over the last 4-6 months have always been an interesting read, but what struck me is you really had no desire to FIX anything..... Maybe understand, but not to fix of care. This seems the logical conclusion and I really am sorry for you. You deserve so much more then your wife and she has sucked the life out of you. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 your attitude and comments over the last 4-6 months have always been an interesting read, but what struck me is you really had no desire to FIX anything..... he can't fix the unfixable... If it's a real struggle to get sex, at the end of the day you kind of give up, put less emphasis on it and start living a better life... sure, no sex, but at least you are not getting a nervous breakdown... Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 HV, you have my total empathy, I've been there, you just eventually reach a place where you just don't care anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 The revelation was that I simply didn't give a damn. I couldn't care less. Once it would have upset me, made me feel hurt, angry, determined to change something. I didn't feel anything, and that in itself was a thing that I was unprepared for. I haven't tried initiating since way back, and I have no expectation that she ever will, and I just don't give a sh*t. Actually HV, I don't think it's weird at all. It sounds as though you've been grieving the loss of your 'marriage' and your sex life as it used to be. First you can't believe it's happening - denial (hurt?). Second you get angry. Third you start bargaining - determined to change something Fourth you become depressed - hopeless, bitter, frustrated Fifth you accept the situation and learn to deal with it It seems to me you've been through all of this and have finally come to the conclusion that nobody is to blame and you are unable to change things. You've made your peace with your situation. Your wife is as she is and your marriage can and will continue without sexual intimacy for as long as you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Weird or what? It`s sad HV. My best friend is in a marriage just like yours and doesn`t understand why I pity him. Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Time to start making plans to end this thing, that's no way to live. There's no point in having a marriage full of indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Time to start making plans to end this thing, that's no way to live. There's no point in having a marriage full of indifference. Or followed his threads he thinks this is a wonderful turn of events. I find it very sad and disheartening. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Once the love goes - the desire for love via physical intimacy tends to follow. Are you prepared to stay in a loveless marriage once the kids leave? I had a revelation a couple of days ago. In a way it was like one of the occasional events you get in science, where the facts of the event are totally clear, but what those facts actually mean is hopelessly nebulous. I realised that it's nearly the middle of March, and my w and I haven't had sex all year (or well back into last year, in point of fact). The revelation was that I simply didn't give a damn. I couldn't care less. Once it would have upset me, made me feel hurt, angry, determined to change something. I didn't feel anything, and that in itself was a thing that I was unprepared for. I haven't tried initiating since way back, and I have no expectation that she ever will, and I just don't give a sh*t. I'm doing plenty of stuff I enjoy, and our M is polite, cordial, efficient and without any disagreement. The emotional temperature is low on both sides (neither of us makes any sort of overture) and sex simply doesn't enter the equation. The change is that once this would have felt like a breach, and a huge issue. Now, I don't care. Weird or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 your attitude and comments over the last 4-6 months have always been an interesting read, but what struck me is you really had no desire to FIX anything..... Maybe understand, but not to fix of care. This seems the logical conclusion and I really am sorry for you. You deserve so much more then your wife and she has sucked the life out of you. The fact is that the fixing did not lay within my gift. If I could have "fixed" it, you would never have heard of me! A / the major part of "fixing" is something my W has to do - I can't "fix" her childhood and the psychological baggage she schlepped along with her. I can help and support her in what she does to fix it, but she, and she alone, has to want to fix it. SHE has to fix HERSELF before WE can fix our M. I don't know whether she can or will. She's undergoing psychotherapy, but I seem to have acquired infinite patience:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Once the love goes - the desire for love via physical intimacy tends to follow. Are you prepared to stay in a loveless marriage once the kids leave? Bass-ackwards! The "love" remains - on many levels, just in absence of physical intimacy. The weird, inexplicable thing is the fact that it suddenly(?) doesn't bother me. Had you said six months ago, "your sex drive is going to disappear, this lack of sex won't bother you", I'd have asked you if you believed the earth was flat too! It's not like I'm "bashing the bishop" all the time, or spending my time leching after women in my workplace because my W isn't interested. Just - nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Bass-ackwards! The "love" remains - on many levels, just in absence of physical intimacy. The weird, inexplicable thing is the fact that it suddenly(?) doesn't bother me. Had you said six months ago, "your sex drive is going to disappear, this lack of sex won't bother you", I'd have asked you if you believed the earth was flat too! It's not like I'm "bashing the bishop" all the time, or spending my time leching after women in my workplace because my W isn't interested. Just - nothing! HV, I'm in more or less the same position... we can't fix the marriage if my wife doesn't fix herself. At the moment, she says she wants to, but she is doing nothing about it. In this situation, without physical intimacy, you end up conditioning your brain. It's a slow process, but one day you realise it doesn't bother you that much and you learn to suppress your sexual side. It is a bit like emasculating yourself, really, but for some people it's better than divorce, especially when children are involved. I'm pretty sure you still love your wife. I did too, but without physical intimacy my love is waning, because it's not continually reinforced. I was looking at a video of us when we were younger and I though we were a great couple. My wife looked beautiful and I thought: what's happened? The truth is: I don't know, because the key is in my wife's head. Good luck, HV, I hope you'll be ok on the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The fact is that the fixing did not lay within my gift. If I could have "fixed" it, you would never have heard of me! A / the major part of "fixing" is something my W has to do - I can't "fix" her childhood and the psychological baggage she schlepped along with her. I can help and support her in what she does to fix it, but she, and she alone, has to want to fix it. SHE has to fix HERSELF before WE can fix our M. I don't know whether she can or will. She's undergoing psychotherapy, but I seem to have acquired infinite patience:confused: But you started therapy and from the posts never once voiced your issues (certainly not in your descriptions of how fruitless the meetings were) with the therapist/psychologist. They were one-sided and your wife sounded completely steadfast in her refusal to talk about anything meaningful and take steps to move forward. Then you described your recent sex life and trust me if my spouse asked the same of me I'd probably be happy to stop having sex too.... I certainly could not maintain your control that's for sure;).... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 But you started therapy and from the posts never once voiced your issues (certainly not in your descriptions of how fruitless the meetings were) with the therapist/psychologist. They were one-sided and your wife sounded completely steadfast in her refusal to talk about anything meaningful and take steps to move forward. Then you described your recent sex life and trust me if my spouse asked the same of me I'd probably be happy to stop having sex too.... I certainly could not maintain your control that's for sure;).... My W is undergoing psychotherapy. I went once, not to a treatment session (for want of a better term) but to a sort of introductory / overview session, where the therapist told me about things like it might take a very long time, and might not be easy for anyone involved. What she is talking about with her psychologist I don't know, except in very broad terms (that it concerns childhood issues over control and fear). My W wouldn't take any steps in our relationship prior to the big breakdown and the start of therapy. If the therapy is anything like as difficult and draining as I was led to believe it would be, fixing herself is probably all she can do - there's nothing left to give to fixing the relationship at the same time. It, and the lack of sex, just seem to have stopped bothering me. Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 From the outside looking in this is sort of depressing. What are your thoughts moving forward? Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Ok. I dont know what happened to her... but i will tell u right now. It cant be that bad. I my friend am 23 years old and i have been through it all. needless to say.. when i was 4 my adoptive parents were not the greatest. I was abused in every way u can think of. i ran and then i was physically abused some more. but the day of today if my spouse does not want to have sex. I will lead him to the door and tell him to give those excuses to the next person. I dont know why u are accepting this... for i am a woman.... and i would never... ever accept it. And can i tell u something else... i bet u that if tommorow u were to file for divorce and she was to meet someone else in a week.... she would have outstanding sex with them over and over and over... just like u would too. I think its just the fact that u are not into each other that way. and that is really sad. ur going to be miserable and look back and know u wasted ur time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Ok. I dont know what happened to her... but i will tell u right now. It cant be that bad. I my friend am 23 years old and i have been through it all. needless to say.. when i was 4 my adoptive parents were not the greatest. I was abused in every way u can think of. i ran and then i was physically abused some more. but the day of today if my spouse does not want to have sex. I will lead him to the door and tell him to give those excuses to the next person. I dont know why u are accepting this... for i am a woman.... and i would never... ever accept it. And can i tell u something else... i bet u that if tommorow u were to file for divorce and she was to meet someone else in a week.... she would have outstanding sex with them over and over and over... just like u would too. I think its just the fact that u are not into each other that way. and that is really sad. ur going to be miserable and look back and know u wasted ur time. 1) Can you write in english, not text speak - it makes it difficult to follow. Also, it sends the message you can't be bothered to communicate properly, which swithches people off. 2) You are A woman, not ALL women. You can speak for yourself, not for every member of you sex. 3) Some people have recovered from far worse things far better than some others do. This applies to physical, psychological and emotional trauma. As a medical model "I got better, why don't you?" is pretty worthless. If one particular person survives the injuries from a horrific car crash, does this imply no one else should ever be killed or crippled? 4) "if my spouse does not want to have sex. I will lead him to the door and tell him to give those excuses to the next person.". And if they refuse to go? What do they call forcing someone to have sex against their will in Miami, out of interest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 From the outside looking in this is sort of depressing. What are your thoughts moving forward? ATM, the status quo is acceptable to all concerned it seems. Therefore there's no obvious reason to do anything drastic in a hurry. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I hope your wife gets better soon. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Im not forcing but if they dont want to then they could leave. simple as that. she is probrably just comftorable with the life she has and just doesnt want to have sex with you. like i said... when someone else she likes comes to the picture she will have sex with them. Im sorry if i have hurt your feelings or if you feel like my opinion is useless. im just telling you.... theres something you dont know. or dont want to know. It took me a long time to get back in a car after my accident two years ago. i had half my face burned and my eye had significant damage. but after a couple of months of hiding in my house. i got up and drove somewhere. slow... but i drove. just not the same car. This is not healthy. not for you and not for her. Dont be suprised if she had an affair and was heartbroken by it. and shes using therapy and all this traumatic feelings to cover her pain up. i mean didnt you have sex before? with no problem? so what is the problem now? you havent even asked her that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 so what is the problem now? you havent even asked her that. Yes, I have. Go back through the few hundred posts around this and you will see yes, I have, over and over and over again. The lack of sex is a symptom, not the underlying cause. Having sex without addressing the underlying cause is like reducing a malaria sufferer's temperature: it has no effect whatsoever on the underlying pathology. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 im just telling you.... theres something you dont know. or dont want to know. Yessy, I mean no disrespect and I'm sure you mean well with your posts, but you do need to read HVs full story to understand the situation and give a more considered opinion. His wife is not your average 'gone off sex after childbirth or menopause' woman. She has some serious emotional problems relating to sex and she is having therapy to try and deal with them. If HV has come to terms with his lot, for now, then it's not for any of us to judge how he chooses to live his life. I wouldn't want to live in a relationship without sex either (BTDT) but I'm not HV and neither are you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Weird or what? Not weird, IMO. You're waiting for something; what, IDK. Hope you find it. Link to post Share on other sites
Baroness67 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 I can only give a woman's perspective, but it was a great relief to me when I also realized one day that I had stopped that awful feeling of wanting more intimacy (not just sex) that I wasn't getting ... and suddenly realized I had lived the way I was for so long that I no longer actually truly missed what I thought I missed. The marriage had just turned into something different. I'm not saying I am like everyone or that everyone needs to be like me - but I remember one day that feeling like 'wow, I'm not sad about this anymore' - and I was relieved. It's a tremendous burden to want what you can't have and don't have control over. Link to post Share on other sites
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